Qadishti Eyes - On a Ship

Qadishti Eyes

Dan and I taught a class at NLA: Orlando, called Qadishti Eyes. It’s not the first time we’ve taught this class, but it was nice to have right before taking a cruise with so many different people.

The basis for Qadishti Eyes, is the concept of judging people based on their looks; instead, realize that everyone is God/dess and deserving of love and sensuality. It makes ‘people watching’ so much more enjoyable. Usually, people see overweight people and judge why they are overweight. Or even skinny people…which is what I have to watch out for…..and judge them too skinny or sickly or having an eating disorder or that they are snobby. All of these judgments are made without knowing the person. With Qadishti Eyes, those judgments drop away and you just see them. I love this concept.

When I look at people with Qadishti Eyes, everyone turns into a potential lover. I love how this feels. It doesn’t mean I act on it or say anything about it or try to hook up with people, but the possibilities are there and it doesn’t leave anyone out based on their looks. Though, I have been turned off by some people on this trip because of how I see them treating their partners, staff or the people around them in general. That’s a different kind of judgment, I believe.

So, using my Qadishti Eyes has lead to a wonderful trip with beautiful people. I need to keep this in mind a little more. I don’t know people’s stories. I don’t need to be judging them on the beauty that is sold to us by the media. All people are sparks of the God/dess. All people are beautiful.

A Vacation? Finally!

Had an exciting time watching videos of the cruise ship we’ll be taking in a couple of weeks and more videos on how to pack. I’m so looking forward to this trip. Dan and I rarely get to vacation without presenting. And even this time, we are flying in early so that we can teach for NLA: Orlando. Crazy? We could have toured that part of the country or gone to Disneyworld, where neither of us have been. But, instead, we’ll be teaching a lot of classes.

This cruise is well deserved.

And Jamaica. What more can I say? We’ve never been and I can’t express enough how much I want to lay on a beach and read, or day dream or draw, or crochet, or …….something that I don’t get time to do anymore.

I also plan on marking some things off my ‘101 goals in 1001 days’ list; ziplining, rock wall climbing, alpine ride, and maybe some things off of my naughty list, as well. Who knows?

Reflections on my '101 goals in 1001 days' lists

Sometimes it’s hard to just sit down and write. I want to write so that I keep the skill fresh, but sometimes it feels like I have nothing to write about, and I don’t want to journal write tonight either.

I even have a list of topics to write about, but none of them are speaking to me.

I do best, when I write about power exchange, poly, sacred sexuality, sex, or something that has happened to me that has left me feeling a strong emotion

Today, I spent most of my day writing in my new notebook. What was I writing? My task list. I used to keep it in a dayminder, a long time ago. Then I went electronic. But, that hasn’t been speaking to me either. I found myself crazing buying a pretty notebook and transferring everything from electronic to paper/pen; a purple pen of course.

I have a ‘101 Goals in 1001 Days’ List that was started in February of 2015 and is due to end in November 2017. I have over 30 items completed, but 70 to go. Most of the list to be completed involves traveling or writing. I won’t get it done by November. Too bad I didn’t put a cruise or Jamaica on it. That’s coming up in June.

Silly me, last October, I realized I had a few items done and decided to replace each finished item with a new item. So that means I have 2 lists going concurrently. One that ends this November and one that ends July 14, 2019.

Even sillier, I also have a ‘Naughty 101 Goals in 1001 Days’ list. This only has 40 items on it though. But, still that means that since February 2015, I’ve come up with 242 Goals. That’s a lot!

I have completed 44. Not bad, if I do say so myself. And if I didn’t have these goals, I may have gotten some things accomplished, but it may not have been things that struck my fancy over the years. It would have been more random, minor things. These lists help keep me on track.

And some of these items are duplicated of things I’ve done before. But, I found them fun or fulfilling and want to do them again. It is how I lost 90 pounds over the years. It’s how we came to start a business with business partners and how we bought a house.

I find these lists very useful, probably because I’m goal driven. The trick is to not become overwhelmed by them. They are a focus tool, not something to beat yourself up over.


Warrior vs Nuisance, part 2

Warrior vs Nuisance …..Part 2

Well, once I posted that writing on ‘Warrior vs. Nuisance’, almost instantly someone responded to it telling me it didn’t resonate and that i was week and hiding my mental illness behind my kink.

Wow. i had no warning and it was instantly after i posted it. Luckily i had a little time to stay on fet and take care of the situation. i wrote a little response….like ‘wow, where did that attitude come from?’. Then, i went and checked out his profile…..’incest, forced impregnatation’ and more weird stuff like that. Yuck. So, i wrote him a little note telling him i was blocking him and then reported him and blocked him.

