Sep 2015

Belly to Belly

I’m really wanting to participate with what’s going on right now. But, I don’t have a partner with me, and since I’m at my office and managing it while a group meets here, it feel inappropriate to join in. But, it’s oh so tempting as I watch and feel the energy of the couples that are practicing tantra.

Nick calls it the belly to belly practice. It’s amazing. Couples belly to belly in ways that feel comfortable. Expressing how they want to be touched, held, contained. Talking to each other about how they feel and the beaut the see in each other.

I want to do this with one of my partners. Both of them would be good at this if they would drop their walls and just be part of the experience. I don’t know that either could fully do that though. That’s when I’d like to have a partner that was totally into these sorts of intensive experiences.

Maybe the universe will provide someone like that in the future so that I can experience these sort of experiences. Or maybe one of my current partners will decide that they can do this with me.


We had the housewarming to our ‘Poly Unicorn House’ yesterday and it was amazing!
I’m not sure I can list everyone that was there. People from all parts of our life and some we didn’t know, but they wanted to meet Dan and I and see what a poly house looks like.
At some point, I’ll write a list of people that I can remember being there. I expected 60, but I think it was more like 75. We constantly ran tours of the house. I would start with Karen’s and show her big kitchen, and then I’d take them to my side and show off all my closets! It was really amazing.
But, the thing that I found most amazing was my son Travis. I was walking him and his wife and daughter around the house, and then oops, there is the boyfriend and his wife and 2 kids sitting alone in my living room. So, I introduced them all. I didn’t say that D’art was my boyfriend, and I’m not sure Travis picked up on it, but Beth did because she knows the name. And then I kept moving.
There is a picture in our Master bedroom that is of Dan with claws and he’s stroking my face and I’m in a corset and collar. And once we get into the basement, there is 3 panels of pictures of Dan from the last 50 years. Some of the pics have Karen in them, and some have me. Some have the boys and one has Travis’s dad in it. Hell, Travis is in some as well. Great pics, though there are a couple with collars and Leather and our Master/slave vests.
I stood next to Travis as he looked at them, and said ‘if you have any questions, feel free to ask’. And then we kept moving. I brought them back upstairs and out the back door so that Gwen could see Ginger.
Then, it was time to mingle again.
I checked on them a couple of times. Checked on D’art and his family a couple of times. Let his kids go through our boxes of costuming as well.
Near the end of the party, Travis and Beth were showing off their new car. I pulled my eldest aside and told him that it meant a lot for him to be there for me. That I know it was hard for him when I was going through hard times with Dan when Karen came along. And that he’d be seeing a little more of D’art. He just shrugged his shoulders, said it was ok and gave me a hug. I could cry.
It was pretty amazing to me. If my youngest had shown up, it would have been complete. The people that I care the most about would have all been there.
Yes, friends are great. And it was amazing to me all the love that poured out from these people. Someone took over Dan’s grilling job so that he could mingle. Someone made sure I didn’t need anything done so that I could mingle. It was a pretty special day.

Was it worth getting our whole house together in 10 days? You bet! 

10 things I've learned in my poly relationship

I do plan on writing about each of these individually.

It’s easy to find negative things about what people learned in poly or open relationships….mine are all positive.

      Abundance vs. Scarcity
      ‘What about me’ is a trigger
      ‘And’ vs. ‘or’
      I’m stronger than I think
      I am lovable
      I’m not broken
      Facing your fears can be a time of growth

10 Things I’ve Learned From My Poly Relationships


It’s a simple question…..why do i always have to reach out, and when i do, no one has time for me? i sit and wait, wondering what i’ve done wrong, or wondering how i’ve offended someone.

I understand that people think i’m too busy for them, and therefore don’t reach out to me in case they interrupt what i’m doing. I do understand that. But, i ask people to reach out anyway because there may be a moment that i’m free and looking for something to do. i also understand that people can get tired of asking and being told ‘the calendar gods hate me’.

What i don’t understand i why when i do reach out, i don’t get a response. i have one ‘friend’ that whenever i see her, she says she misses me. Yet, when i reach out to her, she doesn’t reply. Nor does she ever reach out to me.

Or for the last couple of days, i have people tell me they miss me, yet when i reach out by text, Facebook, etc. i rarely get responses.

