Apr 2014


niagra falls

I’m so looking forward to our trip to Niagra Falls this weekend. I wish we were leaving tomorrow night. An extra night at Niagra Falls is so much needed. But, we are staying for Open Sangha and leaving Friday morning.


I can’t wait to meditate at the Falls. I have a perfect spot in mind. It’s a bench at the exact spot where the water falls. It is such a powerful spot. I don’t care if it’s raining or not, that’s where I want to sit.

And spending time with Rubee and Richard....can’t wait. There are some plans in place. *rubbing hands together* .. can’t wait. :) I love being at these events. It’s ‘home’. I love watching Masters posture changes. He stands tall and has a presence. It’s no wonder the girls are drawn toward him. Well, the girls and some of the guys.

I feel like I’ve been creating that ‘presence’ as well. Is it because of the confidence that’s blossomed? maybe. Is it because of the weight loss? or the fact that someone finds me desirable? Not sure. But, I like the feeling.


Trinkets, pt 2

Still percolating about the idea of ‘trinkets’. Giving people little things that they find to be ‘treasures’. I love this idea, except when it involves saying things that aren’t true. Is it worth it to make someone feel good if it’s a lie? And if I see someone giving out verbal ‘trinkets’, and I know them not to be true....and then they give me a ‘trinket’, how do I know it’s true?


I stop trusting people when I see this happen.

I love to give verbal gifts, but I also like to be honest....sometimes people see this as a fault. If someone asks me a question, I keep thinking that they will appreciate the truth. But, that’s not the case it seems.

So, I have to look at my ethical framework. Which is more important, making someone feel good? or being honest? Unfortunately, as much as I’d like to be able to put peoples happiness first.... it has too much of a feeling like what I had to do as a child. Be the good girl and put others feelings first, over being honest.

And then I get upset, because all my issues have to do with something that happened in the past. Grrrrrr.....why can’t I just give trinkets regardless of whether they are true or not? It’s just not me. Yet, people don’t seem to appreciate the honesty. Instead, they gather the trinkets that others give and are drawn towards them.

That’s ok.....I choose to surround myself with those that appreciate the deep level of honesty that I offer.

And in the meantime, I’ll learn to offer ‘trinkets’ that are honest. I’m making a point to offer little spoken gifts that are honest and heartfelt.

Color Me Rad - 5k report


Some times i forget that i was also going to review 5k’s that we’ve participated in. Well, the most recent one we walked in was the one called ‘Color Me Rad’. It was a 5k that involved being doused with powdered and liquid color. That part of the race, was fun.....

But, the course it self was not very well thought out. They used the Fairgrounds in Hilliard and some of the old downtown streets. So, at the beginning, even though there were 3 starting times, it bottle-necked. I felt really bad for those that were trying to run for time. There wasn’t any real way to do that.

Dan decided to jog the race. i wanted to ask him not to, because that was the race that i was supposed to run. But, i got over that in a hot minute. He likes to run and there wasn’t any reason for me to hold him back. i was proud of him as he ran ahead. Maybe i’ll be able to do that one day.

We got stuck behind a group of girls walking together and there wasn’t any room to get around them. So, snails pace for awhile. Then, there was a line waiting to go under a canopy that was set up, for the liquid color. Like i said, i’m glad that i wasn’t really serious about my time for the race.

So, through the line at the color station and then, turn around and go back the way of the bottleneck and to the fairgrounds, onto the hours track. Another color station, bandana over the mouth. The track wasn’t too bad to walk on, but then the path went to some broken up asphalt and mud, where we had to dodge horse poo. Between almost tripping over the asphalt, slipping in the mud and side-stepping the poo....it’s a wonder i didn’t twist an ankle. i was not happy with this part of the trail at all and if this race is held there again, i won’t participate. i know they do it so that they can have the color stations....but it felt unsafe.

Another thing that frustrated me, was that it said to wear all white. So, i went out and bought all white. i don’t like white. i look like a marshmallow. Then, i get there. There is no one else in all white except us 3. Hundreds there and no one else in all white. Disappointing.

At least, even with the bottlenecks and unsafe course, i was able to shave 12 minutes off my 5k time. So, that was great. i had fun with the color stations as well. But, if was to grade the course.....i’d give it a 4 out of 10 and i really don’t know that i’ll do this race next year. Not worth the money, even though we used a group on.

Plus, through no fault of theirs, i was not able to jog it like i had planned.

i saw the pics of the event today....and there are pics of us. And as i said, i look like a marshmallow. All this work to lose this weight and i wouldn’t post those pics anywhere for others to see.