Almost instantly, Kevin texted me to let me know that whatever that guy wrote wasn’t true and he was responding through his own sick filters. i had already figured that out, but it’s nice to hear it from a professional.

Luckily for me, i’ve done a lot of work over the years. And doing the type of writing i did, i really open myself up to being vulnerable. Someone responding like that person did, could have crippled me not too long ago.

But, i handled it like a champ. Surprise Surprise.

And it did resonate with a lot of people and it brings me closer to people.

i hope that guy gets some help.

Warrior vs. Nuisance

Maybe it’s not important? But, it’s rolling around in my head, so I figure I’ll try to write it again.
Warrior vs. Being a Nuisance
I was in the shower yesterday morning and was thinking that this delimna is being caused by being raised in an alcoholic, dysfunctional family.

During Beltaine Ritual on Monday night, it was in me to become a warrior, embrace my warrior self, ask for what I want, set boundaries, grab life by the balls. But, I have a fear in doing that. There are many times when I go through a phase where I’m feeling this way, that I feel I become a nuisance. I ask for more time from people; I text way more often; I email more often; I ask more questions. This attitude makes me feel like I’m a nuisance to people and I’m afraid they’ll back away. So, I back away first. It’s a never ending cycle and I probably drive people crazy with it.

Why do I think this confusion comes from being in an alcoholic family? Because as a child it felt normal to ask for what I wanted. But, it would be thrown back at me. Don’t I know that they are busy with the business? Don’t I know they don’t have money to do the things I want to do? Don’t I know that they can’t leave their own business to come pick me up from a school function? Don’t I know that I’m just trying to be better than them? So, I am constantly second guessing myself. What’s the way that will please them….my partners? I’m so busy trying to please, that I forget to state my needs. Then, when I remember I’m allowed to and expected to state my needs, I feel like a nuisance.

It’s very confusing. I don’t want to be pushy, but how are they supposed to know my needs, wants and desires unless I express them?

I forget that my partners are with be because they want to be with me…..not because they are stuck with me like my parents were.

I’m assuming there is a balance between Warrior and Nuisance. I just don’t know what it is. 
I wrote this yesterday…..came in this morning and it was gone.




Over the weekend I got a chance to teach at the unconference on metamours. It was actually a lot of fun. I love to teach. And it was even easier because it wasn’t really teaching, it was leading a discussion with using my experience to lead with.
At the Unconference, someone had written on a piece of paper that they wanted to learn about supporting metamours. I have a little experience with that, though it used to be really hard for me to do. And there have been some metamours that I wasn’t interested in supporting at all. But, recently, with my boyfriends, wife…who is my metamour….I’m learning how to do this supporting thing, more graciously and with forethought.

The discussion was awesome. Here we are at a kink event and someone wants to talk poly. No one else had spoken up wanting to teach poly, so I did. All the other classes going on around us was about skills, so I didn’t think anyone would come to this discussion. Wrong! 20 people showed up. Some just listened and some had some input. It was good stuff. And I realized I support my metamours a little more than I actually thought I did.

A lot of this has to do with my boyfriend’s wife though. She is just so gracious and happy that he is happy. She supports me all the time. I like it. So, in return, I try to support my partner and his partners. Though, I still have my boundaries. There is only so much I can do. For example, all of my metamours seem to be extroverts at the moment. I’m not. I’m so not. So, if they want to go out and do things, I’m usually not interested. Those are my boundaries. I don’t make my husband go out with my partners on his own, so I feel pretty ok about not having to go out with his on my own. It has nothing to do with them, and that’s what I talked about in the discussion and on our podcast; just because I don’t want to spend time with someone, doesn’t mean I don’t think they are an ok person. I just don’t like spending time with people, much.

So, again, great topic. 


The Co-Top Tango


So, in the scene, if more than on person tops another person at the same time, it’s called ‘co-topping’.

Though i’m usually a bottom, i have co-topped with my Master a few times. i love it personally. It’s a new way to interact and connect to both my Master and another human. i love the energy it produces. i love the looks He gives me as we both touch the same person, hearing them moan.

He and i have different skills. As a Dom, He knows how to Dom. As a submissive, i know what it’s like to submit and what can turn a submissive on. Because of this, we have a unique combination to offer a bottom.

