Aug 2016

It's all my fault (could be triggering)


When you are raised in an alcoholic household, with an abusive father and an enabling mother….you learn to believe that everything is your fault.

‘If only you hadn’t…..(fill in the blank)….I wouldn’t have reacted that way.’

‘if you’d just not talked to that boy on the phone, I wouldn’t have ripped the phone out of the wall.’

‘if you hadn’t gotten upset when I tried to drown your dog, I wouldn’t have knocked your bedroom door down’

‘if only you had gotten up faster from your homework when your mom called you, I wouldn’t have thrown the ashtray at your head’

‘if only you had changed the station fast enough, I wouldn’t have taken the tv away’

‘if only you didn’t exist, I wouldn’t go out to drink’

‘if only you didn’t exist, I could have been a stewardess’

Or other messages:

‘I’m not helping you get into college. You just think you’re better than us.’

‘You’re so pretty, I can’t help myself’

All of it, my fault. A child. Adults not taking responsibility for their actions.

So, now, someone doesn’t speak to me, my fault.

Someone doesn’t come to a workshop, my fault.

Someone snaps at me, my fault.

And I find myself apologizing even when my logic tells me it’s not my fault, but my emotions tell me differently. 
Could be triggering…..sometimes my posts aren’t happy little posts….


A Joy of Poly ....Adventure

A joy of poly

As some of you might have read, I want to a kink party Saturday night and followed it up by going to a swingclub. At this swing club, i was part voyeur and part exhibitionist; masturbating in the big room where there were about 20 fucking in different arrangements.

Why is this a joy of poly? Well, I told both partners that I was going. Well, one is my power exchange partner, so I asked permission, and the other one I gave a heads up to. They were both encouraging and told me they wanted stories if anything naughty happened. They said this with a smile, practically pushing me to experience what I could.

To me, that’s a joy of poly. If either of them were feeling jealous, I knew they would speak up and tell me to go anyway. That’s how we communicate. So, when they told me to have fun, I knew they meant it. So, away I went with their full blessing. And I had fun.

I came back and wrote about the experience the next day and shared it with them both. They were both excited for me.

I love this. I love having partners that support my adventurous side and my slutty side. Two partners that are accepting of me. Two partners that trust me. Two partners that lift me up so that I can shine.

Yes. This can happen in Monogomy….well except for the slutty part I guess. …….Actually this hasn’t been my experience in Monogomy or any other Monogomous relationships that I’m aware of. Though there has to be some that exists.

So for me, this is ‘A Joy of Poly’. 

The Joy of......

I think I'm going to write more joyful posts.....

The Joy of being Poly.....
The Joy of being a Slut...
The Joy of being a slave...
The Joy of......whatever is making me happy that day. 

I love this idea. 

For today.....i have 2. 

The Joy of being Poly and the joy of being a slut....pokemon. 

How can I write about the Joy of being poly and the joy of being a slut and the story be focused around Pokemon? Simple. The boyfriend. 

We couldn't meet on our usual Wednesday night because his wife had just gotten back from a trip and he wanted to spend time with her. So, we went out last night instead. We talked and talked about past relationships. He let me talk about the old boyfriend that I just came across again recently. 

And then we went out pokemon hunting. Oddly enough, this is something that I don't share with my husband. He tried it for an hour or so and just didn't get into it. Whereas, I love it and got the boyfriends wife to play and between the two of us, got him interested in playing. So, now we have something we share. So, after dinner, it was off to go hunting. A Joy of Poly. 

Before we left the restaraunt, I made sure to take off my panties. Just in case he was feeling frisky. Needless to say, I was wearing a skirt. It wouldn't make sense to take off panties if I was wearing pants. 

We also talked about what it was like to be a slut. He talked about his slutty past. I talked about my slutty past, which didn't match his for number of partners. Though I've had more kinky encounters. 

So, pokemon hunting in the dark. Downtown of a small town where we had met for dinner. Lots of people. Lots of dark places. After putting a hand on my ass, he realized what I had done to prepare for this time together. He smiled. Not once, not twice, not three times; he gave me the opportunity to push my slutty boundaries. He was great at making sure no one was around, and I could have always said no. But, I liked the feeling of my heart racing, my breath coming out as panting, him taking charge, and him protecting me and us. I was thinking clearly for the most part and made the choice each time to follow through with what he asked. And it was fucking hot! I'm so glad I didn't chicken out. The Joy of being a Slut. 


A Joy of Poly.....Wine

I have been having a great time writing about my joys with poly.....

As i was in the shower this morning, it struck me that one of my joys of poly is just the fact that i get to experience the world through others eyes. There are things that Dan and i don't do together, because one of us isn't interested and the other one isn't interested enough to seek it out. BUT, if you are dating someone with different interests, you may end up doing some things you may or may not have thought of, and enjoy yourself, simply becasue it's something that the other person likes. 

