Poly Tools - Putting Myself in Someone Else's Shoes

Another tool that i like to use, and another one that is more recent and would have helped me out a LOT if i had figured this out earlier.

The tool is ‘putting myself in someone else’s shoes’. What this means is…..knowing what it’s like to be on my side of the fence and flipping it so that i can feel what it is like to be on the other side of the fence. For example, i want to tell my husband that the boyfriend and i would like to go on a trip. i want my husband to be supportive and happy for me. That means, when he tells me that he would like to go on a trip with his girlfriend, that i want to be as happy and supportive for him as i’d like for him to be for me.

Then, i get to spread that out. Another example: if i wanted to start dating someone else, i’d want my husband and boyfriend to be supportive. Therefore, i need to remember that if they come to me saying they want to start dating someone else. Simply because i want to give them the same support that i would like to have.

For some reason, this was a ‘aha’ for me about 3 years ago. We’ve been doing poly for 18 years. It would have made some of the earlier years so much easier for my husband, his girlfriends, our girlfriends and me. If i have figured this out…..i would have thought about how i’d want to be treated by a metamor and then putting myself in their shows with how they would like to be treated by me.

As a matter of fact, i’m learning a LOT from my boyfriends wife. She if very supportive of our relationship and very secure in her relationship with her husband. By being on the receiving end of her supportiveness, and feeling accepted by her, i’ve realized that that is what Dan’s other partners would like to feel from me.

It was rather enlightening when this ‘aha’ moment struck.

i still have to remind myself of it, but it’s much easier to remember now and has mellowed out my relationships with him and them.
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