When we started co-topping, i was so fresh and had no clue what to do. So, Master would have me get near the person’s face and then let Him know their reactions. So, if someone was on a cross, i’d stand in front of them, maybe touch their arm or their shoulders; all the while giving him clues with eye contact, facial expressions, head nods and hand gestures, to let Him know if they were enjoying the scene or not. If i couldn’t tell or if it looked like they weren’t enjoying something in particular, i’d lean in and remind them that they have a safe word and they were expected to use it; that we don’t know their body, so it would be more fun for everyone if they would speak up if needed. i would usually get a nod of the head. Sometimes they would say something like ‘can you tell Him not to…..’ or ‘Can you tell Him harder please?’. Sometimes they would say nothing at all and i’d have to trust that they’d speak up if they needed to. Then, i’d look at Dan and shrug. That was the sign that i didn’t get any good information from the bottom to lead him one way or the other. i liked this method because it felt like i was facilitating both other people having a good time.

As i got more comfortable with spanking, we moved into the ‘Vanna White’ phase. This was where He would have out a table full of toys. He’d have the bottom go through the toys and take out the items they didn’t want us playing with. Then, He would start the scene and i’d pick out the implements to hand to Him. This helped warm me up to the idea of actually using some of the toys. There were moments where that would happen, but we wouldn’t have negotiated having me touch them as well. i didn’t want to overstep boundaries.

Next, i moved up a level to actually asking the bottoms if they were ok with me touching them during a scene. i would try toys but found that i really likes using my bare hand. i’m more about the sensual and like creating soft touch while He brings them pain. The combination is amazing. And we have a way of dancing around each other. Through the use of eye contact and body motions and head nods, we can usually tell what the other one is going to do next. Or i’ll motion that i want their ass and he’ll move to their back or feet or somewhere else. Sometimes he’ll motion to me that he’s going to do something and i dance around him.

It really is a dance.

i can’t wait until we find someone that just wants to be used. Maybe i’ll be brave enough to step into the arena of pain and using. That way she can get both from both.

Walking Qadishtu - 7 miles

So, today i walked 7 miles.


i have no idea except to prove that i could.

Actually, today, i was supposed to walk a 5k; my first 5k since my surgery in December. But, when i went to pay for it, it was sold out. So, yesterday my husband had a long motorcycle class. I took the opportunity to go for a walk after cleaning on the house all morning. i needed to find a pokestop for the day, so it was easy to plan out a walk which involved churches, which are pokestops. i also took out a poke gym while i was out there. 3 miles was accomplished without much sweat.

So, today, i had another opportunity to go walking. i went with the idea of walking 4 miles; up the ante a little bit. Then, i kept walking. When i reached 4 miles, it just felt like i could do more. i added in random bits of trails that were connected to the one i was on. Soon enough, it was 5 miles, and it felt like i could do more. Plus, what’s a half mile? i played pokemon for part of the walk; hatched some eggs. Then i would listen to a little of my audio book. It kept me going.

i also rescued a baby snake.

Heard some birds twitter pated over the creek i was walking by; a red-tailed hawk; a cardinal, and a couple of birds i’d never heard before.

A half mile would turn into another mile.

The hardest part was having to pee. At about 5.5 miles i made it back to where there was a bathroom. i took a quick pee, saw that there was another trail next to the bathroom that was only a half mile long….full of pokestops….so i decided to walk it and get my 6th mile done. At the end of the trail, i hadn’t reached the 6 mile mark. That meant i found a longer path, which had me over the 6 mile mark. Might as well do 7. And 7 i did.

i think it was just to prove to myself that i could do it. Plus, i’d already cleaned all morning, and if i went home i’d either veg in front of the tv or the computer and i’d rather be outside enjoying the day. Luckily, i didn’t get sunburnt.

i want to do it again.

Looks like next Sunday is free, unless the kids come over for Easter dinner. Maybe i can do 7 again.

Maybe i’m training for a half marathon. Maybe. Except i want to jog/walk the next one. And though i can walk 7 miles, i’m not so sure i can run any of it.

Today…if nothing else……i was a walking Qadishtu. Smiling and saying hello to everyone i came across.

Poly Tools for the Win

We have a lot going on at the moment…..

My husband is getting ready to make some significant changes with one of his girlfriends…..i’m thinking about making changes with one of my girlfriends. He showed me pics of him and the girlfriend that is also my girlfriend and told me about some of their stuff. i worked on the packing list for my husbands cruise that he has planned with his third girlfriend, and i’ve got a date set up with someone new… while my husband is on a cruise, i’m going away for the weekend with my boyfriend. ….. and have been thinking about inviting his wife to join us.

Crazy stuff……

And yet….neither of us has ‘pinged’ or become triggered. i’m thinking of inviting my boyfriend out to breakfast in the morning….so that we can talk about some of this stuff. But, i don’t think it will be a big deal for him.

