Jul 2016

I am a slut. What does that mean?

What does being a ‘slut’ mean to me?
 
This is a hard one ….or so I think.
 
It shouldn’t be hard. This is a word/label that I’ve identified as for a very long time. Well, since being with Dan and embracing my sexuality. And that’s what it means to me, embracing my sexuality and being comfortable in my skin. Liking sex. Liking sexual energy. Not feeling shame or guild about my sexuality.
I also believe you can be slutty and not have a partner. I can be slutty with myself…and I usually am.
 
But, I talked with a girl over the weekend from Chicago….someone we have met before, and she self-identifies as a slut. When she described what it meant to her, she used a lot of the same philosophy, but she also threw in the word, ‘quickly’. She ‘quickly’ decides if she wants to have sex with someone, and then does. Dan and I looked at each other across the table and both agreed that even though we self-identify as ‘sluts’, neither of us are quick about it.
 
I love sex. I love most things to do with sex. I embrace the fact that I’m a sexual being. I love sex with different people. A lot of my life is about sex; presentations, workshops, intensives, podcasts, kinkstarter cards, books, etc. Yet, I’m not quick at all. I won’t just fuck anyone. There are many times that I wish I was much quicker with wanting to fuck someone. But, so far that isn’t my track record.
 
After talking to her, I actually found that I was turned off by how quick she says she can decide and follow through with fucking someone. There was a guy at the dinner that she was making plans with for that evening. They had just met. I just don’t work that fast. I love sex, but need to get to know the person first, unless it’s someone that Dan has set me up with.
 
Huh, actually, I take that back. I have met someone before online, gone out to dinner and taken to a hotel room right away. Freaked him out and then he couldn’t perform. He left really quick. So, the one time I decided to follow through with it, it still didn’t happen.
 

So, yes, I self-identify as a slut. I don’t have many sexual hang-ups and I feel sex is a very important part of my life. If I have an issue with how fast I work at hooking up with someone, I just need to work on that. I’m flirting with someone now, and we’ve been on 2 dates with the express purpose of hooking up. I still haven’t put it together. I need to get moving on that, while he’s still willing. 
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What Does 'Service" Mean to me

I was challenged with writing about ‘what does service mean to me’. Then, I got a phone call explaining what they were really looking for, ‘what does service look like to me’.

So, there are two ways I can write about this. What does it look like when I give service, and what does it look like when service is given to me. Let’s see if they meet somewhere.

I’ve attempted to start this a couple of different ways, and then deleted them:
1)      The way I have served has changed over the years. Has it? Maybe, maybe not. Delete.
2)      I’m not a service person. Wait. Is this true? Maybe, maybe not. Delete.
 
For the most part, I don’t consider myself a service person. I don’t like to do dishes, I don’t like to clean, I don’t like to get peoples drinks. If I’m at a family member’s house and the women are in the kitchen cleaning up, I’d rather be in the living room, being part of the conversation.

Unless, I want to please someone and they enjoy service. Then, to me, it becomes a love language. Then, I like to do their dishes or set out their clothes or whatever the case may be. And if I can provide anticipatory service, all the better. My problem with anticipatory service is that I tend to guess wrong as to what the other person would really like, and that makes me not trust my instincts to try again. Or it makes me feel bossy. So, anticipatory service doesn’t happen much.

So, service from me can actually take a different form. If I don’t call because I know someone is busy, that is a form of service. Sending my Monday email, is a form of service. Though, it’s not a service that was asked for, so maybe it’s more of a gift than a service. Huh, most of the things I do are more gifts than forms of service.

Picking up someone’s daughter from school and bringing her home, that’s a form of service from me. Picking up something from the store, putting away chairs at your house. All forms of service, if they are wanted/needed.  

It’s gets confusing for me when I think of the little things I do as ‘service’ that weren’t asked for. So, are they really service?

For example, if we are at an event of power exchange people and someone automatically gets me a drink without me asking, or takes my plate away to the trash. Is that really service? To me, I don’t think it is. I haven’t asked for it. It may not be the type of drink I like, or I may not be done with my plate, or my Master may have told me specific directions about the drink or plate. To me, if someone does these things without asking, it’s more of a service to themselves, so that they feel like they are doing something. But, it’s not service to me. As a matter of fact, if my Master has given me specific directions and someone else comes along and does something out of the blue, it could actually be a dis-service because they are taking away my opportunities for service to my Master.

If I put away chairs after a meeting at someone’s house without asking, did I perform a service? What if they wanted them left out on purpose? Maybe they had another meeting, or had someone else picked out to specifically give that service? Now they have to pull the chairs back out, making more work. Or I’ve taken service away from someone. This doesn’t help make someone’s life easier.

So, is that someone ‘giving’ service? Part of me thinks this needs to be asked for instead of assumed that it’s a wanted service. In this instance, yes, a service, but unwanted.


