Eggshells

EggShells - Trigger Warning

For some reason, I woke up thinking about eggshells this morning. What I mean is, the walking on eggshells that people do to keep from hurting others feelings. I’m not sure what my dream was about, but someone must have been walking on eggshells around me or I was doing so around someone else.

I don’t like walking on eggshells, and I don’t like people walking on eggshells with me. I can clearly remember begging my Master/husband to never walk on eggshells around me. Be honest, be transparent. If I do something that offends or hurts feelings, tell me. And I want to be me, which means not having to guess how someone will take something and therefore not speaking it or doing it.

Why is this important to me? As an abuse survivor of an alcoholic father, my life was spent walking on eggshells. Don’t draw attention, don’t say anything that might piss him off. Don’t ask for opinions, don’t correct him if he says the sky is green. Don’t ask questions during movies, that could earn a moment of having to dodge a thrown item. Don’t give him a funny look when told to do something. Constantly be on guard as to how my tiniest movement, facial expression, action or word can be used as an excuse for him to take action.

I don’t want to live like that anymore. If I have to constantly over think everything I do, every action I take, every thought that I have....where is the authentic me? Where is the me that can just flow with the process? If my husband is always walking on eggshells around me, where is his authentic self? How can he flow? I don’t want to be the person that is perceived to be unbalanced enough where he has to tippie-toe with anything he does. That environment sucks from both sides.

It’s funny...I have more that I want to express...more that I’d like to put into words, but am not sure how to do so. Maybe it will percolate for a little while and then I’ll be able to figure out how to put it into words. No hiding. No pretending. ........
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