Poly Tools for the win.

Though, i must admit that part of the reason i haven’t become triggered is because of all the lovely time that my husband and i have spent together. He’s made me feel so wanted and cherished. How can i not support him in what makes him happy?

It’s when i don’t feel like i’m being put first….or even considered….or have enough time with him that i get triggered and fear that he will push me away.

So far….even with all these relationships…i’m doing ok.

It’s a great feeling. I actually feel full, in a good way.

Poly Tools - Putting Myself in Someone Else's Shoes

Another tool that i like to use, and another one that is more recent and would have helped me out a LOT if i had figured this out earlier.

The tool is ‘putting myself in someone else’s shoes’. What this means is…..knowing what it’s like to be on my side of the fence and flipping it so that i can feel what it is like to be on the other side of the fence. For example, i want to tell my husband that the boyfriend and i would like to go on a trip. i want my husband to be supportive and happy for me. That means, when he tells me that he would like to go on a trip with his girlfriend, that i want to be as happy and supportive for him as i’d like for him to be for me.

Then, i get to spread that out. Another example: if i wanted to start dating someone else, i’d want my husband and boyfriend to be supportive. Therefore, i need to remember that if they come to me saying they want to start dating someone else. Simply because i want to give them the same support that i would like to have.

For some reason, this was a ‘aha’ for me about 3 years ago. We’ve been doing poly for 18 years. It would have made some of the earlier years so much easier for my husband, his girlfriends, our girlfriends and me. If i have figured this out…..i would have thought about how i’d want to be treated by a metamor and then putting myself in their shows with how they would like to be treated by me.

As a matter of fact, i’m learning a LOT from my boyfriends wife. She if very supportive of our relationship and very secure in her relationship with her husband. By being on the receiving end of her supportiveness, and feeling accepted by her, i’ve realized that that is what Dan’s other partners would like to feel from me.

It was rather enlightening when this ‘aha’ moment struck.

i still have to remind myself of it, but it’s much easier to remember now and has mellowed out my relationships with him and them.

Poly Tools - Uncomfortable Doesn't Mean 'Wrong' part 2

I’m so glad I wrote that post yesterday about uncomfortable not being wrong.

My husband sprang a big one on me this morning. I had to see how i felt about it.

I found that I was following my new pattern,…….I have 2 ways of responding. One way is to be triggered and to totally flip out. The newer way of responding is to shut down when something is said that could have the potential to hurt me. So, I had to let him know that I wasn’t feeling anything and needed to think about it during the day and see if any real feelings came up about the situation.

Then, we talked later tonight and I realized that I hadn’t even gotten the uncomfortable feeling except for the first twinge.

I’ve made progress.

Poly Tools - Uncomfortable Doesn't Mean 'Wrong'

For a long time, i thought those words meant the same thing. But, over time i’ve figured out that they don’t.

Let me say that again, because i have to remind myself of that again and again….’just because something feels uncomfortable, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.’

It could feel uncomfortable to have my husband go out and meet another girl for dinner. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong. We are poly….him going out to dinner with someone is what we do. It could feel uncomfortable to me, for him to be texting someone else. My feelings of jealousy or being uncomfortable does not mean what he is doing is wrong.

Now, that doesn’t mean that some feelings don’t mean something is wrong. If he’s going out to dinner with someone and he hasn’t given me enough notice and our agreement is that there will be a certain amount of notice given, that could be wrong. But, it’s not the poly itself that is wrong, it’s how it’s being done.

When my belly gets twisted up in knots, i really have to look at it. Is what my husband or boyfriend doing wrong? No? OK…..then i sit with the feeling. What is causing the feeling if it’s not because something he’s doing is wrong? Where is the feeling of being uncomfortable coming from? Am i jealous of the time that someone else gets? Am i envious that someone gets to spend that precious time with him? Is he taking her to a place i want to go? Am i feeling lonely? Am i not feeling cherished? Am i scared that i’m going to lose him? Is it a self-esteem issue on my part? These are things that can be fixed and maybe modified for the next time he goes out, so that i can have a more positive reaction.

But, if i get stuck on the idea that those two words mean the same thing, i’m going to get stuck into believing that poly is wrong. That the actions involved are wrong. He and i know better than that.

Since figuring out that they mean different things…..we’ve grown in our poly relationships by leaps and bounds. This is one of our most recent tools that we figured out, and one of the most beneficial ones.

