Jul 2014

Name chosen

I was reading and reading, checking out sanskrit, pali and summerian words. When i left off a couple of days ago, my search screens were open to parvati. i love the concept of parvati, submissive to her godly husband but also his rock. So, i started digging and came up with about 20 more words.

But, one that really jumped out at me was ‘
Kamala’.

It could be partly due to the fact that i’ve been reading the ‘Dark Tower’ by Stephen King and there is a song in there about ‘Kamala’, though i did find out that they spell it ‘Camala’. i like the ‘K’ spelling of it though.

And the more i researched her, the more i liked what i read. i also couldn’t believe that i have come across her name before in the book ‘Siddhartha’. And after re-reading that chapter, i can see why her name and archetypal energy really speak to me.



gaja-lakshmi-goddess-of-wealth-CJ16_l




Here is what i’ve put together, the pieces that speak to me and that i’ll embrace by taking on her name:

- Hindu Goddess who manages spirituality, love, passion, pleasure, relationships, self-love and sexuality.

- Symbolizes good humor, optimism, confidence, clear-thinking, wide horizons, wisdom, spontaneity, and authenticity

- Courtesan that taught Siddhartha the ways of love-making

- Siddharthas strength is equaled by the strength of her love

- Siddhartha is admiring and authoritative at the same time

- Kamala equals the ‘Lotus Goddess of Delight’

- Kamala is a form of Shakti energy

- Kamala is seen as part of Parvati

- Parvati is seen as the submissive, obedient wife and helpmate of Shiva, the shakta’s see her as his equal with different strengths

- Parvati’s story with Shiva is about merging with the Divine

- Each of Parvati’s manifested forms (of which Kamala is one) made Shiva realize essential truths, made him aware of the truth of their eternal love

- Kamala is also seen as another version of Lakshmi, though unlike Lashmi she isn’t associated with normal wifely or social norms

- Kamala is one of the 10 Wisdom Goddess. A very power goddess in her own right, able to stand on her own.

- It is their power that pervades the Gods, and enables them to perform their cosmic functions

- The Gods support the Mahavidyas (Wisdom Goddesses)

- Kamala is the pure creative force, the power to create beauty and wealth around us, and to see the beauty in everything.

- She is a powerful Tantric Goddess.

- Kamala teaches us that when we commit ourselves to the spiritual path, as we move farther along we begin to see beauty all around us

- Kamala is of spiritual progress. With her help, we learn to drop the drama of everyday life, and release the bitterness towards those that have harmed us or bruised our egos

- She helps us see the god/dess in everything and everyone

- She is the spirit of nature itself, and is manifest in the natural world.

- By recognizing her beauty in the natural world all around us, we also move further down the path of the sadhaka, the spiritual practitioner who communes with God in every moment, and offers every action to the Divine Mother as worship, remaining detached from the fruits of action and enjoying the acts of service, generosity and prayer for their own sake.

- She is the spirit of giving, not of taking. She is the spirit of receiving graciously and gratefully, not of greed.

- Kamala as lotus goddess also represents developement of the person by maintaining the dharma of keeping the seven chakras open.

- She is very sattvic like Venus or Aphrodite

- She is the Light Goddess and likes fine and sattvic things and actions like charity.

- She gives peace, prosperity and pleasure, and moksha.

- In epistemological and psychological sense, moksha connotes freedom, self-realization and self-knowledge.

-
The Hindu ‘lotus girl’ of pleasure promotes ongoing faithfulness in our relationships inspired by mutual enjoyment and an abundance of love.

- Kamala also makes us aware of the spiritual dimensions in our physical exchanges that sometimes get overlooked.


kamala


Symbols - lotus, yellow objects

We can workshop Kamala simply by spending time in nature and appreciating its profound beauty, and also by beings stewards of the earth.

Anything that includes cinnamon, garlic or saffron is a good alternative choice, as these items bear Kamala’s lusty energy.

To improve your ability to give and receive love, including self-love, wear yellow-colored clothing today, especially an item that is worn near the heart chakra (a blouse, shirt, tie, bra or perhaps a gold necklace or tie back). As you don that item, say,

‘Let pleasure flow freely from my heart;
Kamala, abide there - your love impart.’

Wear this piece of clothing or jewelry again anytime you enact spells or rituals focused on sexuality or relationships.

