Apr 2017

The Co-Top Tango

Co-Topping

So, in the scene, if more than on person tops another person at the same time, it’s called ‘co-topping’.

Though i’m usually a bottom, i have co-topped with my Master a few times. i love it personally. It’s a new way to interact and connect to both my Master and another human. i love the energy it produces. i love the looks He gives me as we both touch the same person, hearing them moan.

He and i have different skills. As a Dom, He knows how to Dom. As a submissive, i know what it’s like to submit and what can turn a submissive on. Because of this, we have a unique combination to offer a bottom.

When we started co-topping, i was so fresh and had no clue what to do. So, Master would have me get near the person’s face and then let Him know their reactions. So, if someone was on a cross, i’d stand in front of them, maybe touch their arm or their shoulders; all the while giving him clues with eye contact, facial expressions, head nods and hand gestures, to let Him know if they were enjoying the scene or not. If i couldn’t tell or if it looked like they weren’t enjoying something in particular, i’d lean in and remind them that they have a safe word and they were expected to use it; that we don’t know their body, so it would be more fun for everyone if they would speak up if needed. i would usually get a nod of the head. Sometimes they would say something like ‘can you tell Him not to…..’ or ‘Can you tell Him harder please?’. Sometimes they would say nothing at all and i’d have to trust that they’d speak up if they needed to. Then, i’d look at Dan and shrug. That was the sign that i didn’t get any good information from the bottom to lead him one way or the other. i liked this method because it felt like i was facilitating both other people having a good time.

As i got more comfortable with spanking, we moved into the ‘Vanna White’ phase. This was where He would have out a table full of toys. He’d have the bottom go through the toys and take out the items they didn’t want us playing with. Then, He would start the scene and i’d pick out the implements to hand to Him. This helped warm me up to the idea of actually using some of the toys. There were moments where that would happen, but we wouldn’t have negotiated having me touch them as well. i didn’t want to overstep boundaries.

Next, i moved up a level to actually asking the bottoms if they were ok with me touching them during a scene. i would try toys but found that i really likes using my bare hand. i’m more about the sensual and like creating soft touch while He brings them pain. The combination is amazing. And we have a way of dancing around each other. Through the use of eye contact and body motions and head nods, we can usually tell what the other one is going to do next. Or i’ll motion that i want their ass and he’ll move to their back or feet or somewhere else. Sometimes he’ll motion to me that he’s going to do something and i dance around him.

It really is a dance.

i can’t wait until we find someone that just wants to be used. Maybe i’ll be brave enough to step into the arena of pain and using. That way she can get both from both.
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Walking Qadishtu - 7 miles

So, today i walked 7 miles.

Why?

i have no idea except to prove that i could.

Actually, today, i was supposed to walk a 5k; my first 5k since my surgery in December. But, when i went to pay for it, it was sold out. So, yesterday my husband had a long motorcycle class. I took the opportunity to go for a walk after cleaning on the house all morning. i needed to find a pokestop for the day, so it was easy to plan out a walk which involved churches, which are pokestops. i also took out a poke gym while i was out there. 3 miles was accomplished without much sweat.

So, today, i had another opportunity to go walking. i went with the idea of walking 4 miles; up the ante a little bit. Then, i kept walking. When i reached 4 miles, it just felt like i could do more. i added in random bits of trails that were connected to the one i was on. Soon enough, it was 5 miles, and it felt like i could do more. Plus, what’s a half mile? i played pokemon for part of the walk; hatched some eggs. Then i would listen to a little of my audio book. It kept me going.

i also rescued a baby snake.

Heard some birds twitter pated over the creek i was walking by; a red-tailed hawk; a cardinal, and a couple of birds i’d never heard before.

A half mile would turn into another mile.

The hardest part was having to pee. At about 5.5 miles i made it back to where there was a bathroom. i took a quick pee, saw that there was another trail next to the bathroom that was only a half mile long….full of pokestops….so i decided to walk it and get my 6th mile done. At the end of the trail, i hadn’t reached the 6 mile mark. That meant i found a longer path, which had me over the 6 mile mark. Might as well do 7. And 7 i did.

i think it was just to prove to myself that i could do it. Plus, i’d already cleaned all morning, and if i went home i’d either veg in front of the tv or the computer and i’d rather be outside enjoying the day. Luckily, i didn’t get sunburnt.

i want to do it again.

Looks like next Sunday is free, unless the kids come over for Easter dinner. Maybe i can do 7 again.

Maybe i’m training for a half marathon. Maybe. Except i want to jog/walk the next one. And though i can walk 7 miles, i’m not so sure i can run any of it.

Today…if nothing else……i was a walking Qadishtu. Smiling and saying hello to everyone i came across.
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Poly Tools for the Win

We have a lot going on at the moment…..

My husband is getting ready to make some significant changes with one of his girlfriends…..i’m thinking about making changes with one of my girlfriends. He showed me pics of him and the girlfriend that is also my girlfriend and told me about some of their stuff. i worked on the packing list for my husbands cruise that he has planned with his third girlfriend, and i’ve got a date set up with someone new…..plus while my husband is on a cruise, i’m going away for the weekend with my boyfriend. ….. and have been thinking about inviting his wife to join us.