Dominant Men

It’s so nice to have so many dominant males in my life right now. Ones that I can trust. I can count 3 of them. My husband, my boyfriend and my personal trainer.

As they choose to, they are helping me keep on track with my goals. I crave that sort of guidance. I consider myself to be a stron leader. But, I would let it all go to follow the right person.

I say ‘as they choose to’ ....because though each is dominant, they are dominant in their own way. The trainer is only dominant in the gym. The boyfriend is only dominant in the bedroom. He does not want service outside of play. The husband has complete rule over my life, though doesn’t always feel the need to act upon it. He is my owner, ‘nuff said.

It seems that I can surround myself with dominant men....and they don’t conflict with each other. Nice.

Suppression turns into night terrors

Woke up at about 1am this morning, with night terrors. These are so different than nightmares. For me, nightmares usually center around a story and scare me. Night terrors on the other hand, I want to scream. I try to scream. I am paralyzed. Because I’m paralyzed I can’t move, scream, run, call for help. Totally trapped. As I jerk out of it, I realize I’m laying in bed and still trying to get a scream out, knowing Dan is beside me but not able to make a move or sound that would tell him that I’m in trouble.

I don’t like waking up this way, obviously. I don’t know anyone that would.

What caused it? Well, I’m not sure that I could pinpoint one thing. There are a couple of things going on in my life that I’m frustrated about and don’t feel like I can really talk about them. One is huge and involves a person and a situation. I don’t feel like I can talk about the person to most people. And the person that I can talk about the person with, I can’t talk about the situation. Trapped.

I’m sure the second item is my new job. I’m definitely on the technically challenged end of the spectrum and it’s getting in the way of me providing awesome customer service. Very frustrating.

I’m having flashbacks and don’t feel I can talk about them. My husband has heard them all before...I don’t want to trigger others .....and the boyfriend doesn’t know the story yet. I’d rather share with him during a calm moment, not a trigger or flashback moment. But, if I don’t share the story soon, the likelihood of it happening because of a trigger, is more likely to happen.

So, I have a feeling the night terrors this time around is because I’m suppressing stuff that I should probably be talking about.


But, I don’t want to talk about it.....so I’m paying the price of not shinning the light on the shadow.


I have been doing a lot of thinking about a concept that I’ve been discussing with someone that we ended up labeling as ‘trinkets’. This discussion and thought process has really stuck with me and I’ve been thinking about it a lot at odd moments.

Basically, the concept is how some people offer ‘trinkets’ to others as a way making friends and making people feeling special. Not a good or bad way of dealing with people. But, I’ve been wondering lately if it’s something that I should focus on.

I used to offer ‘trinkets’. I would drive out of my way to give a hug to someone that was having a hard day. I would give a gift to someone that liked a certain thing. I would give a special word to someone that would make them feel special. Nothing wrong with this at all.

One day I realized that some of these people that I was giving ‘trinkets’ to were only in my life because of the trinkets, not because of me as a person. Slowly, the desire to give out these trinkets faded. I guess I wanted people in my life that truly wanted to be with me as a person, not because of what I could give them.

Slowly, my gathering of ‘friends’ evaporated. I stopped feeding them. They drifted off to find people that could offer these trinkets. Not good or bad. But, disappointing.

So, I see others offer trinkets. Little tidbits that makes someone feel special. Little tidbits that may be true, or not. But, even if not true, it makes the other person feel special. Maybe it’s even truth in the moment. I don’t know. Is that the route I want to go again? People like to feel special. But, do I want people close to me again, just because I offer trinkets....or do I want to stick with the idea that if they are in my life it’s because they like me as a person?

My ego says it prefers the second option. If the relationship is based on making the other person feel special, is it really a relationship or is it something being created through the manipulation of anothers need to feel desired or wanted? And is that a bad thing?

Take our the word manipulation, which is obviously a trigger word for me. If I could find a softer word, I would. What’s wrong with offering ‘gifts’ to another person to make them feel good? If only all of us could do that with each other, it would be such a beautiful world. I think where I get resistant to the idea is when it’s not done with a sense of truth. For example, if I tell someone they are the best kisser I’ve ever experienced, just so they feel good, and it’s really not the best kiss, is that really a ‘gift’? I have an issue with this sort of trinket. If I offer then again, I want it to be based in truth, not just said because it will make someone else feel good.

There has to be a balance here. I don’t want to withhold trinkets because they feel manipulative. But, when balanced with truth, they become very special offerings.