** the trick is to remember to embrace her name as a verb, instead of a noun **



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What's in a name? (pt 2)



turtle-jesse-acosta

As I was meditating this morning, I looked up, saw my phoenix print that Master had made for me, on my altar. It matches the tattoo on my back. Funny thing is, when I saw the print, I also saw my face in place of its face, and me wearing the wings. With that, more words started floating through my head as potential names for me.

Dawn Thunderbird

Butterfly

Scarlet

Panther

Turtle (Strength)

Wings

Flaming Wings

Dragon

Fairy

Fire Dancer

Chakra

Lotus





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What's in a name?



illimangel


Recently, I’ve been challenged to come up with a new name. Master has created a new facebook account under a new name, and if I want to continue to have my vanilla facebook page be vanilla, so that I can keep in contact with family…I need to come up with a new name as well. This will also make it possible for people to tag me along with his new name. And I’ll be able to join some of the groups that I’ve put off from joining with my vanilla account.
 
I’m having 2 problems with coming up with a name. First of all, I’ve already been through this challenge. It was back in 2002 or so and took a lot of meditation and journeys to come up with Earthsong. I can’t use that for a facebook name where I can join the groups I want to join, because that name is attached to the clergy work I do. I have other names, but Master doesn’t want me to use the other 2 that attach me to Him. Dansarani and belet dawn. Even though both of them are perfect for me, which is why I keep them. Though, I totally understand His reasoning and am glad that He voiced it.
 
So, what name would mean ‘dawn completely’? A name that would include my priestess, slave, poly, spiritual, Leather, Bodhisatva, Buddhist flavored, healer, survivor, witch, muse, qadishtu, ethical, loyal, expansive, lovingcompl and sexual self? I’ve thought of a couple of things. He’s helped me with a couple of ideas. But, nothing seems to fit.
 
Dawn Completely
Dawn Qadishtu
Surprisingly, Qadishtu doesn’t show up in any Sumerian list of words that I can find. But, the following do….and they are kind of descriptive of me:
Danuum – strong
Melammu –  bright - awe= inspiring luminosity (sounds egotistical, but the message from my guided meditation says I should be looking at this)
Guruvash – servant
Ki or gi – earth
Yyr – song
Girru – fire
Ilati – Goddess
Arammu – love
Nabu – seer
Mudi – oracle reader
Gibil – one of fire
Bau – healer
Hawk
Kwin Yin
Freya
Phoenix
Samani (pali) – priestess
Anunam (pali) – completely
Abhinibbatta – reborn
Pujaniya – sacred
Ana (Sumerian) – for the purpose of
Rajaseva (pali) - service
Seva (pali) – service
Sarasvati – Hindu muse (illumination)
Parvati – give up what she desired most to help someone in need, submissive wife
 
So far, I’m liking…….
Dawn SevaSamani   (Dawn Service Priestess)
Dawn Melammu  (Dawn Inspiring luminosity)
Dawn Anunam (Dawn completely)

Dawn SevaSamaniMelammu (service priestess inspiring luminosity)

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Busy

Part of me is having a hard time coming up with something to write about tonight....the other part of me has a lot of topics running through her head. Some of them are ‘coming up with a new name so that i can attach my Facebook to my husbands new Facebook name’, ‘wanting to walk another half marathon’. ‘not stepping on the scale’, ‘putting on a poly event’.......

So, what to talk about?

It must be quick, I should have been in bed two hours ago. Went to bed late last night as well. Why? Probably because I’m trying to do too much. But, I’m feeling productive.

Last night, I opened the Columbus Insight Center, left the recovery group there to meet on their own for an hour, while I went grocery shopping. Then, I went back, locked up the space and then went home to cook. I prepped 2 crockpots of food for the week, buffalo chicken and turkey chili, along with a breakfast quiche. That should last us for the week.

I also did a couple loads of laundry, packed for the next day, and got some Beyond the Leather work done.

Tonight, I opened the space for a Roundtable, left them to meet on their own, came home to help run a BTL staff meeting, then dropped off alex’s clothes at his place, went back to the space to close up, came home and did a couple loads of laundry, typed up notes from the meeting and posted them.

So, so many late nights, early mornings and more late nights.

I was excited today at the thought of another half marathon, then I was describing it to my husband, and this feeling of dread flowed through me. I’m not sure if it was his reaction of another scheduled weekend, or my own emotions at the idea of being away from home.

