Beloved One

Life in Review - Beloved One (possibly triggering)

Well, continuing to look at my life in review. I doubt I’ll do this every day, since I have some personal journaling to do as well. There are changes in my life right now that I need to process.

The card I drew today was:


Beloved One

Archangel Camuel: “I am helping you with your spiritual soulmate relationship.”

“Love is in and around you right now. You don’t need to search for it. Rather, by holding loving thoughts and conducting loving actions, you attract and manifest love in all aspects of your life. Call upon me to guide your thoughts and actions, to bring romance into your life. Converse with me regularly about your love life. I help you fall in love with your life, and heal and manifest wonderful relationships.”

Funny....lots of cards that are about bringing love into my life or actions that give love to others. This used to be something that I was very focused on when I first started on my healing path. It used to be very hard for me to love others. Simply because once you love someone, they have the power to hurt you. I had been hurt enough while growing up and didn’t want to give anyone a key to be able to hurt me again.

Even my children, I can remember them telling me they loved me and one night I told them to take it back. I felt unworthy of my own children’s love. That was one of those nights where I was so depressed that I just cried and cried and cried. My whole world was crashing. The last thing that I wanted to hear, or that I believed...was that someone loved me.

I’m assuming that all comes from the fact that my father was an ass and my main perp growing up. I’ve been having flashbacks again lately, oddly enough. And my mother made sure to let me know that I ruined her life by being born. She wanted to be a stewardess and getting pregnant ruined that for her. As an adult, I understand that that was her fault, not mine. But, as a child, to be pushed away all the time because I ruined her life...and to watch her spend time with my brother and give him so much attention ...knowing he was wanted....hurt.

There are times since being an adult that I feel pushed away by those I love. It’s a major trigger and I’ll detach to separate from the pain. I don’t mean to, but it’s how I get through it. I have to talk myself through the emotions so that I can see the reality of the situation instead of the emotions and actions that I perceive to be pushing away.

There are times that I search for love. I need to remember that it is already all around me. have to remember that it’s not a weapon. I have to reject everything I was brought up with. Dan was the first one to teach me that. He continues to teach me that. Experience is my only weapon against that particular trigger.

The rest is fortitude. I continue to put the next foot forward with the intent to love those around me. Love my family, love my friends, love all that are brought into my life by the Universe. Love is a choice. Love is an action.