So, that’s my thought this morning. Fill my pockets with trinkets. Then, pull out the trinket that fits the situation. A trinket that sparkles with truth. Make people feel special, just to make people feel special. Wake up with the intent of filling my pockets with offerings. Making connections with people so that I can learn which offering would be special to them, and still be truth.

I need to move beyond the feeling of manipulation. If I go it not it with the intent of making people feel good and so that they can see the light within themselves, AND be honest about it....


This idea is actually quite exciting feeling. What trinkets can I load my pockets with?


Still a Qadishtu?

I’ve been wondering......will I remember to embrace being Qadishtu while on this path of getting smaller? I thought once I started getting fit again, that I’d be reaching out to help heal others more, through intimacy and sex. But, so far, that hasn’t happened.

It’s probably more about not having time ....no time to look in the mirror and get used to and accept how i look now. No time to be available for people. No time for the new boyfriend or current friends, let alone anyone new that might come into my life.

Will me feeling sexy draw people to me? Will my armor fall away so that others can reach me? I don’t know. I haven’t been this weight since getting pregnant with my second son. He’s 23. That’s 23 years of armor. And add 4 years to that. I was this weight soon after having my first son, and never lost it. Well for a split second I did hit 199, but it scared the shit out of me when my main perp made a pass at me and I gained it all back plus more.

At this point in my life, if that happened now, bad bad things would happen......to him. I have 2 men in my life that would protect me, and that doesn’t count what I’d do to protect myself.

Anyway......that’s beside the point, and I don’t want to go off on a tangent.

I’m at a restaurant waiting for my second man.....he loves how I look, regardless of me being squishy. Though, he doesn’t like my hair cut.....which is too bad, because I’m enjoying it. I was able to drive here with my windows down and not have a mouthful of hair.

Life if good.


Personal Trainer

Once again, I have a couple of things that I’d like to write about.....but I think I’ll take the high road on one of the things. If it still needs to be written after a couple of days, I’ll see if it feels right to give it voice.

In the meantime, my new personal trainer kicked my ass tonight! Though, I’ve tried a personal trainer a couple of times, they were with an introductory package and really didn’t work me. Then, when I couldn’t afford to hire them after the introductory time with them, they tried to sell me other services. One of which I fell for, because of my hip issues. I paid the $100 but it didn’t fix anything.

This guy, tough but compassionate. He works with me, and helps me mimic his instructions. He wants to see me succeed. Though, it is hard to convince him that i’ve already lost 77 pounds on my own.

Well, not really on my own. Without the love, support and motivation of my husband/Master, I never would have made it this far. He loves me for who i am, large or small. But, as he tells me, he wants me to be around for a long time. He wants me to stay healthy. He wants me to make it to the time that we are rocking in rocking chairs on our porch, reminiscing about the past escapades. Though, I’ve pretty much been healthy, obese people usually have more issues as they get older.

So, motivated, supported, loved. And heading straight for 50. I have things that I want to do! I have clothes that i’d love to wear while i’m still cute. :) Ziplining, long bike rides, half-marathons, hiking, .....fun!

After 10 years of walking, biking, kayaking, calorie counting, the gym......77 pounds off. Now, I get to tone up. I’m going to by hurting for the next 12 weeks!

We have a 5k to walk this Saturday. I’m trying not to be bumbed, because this was the 5k that i was supposed to run. Instead I’ll be walking it. I’ve got to get back to being able to jog. That was actually a lot of fun. My trainer will be strengthening my body so that I can finally be able to run without hurting myself.

This has been an amazing journey. Slow and tough at times. Plateaus can be a pain and frustrating. But, I’m loving the results of sticking to it.


2014-04-04 08.27.32

Medicine Card - Grouse reversed

Medicine Card - Grouse reversed

Drawing the Grouse medicine card in the reverse position signals a dissipation of energy and lack of control and discipline. It is symbolic of a lost connection to the Source, and signifies a lack of clear intent behind an outpouring of energy. You may feel like you are in a tailspin or going down the drain. Confront confusion either in yourself or in others who may be in the picture. Examine the way your energy may be causing friction, sparks, or a convolution of a situation that needs clarification. Work toward harnessing your energy and directing it toward clearly defined goals. Such is the nature of the Sacred Grouse Dance.

In using this sacred dance as a tool to right contrary Grouse, you may also find that it is a tool to center or ground you. In grounding, you are once again connecting to Mother Earth and balancing out the spinning in your head. If you have become so involved with a idea or problem that you are no longer seeing clearly, you may feel dizzy or lacking in concentration. Tis is a sign that you have entered the thought-universe and are not connected to physical reality. You need grounding if this occurs.

