Abundance in Love

Poly - Idyllic in Theory

From the book I’m reading...Abundance in Love by Kathy Labriola

“It is possible for the various types of non-monogamous lifestyles to enrich the lives of all parties involved and lead to deeper intimacy, love, and satisfaction. However, in real life, making a transition from traditional relationships to a non-monogamous lifestyle is very stressful and involves growing pains, because living in a new way requires learning new skills and overcoming a lifetime of socialization. What sounds idyllic and reasonable in theory may be complicated and difficult to work out in reality logistically as well as emotionally. People with the best of intentions often discover that they have many intense insecurities and fears based on core beliefs about themselves, a both their partner(s), and about relationships and family in general.”

When I read that this evening, I thought “yep, that me in a nutshell and boy is she not kidding’.

My husband/Master and I had talked about poly along with power exchange when we got together. We built the power exchange relationship first, since we knew that would be the foundation that empowered us to do anything else that we attempted. That took awhile of adjustment before it was a complete and solid foundation. We were coming from vanilla (mainstream) relationships and trying to design something totally different. A hierarchal relationship when everything in the media was tooting 50/50 relationships or the ‘husband is stupid, wife must fix everything’ model of relationships. We wanted a powerful empowered dominant male and powerful empowered surrendered female model of relationship. Power Exchange...with a helping of kink, thank you very much. Because we didn’t have any role-models, that took a little while to figure out.

Once that relationship foundation was stable, we started dabbling in poly. Both of us pictured an idyllic fantasy world. I mean, it involved love, so it would be easy,....right? Wrong! First, once again we weren’t working with any role-models. Second, we were a power exchange couple, and many people just don’t understand the depth of such a relationship. I mean, I don’t just live with him as a partner. He owns me body, mind and soul, and not just because of this engraved chain around my neck. That’s hard for some people to understand.

Anyway, it wasn’t just the people we were meeting that made this transition to poly difficult. First, we tried to see how He would feel if I was with other men and/or women, since I’m bi-sexual. After a couple of trials, we figured out that he wasn’t going to have a problem. I actually had the problem, because though I wasn’t, I felt like I was cheating on Him. We had to do some work on that.

Then, we started adding in girls that we dated together. Except for one, who loved to date us as a couple and understood what we brought to her life as a couple, the women felt that I wasn’t ‘enough’ for Him and therefore they would be and would take him from me. One even had the balls to say so to my face in front of Him. I had to work through jealousy, self-esteem issues and a lot of anger with those trials.

These trials frustrated me to no end. This is the idea world. Free love. Creating new relationships as we found people we wanted to be with. Sex with others. Experiencing new things.

Yet, I fell into a ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ that lasted longer than I would prefer. The adjustment was not easy. I wanted to be the Goddess that accepted anyone that came to us. I wanted to totally support my husband and was frustrated when this did not come as naturally as I had always imagined it would be. I had finally found a relationship that I felt safe in, one where I felt loved and cherished, and now I had to let in others. ....others that I didn’t trust. Others that didn’t understand that I needed to trust them. Very difficult indeed.

But, I stuck with it. I worked on my issues. I worked on my communication skills. I worked on supporting him and forgiving me.

When I told someone, “but I should be so much further along with being able to embrace this life that I want”. She looked at me and said if I would be happy with the progress I had made and accept that I am where I am, instead of wishing that I was further along, I’d be so much happier. I heard that as ‘stop clinging to the idea that you should be somewhere other than where you are and you’d suffer so much less”. Damn it! She was right! I breathed a sigh of relief that night and let go of expectations of where I thought I should be.

We are now experiencing something new and are processing as we go, sometimes daily, sometimes hourly. We’ll survive.