Aug 2014

Stepping out of my shell

Well, I stepped out of my comfort zone yesterday and decided to do something with the ‘poly pod’. Why do i call it the ‘poly pod’? Well, i’m not comfortable with ‘family’, as my kids and granddaughter are my ‘family’. i like ‘tribe’ and ‘clan’ except that some of us don’t really interact with others of us, and some are new to the mix. So, ‘poly pod’ just seemed to pop into my head. i’m sure i’ve heard of it somewhere recently.


Doing all of this research on introverts had me thinking that i really do need to work at nurturing relationships. So, let’s do a potluck with all of us. And that’s what i’ve put together. That way none of have to decide who to spend time with. bat has her new girlfriend down, Karen it dating someone new, i’d like to spend time with my boyfriend but don’t want to leave my husband or his wife behind, and i’m betting Dan likes having his girls all together. A potluck sounded like a good idea.

It’s going to be food....and boardgames, on neutral territory. Well, neutral for the most part since Dan and i own the space. But, it’s not specifically someones house where anyone would feel like a guest instead of a peer.

Part of me is looking forward to it....part of me already wants to go hiking in the woods.


Judging at GLLA

The experience of being a judge at GLLA this past weekend was pretty surreal. I’ve judged before at a local bar contest and at International, but for some reason the regional seems more important.


At the bar level contest, it wasn’t built to feed into anything and the people running had been coaxed into it. It wasn’t a decision of theirs. So, once I realized they weren’t taking it seriously, I stopped taking it seriously.

At the International level, they’ve already done the work to get there. Regional is where they have to prove themselves. International has them competing against others that have proven themselves at a regional level. AT this point they’ve shown their stuff before and been judged on it. Now ‘it is what it is’. Best foot forward, but if nothing else, ‘I made it to International.’

So, to me, the Regional level is more important. This couple represents the region, the contest producers and the regional community. Knowing this, has me feeling like I’m under a larger spotlight.

I think we had a hard time this time around because there were 3 couples. This is a first for GLLA. And even worse, they were all great couples in their own right. The scoring points were amazingly close. All of us as judges were talking about the closeness, and just decided that we vote with our hearts and let the points fall as they may.

It was also a hard spot for me because I knew one of the couples. It’s hard enough to judge anyone, let alone someone I know and their sad history. I had to keep from crying a couple of times. Some of the judges weren’t so successful with that. Oddly enough I didn’t have an issue with remaining un-biased. That was one of the biggest worry’s.

Another worry was that I wouldn’t fit in. A couple of the judges I didn’t know but there was also Master Z of Dallas and Master Alex Keppler. I’ve chatted with them both bore, but Master Dan has been with me and did most of the talking. In this situation, I was a ‘peer’ as a judge but also slave on a team of mostly Masters. So, there was the potential of messing up and making my Master look bad. He didn’t seem to be worried about it though.

Huh, I just realized that he didn’t give me any rules or guidance about my judging. That’s odd. Or is it because I didn’t ask if he had any requirements. It used to be that I would have asked. So, does that mean that it doesn’t matter? Or that his requirements are so ingrained in me that I don’t have to ask. It better be the latter.

I also had to go through the phase of ‘what will I wear?’. I wanted to wear my corsets but it’s hard to sit in a corset for that many hours though. I know, first world problems.

I did get over my ‘i don’t like to judge people’ thing telling myself that i’m not judging them, i’m judging their actions ....and i want the best couple to represent what it is that i love and to show a good example.

i hope i made Him proud.

Service/ Spiritual/ Priestess Topping


Service Topping / Spiritual Topping/ Priestess Topping

As some of you know, I think about this topic a lot. I’m a slave. I’m a submissive. I’m a bottom. The idea of topping / domming/ or Mastering someone….doesn’t do anything for me. But, every once in a while, I fantasize about standing over someone with a crop, flogger, needles or biting them. So, what’s this about? I let the visuals float around in my head, and it feels like I’m missing something in the equation.

If I try to picture the bottom enjoying what I’m doing, it does nothing. If I picture me being a sadist and taking what I want, that does provide a slight tingle, but there is still something missing from the picture that would kick the whole thing into overdrive.

Service topping, to me, would be about providing a session/scene as a service. Bottom wants to experience a skill and I become the tool for them to achieve what they desire. That doesn’t do it…’s about the skill.