So, ‘service’ to me involves putting someone else first. Someone else’s needs over my own. If my need is to pick up everyone’s dishes, regardless of whether they want it or not, it’s not really service.  

In the end, what does service mean to me? It means performing tasks (not necessarily chores, it could be as simple as not interrupting someone because I know that action makes them happy) that help make someone else’s life easier, or is just fun and are wanted.
 

Just my thoughts about service and what it means to me. I’m sure others have different responses. 
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A piece of leather leaves me dateless

So many things I could write about today….polyamory presentation to a power exchange group, keeping track of calories, bad back, Chinatown, play with a new girl, frustrated over some lack of communication, great conversation with some pears, and pokemon. So much to choose from. What will I pick?

Thinking…..thinking…..whoa, don’t go to sleep while thinking. Pick something fast and write about it.

OK….how about how hard it is for me to find someone else to date or build a relationship with, when I’m a collared slave.

Have I talked about that yet? I’m not sure. But, can’t hurt to write about it again.

First of all, I’m a collared slave. I am owned by my Master. Second, I’m poly. You’d be surprised how this works out, or doesn’t work out as the case may be. It’s actually hard for me to find anyone to date in the kink, leather or power exchange communities. Most people know that I’m owned and for some reason that keeps them from asking me out. For some, it’s because they know they will never be my primary owner, so why put in the energy. For others, it’s because they don’t want to deal with Dan, my owner. And others think that because I’m owned, I can’t truly be poly.

Then, there are those that are vanilla. Once they find that I’m in a power exchange relationship, they have a lot of questions, and many of them just get confused. What do you mean you are owned? What do you mean you are in a hierarchial relationship? What do you mean you have to ask permission? It’s just very confusing for them and they don’t want to invest the time.

So, I have challenges all the way around. Add to that that I’m an introvert and oh my, what a mess.

Luckily, I found someone that doesn’t care about the baggage of my collar. He knows what my relationship means, and doesn’t step on toes. But, he could also care less that we are ‘known’ and as long as he knows his limits with me, he’s a happy camper. Now, if only I could find others that were that confident.

I want to experience NRE again. I’ve experienced it twice in my life and would like to remember what it’s like. I can’t do that if people are scared? to date me, or won’t give me a chance because of the collar.

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Apology


Well, the work thing ended with her wanting to apologize to me. i said 'yes' but told my boss that i'd only do it with her there. That if it was an apology, great, but it didn't want it to turn into a discussion that would become a blame game. She understood. 

So, a meeting was scheduled. Then, postponed, rescheduled, postponed and rescheduled. Work stuff. 

Finally, i showed up to the meeting and my boss was already there. We waited on the woman that wanted to do the apology. She finally showed after us sitting there for about 10 minutes. She was smiley and bouncy and sat down. Said that she wasn't a violent person and i shouldn't have taken it that way. i sat and listened. She apologized. i listened. she didn't give me room to say anything. 

Then, she said again that i shouldn't have taken the 'strike 2' to be aggressive. i listened. no response. she started to say things that would poke me to respond, i didn't. She must have realized she was turning bully again, and back peddled a little, finishing with, 'well i just wanted to apologize and hope we can get back on even footing'. Then, she paused enough for me to say something at that point. 

i accepted her apology, graciously i think, and said thank you. But, that was it. 

She left. 

i turned to my boss and she asked me if that was acceptable. i said yes and that i would take it at face value and start a fresh relationship with her tomorrow. She said her and i would meet in a week and see how things were going. that's great with me. 

Now.....to me this was a personal success. Why? 

Because in the past, i would be so convinced that i had done something to deserve it or would have been so wanting to fix things that i would have taken the blame. In the past if someone had offered an apology like that (assuming i would have been courageous enough to tell anyone), i would have responded with 'oh it's ok', or 'oh, maybe i blew it out of proportion', or somehow i would have deflected the seriousness of it. i didn't do that this time. i let her make the apology and take away the realization that she had done something wrong. AND didn't let them put the blame on me. 


That's a huge step for me. 



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Worthy of Being Protected *trigger warning*

*Trigger Warning*

Sorry for the Trigger warning…but not knowing who is reading this and what their background may be, i thought i’d put it out there. i have childhood abuse issues. Though i try not to give details, some things are hard not to talk about and still give a full story. So, though i don’t recount the horror, there are pieces that could trigger your own stuff by reading this. Please be aware.

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It’s frustrating to realize that somethings that happen today, at the age of 49, still trigger fears from the past. Will it always be this way? Probably. At least I’m more aware of it now, but it’s still frustrating.

For example, at work. This woman there has been getting more and more passive/aggressive. So, much so that I started looking for other work. Twice I’ve had to stop conversations with her because of her aggressiveness. The first time I told her that the conversation was over. The second time I just told her ‘no’, when she started to raise her voice. This didn’t go over well. Not well at all.

