Feb 2014

Ripped a Hip

How frustrating!!!

Second day of work and trying to figure out how to get my exercise in so that i don’t lose focus with my training schedule. I unlock the door at the Room for the group meeting tonight and then go to the gym close by. i only got a half mile jogged when i felt a sharp burning pain in my hip....it feels like I ripped something.

i had to stop. Couldn’t even finish with walking :(

Once again, I’ve pushed myself too hard. Grrrrrrrr

I’m sitting in my desk chair at the moment.....not much pain. I’m afraid when i get up to close down the Room, pain will flair again.

Dan is wanting to take me to urgent care. Urgent Care is closed though. But, if it’s as bad as i think it’s going to be when I get up to walk, it may be an emergency room visit :(
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Starting a New Day


First

Well, today is a first. And as Master told me last night, it is one of many ‘firsts’ that i have accomplished. i’ve had many jobs that had a first day. i’ve had a first child, i’ve had a first second child, i’ve had a first grand-child, i’ve run for a first Leather contest, i’ve won a first Leather contest, i’ve lost a first Leather contest, i’ve opened a first Meditation Center, i’ve written a first book, i’ve written a first second book, i’ve presented many first workshops in many first cities. I’ve walked a first half-marathon and there will be many more ‘firsts’ for me. And because of all this experience with ‘firsts’ and being successful with so many of them, i will do ok with this new ‘first’ of starting a new job.

And He was right. Today wasn’t so bad, and I’m already calculating the paycheck. My first day was today and my first pay will be this Friday. How weird is that?

i still missed the pup. But, they let us leave early which means i got to come home and be taken out to dinner and then interviewed someone for the podcast, chilled and watched an episode of ‘Lost’ and shot Master in a game (or 4) of ‘Call of Duty’. :)
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Change

Not doing too well.....I still don’t know if I have the job on Monday. The references aren’t all in and I don’t know if the drug test is back yet. I’m not worried about them, I just don’t know if they’ll be back in time. So, do I go out and buy clothes, shoes, stuff for my desk? Well, I’m not going to. I’d hate to buy stuff and not get the job.

Master took off Friday so that we can go over the plan for when I start the job. Teaching him how to use the washer and dishwasher. It’s not hard but each one has its own little nuances. He is perfectly capable of doing anything that needs to be done, but I’ve done most of it because I’ve been home. It felt like the right thing to do, and I like taking care of Him. He is my focus in life. Service to Him means so much to me. It fulfills me. I wish it could be more.

I wish I could have made CIC a success. I’m lucky that it pays for itself.....but am only now able to make it make more than enough money. For a business, that’s actually great progress...but it’s still now enough to take care of my student loan. The only way to do that is for me to go back to work. I can help re-build that nest egg that we worked so hard for at the beginning of our relationship.

change-wordle

So many changes though. Everything is getting ready to be turned upside down. Master will be helping with the house, the dog will be in daycare and the boyfriend will be away for a month. I feel so ......I don’t know.

I know I can do this. I know we can do this. I’ve been through major upheavals before. Actually, with what I’ve been through, I can handle most situations. But, I just don’t do well with change. I know Master will be a great support. It’s just going to be weird.
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Power Exchange Rituals

After 6 years of being able to stay home and take care of my Master, i will be joining the corporate america workforce once again. Though the money will be nice, i’m not so sure that i’m looking forward to it. Why? Well, i like the service that i do for him. i love packing his lunch, setting out his clothes, packing his gym bag, filling his water bottle, doing the laundry and dishes and making the bed. All of this is going to be changing in one form or another. Though, i’m not sure how yet.

We are going to sit down and make a plan. We will have to figure out how to fit in all the house work, meditation time, podcasting, exercise, packing lunches, making dinner and working at the CIC most evenings, plus all the traveling that we do.

It will all have to change. i don’t deal well with change. Part of how i’m going to deal with it though is by thinking of me bringing in a paycheck as one of my first priorities in service to my Master. This is needed to pay back my student loan and build up our next egg again. It will also relieve some stress on his part, which was starting to effect us.

This is a new challenge and we will survive.

We did this when i worked at Qwest, though we weren’t traveling as much. And instead of the CIC, i had meetings at the house with the Sacred Flame Circle a couple of times a week. The difference is that the CIC isn’t my house. Which means i’ll be working there instead of being home with my family (Master and Ginger).