Spiritual topping ….well what does that exactly mean? I’ve tried to ‘spiritual top’ someone before, which to me, is still providing a service of an experience. Maybe it’s the experience of the Scarlet Sanctuary where I provide sacred touch. I’m still a tool, but a more personal tool. This does it for me, but still on a low level. Don’t get me wrong, I love doing the opening ritual and the closing ritual and providing sacred space and sacred touch, but it doesn’t necessarily feel like topping to me. There are built in limits.

Part of the answer came to me while presenting our class on styles of negotiation at GLLA over the weekend. This class talks about the ‘river’ style of negotiation, as one style. This style is about negotiating a specific scene with a beginning and an ending that has been designed. To me, that would be the style of negotiating for me to service top. Since I’m providing a skill scene, I would need to know the structure that I’m expected to adhere to. This doesn’t do it for me at all.

We talked about our other styles and then we came to the point in the class where we talk about ‘spiritual bdsm negotiation’….about being the ridden by spirit. About having a ‘goal’ and maybe a little structure, but otherwise having a blank canvas to work with. Being allowed to channel whatever comes through, specifically for cathartic work or celebration work. Allowing my walls to drop and just be the powerful priestess that I am.

That’s when it came to me….i’ve tried to put words to it before…..what I’m interested in, and what truly turns me on, and what is in my fantasies as a top, is to be a priestess top. Not just a spiritual top, but a primal priestess top that channels in the energy needed for healing, and trusted with a blank canvas. No rules. Full consent.

I’ve been lucky enough to have had this opportunity a couple of times, and I crave more. Master has allowed me to participate in His re-birthing ritual, with bondage and needles. I didn’t see myself as a top to Him though. I was His priestess using bdsm to provide the fear necessary to break Him down so that He could re-build Himself.

I’ve also had the fulfilling opportunity with a couple of other people and they’ve been amazing. One scene was even added to the book ‘Kink Magic’ by Taylor Ellwood, many years ago.

These are the topping ‘scenes’ that I’m fantasizing about. Priestess topping. The intensity, the depth, the connection to spirit and the Universe. Taking the chance of being ridden in the darkness. Rawrrrrrrrr!!!

Maybe if I throw this out there, the Universe will provide. It’s got to feel right though. I can’t just do it to do it. I did have one experience where they didn’t want to give up control, but wanted Master Dan and I to be the priest and priestess. It didn’t go well, because they didn’t let us channel….they wanted it fully structured their way. They didn’t get the result they wanted. I want a little structure and then stand back as I draw down the Goddess. Light Goddess, Dark Goddess….whatever shows up as the right one for the situation.


An Annoyance of Introverts


An annoyance of Introverts

  • Never displaying enthusiasm We're low-key, sure. But it's so deflating to bounce up to someone with good news and get "That's nice." Put some oomph into your attaboys (and attagirls). And in group activities, try to look like you're having fun if you are. You don't have to plaster on a grin, but at least think enthusiastic thoughts. They'll probably show in your demeanor.
I’m sure this can be an annoyance for my husband, boyfriend, kids and friends. I don’t bounce up and down if they give me good news. But, if the good news is by text or email, I’ve learned how to put smiley faces and exclamation points in it, so that it looks enthusiastic. In person, it’s just very hard for me to bring forth that kind of energy.

Understanding this, can minimize resentment in a relationship. If you have great news and are expecting an outburst from your introverted partner, you may not get what you are looking for. So, try telling your extroverted friends to get the response you need, to balance the response from your introverted ones.

Someone shared some amazing news a few weeks ago and though I gave her a smile and a ‘congratulations’….feeling joy for her inside of me, thinking I was radiating it to her….it was the bouncing, arms spread wide, ‘congratulations’ from an extroverted friend that she truly appreciated. At that moment, I truly wondered what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I be happy for this person. Well, I was happy. So, why couldn’t I physically have that response that fed her? Because it’s not who I am.

I just have to remember that it doesn’t mean I’m broken.

Do I want to change? I’m not sure.