My Qadishtu Sefl as Seen By Others

I had someone write me and try to describe me energetically during sex……after reading what she had to say, it makes me want to be with more people so that they can see that side of me. Many people are intimidated by me, my place in the community, or just simply by my ‘resting bitch face’. But, this person, she gets me and decided to share it with me.
……. it feels like you open up a part of yourself that is - magickal. Pure and passionate and sensual in a way that practically vibrates, like touching a live wire. It's white but not-white, red but not-red. Something in me answers and it's a little like I might imagine entering something outside of time: nothing else really exists except you and me and the dance, and I know most of the steps even though I've never heard the music before…..  ‘

She has seen my Qadishtu self. 


Aging in the Kink Lifestyle

It’s been on my mind to start 2 support groups: 1 for female survivors of trauma that are in the kink lifestyle, another one for women aging in the community.

I’ve been wanting to create a survivors groups for years now. Recently, I’ve had people ask me specifically to do something like that. I’ll have to give it a little more thought, as my schedule is so damn full. But, I can certainly see the benefit of it.

As for the women aging in the community… first I was all for it. Though, thinking that I wouldn’t be allowed to do it because I’d want it to be for females….bio females, only. There is a difference between the experience of bio females and trans females. Not good or bad …..just different. I’d be very supportive of a trans group starting to support each other, but need a group of bio females for the support that I need.

I’ve put off creating the group, because I know there is going to be an outcry of not being inclusive. I need to figure out if it’s something I’m willing to fight for. For the trauma group, I’d absolutely fight for it. And if I can’t have it at the Space because of it being exclusive, I’d just have it at my house.

With the aging group, I’ve been thinking about it and just brought it up with my husband again. We talked about it on my last drive to Chicago and I wanted to talk about it again on this drive. The first discussion was me being outraged at the idea of feeling like I couldn’t start the group because people with penis’s would have an issue. I know that’s not politically correct …and I probably shouldn’t say it that way. How about I say it as, ‘people that were brought up and socialized as males.’ There is a big difference with our experiences.

Regardless, how I feel about inclusion/exclusion, my husband and I talked about how the group would probably cover the ideas of the clues that we are getting old. Losing our sex drive, not feeling that we should be so kinky at our age, etc. etc. Then, it struck us both at the same time, that since I haven’t reached the point of losing my sex drive yet, would I start identifying with those that do, and make it happen. So, my thought at the moment is, I’m not the right person to lead that group yet……maybe later.

Instead, I should find older people that haven’t lost their sex drive and find being in the kink community as a fun place to be, not letting their ages affect them. I have some people in mind. I’d like to start hanging out with them more often. I don’t want to consider myself old. Someone else will have to run that group if it’s needed.


Why am i not writing in my own blog?

I haven’t been writing on my blog….even though I get a reminder every day. So, I’m sitting here wondering why ….as I’m watching Dr. Horrible and the fact that he has a video blog.

The reason why, is I think what I have to write might be too racy. My goal with the blog was to write honestly about some subjects that are part of my life. Being a Qadishtu is about sexual energy, so people shouldn’t be surprised if I write about sex, kink, poly, power exchange….but for some reason I think of being judged.

It’s easier for me to write on fetlife because it’s a specific group of people that are there and they don’t find anything shocking, or so I think. But, ……..i like the idea of having a blog where people don’t have to be on fetlife to read it.

Hell, it’s been so long since I’ve written on it, I’m not even sure if anyone reads it.

I am thinking of changing the format of it as well. It’s done in ‘stacks’ on my mac….but I’m thinking of taking it to wordpress. I think there are more things you can do on wordpress…and stacks keeps losing the pictures that I put on there, so I’ve stopped putting up pictures. To me, that makes it boring.

But, I have things I WANT to write about.

The Jill Party that I’m putting together for this weekend….the experience of having a girlfriend…..and a boyfriend….teaching sex magic in St. Louis last weekend. … many things to write about.

Maybe I’ll get over this hurdle and actually get to writing again. 

If nothing else, i’d like to write things that will end up being put in books.

M/s Living: The Next 10 Years
M/s Living: The Workbook
Poly Anthology: Stories From Those Living Ethical Non-Monogamous Lives
Polyamory 101
The Forgotten Art of Rites of Passage
Sex Magick Anthology
Slut Stories: Real Life Stories By a Real Life Slut
Path of the Qadishti

So many books I want to write :)


I want to 'Retire' from Corporate America

I love to present, produce events, manage a community center, write books, and teach. I love to research and design classes and articles. I love to take care of my husband and house. I want to do these things again and I’d really like to do it before I officially retire in 15 years.