It will work out. We’ll figure it out. The trick will be to do it in such a way that I don’t feel like a failure for not being able to do as much service. We pulled someone in to help when I wasn’t physically able to do my duties. That was hard enough. So, to pull someone in now.....I have a feeling I’ll be resisting it as well. I want to keep my duties. I want to run CIC....it is a passion. It’s a dream come true. If I’m not running it, what’s the point of even having it? If someone else is managing it, then it’s just a responsibility. Once it’s just a responsibility, I probably won’t want it anymore and there goes a dream.

I taught Master how to mail out a deck of Kink Starter cards this morning....and Master just started packing his gym bag for tomorrow.....it has begun.
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Body Acceptance

Well, it’s kind of funny how things happen. I was going to post my ‘Changing Body’ writing to get, but instead came across a writing in a Trauma Survivors group about calling people out on being fat and having a food addiction and being unhealthy because they are fat.

That totally tripped me out. I had to wait a full 24 hours before responding to it and only did so because people responding were acting like it was ok to call someone out because they were fat.

Personally, I’d consider that very rude. What gives someone the right to ‘call someone out’, with the excuse of saying it’s because you believe someone is unhealthy?

So, I’m going to post what I had to say here. I think I handled it pretty even-handedly.....but as someone that is having problems with body acceptance lately, I can’t even imagine if someone came up to me and tome me I had to lose weight because they are concerned that I’m unhealthy. My numbers are better than most people I know and I exercise more than most I know (except Master...He’s hard core) :)


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Well, i've been thinking and thinking about this....trying not to take it personally and making sure my feelings are not coming from a trigger. And from what i can tell, they aren't. But, i do feel very strongly about this. And my opinion seems to be different than others that have answered. i'm totally ok with that.

i am a fat woman. i am a healthy fat woman. All of my numbers are in normal range except for my iron because of my gluten issues. i walk half-marathons, i'm training to run a 5k this spring. Not that i need to defend myself or my size.

Regardless, if someone decided to 'call me out' on being fat, not only would i consider it rude, but i would seriously wonder why someone felt the need to be in my business. We are all mirrors of each other and if someone felt the need to call me out on something that is bothering them, i would highly suggest looking in the mirror to see what it is about themselves that they see reflected that is bothering them and then advise they work on their own issues.

Supposedly, i belong to a community that is about acceptance and it is not for me to judge peoples personal preferences in how they live their lives.

i was just at a weekend event over the weekend and it was full of beautiful people, and yes some of them were fat and feeling very comfortable in their own skin. i love the atmosphere where we are accepted for who we are.

So, if someone decides to walk away from me because of my 'addictions', whatever they think that may be, that's their choice. Personally, i think i'm a great person, beautiful even and someone that gives back to the community a hundred fold. To judge me on my size.....tsk tsk.

Besides, the only person i have to answer to is my Master. :)

Just my 2 cents worth.....

~dawn

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Changing Body

My body is changing. There is no doubt about it. I’m losing weight and my body is sagging. It’s frustrating. It’s finally the right time (emotionally/mentally) for me to be ok with losing weight, and now my body won’t shrink with the weight loss.

I posted this frustration recently and someone responded with the fact that they were hating their body again after their weight loss. I realized this is happening with me as well. I don’t want to post any recent pictures that don’t have me fully covered. And I don’t want to hate my body again. We’ve had a love hate relationship for a very long time. It comes from the past abuse. I know it does. It’s the shame attached to my body. It’s the hate of my body being used against me. But, that doesn’t make it any easier to move past. The only thing that worked was the work Master put into my growth. He worked with me little by little ....well sometimes he kicked me in the ass. But, through his help and acceptance of my body, I learned to love it. Or at least be ok with it.

Now, he still accepts it. The boyfriend accepts it. But, I’m having a hard time.

Well, when things like this happen....namely ‘resistance’.....the Universe puts something in my path to make me think about things. For instance, I went to Winter Wickedness over the weekend. I volunteered to demo for two workshops. The first one would have been challenging body image wise. It was for a squirting class. I would have done it and I’m sure the presenter wouldn’t have minded my size, but I would have worried about it during the whole class. Luckily, or unluckily (if that is even a word)....I was only a back up and he ended up not needing me.