But, I need a goal and I’m afraid the goals I have aren’t working. I’ll keep thinking about it.

Hoping I don’t look like this at work in the morning....

tired_kid
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Monty Python


monty python

Yesterday was such a wonderful experience. We were able to see Monty Python on stage....via satellite. Not that same as live, but probably a better view than any ticket we would have been able to afford in person, plus plane ticket.

While we are watching the countdown, my stomach gets that butterfly feeling and I want to cry. Why so emotional? I have no clue, but the same thing happens when I see people in parades, or concerts, or anything like that. Is it the talent that I’m getting ready to witness? Is the memory of the times I’ve laughed watching them? Is it the thought that this may be the last time they are together? They’ve already lost one member of the team and neither of them are younger than 71 years old. I don’t know, I just know that I’m super excited.

I did end up crying during the viewing. There were moments that just showed how old they are. Other moments where I was crying because I was laughing so hard. And moments that were just touching. Sometimes that feels good, to be in touch with my emotions on such a level, and them not get out of control.


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Positive Thinking in Poly



think-positive


From ‘Daily Om - As Blessed As You Want to Be’ - 10/11/13
‘Positive thinking dramatically increases your
chances of success in any endeavor. When you’re sure that you are worthy and that achievement is within your grasp, you start to relax and look for solutions rather than dwelling on problems. You are more likely to imagine positive situations or outcomes and disregard the thoughts related to giving up, failure, or roadblocks. What the mind expects, it finds. If you anticipate joy, good health, happiness, and accomplishment, then you will experience each one. Thinking positively may sound like a simple shift in attention – and it is – but it is a mind-set that must be developed. Whenever a negative thought enters your mind, try immediately replacing it with a constructive or optimistic one. With persistence, you can condition your mind to judge fleeting, self- defeating thoughts as inconsequential and dismiss them.’

This is part of an email that gets delivered to my email daily; the Daily Om. And I kept this one because it really spoke to me in so many ways.

Positive thinking....I’ve been told many times over the years, as I’ve tried to pull myself from the Dark Night of the Soul that I was experiencing, that it just a matter of changing my mind to be positive. That suggestion really pissed me off. I was going through the most horrendous time of my life, not counting the sexual abuse as a child, and the person I had gone to for help, told me to change my mind and be positive. I literally wanted to punch them, except that it would take too much energy on my part, and I would rather have gone to bed, if the truth be told.

During that time in my life, I was too deep in the black hole to just change my mind and be ok. I got professional help on the order of my Master/husband. I learned more tools. It took awhile, but slowly I pulled out of the spiral.

That was a few years back. Since then I’ve put some of those tools to work, and believe it or not, positive thinking (manual mode) has been one of the tools that I rely on heavily, and I usually use it with another tool, a mantra.

When my husband and I were going through a rough time in our poly dynamic, we both needed to learn some skills, a mantra was my saving grace. Then, when I learned about ‘manual mode’, I used the mantra to start me off in a private positive thinking mode to pull me out of whatever triggered me. That’s a great way to use positive thinking and I teach it to many as a tool for poly and for power exchange dynamics. I guess it could be used in a regular relationship, but I don’t have much experience with that, simply because my vanilla partners weren’t interested in personal growth. It’s only been the alternative relationships that have been interested in that.

There are a couple of ways positive thinking can be beneficial when it comes to relationships then. With my husband, if I was triggered, I taught myself the mantra, ‘Love, Trust, Faith’. I loved him and knew that he loved me. I trusted him completely. I had Faith that we would succeed and that the Universe had put us together as partners for a reason. That mantra allowed me to breathe and to line up my emotions so that I could think clearly instead of in a negative, triggered state. Positive Thinking.

The other way it’s beneficial is that the longer you live with positive experiences with positive thinking, the more positive things happen. Specifically in poly, I find that the more I experience, the more confident I am. The more I relax. The more I’m ok with the outcome, regardless of what it may be, because I know I’ll be ok. The more positive I am, the more expansive I am. People feel that and are drawn towards it.

I believe that is what allowed my secondary relationship to happen. We started off with a big mis-understanding right off the bat and I believe it’s because I kept a positive attitude about it that it worked out. If I had been negative, I would have walked away, not believing I deserved a positive outcome.

I like being in that positive state. It brings such opportunities and blessings.

