Clinging

Letting Go of Clinging to the idea of Not Clinging

I was just listening to a podcast by Alan Watts, on Buddhism. He had a beautiful thought that really struck home with me.

What he said was a little story that basically said that we needed to stop clinging to the idea of not clinging. In other words, one way of relieving suffering is to stop clinging....to stuff, ideas, etc. ....but a student went to his teacher and said that he was suffering because he couldn’t stop clinging to things. He was not perfect at not clinging. His teacher pointed out to him that he was clinging to the idea of not clinging. What he needed to do was to stop clinging as much as he could and be happy with that. The goal is the ‘middle way’, not perfection.

This so resonates with me. The hardest time I had with poly was with the whole idea of the fact that I wasn’t perfect. I’m sure I’ve mentioned this in a previous blog entry, recently. But, obviously, I’m still processing it.

I believe that the biggest issue that I had with poly was the fact that it was so damn hard. How could something that involved so much love be so damn hard? Why was there so much jealousy? Why couldn’t I feel compersion all the time. I just wanted to be happy. I wanted my husband to be happy. I knew that we’d be together as long as we needed to be together. I knew that he loved me and I loved him and we created love together and had plenty to share. So, why was it so damn hard? Why couldn’t I be the enlightened poly one? Lords know I worked on it hard enough. But, it triggered me constantly.

My friends, my sister, my kids, my husband....they all paid the price of my sadness and my feeling of being lost, even if they didn’t know why I was sad and depressed and angry. I was constantly judging myself as less than because I couldn’t get to that place of enlightenment. I knew I was clinging to that whole concept, yet I couldn’t let it go. I was clinging to the idea that I shouldn’t be sad. I was clinging to the idea that I should be enlightened. I was clinging to the idea of being this white robed Goddess that only felt love for all. I was clinging to the idea of the fact that I shouldn’t be sad, angry, depressed. And that just made me suffer more. Then, I’d cling to the idea that I shouldn’t be suffering if I was truly enlightened.

My husband kept telling me to be ok where I was on my path. To be ok with the progress I had made. I understood what he was trying to say, but he had a horse in the race. It was going to be easier for him if I was happy, so wouldn’t he tell me anything to help me feel ok with where I was on the path? I don’t even know if my thinking went that deep. My thinking was, I wasn’t where I wanted to be. And nothing anyone was saying was making me feel any different.

Until one evening, I’m standing in the driveway with my daughter-in-law. She is part of my spiritual group, has been for years, that’s how she met my son. She has a lot of wisdom that pops out sometimes when I least expect it. During this conversation in the driveway, I was stressing once again about how I was so frustrated with myself. Here I was, clergy, a light worker, full of love and I just couldn’t get to where I wanted to be with compersion. I was feeling lost, and stupid and unworthy because of this failure to grow as a person and be on the other side of all this stuff. I should have blossomed and healed by this point in my journey.

She finally let her frustration show at my frustration with myself and simply stated....’You’d be so much happier if you’d just accept where you are on your path. You are no better than anyone else and that means that you aren’t perfect, as much as you’d like to be. Accept where you are and be ok with the speed that you are traveling on your journey. You may get to the other side, but obviously you aren’t supposed to be there now. Accept it.’

I don’t know if it was her words, or the fact that she finally showed her frustration or maybe it was because she gave me permission not to be the enlightened goddess I felt everyone expected me to be, especially me. I don’t know, but something clicked. And since then, I haven’t been clinging to the idea that I shouldn’t be clinging ......or that whole cycle.

polyamory2(5)

It was when that clicked for me, that I started designing my Phoenix Ritual. It was that evening that the Dark Night of the Soul started to dissipate. It was amazing. Funny thing is, she doesn’t remember that conversation. I remember it so clearly. The only explanation that I have is that she was channeling that evening.
Comments