May 2017

A Vacation? Finally!

Had an exciting time watching videos of the cruise ship we’ll be taking in a couple of weeks and more videos on how to pack. I’m so looking forward to this trip. Dan and I rarely get to vacation without presenting. And even this time, we are flying in early so that we can teach for NLA: Orlando. Crazy? We could have toured that part of the country or gone to Disneyworld, where neither of us have been. But, instead, we’ll be teaching a lot of classes.

This cruise is well deserved.

And Jamaica. What more can I say? We’ve never been and I can’t express enough how much I want to lay on a beach and read, or day dream or draw, or crochet, or …….something that I don’t get time to do anymore.

I also plan on marking some things off my ‘101 goals in 1001 days’ list; ziplining, rock wall climbing, alpine ride, and maybe some things off of my naughty list, as well. Who knows?
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Reflections on my '101 goals in 1001 days' lists

Sometimes it’s hard to just sit down and write. I want to write so that I keep the skill fresh, but sometimes it feels like I have nothing to write about, and I don’t want to journal write tonight either.

I even have a list of topics to write about, but none of them are speaking to me.

I do best, when I write about power exchange, poly, sacred sexuality, sex, or something that has happened to me that has left me feeling a strong emotion

Today, I spent most of my day writing in my new notebook. What was I writing? My task list. I used to keep it in a dayminder, a long time ago. Then I went electronic. But, that hasn’t been speaking to me either. I found myself crazing buying a pretty notebook and transferring everything from electronic to paper/pen; a purple pen of course.

I have a ‘101 Goals in 1001 Days’ List that was started in February of 2015 and is due to end in November 2017. I have over 30 items completed, but 70 to go. Most of the list to be completed involves traveling or writing. I won’t get it done by November. Too bad I didn’t put a cruise or Jamaica on it. That’s coming up in June.

Silly me, last October, I realized I had a few items done and decided to replace each finished item with a new item. So that means I have 2 lists going concurrently. One that ends this November and one that ends July 14, 2019.

Even sillier, I also have a ‘Naughty 101 Goals in 1001 Days’ list. This only has 40 items on it though. But, still that means that since February 2015, I’ve come up with 242 Goals. That’s a lot!

I have completed 44. Not bad, if I do say so myself. And if I didn’t have these goals, I may have gotten some things accomplished, but it may not have been things that struck my fancy over the years. It would have been more random, minor things. These lists help keep me on track.

And some of these items are duplicated of things I’ve done before. But, I found them fun or fulfilling and want to do them again. It is how I lost 90 pounds over the years. It’s how we came to start a business with business partners and how we bought a house.

I find these lists very useful, probably because I’m goal driven. The trick is to not become overwhelmed by them. They are a focus tool, not something to beat yourself up over.

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Warrior vs Nuisance, part 2

Warrior vs Nuisance …..Part 2

Well, once I posted that writing on ‘Warrior vs. Nuisance’, almost instantly someone responded to it telling me it didn’t resonate and that i was week and hiding my mental illness behind my kink.

Wow. i had no warning and it was instantly after i posted it. Luckily i had a little time to stay on fet and take care of the situation. i wrote a little response….like ‘wow, where did that attitude come from?’. Then, i went and checked out his profile…..’incest, forced impregnatation’ and more weird stuff like that. Yuck. So, i wrote him a little note telling him i was blocking him and then reported him and blocked him.

Almost instantly, Kevin texted me to let me know that whatever that guy wrote wasn’t true and he was responding through his own sick filters. i had already figured that out, but it’s nice to hear it from a professional.

Luckily for me, i’ve done a lot of work over the years. And doing the type of writing i did, i really open myself up to being vulnerable. Someone responding like that person did, could have crippled me not too long ago.

But, i handled it like a champ. Surprise Surprise.

And it did resonate with a lot of people and it brings me closer to people.

i hope that guy gets some help.
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Warrior vs. Nuisance


 
Maybe it’s not important? But, it’s rolling around in my head, so I figure I’ll try to write it again.
Warrior vs. Being a Nuisance
 
I was in the shower yesterday morning and was thinking that this delimna is being caused by being raised in an alcoholic, dysfunctional family.

During Beltaine Ritual on Monday night, it was in me to become a warrior, embrace my warrior self, ask for what I want, set boundaries, grab life by the balls. But, I have a fear in doing that. There are many times when I go through a phase where I’m feeling this way, that I feel I become a nuisance. I ask for more time from people; I text way more often; I email more often; I ask more questions. This attitude makes me feel like I’m a nuisance to people and I’m afraid they’ll back away. So, I back away first. It’s a never ending cycle and I probably drive people crazy with it.

Why do I think this confusion comes from being in an alcoholic family? Because as a child it felt normal to ask for what I wanted. But, it would be thrown back at me. Don’t I know that they are busy with the business? Don’t I know they don’t have money to do the things I want to do? Don’t I know that they can’t leave their own business to come pick me up from a school function? Don’t I know that I’m just trying to be better than them? So, I am constantly second guessing myself. What’s the way that will please them….my partners? I’m so busy trying to please, that I forget to state my needs. Then, when I remember I’m allowed to and expected to state my needs, I feel like a nuisance.

It’s very confusing. I don’t want to be pushy, but how are they supposed to know my needs, wants and desires unless I express them?

I forget that my partners are with be because they want to be with me…..not because they are stuck with me like my parents were.
 

I’m assuming there is a balance between Warrior and Nuisance. I just don’t know what it is. 
I wrote this yesterday…..came in this morning and it was gone.


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Metamours

Metamours

Over the weekend I got a chance to teach at the unconference on metamours. It was actually a lot of fun. I love to teach. And it was even easier because it wasn’t really teaching, it was leading a discussion with using my experience to lead with.
 
At the Unconference, someone had written on a piece of paper that they wanted to learn about supporting metamours. I have a little experience with that, though it used to be really hard for me to do. And there have been some metamours that I wasn’t interested in supporting at all. But, recently, with my boyfriends, wife…who is my metamour….I’m learning how to do this supporting thing, more graciously and with forethought.

The discussion was awesome. Here we are at a kink event and someone wants to talk poly. No one else had spoken up wanting to teach poly, so I did. All the other classes going on around us was about skills, so I didn’t think anyone would come to this discussion. Wrong! 20 people showed up. Some just listened and some had some input. It was good stuff. And I realized I support my metamours a little more than I actually thought I did.

A lot of this has to do with my boyfriend’s wife though. She is just so gracious and happy that he is happy. She supports me all the time. I like it. So, in return, I try to support my partner and his partners. Though, I still have my boundaries. There is only so much I can do. For example, all of my metamours seem to be extroverts at the moment. I’m not. I’m so not. So, if they want to go out and do things, I’m usually not interested. Those are my boundaries. I don’t make my husband go out with my partners on his own, so I feel pretty ok about not having to go out with his on my own. It has nothing to do with them, and that’s what I talked about in the discussion and on our podcast; just because I don’t want to spend time with someone, doesn’t mean I don’t think they are an ok person. I just don’t like spending time with people, much.

So, again, great topic. 

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