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Turn Towards the Problem

This article was sent to my mailbox, and I found it interesting....so though I didn’t write it, I did comment after most lines.


problems



Turn Toward the Problem
By Leo Babauta

Much of our lives is spent trying to ignore problems, not wanting to deal with them, procrastinating.

Bills are pushed to the side to deal with later.  (* I have a bill laying on my desk right now, that I keep looking past. No clue why. Avoiding, though I have the money.)

People we have troubles with are avoided. (* I have 3 of them in my life right now. Don’t want to deal with them and their issues, so I avoid them.)

Work we don’t want to do is put off while we browse the Internet. (*Browsing the internet while I’m supposed to be working is how I found this article.)

The diet is put off until tomorrow as we eat more junk. (*Old Dawn, not current Dawn.)

Our insecurities are not admitted because we don’t want to think about them. (*I don’t have any insecurities that I will admit to.)

This kind of avoidance, unfortunately, doesn’t work. We put these things off and the problems only fester and grow worse. Bills become late and interest racks up and eventually we’ll have to deal with the bills, but they’ll be much worse than if we’d only dealt with them immediately. Our work becomes late, our waistlines become bigger, our insecurities grow.

Not facing our problems isn’t the solution. (*On the surface we’ve convinced ourselves it works.)

Instead, let’s turn toward our problems. (*My shadows knees are knocking.)

This helped me when I was in debt and trying to avoid thinking about it — when I turned toward the debt, as scary as that was, I was able to deal with it. (*Currently attempting to do that.)

It helped me deal with clutter, which is another form of avoidance. Clutter is about putting off dealing with items by putting them aside, and then they pile on top of each other, waiting to be dealt with. (*I’m better with clutter, but my husband would disagree.)

Turning toward my weight issues allowed me to get healthier. (*This is what I’m working on now.)

Turning toward the problem of killing animals for the pleasure of food allowed me to change to a more compassionate vegan diet. (*I still like meat, don’t know that this will ever change. Not sure if that’s unfortunate or not.)

Turning toward my sedentary lifestyle helped me to get more active. (*I am here as well, and reaping fabulous results.)

It has helped my work, my relationships, my inner peace. (*Yes. Yes. And Yes.)

Turning toward a problem is scary as hell. That’s why we avoid it. But you can overcome that fear and do it anyway. You can look the problem directly in the face and open yourself up to it. Only then can you deal with it, and see that it’s not as scary as you think. Because by turning away from the problem, we give it power, and the fear of it rules our lives. (*Shadow gains power, until we turn the light on it.)

Let’s take away that power, and shine a little light on the problem. (*Huh, exactly what I just said.)

Allow ourselves to feel the pain, to feel the fear and still take action. (*This can be hard.)

To begin the healing. (*A long journey.)

To begin to create something new and amazing from the ills that have been hiding in the dark. (*This is the exciting part.)

Turn toward the problem and you turn it into something beautiful.




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Bodhisatva in Real Time

So, sometimes when I write about something, study, reflect on it...the Universe thinks it’s important for me to experience. I’ve been writing about Bodhisattva and the Bodhisattva Vow. Expansive compassion, helping others, etc.

Well, recently the Universe has been throwing at me all I can handle...and reminded me with a ranting Facebook private message, that I should be helping people. Three people alone today reached out for help, saying something along the lines of ‘I don’t know why I’m writing you, but it just seems right.’ And the Facebook rant said, basically, in my words....”I asked for help and answers from you months ago, you told me to talk to a professional because you didn’t have the answers, and I’ve been mad at you for not fixing me since then, and only telling you about it now.”

Fotolia_21891768_XS

So, I want to help these people that came to me today and over the last week or so.....but now i have to make sure that i’m doing it because i want to and because i have compassion for people, and not because i don’t want them to be pissed at me for not fixing them. Or do i? Does it matter why a Bodhisattva (apprentice) helps another person, or only that they do it? Is it more important to listen and help them fix their own problems, or do it for them so that they feel better? I don’t know that I’ve read the answer to that anywhere.