Instead, I ended up demoing for Lee Harrington’s class, on how to use clothes for bondage. Well, I needed to bring clothes that were ok to be torn or used, so I brought clothes that were too big for me. My old clothes that used to be too tight. I even brought a pair of my old pink granny panties. As I was pulling them out of Goodwill bags, I realized that since I’d be working with Lee, it could actually become ritualistic. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to mention to Lee what these close were or what they meant to me, because knowing how spiritual and rites of passage oriented Lee is, I had a feeling it would turn into something else.

Well, when I go there, the other demo person that I had been told had backed out, was there as well. Lee decided to use both of us. I went ahead and him about the pink granny panties. He said we’d absolutely use those for humiliation play. Great! Not! So, now I’m worried as I stand to the side while he works with the first demo person. Then, he turns to me, has me strip in front of the class....asking if I’m ok with it. I’m ok with it but not liking it. He then tells everyone that my body is changing and that I’ve made a conscious choice to change it even though it’s not turning out the way I’d like. And that it’s beautiful. He then has me put on the pink panties, mentioning that I do a lot for the community and am very brave to get up in front of everyone. He kneels and writes on my panties that I am awesome. Stands up and says that positive words can be used for humiliation. He then asks people in the audience if they want to write something on my panties. Someone from the audience stands up and writes on them that I am fun to be with. I think I’m pretty red at this point. Not what I expected at all.

He finally lets me put on a sweatshirt and showed off some things that can be done. As well as a t-shirt over my head and tried to water board me. Scary stuff. All the while I’m standing there in my pink panties.

At the end of the workshop, I had someone come up to me and tell me that she was so appreciative of what I had done. This surprised me because I would consider her a very beautiful lady. But, she wanted me to know that she thought I was very brave to do what I did and then cried on my shoulder. Wow. How so very powerful!

I think I’m going to have to have a cutting old big clothes off ritual when I lose some more. The feeling is very powerful. Someone mentioned to me that they didn’t want to write nice things on my panties, they had the urge to cut them off instead. I almost let him. But, would rather have it part of a bigger ritual I think. Yeah, that is sounding pretty needed, for me to accept my body again.

But, I would like to hit a number that I’ve been striving for for a very long time: 220 pounds. Why 220? I have no clue except that it looks pretty and has been at the bottom of any weight loss chart that I’ve designed, going back more than 15 years. Maybe I should wait for 199? That was the goal I had in my early 20’s after having my oldest son. But, it doesn’t look as pretty for some reason.

Maybe, one ritual at 220 and the other at 199? I’m not sure, i’ll have to wait and see how it feels when I hit those weights. For now, I have to keep working at it. 10 more pounds to go for the first number. And I’d like to hit it at the end of this weigh in challenge.

I also have a tattoo in mind once I hit one of these numbers. The Japanese symbol for ‘courage’.
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Labeling Emotions

Labeling emotions is a skill that I never developed as a child. When I was growing up, everything was labeled under their big umbrella terms: hate, love, fear, anger, happy, etc.

Since deciding to live in a Power Exchange relationship and to embrace Polyamorous love styles, it’s important to learn the emotions that are nuances of the bigger umbrella emotions. This takes skill and time and dedication.

Why do I bring this up? Because after all these years, it would be nice to be better at this. I had a moment just before my weekend conference where I was triggered with a feeling and the only thing I could think to label it as was ‘hurt’. But, even when I was writing the person about how I was feeling, I had to put a question mark after ‘hurt’...and then wondered through typing, if it was actually ‘jealousy’ or ‘envy’, but had to put question marks after those as well.

It wasn’t until attending a workshop on Saturday at the Winter Wickedness event here in Columbus, OH that I discovered a word that felt better. It was a poly workshop by Cunning Mynx and someone brought up the word, ‘insecure’. Hah! That’s what the label was that I was looking for!

And this is why labels in general can be beneficial tools for me. Now that I know what it is, I can work on demantleing it, breaking it apart. ‘Hurt’?, ‘Jealous’?, and ‘Envious’? I can’t work with, because they have question marks. Insecure, I can work with logically, which helps me work through it emotionally at some point.

