Warrior vs. Nuisance


 
Maybe it’s not important? But, it’s rolling around in my head, so I figure I’ll try to write it again.
Warrior vs. Being a Nuisance
 
I was in the shower yesterday morning and was thinking that this delimna is being caused by being raised in an alcoholic, dysfunctional family.

During Beltaine Ritual on Monday night, it was in me to become a warrior, embrace my warrior self, ask for what I want, set boundaries, grab life by the balls. But, I have a fear in doing that. There are many times when I go through a phase where I’m feeling this way, that I feel I become a nuisance. I ask for more time from people; I text way more often; I email more often; I ask more questions. This attitude makes me feel like I’m a nuisance to people and I’m afraid they’ll back away. So, I back away first. It’s a never ending cycle and I probably drive people crazy with it.

Why do I think this confusion comes from being in an alcoholic family? Because as a child it felt normal to ask for what I wanted. But, it would be thrown back at me. Don’t I know that they are busy with the business? Don’t I know they don’t have money to do the things I want to do? Don’t I know that they can’t leave their own business to come pick me up from a school function? Don’t I know that I’m just trying to be better than them? So, I am constantly second guessing myself. What’s the way that will please them….my partners? I’m so busy trying to please, that I forget to state my needs. Then, when I remember I’m allowed to and expected to state my needs, I feel like a nuisance.

It’s very confusing. I don’t want to be pushy, but how are they supposed to know my needs, wants and desires unless I express them?

I forget that my partners are with be because they want to be with me…..not because they are stuck with me like my parents were.
 

I’m assuming there is a balance between Warrior and Nuisance. I just don’t know what it is. 
I wrote this yesterday…..came in this morning and it was gone.


blog comments powered by Disqus