How the Hell Did I Get to 50?


More and more, recently, I’ve been thinking about that dreaded number…….50. I watched my husband get there and accept that number with grace. I’ve seen others turn 50 without a thought. Me on the other hand…..well….it’s hard to believe that I made it to 50 on one hand, and on the other hand when in the hell did 50 happen?
Since it struck me the other day that I’m 49, not 48, it’s been weighing on my mind. I’ve been trying to vocalize it more on my facebook pages and when talking to people. Maybe if I talk about it enough, it won’t traumatize me when I hit that number in May.
And it’s just a number, right?
But, 50.
How the hell did that happen? Assuming there isn’t a freak accident before then, it’s going to happen.
And what’s so bad about that? Why would I feel weird about 50?
Well, even in great health and with everything I’m doing to stay healthy now, I doubt I’m going to make it to 100. That means even now, I’m closer to the end game. Yes, I know each day I’m closer, but this number makes it more real. I’ve lived more life than I have yet to live.
And now I’ve become wiser, but I have less energy. I’m closer to my body starting to break down. Yes, we all age, but it doesn’t feel like it should be happening this soon. I still feel young damn it!
There are things I still want to do. Soon, they aren’t going to be easy to accomplish. As I get older, things will become harder to do. I don’t want that to happen.
Yes, I know I’m causing my own suffering by wanting things to be different. I’m only human after all.
I’ve actually started thinking harder about retirement. But, after the crash of 2008, we have nothing saved. Our house we bought then, was supposed to be our nest egg for retiring. Now instead, I may have to consider working at WalMart or such just to make it.
I guess if I look at it hard, I fear growing older. I fear having to work for much longer with a body that is going to start breaking down. I feel like a kid inside and want to keep jogging and biking and go-karting and ….well, everything I currently do, and more!
For some reason in my head, 50 feels like a benchmark number when I’m not supposed to be allowed to do these things. Instead of a fun car, I should buy a sedate sedan. Instead of traveling so much, I should settle down. Instead of enjoying a play or concert, I should put the money away so that I don’t have to work at WalMart when I retire.
When I tell new potential lovers that I’m about to turn 50, I kind of expect them to turn away, thinking I’m too old for them.
Ugh, 50, why do you haunt me so?

Though, it seemed to need to put this in writing so that I could see how silly I’m being. But, at the moment, I don’t feel silly…..I feel…..concerned? …..not sure what word to use for this feeling I have. Though, it’s ok. Like all things, I’ll see I’m causing my own suffering and will step back, become the observer, and change my way of thinking. It’s what I do.