When I started riding the high school bus in jr. high…a high school friend tried to get me to sit in the back of the bus with them. Even though I knew them all, the idea terrified me. They were horsing around and having a great time. I felt much more comfortable sitting in the front of the bus by myself. I didn’t like sharing my seat with other people either. Some thought this was because I was snobby or strange. Add to it that I was in the gifted classes and they thought that meant that I thought I was better than them. Fortunately, I was nice to them when I could bring myself to interact, so I lost the snobby label.

But, even though I wished I was like the funny others, and the ones that joked around in class, it wasn’t to be. Add to it that I was being abused at home, and I turned into the person that learned not to draw attention to herself. I actually blamed that on the reason I didn’t interact with others, and if I could just get over that after growing up, it would be a sign that I had recovered from the abuse.

Once doing all this research on being an introvert, I may just have to accept that fact that that is who I am.

There is no ‘fixing’ because there is no ‘broken’.

I’m not shy anymore. Though I used to be painfully shy (which is not the same as introverted, but it was layered with it). So, now I’m a not shy, introvert.

This means that I can participate in events, interact with others, run my own meditation center, present, produce events, run workshops, etc. etc. But, I like time by myself, or more especially with my husband even if we are just working on our computers together. 


Being an Introvert

By jove….I think I’m an introvert!
OK….as a child, I already knew this. Though, I liked being around my cousins and my brother, I was never comfortable around new people. If my parents got a new friend and brought them around, it took me awhile to warm up to them. Even now, it’s hard for me to make close friends and I mourn their loss when they decide to walk away. I have a lot of people that I know, from around the country and even around the world. But, not too many that I would call close friends. And it’s deep friendships and relationships that I crave.

I’m not that bubbly person that some of us envy. I’ve tried. I’ve had people in my life ask me to try. After about 20 minutes it wears me out and I need to go hide. It’s not that I’m depressed, most days. It’s that I don’t get small talk or surface conversation. I want to go deep and that usually throws people off. I’ve been called ‘too intense’ before. Though, that can draw some people in, but then they are all in my business and I only want to share what I’m comfortable with sharing…regardless of the fact that I share private stuff in our book, on our podcast and during our presentations. I’m still in control of what I share. And if you ask me something that I haven’t offered, if I answer it usually takes me a second or two to decide what I want to share.

So, I may be writing about being an introvert quite a lot over the next few days as Master and I work on writing a workshop in being poly and introverts. Should be interesting as I process stuff.

Here is a list of 21 dating problems introverts have to deal with....and many of these resonate with me.


1. Not immediately texting someone back because you’re scared of saying something stupid or looking too needy, and then forgetting to text them back altogether.

I do this all the time. I don’t like to answer right away without thinking, and when I do I usually text the wrong thing, or don’t put a smiley or something. So, I think about it. Same with emails and then I forget to write back and people take it personally or think I’m being irresponsible. That’s not my intent.

2. Wanting to just spend time next to someone, where each of you are doing your own thing, and having them mistake that for being “distant” or not wanting to be with them.

Dan and I both do this all the time. We have things to do, but someone wants to spend time with us. We invite them over and then tell them to bring a laptop or a book, something to keep themselves occupied. When we are interviewing a new person to be collared, this is one of the tests that we put them through. They must be able to sit with us and entertain themselves. If they can’t do this, the relationship isn’t going to work.

3. Having a minor anxiety attack before your first date because you do not feel quite ready to deal with people but you didn’t want to cancel at the last minute.

This happens to me all the time. It almost happened just the other day when I met a girl interested in dating. All the way up until the time to meet, I thought to cancel. I had no interest in trying to do small talk. But, I’ve been cancelled on, and it just seems rude to do to someone else.

4. Meeting someone online and enjoying talking to them so much that you almost don’t want to ruin it with your awkward “in-person” personality.

I don’t do well online either. I make myself flirt and reply and it all sounds exciting...but then when it’s time to meet someone I really don’t want to let them down with my real personality.

5. Having a really amazing and fulfulling relationship with someone very long-distance, where no one understands why you’re not more upset that you don’t get to spend more “quality” time with them.

I haven’t run across this one yet. Though, I do have high school friends that I can go years without seeing, and be ok with it. I love them dearly, but don’t need to talk with any regularity.

6. Double dates (shudder).

It would have to be with a couple that can entertain themselves. We have done a cruise with a couple that are friends, but we all agree up front that if we told each other to get lost, none of us would take it personally.

7. Having a really good date that ends badly because you both decided to go to a really loud, crowded bar and it totally drains you within ten minutes.