4 people that i’m trying to build/maintain relationships with. Contacted them multiple times over the last couple of days. It’s rare that i get any response from either of them. One replied ‘busy’, and i haven’t heard from them sense. i don’t want to text a lot, because that can get annoying. But, i’m also tired of being the one to have to reach out and then when i do, to be ignored.

It’s no wonder i feel lonely some days.

Changing my mind


I used to have this friend that told me a good mood is as easy as making up your mind to be in a good mood. Or changing your mind about the mood you are in.
Personally, I wanted to smack him. He doesn’t suffer from PTSD and as far as I know, didn’t have an abusive childhood or anything else in his life that could cause triggers. So, what right did he have to tell me to just ‘change my mind’?

Well, last Friday I had an experience where I believe this philosophy just a little more.
I wanted to be at an event early on Friday. Well, I work till 6pm, so it wasn’t going to be too early. Then,I realized that I needed to pick up an auction that I had won. OK, no big deal, it’s in the same suburb that I work in, I’ll just pick it up on the way to the hotel. Oh, but wait, it’s 15 minutes away in the opposite direction of the hotel! After I calculated it out, it was going to be after 7pm before getting to the hotel, and opening ceremonies were at 8pm. That means I’d have to get there, register, unload the car, get dressed in costume and eat…all before 8pm.
I could feel the adrenaline start to pump in frustration. I posted on facebook that I was going to be grumpy when I got there and was probably going to have to hide for a moment and breathe to calm down. Well, after I wrote that, I wondered why I was going to have to feel grumpy. I wasn’t going to make it there until after 7pm. There was no way around that. I could not make it any faster, and since it was now raining, it would probably be after 7pm. So, why not live in the present instead of causing myself suffering by wanting it to be some other way.
And that’s what I did. I hurried, but I paid attention to what wat going on around me, enjoyed the drive, thanked the people at the auction for helping me load my car, and enjoyed the view of the lake as I drove across. This meant that I actually showed up to the event, unrushed, and in good spirits. I said hi to people and gave hugs, registered, unloaded, got dressed and had a few minutes before opening ceremony where us business partners were putting on a video. It was great!

So, I wasn’t triggered, but also worked at not being triggered which happens sometimes when I feel out of control. It worked this time. I may have to try it again. 

Making a Difference in People's Lives

Making a Difference in People’s Lives
One of the things that drew me to being a Qadishtu Priestess, was the idea of helping make a difference in people’s lives. And not just by doing charity, or mentoring, or giving money, but by really helping them build a stronger foundation within themselves.
One of the ways of helping with personal foundations is through healing our sexual selves. Getting to the root of our sexual difficulties. Whether these difficulties were created by past abuse or neglect or being an introvert or being shamed, I have a drive to help people through this.
A strong foundation in our sexuality help us become more confident in ourselves as human beings. When I don’t feel shame about my urges and desires, I can then embrace who I am at my core.
This is coming from someone that was sexually molested and abused since her earliest memory til the time she left home. Then, married someone that shamed her about her urges and desires, though they were healthy ones that happened to be kinky or not involve him.

My husband/Master, who is also a Qadesh deep down, even before he knew the word, is the one that helped me overcome the results of my baggage, and through my shame. He helped me embrace that major part of myself. Now, my foundation is strong enough that I can help others.

I can help by sharing my story. I can help by mentoring and sharing tools that I’ve learned along the way. And I can help through sex, and sexual ritual, including bdsm. I’ve seen the results.

One of the first experiences that had visible results was when I was with a stranger and pleasured him. I was there for him and made eye contact and stroked him with pleasure. He was an overweight fellow with body issues, and I put on my Qadishtu aura, dropped my walls and focused on this human being under my hands as I pleasured him. The results were amazing. This is the first time that someone told me they loved me after one time together. I let him know what I did and explained that it wasn’t me he was in love with, but the feeling of being loved and that there was someone out there for him. A few weeks later I ran across him at a BBW party, meeting women…something he’d been too nervous about before then. But, he wanted that feeling again and that made him brave enough to face his challenges around his body image and sex.

I need this path in my life. It helps me feel complete.

There aren’t too many opportunities to walk this path though. Or I’m just not looking in the right spot. I’ll have to keep my eyes open at the event we are going to this weekend.