Power Exchange and Disabilities

Recently, on our podcast, we interviewed a couple on M/s and Disabilities. It was a fabulous interview with some great people. I loved getting to know them on a deeper level.

Some of you may or may not know that when I mention M/s, I mean a power exchange relationship in the form of consensual Master and slave.

This topic actually struck pretty close and stepped on my toes a little. Not only have I had the various physical issues over the last 15 years....such as; elbow repair that had my arm out of commission for months, gall-bladder removal that had me down for a couple of weeks, cyst removal for a couple of weeks, knee tendon tear that had me down for awhile. Then, there are the minor things like colds, coughs, flu, stomach viruses, etc.

Each of these times have had their own challenges because they effect my service to my Master. They effect my power exchange relationship. They effect how i feel about myself as a slave. I have a really hard time during those down times. I’m glad I have a Master that just wants me to be well. He understands how unhappy I am that I can’t serve. He understands how hard it is for me to interview another slave that can take care of the house while I can’t. We’ve been through that more than a couple of times.

The process can be very emotional. I don’t want anyone taking care of his house but me. Yet, I want his house taken care of and I couldn’t do it. So, I would bite the bullet and let someone else help. But, then I would turn it on myself. I didn’t mean to. It’s just how I deal with disappointment.

I’d try not to let the tapes start. But, if the sickness lasted too long, I would start telling myself that he didn’t need me anymore. I know he can take care of himself. But, now I see him taking care of himself. Why would he want a slave? Maybe he’ll figure out that he likes having another person around or maybe she does it better and I’ll never be allowed to give service again.

He was also very good at taking care of me. I truly loved that part; how he could be my Master and still take care of his slave. In my book, that’s what makes a truly good Master....a truly good Man and partner. He would even tell me that he wouldn’t let me serve too early because he wanted me in shape to serve later.

If you aren’t wired to be submissive oriented or service oriented, this might not make sense. But, if you are.....

And if I was down for too long, like with my arm, ....
maybe he’ll want someone that doesn’t break so much. This is the one that really got me. Because I would then shift it from the physical to the emotional. Not only did I break myself physically, but I am broken emotionally.

Yep, the physical breaking was not as hard at the thought of how emotionally broken I can be. You see, I suffer from PTSD and depression. And if it’s allowed to gain hold, it can be a bear to break free from. Why would someone, especially a Master, want to be responsible for someone that can have random break downs? Flashbacks? Triggers? Fear issues? Rejection issues?

And then my head wonders how I can be at my best when these things happen. Because a physical thing is a known situation. Triggers can happen at any time over sometimes seemingly random things?

And how does a Master deal with them? You’ll have to ask Dan about that. He’s dealt with more than his fair share of these issues with me. But, he kept pushing me in the right direction to get help. He refused to walk on eggshells. The worst thing he could have done was to take away my service or submission to wait for things to get better. I need the structure of M/s. I need to know that my submission is valued. I need to know that the strength behind my submission is seen.

I need to be told to kneel when my emotions are out of control. Don’t walk on eggshells. Require the best that I have to offer. Some times it less than at other times. Sometimes I need a hug instead of a kick. Be strong in your caring and your guidance and your demand that I hold myself accountable for my actions.

I consider PTSD a disability. At least mine can be. But, I don’t want my disability to be seen first. Require my best, require me to rest when rest is needed. Require me to be transparent in my limitations. Don’t allow me to make excuses. Don’t allow me to wallow in my guilt and shame over something I can’t always control. Don’t allow me to react uncontrollably. Put me in timeout if needed. These triggered feelings can get totally out of control.

Remind me I am a reflection of You. Wanting to please you and have you proud of me is one of my motivators. Using this will speak to me.

This isn’t anything new to Dan. He has heard all of this before. This is me reminding me this is what I need. This is me being vocal when others that need the same treatment, don’t have the words.

I’m one of the lucky ones. Master Dan is is charge of me. He doesn’t allow the PTSD to be. Though he also realizes that he can’t ‘Dom’ an illness, so when it’s beyond His control, he sends me to someone that can help. Whether it’s a doctor or a counselor.

I was mentioning the other night that I used to be a bitch. Three people looked at me and said they couldn’t imagine that. Someone that understands my dynamic stated, ‘you’ve been broken down and rebuilt into something better, haven’t you’? My quick response was, ‘A couple of times’.

And it is so true, and each rebuilding gets better and better. Granted I do a lot of the work, but I have guidance and a support structure in my Master/Husband, that was truly provided by a power greater than me.

He helps me remember my inner light.