This has happened to me before. I keep thinking it will be a good idea and will end better than the last time I tried it. It never is and I feel like a failure.

8. Meeting all of the new SO’s friends for the first time and having to be “on” for an entire night.

I had to do this recently. The idea terrified me. I tried to stay near my boyfriend without giving any clue that I was in a relationship with him. No looks, no touching. But, I needed to be near him, because that’s when I felt safe. I had no interest in being inside and having to talk to people I didn’t know. It was easier sitting out on the porch and listening to everybody chat with each other. I could blend in without having to participate. Perfect environment.

9. Falling in love with someone who really likes to go out and having to try and explain to them every time that it’s not them, and it’s not their friends, it’s just that you can’t always be going out and still keep your sanity.

I haven’t run across this...I don’t think.

10. Being constantly asked “what’s wrong?” “are you okay?” and “why are you so quiet?” on dates.

I just had this happen the other night. I’ve tried to explain to him that I’m an introvert, but that’s probably hard to believe because of the podcast, events and presenting that I do.

11. Wishing there was an OKCupid specifically for introverts.

12. Not having people understand that just because you’re a little more reserved or quiet in social situations does not mean that you don’t enjoy sex or are a total prude in the bedroom — an assumption that people make more than you think they would.

I’ve got this one covered. I don’t think anyone thinks that I’m a prude at this point.

13. Meeting your SO’s family and hoping that they’re not going to be the kind of people who get on your case about wanting to just read a book in a corner for a while.

14. Texting with someone and trying to explain that you do want to see them, that you just can’t right now because you really need to recharge, and knowing that they’re going to take it badly and misunderstand.

15. Being referred to as the “quiet one” by their friends.

This happened to me all the time growing up.

16. Having your SO be genuinely surprised that, yes, you do have a group of friends and, yes, you do go out and do stuff sometimes.

17. Having to dance in front of people.

This idea absolutely mortifies me. They tried to get me to play dance dance revolution in front of people that I don’t know (except the boyfriend and his wife). You couldn’t get me up there with any amount of coaxing. For no amount of money

18. Going to weddings together where a) the pressure of “when are you two getting married?” is on full-force and b) it’s like 10 straight hours of socializing with a bunch of people you don’t know.

19. Inviting them over for the first time and having them ask about all of your things (and realizing that you’re really defensive over your things, like your book collection or your little nook by the window).

I’ve had this happen with the last two boyfriends and those that He has collared. I don’t like people asking me about my book collection and such. I’ve never understood it, but have always felt defensive.

20. Wishing that you could explain what being an introvert really means on a date without coming across like you’re weird or want to feel special.

21. Realizing that you might always be the “quiet one” when it comes to dating, and that there isn’t much you can do about it except hope that the world becomes more accepting. (Or maybe even that you find someone who’s just as “weird” and “quiet” as you are.) 



How Full is Your Bucket?

Pasted Graphic

How Full is Your Bucket?
Being a Bodhisatva

I just read this book on our drive to Chicago yesterday. I was able to read it in 40 minutes. It was written by a major person in the creation of positive psychology and his grandson and was a very easy read.

Basically, it’s about having a bucket that you try to keep full with positivity. Each person has a bucket. Positive actions towards others fills their buckets and in turn fills yours. Negative actions towards others empties their buckets. They don’t mention that being negative empties your own bucket, but i believe it does.

It also mentions that you shouldn’t be around those that empty your bucket. There is a part of me that doesn’t always believe that. If everyone walks away from those that empty buckets/are negative, that’s going to leave a lot of lonely people out there on their own. If people had left me when i was going through my negative times, i’d be in worse shape now. it was the support of those that stayed with me, that helped me out.

Well, i’ve been letting this book percolate within me since reading it....and what is coming together for me is that being someone that learns to fill other peoples buckets, is a bodhisatva. Yet, a bodhisatva will also fill the buckets of those that dip into others buckets more than they fill them.

Though, there is a line. There are some people that attempt to fill buckets, but aren’t true with their actions. It’s pretend for them because they think it’s more about the actions instead of about truth and really feeling positive about something. I can tell if someone says something ‘positive’ to me or gives me a gift...but they aren’t really feeling it. To me, that feels like manipulation. Don’t try to fill my bucket because you want me to feel a certain way. i’m not sure that i’m explaining that correctly.

i’m going to have to think about it a little more.