I personally feel that i’d rather help out of compassion. But, what i’m reading about Bodhisattva is that they help others regardless of the reasons.
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The Scale Addiction

The scale addictions is a real thing. Today i’ve been craving stepping on that little white box, which is my Wii platform, to hear it go ....’OH’, when i step on it. Then, to watch as my little mini mi blows up as it calculates my size....waiting to see what the magic number of the day is. Is it a ‘good’ number that i can be proud of? or a ‘bad’ number that i need to be ashamed of, regardless of all the good exercise i’ve done, and the great food choices i’ve made.

i’m on track with all my goals this 12 week period. Walking, Biking, Hiking, good food choices, meditating, personal trainer, no potatoes, less sugar......great choices. So, why do i need to see that number?

A friend of mine sent me an article that is aimed at personal trainers....explaining what can drive the scale number up even when their clients are doing the right thing. From eating something close to the time of weigh in, to water retention from hormones, to stress hormones holding onto chemicals from our food.....lots and lots of things can make that number on the white box fluctuate from 5 - 10 pounds. Amazing!

So, stay off the white box....and keep doing the right thing for getting fit.

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Hiking - being present (pt 2)

So, today we got to experience ‘being present’ in a much more natural atmosphere....a piece of the AT. 4 miles of hills, roots, rocks.....not able to really look around, because you had to be present to make sure you place your foot in the right spot. And where we started, the first 2 miles were straight up. Then, we turned around. I must say, thanks for my aluminum walking sticks. I couldn’t have made it over the rock tumbles and tree root steps without them!

The views were amazing!

And funny enough....after 2 days of hiking, I’m feeling great! Getting ready to go to bed, so not sure how I’ll feel on the car ride tomorrow. We’ll see.

Pictures to come!
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Hiking - Being Present

I found it interesting, how my thoughts were working today as we began our hike to a waterfall in the great Smokey Mountains. We were wanting to stop and do our half hour meditation there. We found the beginning of a little path, a stone to sit on and began the timer.

There is a saying, ‘meditate when it’s easy, meditate when it’s hard’. So many people walking by the entrance to our little hiding spot on their way up to the falls. So many talking. There is no way a bear could have snuck up on us while were were meditating, because of all the noise.

Thoughts running through my head included:
- How are they going to enjoy nature if they are so busy talking
- Don’t people know that hiking is about the meditative part of it
- Aren’t parents teaching their kids to enjoy the journey instead of the destination
- Did I let my kids talk so loud, making it impossible for others to enjoy nature
- Is anyone being present

Then, noticing all the questions and judgements in my head, I had to let them go. Once we were done meditating, I made sure to be present for my part of the hike. And really enjoyed the waterfalls and the rhododendrons and other beautiful sights. Watched Master climb rocks and we both had our picture taken behind the waterfall. It was a lot of fun, and very strenuous.

We are doing it again tomorrow!
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Submission

If anyone is actually reading this blog, you will notice that my posts jump all over the place. From reflecting about Qadishti, Weightloss, Walking, Bodhisattva, Oracle cards, and other random items...every now and then I also ramble about my power exchanges experiences....in my case at this moment, submission.
submissiveness_by_glamurosa666-d4qo8wg
I usually reflect on topics like this in my personal journal, but can’t think of any reason not to share it on here.

I only wanted to mention it because in the last 2 weeks, I’ve had 2 different people tell me that they are interested in me, because of my acceptance of my desire to submit and serve. They don’t want to own me. They understand I am owned and respect the relationship that Master and I have. But, they want to taste what i have to offer. And being in a poly relationship allows me to explore these ‘tasting’ opportunities.

One person in my life is truly enjoying my submissive tendencies, though he is only interested in it from a bedroom perspective and won’t let me serve him (huh, something else to blog about). He likes that i like pain and trust him enough to let him try some things that he used to be able to do with a previous partner, but his wife is totally not into.

The next person, wrote me recently to let me know that the fact that i embrace my submissive/slave side, totally turns him on and he wants to explore that with me. He wants to taste it. He said thinking about experiencing a piece of that energy himself, well....what he said it does to him, i will leave for the personal journal.

My submissiveness nature, is being found as something that is hot. I’m not used to that. It’s been mentioned that the slutty side of me is seen as hot, not the submissive side though. I’m going to sit with this for awhile.
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No Scale

I’m going to give the Bodhisatva writings a rest for a moment.....not that I don’t still have stuff to write about it, but I’m looking at my list of writing topics and see that I have a lot that have built up over the last few months of not writing daily.

