Oct 2015

Shining the Light

I feel like I’ve been lacking in my blogging, but it’s hard to come up with things to talk about……

So what to talk about……

Today, I think I’ll write about the fear of someone finding out something about your past. Someone that you are in a deep, loving relationship with.

I’m growing in a relationship, and though I’ve shared absolutely everything with my husband, I haven’t shared everything with the newer relationship. Not that I’m hiding things, but haven’t seen the need. Are we supposed to be sharing everything with each other? We haven’t discussed that. Actually, we have such a difference of opinion on so many things, that we don’t always discuss heavy topics.

Well, over the weekend, we had a great time and a long car ride and train ride. So, we had a lot of time to talk about a lot of things. Which means we talked about a lot of deep stuff. And we talked about our feelings on the subjects even though they are so different.

One of the topics sent me spinning. He was so passionate with how he felt about a certain topic and how he felt about people that participated in it. Well, in my past, I participated in it. Well, we discussed it and then the topic changed before I could figure out how to tell him. I was scared. What if I mentioned it and he made an instant decision that we couldn’t be together? I love him. I don’t want to lose him. But, is it worth not telling him?

It’s not. I need to tell him. Then, he needs to make up his mind if it’s something that he can deal with. It’s scary. I was so triggered. I thought I had laid my guilt to rest over my actions of the past. I thought I had worked through it. But, what had happened was I had found a partner that understood my guilt and shame, and helped me work through it. If I have friends that would be against it, I just wouldn’t have them as friends anymore. Ummm, I take that back. I’m ok with someone being against it. Hell, in most situations I’m against it as well. But, in my situation, it was the right choice. ….but I wouldn’t have them as friends if they judged me.

I’m afraid of him judging me. I don’t know that I could handle that. But, living in that fear, is triggering itself. I have to tell him. I just have to make sure it’s not when I’m triggered. And I don’t want to assume how he’s going to react. That seems judgmental on my part as well and I don’t want to be that person.

So, I need to share. I need to shine a light on this. If I don’t, it will become part of my shadow again. That isn’t a good place for me to be. I have to fix this.

It’s scary. But, I can’t be in a relationship where I keep secrets out of fear.

Screen Shot 2015-10-14 at 9.20.39 PM


Magic Carpet Ride

There are times when you wonder how you kept your composure. Thursday night was one of those nights.

Long day at work, then home to finish getting ready for the trip, then picking up the friend that was going with us. My husband drove the first part of the trip, but he was getting tired, so I took over. It was dark and windy, which bounced the car a little, but not a bad little trip that we’ve done many times before.

I’m grooving along, singing to Adam Ant, when my husband turns off the music to get our attention on something that he’s working on. We are chatting about that, when of the back of a truck in the slow lane ahead of us, a huge roll of carpet flies off and straight towards us. In slow motion I envision it unrolling and going under us. That’s exactly what it did. I had no time to react. I didn’t swerve but calculated that it was carpet and hopefully wasn’t going to destroy the car, and ran over it.

We were lucky. It unfurled completely. And I didn’t swerve. To the right I would have swiped another car. To the left we would have gone down an embankment. Nope, went straight over. My fear totally froze and got locked away during that moment. That’s my defense mechanism; lock down which comes across as composure.

I couldn’t interact after that. Drove, looking straight ahead. Hyper aware of everything around me. Couldn’t feel any emotions. I must have come across as so composed that no one even asked me how I was, until miles down the road. My hands hurt after the next 40-60 miles, from gripping the wheel so tight.

We get to the hotel and someone gets our attention at the stoplight to let us know that we are dragging something. We pull into the hotel and we have carpet strands dragging behind us. We went to pull it off but it was wound tight.

Dan put a call out for help on the event group and someone local had a garage and helped us out. He said we were lucky that we hadn’t pulled over and pulled the rest of that carpet yarn off the car, because it had wrapped around the break line and we more than likely would have snapped it.

Someone was definitely looking out for us. For me to envision the carpet unrolling and then it did, and then not to panic and swerve, and then not to pull over to check out the damage. We made all the right decisions.

Later we were talking about it and tried to figure out how we would change our lives now that we’d had such a close call…….and couldn’t think of anything. We are living the life we want. We are taking risks and loving the people we want. We are following our dreams.

Maybe a little more time with the granddaughter. That’s what I’d change.