Dancing or walking will put you back in touch with Earth and your body. Grouse may then teach you how to notice the energy flows that put you in harmony and balance with body, mind, and spirit.


I was going to respond to this with the fact that I don’t feel like I’m in a tailspin anymore......the Intensive went fabulous (will write more about that later) ...and taxes are done, except for the final transmission. It’s being stubborn and I will probably have to be on wi-fi. Then, I just have to work on Alex’s tonight and my 3 big projects are done. Woot!

But, then the card talked about being dizzy or lacking concentration. That’s me. I thought it was being sick and the effects of the prednisone/steroids I was on all last week for my laryngitis. I hate steroids. It totally effected me physically and emotionally. Don’t ever want to take it again. I still feel some of my lack of concentration and focus is because of that stuff.

But, grounding....never a bad idea. Walking is good for grounding. I’ll probably take the pup for a walk after getting home. Sex is good for grounding as well. May have to talk to Dan....or take a trip to Dayton.

Medicine Card - rabbit reversed

Medicine Card I drew today: Rabbit reversed

The paralyzed feeling which Rabbit experiences when being stalked is Rabbit in the contrary position. If you have tried to resolve a situation in your life and are unable to, you may be feeling frozen in motion. This cound indicate a time to wait for the forces of the universe to start moving again. It could also indicate the need to stop and take a rest. It will always indicate a time when you need to re-evaluate the process you are under-going, and to rid yourself of any negative feelings, barriers, or duress. Simply put, you cannot have your influence felt until you rearrange your way of seeing the present set of circumstances.

There is always a way out of any situation, because the Universal Force does move on. It is the way in which you handle problems that allows you to succeed.

Take a hint from Rabbit. Burrow into a safe space to nurture yourself and release your fears until it is time again to move into the pasture, clear of prowlers who want a piece of your juicy energy.

Life Review Thoughts

At the beginning of the year, I drew a Goddess card over and over again. ‘Life Review’. I wanted to use this year to do such a thing. I drew the card again yesterday.

So, I started researching exactly how to work with this archangel ...Archangel Jeremiel. It involves doing something like a 4th step in the 12 step programs. I’m to think about every memory and pick it apart. If it’s a good memory, I get to set it aside. If it’s a crappy memory, I’m supposed to look at it again and meditate on it.

*sigh*...been there done that. I know this drill. I don’t want to do it this way again. Writing and obsessing. There has got to be another way. I don’t want to be obsessed with the healing again. Therapists....psycho therapist, somatic therapist, EMDR therapist, shamanic counselor.....I can remember feeling totally out of control and needing answers. Someone had to be able to help me. Back and forth from person to person.

If I need to do this again, gentler this time. I’ll push it as needed, since all that crap is still bothering me on some level every now and then. The whole ‘totally invested in a situation/person’ to ‘backing away before I get hurt or do the hurting’.....all of that is shadow. All of that needs to be looked at. ‘Taking things from me instead of allowing me to give ....by the tool of a question’....’not being heard’.....’taking without hearing what it is I need’..........all of that is shadow. I just don’t think that what I’ve done before will work this time.

Other methods. What are they? The guided meditation was a step up. A different direction. I need to look at those things again. Or just keep with meditation.

What to write about

It’s been a while since i’ve written on my public blog. i’ve been doing a lot of writing in my personal journal though. Sometimes, that’s just the way it is.

So, what do i want to write about? My new trainer? My experience with the ‘Holy Grail’ meditation? My experience with my new job? My frustrations with doing taxes cause i just can’t sit still and concentrate? (looking to my right where my puppy lays sleeping)...maybe about Ginger? About missing the boyfriend? About missing my Master/husband? We never get to spend time together anymore. Mornings are rushed, evenings nonexistent, night hours totally wiped out while we try to get everything done?

Totally worn out, though i must say that i had a great time over the weekend at St. Louis, even though i ended up with laryngitis. Dan had to take over the workshops while He sent me to urgent care. That’s ok though....that means we were able to play in the silent dungeon, because i couldn’t scream. But, i certainly tried. What a thrill!!! i could tell that He wasn’t completely in the swing of it, though he certainly had some deep moments. We are so connected that i can just tell, but he certainly makes sure that i have a great time and i love it when he follows his intuition.

So connected.....i can’t express how lucky i am to have him in my life. The relationship we have .....is very hard to put into words.

And i find that i’m too tired to keep typing. i must go to bed at a decent hour, or there is no reason for him to be managing the meditation center tonight. It’s not like i’m waiting up for him to get home. It’s Wednesday.

Podcast in the morning.