Yeah for workshops!
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Communication Skills in Relationships

Usually, as i stated before, my ‘aha’ moments come from when i disagree with something that someone has written. i get this feeling of disagreement, but then i have to look at myself and my beliefs to get to the point of the feelings. Well, this time, i read this and went, “oh, that’s what’s going on!”.

Here is the writing that started my thinking on this topic……. (more of my thoughts follow the writing from the book that I share below)

Love in Abundance: A counselor’s Advice on Open Relationships
By Kathy Labriola


According to Kathy…..

“usually an individual is trying to achieve one of these five goals through a particular communication:

1) To make a connection with your partner, to create closeness and intimacy:
a. “I’m happy to see you”, “How was your day today?”
2) To tell a story or give a partner information.
a. “My mom called and she is going to come by tomorrow”, “I ran into my friend Jan and she is pregnant”
3) To ask for support or comfort
a. “I had a headache today and it was rough getting through work”, “I feel sad because you snapped at me today and I’d really like to know that things are ok between us.”
4) To solve a problem together.
a. “We got a letter from the IRS today and I need your help to figure out where I miscalculated”, “You mother wants us to come by for Thanksgiving and I don’t want to go and don’t know how to get out of it”
5) To make a decision together.
a. “What color should we paint the kitchen”


It can be extremely useful to think about what the purpose of your communication is before starting the conversation with your partner and communicate that goal to your partner. For instance, if you are just giving information or relating a story because you want to connect, they are much more likely to cooperate with that goal and not derail you by trying to solve a problem or make a decision, and you are both likely to be more satisfied with the conversation.

Because we are so influenced by our gender training and socialization, men and women often have different goals for communication. Women, who are strongly socialized to value relationships and connection, are more likely to communicate to achieve the first three goals: create intimacy or feel connected, tell a story, or ask for support or comfort. Men, trained to analyze, to compete, and to “fix things”, are more likely to see most communication as an attempt to solve problems or come to a decision. It is dangerous to make gross generalizations based on gender, as of course not all women and all men communicate in these stereotypical ways. However, a significant percentage of women do tend to be focused on communication goals, and men tend to focus on technical and practical goals. “

….so, example given in book ….

“For instance, the woman in a couple may be talking about an unpleasant interaction with her boss at work that day, as a way of asking for nurturing and support from her partner. Instead, he interprets it as a problem to be solved, and makes numerous suggestions on how she could have handled the situation with her boss differently in order to create a more positive outcome. She feels invalidated, criticized, and defensive, and he is baffled and hurt because his sensible advice and attempts to help are being rejected.

Conversely, a man may talk about feeling dissatisfied with his job as a way of getting input from his partner about whether to stay at this job as a way of getting input from his partner about whether to stay at this job or look for another job. He wants help in weighing the various factors in order to make a decision, but she things he just wants to vent and get support, so she praises him for his hard work and skills and tells him how much she loves him, and asks him to share his feelings about his work. He is frustrated because she is derailing him from his focus on decision-making. She feels hurt because he doesn’t appreciate her support. “

So...

Master and i have been having conversations lately that fall into these categories and it’s helping me see what is going on . Usually, we are really good with stating up front whether this is something we just need to talk about, or if we are looking for advice. Recently, we had a conversation in the car and i went into fix-it mode. He stopped me and said that he was only sharing, there was nothing to fix.

It’s funny, because at first i just listened and had nothing to say, and then talked myself into offering advice because i had nothing else to say and figured that’s the type of response he’d want from me, after all, as a slave isn’t it my job to make life easier for my Master? As His wife and friend, shouldn't i try to help? That’s what i thought I was doing, helping Him through a process. He wasn't happy about it. I didn’t follow my intuition on that one. Damn.

We’ve also had conversations recently where I’ve been looking for advice and he’s just listened, thinking that’s what I needed. I like it when he tries to help me. To me, it shows my Master cares. I also like it when I’m just venting and remember to say up front that I’m just sharing because I need to hear myself think.

That’s the trick though, to know what we want before communicating so that we get what we need from the other party. Like most things though, it’s easier said than done though.

After 15 years of being with Master Dan, I'm still learning how to communicate. As we learn about each other, and change over time, it's a continuous learning process. And now that I'm dating someone else (or maybe two), and have another slave in the family....I'm learning how to communicate with others of different styles.....all this stuff that I'm reading can come in handy....


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