For example, Dan doesn't drink. Won't drink. Can't drink. Actually, it would break our M/s contract if He did drink. He's been clean/dry since 1989, so that's a mandatory for Him. Out of respect for Him, i don't drink in front of Him and with alcoholism running in my family and it being an issue for me when i'm drepressed, i stay away from it on my own....But when you have a boyfriend that knows a little about wine and has done wine tastings before, and you've never done a wine tasting....what a great way to experience it. Yes, you can do this with friends. i know this. But, how much more fun to do it with someone you are in a relationship with?

So, we went to hocking hills for our anniversary, and one of the things we did was go to a winery down there and do some wine tasting. I didn't even know they had wineries in Ohio! And it was so much fun! Sipping the little bits of each flavor, being poured by the owner of the vineyard. And i'm not a wine drinker. i've never come across a wine that i like. But, that day i got to try 12 different wines (and remember why i don't like them.....bleck). And i caught a buzz, which was a surprise to me from those little sips. The owner took it as a challenge when he found out that i actually didn't like wine. It was his mission to find one i would like. And he won! From those 12, 11 were yuck. i'm not sure how people drink that stuff. But, 1....there was 1 that i could enjoy. So, we bought a bottle and sat out on the porch on a wicker couch, under the fans, overlooking the vineyards and enjoyed a glass, celebrating our anniversary. We only drank 1/2 a bottle and then had the owner recork it and we took the rest with us back to the cabin, along with another bottle for each of us. 

This is not something that was on my bucket list, i would have done on my own, and i don't have friends that i would have done this with. but what an amazing experience trying something new with someone important to me.

Now I can’t wait to go back and get another bottle…..though the next time i’m there, i’ll be with his wife.

Poly Book Review

OK…..i don’t usually bash other peoples books…..but….

It’s very frustrating to come across a book on a topic that you’d like to read more about, and then realize that it’s full of mis-information. Usually I would get upset and stop reading the book, but instead I’m using it as fodder for writing about my thoughts on the subject.

The subject is Polyamory. The book is ‘The Polyamorous Relationship: Discover What it is, How it Works, and Whether or Not It’s Right for You’ by Peter Landry.

Right off the bat, in the introduction, I was like ‘WTF’. In the introduction, he talks about how his first experience with poly was when he found out that his great grandmother had bought a woman for his great grandfather, because she didn’t want any more children by him. The author considered this to be poly. Hello, this is slavery not poly, regardless of the fact that they lived together. The first descriptor that many of us use when we talk about poly, is how it’s ethical. I don’t believe that buying another human being is ethical, so therefore call it what it is.

I can’t find any more information on this author, so I have no clue if he himself is poly or not. But, by the way the book is written, I’d have to say that he isn’t. For one, right off the bat, he confuses poly and swinging. He says that poly is the umbrella term, and swinging falls under that umbrella term. What? Sorry, they are 2 different lifestyles that fall under the umbrella term, ‘non-monogamy’.

Chapter 1 is titled: Considering a Polyamorous Relationship? In this chapter he talks about the fact that he ‘knows’ people that live this life and therefore he’s ‘in a unique position to address this subject.’….again, WTF? That would be like me saying, ‘I know people that are in the military, so that puts me in a unique position to write about military life.’

Chapter 2 is titled: Swinging with Swingers. Really. Here we are at the beginning we are going to talk about swinging in a poly book? As I read through this chapter I had to read parts aloud to Dan and Karen, who had the same response that I did. …..’WTF?’. This author says that all swingers are couples and that most do it to save their marriages, and that they are all looking to find other couples to swap partners with. Not true. I know many singles that are swingers. And some that don’t swing with their partners if they have partners, and some that swing with some poly partners but not others. There is no box and the fact that this guy builds a box, tells me he doesn’t have much experience.

OH…..and he says this which even had me feeling icky……’Some men don’t like being touched by other men (ditto with women). If you want to try swinging to explore your gay side, make that very clear before all four of you hop into the car for the drive home.’ Wow, if I want to explore my GAY side…..really?

Chapter 3 is titled: Understanding Polyfidelity. Why would you go from a couple of paragraphs about considering poly in chapter 1, to swinging in chapter 2, to polyfidelity? Ok whatever, I’m not the author of a poly book (yet), so will reserve judgement on the order of chapters. There is plenty of other stuff that has my panties in a wad. ….Chapter 3. Though the title says ‘Understanding Polyfidelity’, he goes on to talk about different types of relationship configurations. One of the ones he talks about is the ‘V’. “Vs are usually temporary because two members have a stronger bond and were already together when the third person entered the relationship.’ I know a couple of people in V’s that would explode at this idea.
OK…..on to Chapter 4