But, how? The stuff that I love to do doesn’t make money. I could probably figure out how to have it make money, but then it would be a job and I’ve always resisted that thought. Though, I did try it for 6 years and we made a little bit of money. We were able to do it then, before buying the house and having to pay back my student loans and surgery loans. Now, it’s much harder to figure out how to get me out of the work force.

But, oh how I love to travel and to teach. I have no time to write the books that are in my head. I have no time to research and design classes that I’d like to teach. I have no time to teach as much Reiki as I’d like to. I have no time to be the Qadishtu that I want to be. So, many ideas and projects need my loving attention.

I had hoped to become an alternative lifestyle counselor. That didn’t work. People didn’t want to pay me for my services. Because I co-host a podcast and present, everyone expects my time to be for free.
I want to do more weddings. No time. I love designing weddings and rituals.

One problem is, I don’t want to put this out in the Universe with too much force, because I could cause negative things to happen, for me to get what I want. So, I put out there now, that for any of this to happen, it must harm none. 
There are days that I really wish I could get out of corporate America again, and do what it is that I really love to do.

Vulnerability - possible trigger warning

Watching a Ted Talk on vulnerability.
I know allowing vulnerability is the key to loving and living fully. And I teach this concept. But, it’s hard for me to embrace in my own life. When I do though, life is so fulfilling.

But, I numb vulnerability. I don’t mean to. If falls into the category of protecting myself.

As she says though, we can’t selectively numb specific emotions. When we numb anger and fear and other ‘negative’ emotions…..we numb them all….joy, happiness, etc. I’ve known this for a very long time. As a matter of fact, the first counselor I ever went to, is because I wanted to learn how not to be numb. My childhood trauma was so ….well….traumatic…that protecting myself seemed top priority.

And oh my God…what if someone starts to like me? That’s scary in and of itself. Why? Because then there are expectations. Rules of engagement. I don’t like expectations of me in a relationship. That’s triggering to the abuse.

Someone wrote me today and asked how I overcame my dislike of being hugged by strangers. I had to tell her that I’ve never really completely overcame this. I mean, why should I hug someone just because
they want me to? The consensus is, because it will hurt their feelings. Well, this was part of the ploy used on me as a kid. As random men touched me inappropriately, from my older brother to the drunks my parents hung out with, to the friend of said brother, to my father himself… was on me not to make them get their feelings hurt. What a crock……

Regardless, that’s a little of my story as to why it’s hard for me to be vulnerable.

But, I do find that those moments when I can open myself up and share some of my messy bits, or even some of my light……those are the most fulfilling.

I want to live with my whole heart. I want to feel worthy of loving and belonging. 


Built like a tree

I know I shouldn’t be complaining. I know this. And I’m glad I’m healthy. And I know I’ll get used to the new shape of me. But, some moments are easier than others.

On Saturday we had a class to teach on flirting. I just couldn’t find anything to wear. Everything that I tried on, that would have looked ok before, now looked dumpy. I kept trying on skirts and they just hung on me. So, I ended up putting on a tight pair of leggings and a purple sweater with my tall boots. That ended up looking hot! …but I’ve been a skirt girl since joining this power exchange relationship. That’s actually part of our dynamic.

He’s ok with the pants. I’m the one having an issue.

My friend says I’ll find skirts that I enjoy again. I don’t know about that.

The doc says my body is going to shift a little over the next couple of months, so not to worry about it. I’m trying.

I NEED to feel confident at the moment. I NEED to feel sexy. Clothes help that happen for some dumb reason.

Why do I need this? Because otherwise I’m going to feel like I wasted money with this surgery.

The other part? I’ve been hoping the removal of my ‘apron’ would help me feel sexier and more confident. I want to experience more play, more people, more relationships, more sex. If I feel more sexy and confident, this is more likely to happen.

It also has to do with getting ready to turn 50. Not so sure why. 
Oddly enough, I’m having a hard time adjusting to my body in clothes. Other people say I’m looking hot, including my husband, boyfriend, girlfriend and someone else that I’m interested in……but I see myself as a curveless tree. My broad shoulders are now very noticeable again, now that I don’t have hips that are wider than they are. I’m a tree.

Post Op - 7 weeks

And that’s pretty much what I did. Now, though I’m still stiff and numb and sore; I’m at work full-time, I’m driving, I can reach things on the floor and am healing pretty well. I still can’t lay down in bed or sit up in bed without rolling to my side. I hurt myself when I sneeze. It’s hard to get in and out of the car. I can’t lift things. But, all in all, things are going well.

