Mar 2014

Quest of the Holy Grail

i had a hard time finding something to do over the weekend. Dan was going to be away, and though the boyfriend would finally be back in town after being gone for a month, he’d be spending it with his wife, obviously. That’s what i wanted to do. I wanted to spend the weekend cuddling someone special to me. But, it wasn’t possible. So, everything else felt flat.

i could go shopping, i could stay home and clean, i could go to a festival. ......nothing felt right. Then, someone mentioned that GLEE (Great lakes energy exchange) was meeting over the weekend and they had someone leading a guided meditation, titled Quest of the Holy Grail. That felt like something that would feed my soul. That felt like something worth doing.

For me, i need something deep and dark to put me back into the pit again so that i can do some inner work. For those that are new, i can see why they would be concerned where this meditation would take them. Everything they are dealing with is still very raw. Mine isn’t raw anymore. Most of that stuff has been dealt with over the last 15 years. The stuff is left is buried deep. It’s buried deep but still effects me to this day. So, i need a tool that can get that deep into my psyche and pry it out. Shock it out. Demand that it show its face.

This quest was a 4 hour meditation, that took place as 4 separate 45 minute meditations. There were about 4 people that ended up walking out. I really wish they had stayed. Yes the spots they walked out of were tough, but that means that they left with that vision in their head. If they had waited a little longer, he would have walked them through something that would have brought the out of the anxiety.

i hit a couple of rough moments, but it’s stuff that i have to look at. Did i find the grail? i don’t know. It’s not a specific thing. or to me, it’s about finding and our inner light. it’s having that aha moment of knowing that i am a Goddess. There were a couple of moments where i got more understanding of why i am like i am. Why i’m a deep thinker instead of a surface life participator. Why i am a deep lover. Why i shy away from surface people. Why i shy away from pretenders. Why i stay away from people that gossip about others. Why i am quiet. Why i am full of anger.

i’m still processing.....and i’m sure i will be processing for awhile.....

Meditation = One Day at a Time

Master mentioned that he isn’t struggling or stressing with the day to day of ‘us’. Even though our schedules and responsibilities have changed since I started working, we just don’t seem to be stressing about it.

I noticed that myself when I realized it was monday morning and i was going to drop the dog off at doggie daycare and go to the gym for the first time in 3 weeks, shower at the gym and then get to work on time. AND be expected to carry more of the work load at work. I didn’t stress about it. One step at a time. Don’t worry about the rest of the day, it would take care of itself.

That doesn’t mean not to plan for the future, but just to not worry about the outcome. i don’t need to know what is going to happen every minute. i just need an overall plan to keep me on course, and then let the chips fall where they may. It makes for a less stressful day.

And I owe it all to meditating.

dawn meditating


Soul vs Self

I’m having a bit of an issue here.....the difference between ‘soul’ and ‘self’. I’m only going to outline a little bit here and then meditate on it and then write some more later.

Master and belet dawn

The main point is, according to Buddhist belief, we are not ourselves. ‘I am’ is a construct for our ego. Our ego likes to put labels to who we are. It likes to define us. But, we are not these labels. We are not defined. We just are.

But, I’m reading a great book that is called ‘Care of the Soul’. This book talks about listening to what our soul wants and feeding it. If we are depressed, sit with being depressed. If we need to be submissive, be submissive. Find the positives about it and listen to the soul. Our soul gives us clues as to what it needs. It (we) are not broken. We just need to listen. We need to stop trying to fix things that are not wrong with us. If we need to feel safe, that doesn’t need to be fixed, regardless of the reason we need to feel safe. If we need to trust, we need to trust. So, this book seems to be saying that there is an ‘I’ and we need to take care of it.

So, if we have a soul that needs to be listened to, how can we not have a self? How can we not be who we are?

And if we aren’t who we are, that means we can decide to change who we are. But, if we do that, are we disregarding what the soul needs?

This will have me in deep thought for awhile, I’m sure.

Pixie, part 2

Well, I did it.....I walked through the fear once again. Easier this time, but only because the guy new how nervous i was and kept me talking through the whole cut. He didn’t start small either. He went right to the scalp.

2014-03-11 07.46.32

Before ^^^

2014-03-11 19.24.41

2014-03-11 20.46.32

After ^^^


Can I pull off a pixie?

Oh my. I’ve been thinking about this for a while. Now, it’s time to do it. I’ve stressed over getting a short hair cut. I’ve threatened my hair when I can’t get it to hold any style. I’ve threatened to bleach it white and do purple tips like a friend of mine did. But, when it comes right down to it, I’m terrified of cutting my hair. There are many reasons and there is past baggage tied to it.