She then sent me a message stating that that was strike 2. Now, I’m feeling threatened. Threatened enough that I don’t feel safe at work anymore. Threatened enough to want to walk away from the job. It all feels passive/aggressive and manipulative. I don’t deal well with that.

Then, per normal, I start looking at my actions. Maybe I did something to cause this. What did I do? I can’t think of anything. Not acceptable. Of course I did something. Why else would someone treat me this way? But, I just can’t think of anything. Think harder dawn.

Wait. Why can’t it just be their fault? Why does it have to be because I did something wrong? Oh yeah. Because that is what I was raised to believe. Someone else’s actions were always my fault. I caused things to happen, even at the age of 4 when I was first abused. The person doing the abusing was never at fault. So, here at work, as a grown adult, I’m trying to convince myself that I’ve done something wrong.

On top of that, is the idea of telling someone. I really didn’t want to tell anyone. But, I wanted to keep my job. I needed to tell someone or I would walk away from a great job that gives me time off when I need it so that I can do my traveling/presenting. I don’t want to quit my job, so I need to talk to someone before it escalates beyond a level I can handle.

Terrifying prospect. I was still convinced that if I told someone and they looked at the situation hard enough, they would find it to be my fault. Damn 15 years of the perpetrators words whispering in my head. They (the perps of long ago) convinced me that if I ever told, I would be sent away. You would think that would be a good thing. But, to a child, being sent to strangers is even more scary than staying in a bad situation. What do they say? It’s easier to stay with the monster you know, than the monster you don’t’ know? Something like that. Plus, we are talking about brainwashing that started at the age of 4 through my teen years, until I left home at 18. During this whole time, I was told it was my fault and if I told anyone, I would be thrown away.

Those tapes are still in my head. It’s my fault. I’ll be thrown away. I’m not worth being protected.

But, my company took me by surprise. They looked at the logs of the conversations between me and the woman I complained about. Not only was my complaint justified, they found other spots that they considered unprofessional and asked if I wanted to file complaints about those. I said ‘no’. I was still surprised that they were taking my side. Protecting me. Letting me know that I was of value to them. Not what I expected.

Wow. This was a first for me. I was right. I hadn’t done anything wrong and it really was the other person acting unprofessional.
I’m still not sure what to do with that.

The other person actually offered to apologize to me. And did so. I accepted the apology. That’s something i never had happen in the past either.

Who knows what happens from here on out.

Will it layer onto the past? Will I be able to get to the point where I truly accept it wasn’t my fault? Where I can believe that I was worthy of being protected?

Who knows, but it’s possible. 
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Eating the Orange

What does it mean to 'eat the orange' ?


orange


Well, this is my viewpoint anyway.....

Eating the Orange

This morning I caught myself saying the phrase ‘Eat the Orange’ a couple of times…mainly because it’s my husband’s birthday and it’s a saying that he is fond of. Not only a saying, but a life philosophy that he likes to live by.

It comes from a Buddhist story. In this story two monks from different countries come across each other while traveling. Each of the monks have their translators. One monk decides to test the other monk. He holds up and orange and through the translators asks, ‘what is this? What is this?’. The translators do their bit and relay the question. The monk being asked the question picks up the orange and peels it, taking a bite. Then, asks his translator, ‘don’t they have oranges in their country?’.

The point of the story is instead of trying to tell a story about something, or guessing at something, bite into it and see for yourself. Experience the adventure.

So, I/we try to live life by ‘eating the orange’; by experiencing new things on purpose. It’s a way of thinking that helps us to walk through fears. For example, if someone asks me out for coffee, my first thought is to say no. Why? Well, I can come up with a number of excuses. ……too busy, what will it turn out to be, is it going to be a waste of time, what if they are scary, what if I fall for them, i have other things to do such as email. But, when I think about just going and ‘eating the orange’, it takes on a whole new flavor.

Instead i think about what the experience would be like. Maybe it will be fun, or scary or whatever, but it will be something that i wouldn't experience while sitting home on the computer.

Just like my naughty goal list that I finally shared. It was scary to be that vulnerable, but I finally put it out there with the idea of what the hell, let’s ‘eat the orange’. Who knows what will become of it.
So, when facing fears, or trying new adventures…..this has become my philosophy for the most part.

‘Eat the Orange’. Enjoy life and all the adventure it has to offer.

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Long Distance Poly

Sometimes long distance poly can be really, really hard. I mean, what do you do when you get the phone call that their family pet died that morning? We were supposed to drive and meet half way that day, but it’s being cancelled so that they can be with their family who is having a hard time. I totally understand that.

