Sep 2014

Power Exchange vs Attachment

I just had someone ask me about the fear of becoming attached to their Master. That they see a power exchange relationship as something to stay away from, because what she sees is a deeper attachment than in vanilla relationships. I totally agree, it is. At least for me, it is. But, i wouldn’t want it to be any other way. Deep is what I want.


The trick is to be aware of my emotions, to be able to see from the outside what is going on. I can’t imagine going through life totally detached. My thought is that we are supposed to be experiencing life. We can’t experience life from the outside. The trick is to be aware that we are attached, and work with it.

I am attached to my Master. I am also aware that he is his own person. I am also aware that at some point our relationship will end. Whether one of us leaves, or one of us dies, it will end. To believe differently causes suffering.

So, I live the ‘middle path’. I am attached. I’m aware I’m attached. I’m aware I can’t control it. I work hard at not being attached to our actions, though we do follow rules. I’m aware it will end. If you are in a power exchange with eyes wide open and with the idea that things constantly change, the results of the attachment will be easier.

I’m going to let this percolate, because I just don’t have the words.

In the end....I’m in a deep relationship, with a person I totally trust, with a person I can be completely vulnerable to. I need this sort of relationship to thrive. Knowing this, why would I step away from it out of fear of attachment?


Qadishti BDSM

Had a fabulous class at the Monkey Puzzle Club the other night. Master was sick, but i feel i did a great job! We’ve been teaching this class for a VERY long time. i’m not even sure where we first taught it, but this is the second time with MPC, we’ve taught it at GLEE in Toledo, and GD2 in Chicago, Beltaine in Maryland, NLA in Columbus. ......lots of places with great results.

Lots of people with questions about energy work and how to create ritual with BDSM. Negotiation, setting intent, creating the ritual, how to let go to be ridden, After care.....i cover all of that. My main focus is energy though; what it is, how to use it, how to use psychic hygiene practices, etc. etc.

Lots of great questions after the class as well!!!

Raising Standards with exercise


So, still having an issue with trying to lose weight. I’ve been going to the personal trainer for 5 months now, and have barely lost any. I’ve lost some inches, but nothing on the scale. I know that ‘muscle weighs more that fat’, but there should be a larger change by now.

I was scrolling through some journal entries, and came across one that was about ‘raising my standards’ when it comes to my exercise and eating.

I need to bump up the exercise....quality exercise, not just walking the dog mixed in with the trainer.

I need to change my eating. I’ve cut out most things that aren’t good for me...potatoes, rice, sugar, fruit. It’s time to go hard core high protein again. I never felt better than when I was on the atkins diet. I need to try it again, for 2 weeks.

I’ve got 3 weeks to catch up with 50 miles of walking and biking. Is that even possible? Sure. 3 weeks at at least 2 miles a day.

I’ve GOT to do this! I’ve put too much work into this process to give up now.

I want to get to 199 pounds!

I can do this.