Crazy stuff……

And yet….neither of us has ‘pinged’ or become triggered. i’m thinking of inviting my boyfriend out to breakfast in the morning….so that we can talk about some of this stuff. But, i don’t think it will be a big deal for him.

Poly Tools for the win.

Though, i must admit that part of the reason i haven’t become triggered is because of all the lovely time that my husband and i have spent together. He’s made me feel so wanted and cherished. How can i not support him in what makes him happy?

It’s when i don’t feel like i’m being put first….or even considered….or have enough time with him that i get triggered and fear that he will push me away.

So far….even with all these relationships…i’m doing ok.

It’s a great feeling. I actually feel full, in a good way.
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Poly Tools - Putting Myself in Someone Else's Shoes

Another tool that i like to use, and another one that is more recent and would have helped me out a LOT if i had figured this out earlier.

The tool is ‘putting myself in someone else’s shoes’. What this means is…..knowing what it’s like to be on my side of the fence and flipping it so that i can feel what it is like to be on the other side of the fence. For example, i want to tell my husband that the boyfriend and i would like to go on a trip. i want my husband to be supportive and happy for me. That means, when he tells me that he would like to go on a trip with his girlfriend, that i want to be as happy and supportive for him as i’d like for him to be for me.

Then, i get to spread that out. Another example: if i wanted to start dating someone else, i’d want my husband and boyfriend to be supportive. Therefore, i need to remember that if they come to me saying they want to start dating someone else. Simply because i want to give them the same support that i would like to have.

For some reason, this was a ‘aha’ for me about 3 years ago. We’ve been doing poly for 18 years. It would have made some of the earlier years so much easier for my husband, his girlfriends, our girlfriends and me. If i have figured this out…..i would have thought about how i’d want to be treated by a metamor and then putting myself in their shows with how they would like to be treated by me.

As a matter of fact, i’m learning a LOT from my boyfriends wife. She if very supportive of our relationship and very secure in her relationship with her husband. By being on the receiving end of her supportiveness, and feeling accepted by her, i’ve realized that that is what Dan’s other partners would like to feel from me.

It was rather enlightening when this ‘aha’ moment struck.

i still have to remind myself of it, but it’s much easier to remember now and has mellowed out my relationships with him and them.
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Poly Tools - Uncomfortable Doesn't Mean 'Wrong' part 2

I’m so glad I wrote that post yesterday about uncomfortable not being wrong.

My husband sprang a big one on me this morning. I had to see how i felt about it.

I found that I was following my new pattern,…….I have 2 ways of responding. One way is to be triggered and to totally flip out. The newer way of responding is to shut down when something is said that could have the potential to hurt me. So, I had to let him know that I wasn’t feeling anything and needed to think about it during the day and see if any real feelings came up about the situation.

Then, we talked later tonight and I realized that I hadn’t even gotten the uncomfortable feeling except for the first twinge.

I’ve made progress.
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Poly Tools - Uncomfortable Doesn't Mean 'Wrong'

For a long time, i thought those words meant the same thing. But, over time i’ve figured out that they don’t.

Let me say that again, because i have to remind myself of that again and again….’just because something feels uncomfortable, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.’

It could feel uncomfortable to have my husband go out and meet another girl for dinner. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong. We are poly….him going out to dinner with someone is what we do. It could feel uncomfortable to me, for him to be texting someone else. My feelings of jealousy or being uncomfortable does not mean what he is doing is wrong.

Now, that doesn’t mean that some feelings don’t mean something is wrong. If he’s going out to dinner with someone and he hasn’t given me enough notice and our agreement is that there will be a certain amount of notice given, that could be wrong. But, it’s not the poly itself that is wrong, it’s how it’s being done.

When my belly gets twisted up in knots, i really have to look at it. Is what my husband or boyfriend doing wrong? No? OK…..then i sit with the feeling. What is causing the feeling if it’s not because something he’s doing is wrong? Where is the feeling of being uncomfortable coming from? Am i jealous of the time that someone else gets? Am i envious that someone gets to spend that precious time with him? Is he taking her to a place i want to go? Am i feeling lonely? Am i not feeling cherished? Am i scared that i’m going to lose him? Is it a self-esteem issue on my part? These are things that can be fixed and maybe modified for the next time he goes out, so that i can have a more positive reaction.


But, if i get stuck on the idea that those two words mean the same thing, i’m going to get stuck into believing that poly is wrong. That the actions involved are wrong. He and i know better than that.

Since figuring out that they mean different things…..we’ve grown in our poly relationships by leaps and bounds. This is one of our most recent tools that we figured out, and one of the most beneficial ones.
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My Qadishtu Sefl as Seen By Others

I had someone write me and try to describe me energetically during sex……after reading what she had to say, it makes me want to be with more people so that they can see that side of me. Many people are intimidated by me, my place in the community, or just simply by my ‘resting bitch face’. But, this person, she gets me and decided to share it with me.
 
……. it feels like you open up a part of yourself that is - magickal. Pure and passionate and sensual in a way that practically vibrates, like touching a live wire. It's white but not-white, red but not-red. Something in me answers and it's a little like I might imagine entering something outside of time: nothing else really exists except you and me and the dance, and I know most of the steps even though I've never heard the music before…..  ‘
 

She has seen my Qadishtu self. 

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