Feb 2017

I want to 'Retire' from Corporate America

I love to present, produce events, manage a community center, write books, and teach. I love to research and design classes and articles. I love to take care of my husband and house. I want to do these things again and I’d really like to do it before I officially retire in 15 years.

But, how? The stuff that I love to do doesn’t make money. I could probably figure out how to have it make money, but then it would be a job and I’ve always resisted that thought. Though, I did try it for 6 years and we made a little bit of money. We were able to do it then, before buying the house and having to pay back my student loans and surgery loans. Now, it’s much harder to figure out how to get me out of the work force.

But, oh how I love to travel and to teach. I have no time to write the books that are in my head. I have no time to research and design classes that I’d like to teach. I have no time to teach as much Reiki as I’d like to. I have no time to be the Qadishtu that I want to be. So, many ideas and projects need my loving attention.

I had hoped to become an alternative lifestyle counselor. That didn’t work. People didn’t want to pay me for my services. Because I co-host a podcast and present, everyone expects my time to be for free.
I want to do more weddings. No time. I love designing weddings and rituals.

One problem is, I don’t want to put this out in the Universe with too much force, because I could cause negative things to happen, for me to get what I want. So, I put out there now, that for any of this to happen, it must harm none. 
There are days that I really wish I could get out of corporate America again, and do what it is that I really love to do.

Vulnerability - possible trigger warning

Watching a Ted Talk on vulnerability.
I know allowing vulnerability is the key to loving and living fully. And I teach this concept. But, it’s hard for me to embrace in my own life. When I do though, life is so fulfilling.

But, I numb vulnerability. I don’t mean to. If falls into the category of protecting myself.

As she says though, we can’t selectively numb specific emotions. When we numb anger and fear and other ‘negative’ emotions…..we numb them all….joy, happiness, etc. I’ve known this for a very long time. As a matter of fact, the first counselor I ever went to, is because I wanted to learn how not to be numb. My childhood trauma was so ….well….traumatic…that protecting myself seemed top priority.

And oh my God…what if someone starts to like me? That’s scary in and of itself. Why? Because then there are expectations. Rules of engagement. I don’t like expectations of me in a relationship. That’s triggering to the abuse.

Someone wrote me today and asked how I overcame my dislike of being hugged by strangers. I had to tell her that I’ve never really completely overcame this. I mean, why should I hug someone just because
they want me to? The consensus is, because it will hurt their feelings. Well, this was part of the ploy used on me as a kid. As random men touched me inappropriately, from my older brother to the drunks my parents hung out with, to the friend of said brother, to my father himself…..it was on me not to make them get their feelings hurt. What a crock……

Regardless, that’s a little of my story as to why it’s hard for me to be vulnerable.

But, I do find that those moments when I can open myself up and share some of my messy bits, or even some of my light……those are the most fulfilling.

I want to live with my whole heart. I want to feel worthy of loving and belonging.