Dec 2014

Cherish




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Recently, I decided to look up the facebook of an old boyfriend. I’m not a stalker, much, of past relationships, so I’m not exactly sure why I decided to do so. What I found, kind of took me by surprise.

Though he had dated me in a poly situation, he ended up cheating on me. He found someone on-line that he wanted to date at the same time he was dating me, but oops, forgot to tell me about it until a week after he had slept with her. Then, wouldn’t tell me what their safer sex practices were. When I told him no more sex from me until he told me what their safer sex practices were, he broke up with me. All for the best if he was going to cheat on me, which boils down to lying in my book.
 
Well, what I found out through his profile is that he left his 3 small children, divorced his wife and married the girl he cheated on me with. Wow. I’m glad I got out when I did.
 
Finding his profile was so easy that I decided to give another try to trying to find my old high school boyfriend. Now him, I did stalk for a little while and was very frustrated when I couldn’t google him or find him on facebook. He has an unusual name so could have been under a couple of nicknames that he used to use. Never could find him. This time, I found him on the first try. Wow again. He looks the same, and is so damn cute. He looks happy. He was the one that I was dating when I figured out I was poly, though I didn’t have a name for it.
 
I started reflecting on these 2 relationships. I got something from both of them, but it struck me that one of the main things I learned about myself was that there is something that I need from any relationship that I’m in, that I did not get from either of these 2 guys. What this is, is the act of being cherished.
 
When I was dating this guy in high school, I was ok with him dating other girls….but I don’t think they were ok with him dating me. So, it worked well for him that we lived in neighboring counties and I wasn’t supposed to take my car out of the county. So, if he came up to my town to go out with me, he was pretty safe from being seen. But, there would be times that we’d be walking hand in hand in the Mall and someone he knew would see him. He’d immediately break off contact and explain that I was his cousin or something. I’d joke it off, feeling the better person because he wouldn’t have to do that if he was dating another girl and was caught holding hands, and was afraid of me finding out. He knew I’d be ok with it.
 
But, over time, the joke wore thin. I wanted him to claim me as his girlfriend. Let the other girls deal with it. He would not. He wouldn’t even allow his picture to be taken with me. I started feeling rejected. I definitely wasn’t cherished. We had a great time sexually, but he’d never admit that I was his girlfriend. We dated for 18 months. He was attentive if no one else was around. He was loving. He was compassionate on most things. He helped me through some times that I went through with my parents. Hell, in the end we were un-officially engaged. This means he asked me, gave me a ring and then asked me not to wear it around other people.
 
Looking back on it now, how crazy was I to stay in that situation? But, I was head over heels with him. Completely smitten. But, over time, it struck me that I’d never be cherished. That’s what was missing. He would never cherish me enough to want to be with me. He’d never cherish me enough to say ‘yes, she’s my girl’. He be forever joking off our relationship. I didn’t care that he dated others, but claim me as well. Don’t act like I’m a secret in a closet. Want to spend time with me. Cherish me for the person I am and what I have to offer. Want to hold me. Don’t do it because it’s expected. Want to love me. Cherish me.
 
You’d think I would have learned that lesson. But, after breaking off with him, I went directly into a long term relationship with the same MO. Then, Dan and I put together a contract that involved writing down what our needs and wants were. After putting this together and thinking about it for 3 months, I had an epiphany. That epiphany was that I need to be cherished in a relationship. If I’m not cherished, what’s the point of being in the relationship?

How easily we forget.

While married to Dan I started dating G. G had sought me out, found me through the podcast. Wow, someone was interested in me. Of course I would date him. He was nice. Not exactly what I was looking for, but I had looked for a long time and wasn’t finding anyone to have a poly relationship with. He was nice. He treated me ok. But, after about 14 months, I realized I was being taken for granted. And he had to hide me. Not just on facebook. That I understood. But, everywhere. He wouldn’t take me places anymore. It all became about sex. I wasn’t allowed to meet his kids, or spend time with his wife, who I happened to like. We weren’t to be associated.
 
Cherished? Not likely. When we broke it off, it was for the best. I had started feeling that sense of not being cherished.
 

So, what have I figured out? That if someone doesn’t want to be with me, doesn’t cherish me, doesn’t want to hold my hand when we are together...and hold it because they want to, not because they think I want them to……or does this stuff because it’s expected, not because they want to……that it’s not the relationship for me. I need to be cherished. That is the foundation for my ability to trust the other person, to be vulnerable with the other person, to share all of me with another person....which is the ultimate for me.
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Procrastination and Equanimity


Georgetown-Cupcake-Red-Velvet-Cupcakes-Recipe

I’m once again reading ‘The Road Less Travelled’ by M. Scott Peck. I loved this book when I read it many years ago, but I don’t remember much about it. So, when I saw a paperback version of it at the library book sale we went to with Kevin and Katie, I grabbed it.

Well, I can see that I’ll be writing about bits and pieces of it as I reflect on it with my new Buddhist knowledge. There are pieces that I can agree with through my experience, but that I want to change because of things I’ve learned on the Buddhist path.

For example, one of the things he talks about in this book is about his client who procrastinates. He ended up using an example of a cupcake with her, asking her which part she eats first. ‘The frosting of course’, she said. It seems that she liked to eat the best part first….or with work, she liked to do the easiest stuff in the first hour, but that meant doing the harder stuff through the rest of the day. He convinced her that if she saved the best for last, it would make the cupcake taste better. If she did her hard work in the first hour of work, that would give her 6 hours of doing the stuff she enjoyed.

This makes sense to me, because at work right now I do the same thing. I cherry pick the easy stuff and then put off doing the harder stuff. So, switching my way of thinking should fix my procrastination issues. Right? You’d think so. But, having that logic at my finger-tips, doesn’t always work.

So, my thinking is, if I could release the attachment I have to the feeling tone of my work, if I would feel equanimity with my work, then I wouldn’t procrastinate. Everything would be equal and would get done in order of importance, or whatever order I wanted to give it, besides the ‘easy/hard’ evaluation I give it now.

Equanimity and de-tachment to feeling tone. To me, that’s the answer to procrastination, not trying to keep a visual in my head of whether I eat the icing of a cupcake first or last.

How do I get to de-tachment of feeling tone and equanimity about my work? That’s the question. Practice, practice, practice is my guess.
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