Poly Tools - Uncomfortable Doesn't Mean 'Wrong'

For a long time, i thought those words meant the same thing. But, over time i’ve figured out that they don’t.

Let me say that again, because i have to remind myself of that again and again….’just because something feels uncomfortable, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.’

It could feel uncomfortable to have my husband go out and meet another girl for dinner. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong. We are poly….him going out to dinner with someone is what we do. It could feel uncomfortable to me, for him to be texting someone else. My feelings of jealousy or being uncomfortable does not mean what he is doing is wrong.

Now, that doesn’t mean that some feelings don’t mean something is wrong. If he’s going out to dinner with someone and he hasn’t given me enough notice and our agreement is that there will be a certain amount of notice given, that could be wrong. But, it’s not the poly itself that is wrong, it’s how it’s being done.

When my belly gets twisted up in knots, i really have to look at it. Is what my husband or boyfriend doing wrong? No? OK…..then i sit with the feeling. What is causing the feeling if it’s not because something he’s doing is wrong? Where is the feeling of being uncomfortable coming from? Am i jealous of the time that someone else gets? Am i envious that someone gets to spend that precious time with him? Is he taking her to a place i want to go? Am i feeling lonely? Am i not feeling cherished? Am i scared that i’m going to lose him? Is it a self-esteem issue on my part? These are things that can be fixed and maybe modified for the next time he goes out, so that i can have a more positive reaction.


But, if i get stuck on the idea that those two words mean the same thing, i’m going to get stuck into believing that poly is wrong. That the actions involved are wrong. He and i know better than that.

Since figuring out that they mean different things…..we’ve grown in our poly relationships by leaps and bounds. This is one of our most recent tools that we figured out, and one of the most beneficial ones.
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