Reiki and Darkness

During a recent Reiki Share that I hosted at the Columbus Insight Center, one of the attendees ended up seeing visions with each of the people that climbed up on the massage table to receive Reiki. Each of us there were at least level 1 Reiki attuned, and were practicing on each other. Reiki practitioners don’t usually get to receive Reiki, only give to those needing us. So, a Reiki Share is a good time to just lay back and receive.

This attendee shared with most everyone what her visions were, while we were sitting around at the end of the evening just relaxing. They were all pretty positive and left the girls smiling. She didn’t share one with me, and I didn’t really notice it until later when I read an email from her.

It doesn’t surprise me when people can’t read me. My walls are usually up nice and tight. Though, one of the girls did say that she could tell when some blockages brock up with me because she could feel me physically relax. I remember those moment as well.

It was a great group of people that night, though none of my regulars were there, and I didn’t know any of the attendees this time around. I’m glad I didn’t cancel the evening like I had thought about.

Here is the email I received from the girl:

Thanks for hosting the Reiki share tonight. It was a really positive experience for me, and I hope it was for all. I had a reading for you, too, but I felt it was better to tell you in private. 

First of all, I love your energy! It was amazing all of the masters, guides, and angels you had around you, too; there were at least 100 who revealed themselves to me when I asked for their presence. Your body and inner auras were very clear and bright. All I could do was send even more love. 

The only negative I found was around your aura about 3ft out from your back, or however high the table was; it skirted the ground. There was this shell of earth that covered the perimeter, almost like it was caked to it. When I tried to clear it, I found a pit of "evil things"--peering eyes and imps and such. They cleared very quickly, so it was not an issue. I'm sure with your spiritual background, you're probably aware that the brighter we are, the more we attract. I just felt like Spirit wanted to remind you to stay vigilant; I'm sure you do. 

Now when I think about it, I wonder if I should have tried to remove the earth at all. Sorry if I messed with anything I shouldn't have. I got my attunements rather quickly, and I've only been in practice for less than three years. 

My response to her:

It doesn't surprise me that found a spot at my back. This is where i work the most to remove cords that attach to me. The person that attaches.....I don't know that he's even aware that he does so.....but he had attempted to feed from me since i was a child. I have not been able to create a wall thick enough to keep the cord from reattaching every now and then. I've burnt it with my golden dragon familiar and have had it cut with the sword of Archangel Michael. Over time, it will return. Maybe the earth was a way for Mother Earth to help me out. i don't know. It might be time to burn it again. 

How perceptive of her. A little too close to the mark, which is another reason I keep my walls up.
What I didn’t tell her is that the leech that tries to attach to my back is my main abuser when I was a child. I can feel him thinking about me and that re-creates the cord attachment. When I can feel him, is when I put together a ritual to burn the cord. It doesn’t surprise me that there are creatures of darkness along the lines of that chord. They are probably waiting for it to re-attach so that they can feed off of my fear and pain from the memories.

I’m kind of wishing she hadn’t removed the earth covering it. That was probably part of the protection that my spirit guides put into place and I’m probably going to need all the protection I can muster over the next couple of days.

For some reason, I said ‘yes’ to a PTSD study at OSU. It starts tonight. What was I thinking? Probably that I’m stronger than I think I am. But, what if I’m not? Only time will tell. 

Ethical Slut

Once again, i’m reading the book, ‘Ethical Slut’. i love this book and recommend it to anyone starting a path of poly, open-relationships, or sacred sexuality.

More later.....


The Joys of Poly

joyful_hearts large

We had a great time over the weekend, and had a few moments of joy in our poly relationships. Friday night we spent having dinner with my boyfriend and his wife. We met half way, and the 4 of us spent a pleasant evening together over dinner in a quiet restaurant in Springfield.

I still worry a little that the guys won’t get along, or that his wife will give me the eye. Goodness knows I’ve given a few girls the eye. I think his wife has realized how respectful I am of their relationship though. I don’t push in, and I am constantly checking in with her to make sure everything is ok. That seems to go a long way with keep things smooth.

But, I didn’t need to worry. I sat with one hand on the husbands knee and one hand on the boyfriends knee. It was strange, yet so NOT strange. It felt right.