One thing that is on my mind today....is the fact that we started a new 12 week challenge yesterday, and I find that I’m having to work at overcoming an addiction. Food? well, yes and no. The main addiction that I have, is the number on the scale and weighing myself to see what it is. I know that I’ve used this as a took for judging myself for a long time. What number will I be today? Should I feel great about myself, or beat myself up?

Well, my goal right now, is not about losing weight per se, but in getting in better shape. It’s not even about health, because so far my health is fine. It’s about being able to walk up stairs and running if I ever had to, and doing fun things.

So, if the goal isn’t losing weight, yet I’m on the scale once sometimes twice a day....then I’m not focusing on the right goals. The goals of tracking my food and getting in my exercise and meditation. If my numbers are or aren’t moving, I can use them as an excuse to not focus on what is important in my fitness plan.


no_scale



This means that I bit the bullet and no weighing in for 12 weeks. Though, I do get a chance to modify my goals after 4 weeks of the challenge, which means I could weigh myself then and also decide if that is how i want to finish out the rest of the 12 weeks.

Today, I’ve had the chance to weigh myself 3 times at 3 different places. It’s hard not to give in and I’m only on day 2. Well, really day 1 because we weighed in yesterday for our last day of the last 12 challenge.

I have to remember that it’s just a habit, not an addiction. Though, I could be wrong with that, we’ll see.

I spoke of it on Facebook and Sarah Sloane asked me what I was doing to refocus the energy when the urge struck. I told her that I’m breathing. She responded with ‘breathe and reframe’. Good idea.

Now, I have to concentrate on the goals I did give myself.....

1) Don't weigh self for 12 weeks

2) 78 days recording food/calories in 'My Fitness Pal' app

2a) cut out potatoes/rice
2b) cut out added sugar
2c) cut down on processed foods

3) 67 days exercise (every 5 days earns me 1 day off, starting with 1 day off in the bank)
3a) personal trainer twice a week

3b) 84 miles walking in 84 days (keeping track on runkeeper)
3c) 84 miles biking in 84 days (keeping track on runkeeper)

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Bodhisattva (part 3)

Bodhisattva (part 3)
 
From the same magazine article, is this statement:

“By taking the bodhisattva vow, we open ourselves to many demands. If we are asked for help, we should not refuse; if we are invited to be a parent, we should not refuse. In other words, we have to have some kind of interest in taking care of people, some appreciation of the phenomenal world and its occupants. It is not an easy matter. It requires that we not be completely tired and put off by people’s heavy-handed neurosis, ego-dirt, ego-puke, or ego-diarrhea; instead we are appreciative and willing to clean up for them. It is a sense of softness whereby we allow situations to take place in spite of little inconveniences; we allow situations to bother us, to overcrowd us.”

I’m still trying to figure this one out. We should not refuse help. If we are invited to be a parent, we should not refuse. ……also the idea that we should be willing to clean up peoples ‘ego-dirt, ego-puke or ego-diarrhea or heavy-handed neurosis’….again, I’m not sure I get the benefit of cleaning up behind people. Or exactly what that means.

As someone that used to allow themselves to be walking over, used and abused, it sounds like it’s asking me to do the same. It sounds like when Amanda in Chicago, told me that to be a Priestess, meant that I should go back home and attempt to heal my main perp. I just don’t understand why I’m supposed to put myself in a position to clean up after others. How do they learn their life lessons if someone is always cleaning up after them?

This is the part of the vow that just doesn’t click for me. I would rather live in a way that others want to emulate. Show doors. Open eyes. Have compassion and show people they are valuable human beings. Not walk behind them with a broom as they shit on me. Because that is what it will feel like. Ego-dirt, Ego-puke, heavy-handed neurosis is all about drama. Why feed the drama?


Maybe I have this idea all wrong and am just not understanding what he’s trying to convey. But, at the moment, this idea feel icky and unhealthy. 

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Bodhisattva pt 2

Bodhisattva (part 2)

kwanyin


Actually, the idea of being a Bodhisattva is very scary and a little confusing for me. Scary, because to put others first and to feel what it is they need, means that I have to drop my walls. As an empathy, it’s less scary out there if my walls are up. I can deal with the emotions of people and the world on a more level playing field, when my walls are up. I’m more serene. Or so I think.

So, to drop my walls and feel others pain and suffering is terrifying actually. It taps into my pain and I think my pain feeds off of it. Once that spiral has started, it’s hard to pull me out of it. Or at least it has been in the past.

