Jan 2017

Built like a tree

I know I shouldn’t be complaining. I know this. And I’m glad I’m healthy. And I know I’ll get used to the new shape of me. But, some moments are easier than others.

On Saturday we had a class to teach on flirting. I just couldn’t find anything to wear. Everything that I tried on, that would have looked ok before, now looked dumpy. I kept trying on skirts and they just hung on me. So, I ended up putting on a tight pair of leggings and a purple sweater with my tall boots. That ended up looking hot! …but I’ve been a skirt girl since joining this power exchange relationship. That’s actually part of our dynamic.

He’s ok with the pants. I’m the one having an issue.

My friend says I’ll find skirts that I enjoy again. I don’t know about that.

The doc says my body is going to shift a little over the next couple of months, so not to worry about it. I’m trying.

I NEED to feel confident at the moment. I NEED to feel sexy. Clothes help that happen for some dumb reason.

Why do I need this? Because otherwise I’m going to feel like I wasted money with this surgery.

The other part? I’ve been hoping the removal of my ‘apron’ would help me feel sexier and more confident. I want to experience more play, more people, more relationships, more sex. If I feel more sexy and confident, this is more likely to happen.

It also has to do with getting ready to turn 50. Not so sure why. 
Oddly enough, I’m having a hard time adjusting to my body in clothes. Other people say I’m looking hot, including my husband, boyfriend, girlfriend and someone else that I’m interested in……but I see myself as a curveless tree. My broad shoulders are now very noticeable again, now that I don’t have hips that are wider than they are. I’m a tree.

Post Op - 7 weeks

And that’s pretty much what I did. Now, though I’m still stiff and numb and sore; I’m at work full-time, I’m driving, I can reach things on the floor and am healing pretty well. I still can’t lay down in bed or sit up in bed without rolling to my side. I hurt myself when I sneeze. It’s hard to get in and out of the car. I can’t lift things. But, all in all, things are going well.

I do have a hole in my side. I ended up with a hot spot and nothing we were doing was working. So, the doc cut a 2 inch slit in my side and packed it with gauze. That seems to have done the trick, but he doesn’t want to sew it shut. I have to pack it for the next couple of weeks until it heals from the inside out. That’s a bit frustrating because it means I can’t start exercising yet. But, that’s ok, I probably shouldn’t be anyway.

It was kind of neat to come to work where people hadn’t seen me since before the surgery. It is a major difference. I like seeing the shocked look.

You know, for someone that used to not turn on their turn signal when she first started driving because it meant that people would notice her, I’ve really come a long way. I like to be noticed now. I like being the center of attention as long as it’s not for negative reasons. I don’t camouflage so well anymore. I don’t feel the need. Huh, that’s part of the reason why I felt I was ready for this surgery. When you do things like this, you need to be ready to be noticed.

I’m looking forward to going to Kinky & Geeky on Friday night. I plan on dressing sexy even though I can’t do any naughty play. Well, nothing too physical anyway.

I can’t wait until Winter Wickedness, where it will be the first time some people see me since the surgery. I assume I will be the center of attention for a little while, and plan to dress to empress.

I just wrote my friend that had this surgery about 6 years ago. I can see why she likes to dress up at events now. Just looking at all the stuff I can wear has me excited. It’s going to be so much fun to put together outfits. Things I could only dream about before.

Though, I have a different problem now…..i’m top heavy. Which means I have to totally change the way I dress. It used to be short shirts with flowy skirts, and long shirts with pants. Now I can wear short shirts with pants……but haven’t quite figured out how to wear skirts yet, and skirts used to be my staple. Today I wore a knee length skirt, leggings, knee hi boots and a baggy sweater. The bagginess is to cover the tire that I’ve always had since the weight loss, under my boobs, which is now more prominent because of the slimmer hips. It’s a little frumpy looking. I’d hate to give up my skirts. 
Wow….hard to believe I’m coming up on 7 weeks post op. I can remember being a few days before the operation and being nervous because it was a major surgery, and being nervous because of recovery time, but also recognizing that time would zip by and all I needed to do was hold on and wait.


Post Op - Tried on a tight shirt for the first time

I’ve been wearing baggie nightshirts for the last 3 weeks, since surgery. With the drains in, it’s hard to wear anything else.

Sometimes I put on pants so that that I go out for a walk, trying to build my stamina.

Well, I’m currently wearing pants, and decided to try on a tshirt that is tighter. I almost cried. Wow. What a difference. It took me by surprise, the difference. Wow. Amazing.

I’m calling the doc tomorrow to see what is needed to get these drains out.

And I’m hoping I can sleep tonight. That’s my biggest concern at the moment. Other than the drains. I havent’ been able to sleep well the last couple of night. Everything is sore and hurts. The incision feels like a steel vice grip around my hips.


Surgery post op 23 days

Post Op - Day 23

(small trigger alert)

I’m working through my frustration at still having these 2 drains in. I thought all 4 would be out by day 10. The first 2 were, but these last 2 are hanging in. I know it’s for my own good, since they are still draining, but it’s frustrating. I want to try on some clothes that I’ve never been able to get into before.

I’ve been posting pics from 10 years ago, from when I used to dress up in costumes (LARPing)…and I still have those costumes. I want to try them on and take some before/after pics. That is what will make this surgery and it’s results more real.

I did have someone suggest that I go to a psychologist and make sure that I’m in a happy place with the results of this surgery. It actually makes sense. I know more than a couple of people that have gained weight back after surgery like this. This surgery was too expensive for me to allow that to happen.

But, it could. I got this large for a reason. And the first time I lost a significant amount of weight and someone made a positive comment on how great I looked, I gained it all back, plus more.

Why? Because of a simple comment made by my perp as a child….’if you weren’t so pretty, I just can’t help myself’. So, my weight was my protection against guys that ‘couldn’t help themselves’. I know that that is all horseshit….and it’s not my fault that they molested me……but I can guarantee that that is what my head thought when it came to me gaining weight and not being able to get it off and keep it off.

But, now I have. Almost 100 pounds off. And I’m excited to see what I’m going to look like in sexy clothes.

If I could just get these 2 drains out.

I wish I was younger to enjoy this though. I’ll be 50 this year. But, better now than never.