I do have a hole in my side. I ended up with a hot spot and nothing we were doing was working. So, the doc cut a 2 inch slit in my side and packed it with gauze. That seems to have done the trick, but he doesn’t want to sew it shut. I have to pack it for the next couple of weeks until it heals from the inside out. That’s a bit frustrating because it means I can’t start exercising yet. But, that’s ok, I probably shouldn’t be anyway.

It was kind of neat to come to work where people hadn’t seen me since before the surgery. It is a major difference. I like seeing the shocked look.

You know, for someone that used to not turn on their turn signal when she first started driving because it meant that people would notice her, I’ve really come a long way. I like to be noticed now. I like being the center of attention as long as it’s not for negative reasons. I don’t camouflage so well anymore. I don’t feel the need. Huh, that’s part of the reason why I felt I was ready for this surgery. When you do things like this, you need to be ready to be noticed.

I’m looking forward to going to Kinky & Geeky on Friday night. I plan on dressing sexy even though I can’t do any naughty play. Well, nothing too physical anyway.

I can’t wait until Winter Wickedness, where it will be the first time some people see me since the surgery. I assume I will be the center of attention for a little while, and plan to dress to empress.

I just wrote my friend that had this surgery about 6 years ago. I can see why she likes to dress up at events now. Just looking at all the stuff I can wear has me excited. It’s going to be so much fun to put together outfits. Things I could only dream about before.

Though, I have a different problem now…..i’m top heavy. Which means I have to totally change the way I dress. It used to be short shirts with flowy skirts, and long shirts with pants. Now I can wear short shirts with pants……but haven’t quite figured out how to wear skirts yet, and skirts used to be my staple. Today I wore a knee length skirt, leggings, knee hi boots and a baggy sweater. The bagginess is to cover the tire that I’ve always had since the weight loss, under my boobs, which is now more prominent because of the slimmer hips. It’s a little frumpy looking. I’d hate to give up my skirts. 
Wow….hard to believe I’m coming up on 7 weeks post op. I can remember being a few days before the operation and being nervous because it was a major surgery, and being nervous because of recovery time, but also recognizing that time would zip by and all I needed to do was hold on and wait.


Post Op - Tried on a tight shirt for the first time

I’ve been wearing baggie nightshirts for the last 3 weeks, since surgery. With the drains in, it’s hard to wear anything else.

Sometimes I put on pants so that that I go out for a walk, trying to build my stamina.

Well, I’m currently wearing pants, and decided to try on a tshirt that is tighter. I almost cried. Wow. What a difference. It took me by surprise, the difference. Wow. Amazing.

I’m calling the doc tomorrow to see what is needed to get these drains out.

And I’m hoping I can sleep tonight. That’s my biggest concern at the moment. Other than the drains. I havent’ been able to sleep well the last couple of night. Everything is sore and hurts. The incision feels like a steel vice grip around my hips.


Surgery post op 23 days

Post Op - Day 23

(small trigger alert)

I’m working through my frustration at still having these 2 drains in. I thought all 4 would be out by day 10. The first 2 were, but these last 2 are hanging in. I know it’s for my own good, since they are still draining, but it’s frustrating. I want to try on some clothes that I’ve never been able to get into before.

I’ve been posting pics from 10 years ago, from when I used to dress up in costumes (LARPing)…and I still have those costumes. I want to try them on and take some before/after pics. That is what will make this surgery and it’s results more real.

I did have someone suggest that I go to a psychologist and make sure that I’m in a happy place with the results of this surgery. It actually makes sense. I know more than a couple of people that have gained weight back after surgery like this. This surgery was too expensive for me to allow that to happen.

But, it could. I got this large for a reason. And the first time I lost a significant amount of weight and someone made a positive comment on how great I looked, I gained it all back, plus more.

Why? Because of a simple comment made by my perp as a child….’if you weren’t so pretty, I just can’t help myself’. So, my weight was my protection against guys that ‘couldn’t help themselves’. I know that that is all horseshit….and it’s not my fault that they molested me……but I can guarantee that that is what my head thought when it came to me gaining weight and not being able to get it off and keep it off.

But, now I have. Almost 100 pounds off. And I’m excited to see what I’m going to look like in sexy clothes.

If I could just get these 2 drains out.

I wish I was younger to enjoy this though. I’ll be 50 this year. But, better now than never.


Surgery post op 15 days

Post OP 15 days

More mobile, though I still can’t put on my own socks

I’m going through moments of boredom, which is leading to some sadness.

Only taking a few pain pills a day.

We are going to try a trip to Dayton to celebrate Christmas Eve with some special people

Feet are cold. Have to wait for Dan to come home before I can get socks.

Watching commercial TV.. Can only take so much Netflix.

Almost have my first scarf of the season crocheted.