But, it’s not like I can just go over and give everyone hugs. Maybe I should have. I probably overthought it. But, my thinking was, that even after 3 years, sometimes I feel like they feel the need to entertain me when I’m there. I didn’t want them to feel that way or have their attention taken off of the fact that they were grieving as a family. I didn’t want to butt in. I just couldn’t do it.

I texted and mentioned a couple of times that I was thinking I should come out, but wouldn’t so they could be there for each other as a family. If the response was along the lines of ‘yes, please come out’…..i would have been there as fast as I could have driven. But, I didn’t get that sort of reply, so assumed I’d guessed right.

Then, I get a phone call later, of him just wanting to talk. At times there was a lot of silence on the phone. I had no platitudes to offer. I didn’t want to offer small talk. He was hurting and there wasn’t anything I could do. I didn’t want to whine that I couldn’t do anything, because that would take his mind off his own grieving and would have turned his attention to the fact that I couldn’t be there. He would have ended up comforting me, and that’s not what I wanted to happen. So, sometimes there was silence on the phone as I just tried to be there for him. But, I wanted to jump in my car and drive the couple of hours just so I could sit with him.

Damn it. Maybe I should have. But, I wanted him to be available for his son if his son needed him. There is no way his son would have come to him for help if I was sitting with him. So, I would literally be driving out there for a few minutes.

Today, I thought it would be nice to drive out there and see them. But, again, it would be about 4 hours total driving time, and I’d feel like they would have a need to entertain me because I was making the drive. I just can’t do it. They need their time together.

All I can do is text and be here by phone. It’s frustrating and hard to be in this situation.

But, it is what it is.
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Sacred Sexuality and me

So what is it about sacred sexuality that interests me? That’s a hard one. First I have to figure out what sacred sexuality means to me.

Sacred Sexuality actually has at least 2 meanings for me. First, it’s a way of connecting to the divine. The Divine that is the universe and the divine that is in each of us. Huh, that’s only one meaning. I’ve always broken it out into 2, but I think it’s really 1.

It the past, I’ve described it as 2. First would be about using sexual energy to connect to the divine of the universe. ….using sexual energy to merge with the energy of the universe, whether for sex magic or for honoring of the Goddess rituals, or healing rituals or to invoke or evoke God/dess energy. My experiences with this path have been absolutely amazing!

The second way to describe it would be as a way of getting to know someone else and their inner divine. This is where sacred touch comes into play, or learning someone’s inner self through sexual vulnerability.

But, now that I’m sitting here, it’s all one and the same. It’s about using sexual energy as a gateway or as a tool to accomplish something else. Though, with intent of it being sacred. Some people will tell you that all sex is sacred. I disagree. As someone that was sexually abused as a child, I can flat out say that I disagree. There wasn’t anything sacred about that. And that could be why I’m in interested in sex unless it can be on a sacred level.

It can be hard to describe to someone when it’s a feeling in my heart and soul. So, I’ll try to explain……let’s say that a kiss with someone is involved. If it’s just a kiss, then it’s just a kiss. Not a big deal. But, to me, if there is sacred sexuality involved….it’s a kiss that is all about the kiss. My walls drop, my heart opens so that I can feel the other person, all my intent and concentration is on that person, on that moment, on that kiss. To me, that is sacred. It’s the same with touch. I can touch someone, but it’s not until I drop the walls and bring the focus to that touch that it becomes sacred. It’s the same with sex. If it’s just a sexual moment to get your rocks off, purely physical, well, some people would still consider that sacred, and maybe it is…..but that’s not what I’m talking about. If I can just be in the moment, and totally feel the connection with the other person, and have it be more than about a physical release, that’s sacred sexuality to me. That’s the connection I crave with someone.

I also use sexual energy to reach the divine in general. This may be a little harder for some to conceptualize. So, let’s see if I can explain. Let’s say I want to offer healing energy to a group of people. I could pray, I could send light, I could do a lot of things. Now think of the power behind sexual energy. If I’m self pleasuring or fucking while I’m sending this energy, think of the mega-bomb of power behind it, especially at the time of orgasm.

I’ve participated in rituals like this and crave doing so again. I’ve invoked and evoked powerful energies to accomplish this healing and/or manifestations. I’ve been so open that during edging or orgasm, I’ve experienced a merging with the universe. It’s absolutely amazing.

The problem I have found though, is that once I experienced this (with Dan early in our relationship before we even knew this way of connecting existed), it’s hard to go back to physical sex. I’ve confused people by not wanting to orgasm….and I just can’t explain to them that it’s because it’s physical….i want the sacred/emotional/connection to all, to be involved. If I can be in a situation where I can drop my walls, be vulnerable, and feel the other person or the universe……that’s my preference, that’s my hunger.

Sigh

I’m just getting started with what sacred sexuality means to me, but it’s time to walk the dog and get to work. I’ll be thinking about this all day.

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