An Introverted Qadishtu

Introverted Thinkers

Recently, I’ve discovered the word ‘introvert’ and it explains a LOT about my personality/quirks. I’ve known about this word, of course, and I’ve believed I’m an introvert because I was shy. Then, when I lost most of my shyness, I started to believe I was a shy extrovert. I wasn’t as shy as I used to be, painfully shy, but I wasn’t as outgoing as other extroverts, so that left me with being a shy extrovert. But, that still didn’t seem to fit. I was enjoying being home by myself more and more. I still don’t like staying at someone’s house over a hotel. I still don’t like doing things with big groups of people. I do like being on stage instead of part of the crowd. I still feel very awkward when being introduced to the new boyfriend’s friends and family.
We’ve talked about our introverted selves with others that are introverts. But, some of the quirks of a introvert, I’ve never connected with my personal quirks. I’ve actually been looking at my quirks as character flaws for years. And have gotten very frustrated that I can’t seem to fix them. For example, I’m not a social butterfly. I don’t like having small talk with a bunch of different people. I’d much rather have deep, intense conversations. That means that I come across as a quiet, deep person instead of a happy, go-lucky person. This can be frustrating when you want to be seen as a ‘white-light, hestia-filled, welcome-to-my-space’ sort of person.
I’m very protective of my space and of my friends, now I know why. I have no interest in having a large group of friends, now I know why. I like to be a leader/teacher, now I know why. I like quiet time, now I know why. I feel very uncomfortable in a group of people that I don’t know, now I know why. I will stand off to the side and watch when I’m thrown into a new situation, now I know why. Not being able to talk to others while I’m in ‘service mode’, is heavenly for me, now I know why.
So, how does being an introvert come into play with being a Qadishtu? Well, to work with others and to help with their healing, means I have to put myself out there. This is not a comfortable place for me. When I talk to someone about being a Priestess for a ritual for them, it can become uncomfortable if I don’t know them, simply because I have to spend time getting to know them before designing a ritual. I had to do that last Wednesday as I talked to someone that responded to my fetlife post about wanting to be a Priestess Top. She wants a ritual at an event this weekend, and that meant I had to sit with her and get to know what she was looking for. We started with small talk. I almost closed the conversation to tell her I wasn’t interested, when she started with the deeper stuff. That’s when I was able to engage.
So, rituals have to be deep for me. I’ve tried to do a ritual for someone that didn’t go deep, and it doesn’t work for me and I don’t think I’d try it again.
Scarlet Sanctuary works for me, because I don’t have to converse with people. I’m the High Priestess and therefore I set the tone of the evening by creating sacred space. I get to give sacred touch to about 10 people during the evening, but I don’t have to if I don’t want to. We’ve set up the sanctuary to have at least 6 givers, sometimes as many as 10 trained people join us.
I do have to take care of myself after these rituals and after an evening of Scarlet Sanctuary. I’m not someone that can give all night and then go play in the dungeon. The giving is amazingly awesome, but it totally drains me. It’s the same as when I do Reiki. Reiki is supposed to energize you, but I’m still giving of my time and energy to channel the energy, therefore I’m exhausted afterwards.

So,., though I am a Qadishtu Priestess, and love to help people through rites of passage and opportunities for transformation, I’m also an introvert that has to continuously work at putting herself out there and making herself available. I wish I could change some of these quirks, but if it’s a choice of standing off to the side and watching, vs doing something with someone where I’m not completely comfortable, I’ll take the standing off to the side and watching. But, it’s not who I want to be, so I constantly push myself, so that I can facilitate change in others whom request my help. 


belet dawn

belet dawn is a name that Master gave to me a couple of years ago, as a way for a new person in our lives to address me.

belet: Priestess servant of Belum. A role that is normally fulfilled by a trained and experienced slave. He/she follows because she decides to, but is strong enough to take the reins when need be. Kneels to Belum without hesitation and understands this is where his/her heart thrives.

I so want this to be my name everywhere.

belet dawn.

Priestess servant of Belum - These very words make my stomach flip. The extension of His will. A person that can manifest and heal at His direction.

Fulfilled by a trained and experienced slave – Through lots of dedicated work on both of our parts, this is who I am.

Follows because she decides to, but is strong enough to take the reins when need be – I follow someone I respect and that has earned my trust in all ways. I hold nothing back in my service. I am strong. I can support. I can lead. Sacred Flame Circle, clergy work, and the CIC are just a few examples of where my strength comes into play. If Master is sick or hands something to me, I don’t have any doubt that I can take the reins. Yet, I follow Him. i respect him, trust him and He owns all of me.

Kneels to Belum without hesitation and understands this is where his/her heart thrives – I kneel physically and in my heart. To be His. To be at his command at a snap. Not hesitation. I don’t have to decide to submit. It is as natural to me with Him, as breathing. The idea of Him snapping His fingers or giving me that look, for me to kneel and obey, makes me smile with my whole heart/self.

This is where I thrive.

To be this core self, means dropping my ego and perceived self. It means I don’t have to protect myself from the one that owns me. I don't have to protect him from me. I can just be me, my powerful self, my soft self, my loving self, my dark self, my self that craves to serve Him.

Much of this is hard to put into words..... the feeling, the depth, the love, the completeness i feel when i serve Him, when i feel that ownership, knowing i am owned by Him and Him alone.