I did wonder what the patrons of the restaurant thought. My husband hugged his wife and him. I hugged his wife and kissed him. Then, I have a hand on each one under the table. I wonder if they thought I was being sneaky.

Then, outside when it was time to leave, I kissed the boyfriend in front of the husband. Was that a first? I’m not sure.

Then, on Saturday, we spent the morning together, and then the rest of the day with his girlfriend. We even started a quickie podcast together on the spot. ‘Three Thumbs Up’. That is a biggie for us, since i’m the one that likes to keep the ‘Dan and dawn’ stuff separate from either of our partners.

It seemed to go pretty well.

So.....poly joy moments of the weekend...holding hands with both of my men...and recording the new podcast with husband and his girlfriend.

Three Thumbs Up


Skunk Medicine


Over the years of drawing medicine oracle cards....Skunk really spoke to me on a gut level. As a matter of fact, we are pretty sure that skunk is one of Dan’s power animal totems and have embraced that energy since figuring it out. It’s not the power animal he wanted, because it’s small. But, it definitely fits. We even used it as one of the symbols of our Leather House, which we had to explain to the judges when running for title.

What we took away from the message of Skunk, was that we drew people to us that were like us, and repelled those that weren’t. This meant that we never had to throw someone out of one of our groups. They left if they were not like us.

Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how it’s looked at, that energetic connection to others, means that if we are working on something in our lives, usually the people that are also needing to work on the same thing show up in our lives. So, if i’m working on something with my healing path, people with the same issues show up looking for help or mentoring. This can be seen as a blessing, or a challenge.

But, this morning......i drew the skunk card again....and took away more meaning to it that we had forgotten over time.

Reputation - Walking your Talk - Self Esteem permeates your energy field and will be picked up by others - Walk Tall - Be proud of your accomplishments - Self Esteem is your protection


Skunk - Reputation

Skunk medicine! Go ahead and laugh. This furry little animal has a reputation that contains a great deal of power. Due to its distinctive behavior, humans give this tiny, smelly creature a wide berth. The key word here is “respect.”

Unlike other predatory animals, Skunk does not threaten your life but threatens your senses. You know this to be true if you have ever been in the vicinity of its spray. In observing the habit patterns of Skunk, it is easy to notice the playfulness and nonchalance of its natural behavior. The “I-dare-you” attitude of this four-legged creature commands you, as the observer, to respect its space by mere reputation alone.

Skunk is teaching you that by walking your talk and by respecting yourself, you will create a position of strength and honored reputation. The carriage of your body relates to others what you believe about yourself. There is no need to bully, aggravate, torment, or overpower other beings when your sense of “self” is intact. As with Skunk, the resonant field of energy around your body is relayed through the senses.
Self-esteem permeates the body’s energy, and is instantly recognized on an extrasensory level by others.

Learn to assert, without ego, what you are. Respect follows.
Your self-respectful attitude will repel those who are not of like mind, and yet will attract those who choose the same pathway. As the odor of Skunk attracts others of its kink, it repels those who will not respect its space.

Skunk medicine people have the ability to attract others, and they are very charismatic. At the same time, the other side of their natural power is to repel those who seek, to take energy from them without recycling the gifts they have taken.

Skunk medicine people also know how to use the energy flows that will attract a lover.
Some people call this sexual magic, as it is akin to the musk scent that animals excrete to attract a mate. It can be dangerous to leak sexual energy if you are not looking for a mate. It puts you into a dames condition that may feed your ego but not how others feel about you. If you are attracting others who have an interest in you, you are in sense saying, “I’m available.” This can cause hard feelings when the truth comes out. It also leaks energy that you could have used in a more constructive way.

In Skunk medicine, it is good to learn how to handle energy flows. Modern psychologists call this body language. In tribal teachings, this is your personal medicine which you are showing to others.
Use your medicine well, and know that you are known by your reputation. How you use your energy will attract either honor or disgrace. You may want to examine what energy you are putting out that creates your present situation.

If you have chosen this symbol, you are being asked to notice the kinds of people who are attracted to you. If they emulate favorable characteristics, have enough self-esteem to recognize those characteristics within yourself. Walk tall and be proud of the accomplishments you have made. Bear in mind that what you believe about yourself is your ultimate protection. Project self-respect!