What if it looks silly? What if I look like a boy? What if I cut it, don’t like it, and it doesn’t grow out? What if I look like a boy (yes, I know I’ve said that already)? What if my neck is too ‘old’ to pull it off? What if I have to wear product all the time to do anything with it? What if I think it will be a ‘wash n go’ style and it turns out to need more work than my mop does now? What if I look like my mom? Will I be fulfilling her desire for me to have short hair? So what? What if I look like a boy?

My hair has always been thin and fine. My mother hated it. I wanted it long. She wanted it short. I can remember in the first grade that it was picture day and for some reason my mom didn’t know about it. I told her as I was running out the door for the bus. She had put my hair in pig tails and was mad because I hadn’t given her time to do something with my hair. I was in the first grade.

I can remember her putting perms in my hair to try to help it and give it ‘body’. They always looked horrible and I got teased in school. One time, she had forgotten to get her regular curlers back from my aunt and only had the perm curlers. This meant that she had no way to do the second round of curlers that were supposed to be done after the perm curlers. This turned my hair into an afro for weeks. The kids were mean with their racial slurs. I was in the second grade.

On summer, she buzzed the boys hair; Richard, Billy, Bobby and Jeffrey. I was the only girl with my brother and 3 boy cousins. At least she didn’t buzz my hair, but she couldn’t find any scissors. Aunt Betty did provide a couple of razor blades and together, one on each side, they proceeded to cut my hair – shorter and shorter. They might as well have buzzed it. That was the summer after 3rd grade.

After that, she couldn’t catch me to cut my hair or do anything with it. So, she started taking me to the barber school in town. Year after year, I ended up with some form of a bowl cut. Or a new perm that made me look like a cat that had stuck its paw in an electric socket. Horrendous.

In Junior High, I was just filling out with hips and had had one of those bowl cuts over the summer. I had someone stop me in the hall and asked if I was a boy or girl. It’s bad enough that I was only allowed to wear dress pants with tennis shoes and courderoys. No jeans. And the only skirts I owned were bought when I messed up my leg and had to wear a cast for 3 months.

All of these things lead to a fear of having short hair. Not only that, but it feels like if I go with short hair, my mom wins. I have fought long and hard to keep some sort of length to my hair. But, honestly, it’s getting to be too much of a hassle. I was in Chicago over the weekend and forgot my mousse and spritzer. My hair was flat and I was more than ready to chop it off. I thought Master was going to during one of our presentations.

Also, I’m wanting to go to the gym in the morning, but dread the idea of having to dry and primp my hair at the gym before going to work. That has kept me out of the gym since starting my new job.

Wonder if I can pull this off?

Back on the Wagon


Today, Master and I start on ‘Day One’ of our old way of doing our health tracking system, and point earning system. That was working really well for us and fell by the wayside for me when we started the ‘Movement Challenge’, started my new job and strained my hip at the gym. I haven’t been exercising or meditating with any consistency. So, it’s time! Back on the wagon!

It’s been two weeks since starting the new job and straining my hip. I need to figure out how I’m going to schedule my day so that I get in my exercise, meditation and writing. One of the thoughts is to get a personal trainer. Dan has been suggesting this for a long time, but we just haven’t had the money. I’ve tried a personal trainer here and there over the last couple of years, but when the trial packets run out, I stop seeing them. So, it’s time. Dan has given me a name, Lady Di is seeing someone she likes, and I wouldn’t mind the Personal Training Studio that I’ve used before because they will help me with my hip and calf issues. Actually, I just looked at their pricing for their Polaris place and it’s pretty cheap if I want to share a slot with someone. I’ll be making phone calls today.

As for meditation, wow, we just have to figure out when to do it. We were able to this morning because I planned on not going to the gym and just being with Dan before he left for Chicago for work. We had such a great weekend and I really didn’t want it to end. Still don’t.  When would be the best time? We already know that evening doesn’t work for us. So, we need to do it in the morning. But, if I’m going to start taking Ginger in at 7am so that I can get to the gym, that means leaving our home at 6:50am. Yuck! I will HAVE to start getting up at 5:50, dressed and lunch made and work clothes in my gym bag. Meditate, kiss Master, grab lunch, water bottle and coffee/tea and then out the door. Don’t like it, but it’s needed to stay on a good mental/physical/spiritual track.

Today, meditation is done. Writing (this) is done, will track calories all day. Now, just need to figure out when to exercise.