I’ve taken some before/after pics. But, because I’m in my underwear, I’m not putting them online yet

Surgery post op 12 days

…..why get a belt lipectomy?

Here I am 12 days post op. I sit here typing, waiting for the pain pills to kick in as I watch Netflix and have a cat walking over me…wanting to sit in my lap, not happy that I’m using a laptop on her nesting pillow.

I’m totally exhausted after wrapping gifts with a friend for a couple of hours. There’s no way I could have done this all myself. I’ve had 3 naps and am doing all I can at the moment to stay awake so that I can finish my daily motivations required by Master. I’ll make sure to spread my duties over the course of the day so as to not wear myself out.

I can’t do any exercise at the moment. Staying awake to get anything done is challenging. I dropped my phone on the floor and it took some creativity to get to it since I can’t bend over.

I can’t sleep with my husband/Master because I have to sleep upright in this recliner. I can’t snuggle with him on the couch because it’s too low and my skin/muscles are too tight.

I can’t drive to do any last minute Christmas shopping. I’ve been invited out for Christmas Eve by the boyfriend. That will be 90 minutes to his house and 90 minutes back. I’ll have to take pain pills, but I really want to see him.

New Years, same thing. I’ve been invited out and I’m going, but it’s a 2 hour drive each way. Pain pills will be needed.

Can’t return to work until mid-december. Though, I’m not too worried about that….just the cut in pay part at the end of my time off. But, we’ll take care of that.

So, why?

I’ve done a little writing about it so far. But, don’t know that I’ve gotten deep into my thoughts/feelings.


I do know that I was unsatisfied with how my body was looking after the weightloss. I’m guessing that’s the main part of it. My skin was so wrinkled and loose. When I laid on my side, I’d have this puddle in front of me that I’d have to work hard at rolling over with. It was like flipping a bowling ball each time I turned over during the night, which was a lot since my hips stay sore.

My clothes never fit right, but is that a reason to go through so much?

Am I doing it for self-confidence?

I’m not so sure. All I know is that it seemed like the right thing to do. I’m just not sure why.

I guess I’ll keep putting the next step forward and see what I can accomplish with this new body.


Surgery - T-5

Belt Lipectomy – 5 days away

Ok….i just typed that….5 days away …and got nauseous. Breathe. It’s going to be ok. I’m all prepped except for a couple little items and I have to prep a couple of meals, and that’s it. The chair was delivered this morning and the table will be here on Sunday. Oh, and I still have to pack the hospital bag. But, I’ll be home the whole day before the surgery and can get any last minute stuff and just relax.

I keep telling myself that this time next week, it will be over with and I’ll be home and sleeping on pain pills. Then, 30 days from now, I’ll me in much better shape. 6 months from now, I’ll be back to running and working out in the gym. Time flies. It will be here sooner than I think.

OK. Breathing and not worrying about it. I have a full weekend of fun and buying a Christmas tree to look forward to.


Surgery - More Prep

T – 8 Days

I’ve been making sure that I’ve got everything checked off my list.

I’m able to log into work from home, in case recovery takes longer than expected.

I’ve talked to someone that has a lift chair and they are going to let me borrow it. This is great, because though someone donated a recliner to me, if I can get a lift chair, it’s going to make recovery much easier.

I went and bought compression socks today and went onto amazon and bought me a hat since I won’t be washing my hair and I’ll have people coming over to sit with me.

The husband of my husband’s girlfriend offered me to movies from his collection. He has over 1100 movies. I chose about 8 movies.

A friend is bringing over a table tray leftover from her recovery after a serious car accident.

What’s left?

Grocery shopping and preparing meals. …..and buying a Christmas Tree. And a few other things i mentioned in the last blog entry.

If so, I’ll be getting those done soon. I plan on grocery shopping tonight after my boyfriend leaves.

Then, it’s just waiting and making some youtube videos leading up to the surgery.

And….getting used to the idea of having a smaller middle.

I was sitting in the recliner this morning, looked down, saw how my ‘hips’ meet the sides of the chair. I lift up my nightgown and grab the folds. I pulled them into the middle of my stomach and see how much room there is between me and the sides of the chair. All of that is supposedly going to be gone when I wake up after surgery next Thursday. It’s a weird feeling. That’s part of my body. And it’s going to be cut off. What a weird concept.

When I thought I was going to have a hysterectomy a couple of years back, I cried and cried because they were going to have to cut out part of my body. ….Now there is no crying. It’s sort of surreal to see my belly and know it’s going to be different in a week.

All I have to do now, is to not think about the 6 hours of surgery.