Maybe my luminous self is telling me that that spiral isn’t necessarily going to happen this time and I’m stronger than I think I am. To me, it takes strength to help others in a way that is not about stroking my own ego. Strength, because it is about putting others first. Or maybe not strength, but faith. Or a combination.

Example…..it’s easier to ignore a beggar on the street. It takes strength to look them in the eye and hand them a dollar. When I do this, I feel a surge of adrenaline, so it’s definitely a fear that I’m overcoming which takes strength to move through.

Another thought…..I feel I already somewhat walk the path of the Bodhisattva. We don’t charge for our workshops….we share openly on the podcast, in our books, in our writings, with those we mentor, with our partners, with anyone that asks…..we don’t walk this path as a way to pay our bills……we create places for people to feel empowered with their life choices…..we show doors to people and allow them to walk through if they desire, even holding hands for a few. We give of ourselves because it feels good to help others.

Well actually I have to look at that statement…..’it feels good to help others’. Not always. I’m glad I can help, but sometimes, if I speak honestly, it’s a pain. I reached out to someone last night because it felt they were in pain, but my husband had to remind me of the Bodhisattva path. Why? Because they were texting me while I was playing a video game with my husband. I’m glad they were able to reach out, and proud that they reach out and honored that they felt comfortable enough to reach out to me….but I also wanted to relax and play the game. I did text her back and give her the option to call me. That felt more like the ‘middle way’ and made me feel good. I hope it made her feel good as well.

It made me think of something that has always concerned me about putting others first…. where do you draw the line of taking care of yourself and helping others in bigger moments? From what I’m reading, you don’t take care of yourself. Others always come first. This is where I have an issue.

One of the first things taught to me on my recovery path was that I had to take care of myself before I could take care of others. Is this still true? I see some people work themselves to the bone, just to help other people. They get no enjoyment out of life because they are always tired and don’t do things to replenish themselves. This part is scary to me. I never knew how to take care of myself and am still learning how to do that. I don’t want to give that part of my adventure up.
*more to come*

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Bodhisattva

Over the weekend, it was spoken to me that Dan and i are bodhisattva's. Then the person asked me if I knew what that was. I told him I did and 'thank you'. 

That simple statement impacted me profoundly and the idea has been stuck in my head. i know we help people, and I know that I did a 'share' at the open sangha about the bodhisattva vow and what is involved. 

I was concerned when my husband brought up the idea of taking the Bodhisattva vow a couple of years ago. Though, I wish he had finished the conversation instead of shutting me out when I doubted that taking the Bodhisattva vow was a wise step. I mean, how can you take a vow to help absolutely everyone that comes to you? 

This word has resenated with me for a long time though. And actually, it's a very scary step. To always put someone before yourself, can be very challenging. We have run across people that need more help than we can possibly give them. How do you account for this? We have people that need our assistance so much so, that it becomes an addiction. 

So, I read the following article by Chogram Trungpa (http://www.shambhalasun.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=3001) .....and he answers a couple of these questions and validates a couple of thoughts of mine. 

Taking the bodhisattva vow implies that instead of holding our own individual territory and defending it tooth and nail, we become open to the world that we are living in.  * Scary *

It means we are willing to take on greater responsibility, immense responsibility. * I feel I already do this, so not so scary *

Real commitment based on the realization of the suffering and confusion of oneself and others. * Resonates deeply *

We are not going to be instigators of further chaos and misery * Makes perfect sense *

No longer try to build up our grandiosity, by sharing little truths to build credentials * Humble *

Giving up privacy and developing a sense of greater vision * This we are already good at. i’ve always believed that my story happened for a reason. So, I share. *

Contribute something to the world through our own gentleness * Yes *

****and there is more in the article that i want to contemplate.

The word....the feeling....to walk the same path as Kwan Yin.....I know that I will probably never get to that level of enlightenment. I don’t know that my goal is enlightenment or ever has been. My goal is to help others in the way that i can. That is sharing my story, sharing tools that have helped me to help others. Compassion and love.

It will still be hard for me at times, I’m sure. My guess is that is like some of the other decisions that i’ve made over the years. And sometimes they involve going back to step one and having the intention to follow the path of the healer.

Is the path of the Bodhisattva the illuminated me that came to me in the meditation? I don’t know....but I’m sure I’ll be thinking about that for awhile.
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