Fear

Shining the Light

I feel like I’ve been lacking in my blogging, but it’s hard to come up with things to talk about……

So what to talk about……

Today, I think I’ll write about the fear of someone finding out something about your past. Someone that you are in a deep, loving relationship with.

I’m growing in a relationship, and though I’ve shared absolutely everything with my husband, I haven’t shared everything with the newer relationship. Not that I’m hiding things, but haven’t seen the need. Are we supposed to be sharing everything with each other? We haven’t discussed that. Actually, we have such a difference of opinion on so many things, that we don’t always discuss heavy topics.

Well, over the weekend, we had a great time and a long car ride and train ride. So, we had a lot of time to talk about a lot of things. Which means we talked about a lot of deep stuff. And we talked about our feelings on the subjects even though they are so different.

One of the topics sent me spinning. He was so passionate with how he felt about a certain topic and how he felt about people that participated in it. Well, in my past, I participated in it. Well, we discussed it and then the topic changed before I could figure out how to tell him. I was scared. What if I mentioned it and he made an instant decision that we couldn’t be together? I love him. I don’t want to lose him. But, is it worth not telling him?

It’s not. I need to tell him. Then, he needs to make up his mind if it’s something that he can deal with. It’s scary. I was so triggered. I thought I had laid my guilt to rest over my actions of the past. I thought I had worked through it. But, what had happened was I had found a partner that understood my guilt and shame, and helped me work through it. If I have friends that would be against it, I just wouldn’t have them as friends anymore. Ummm, I take that back. I’m ok with someone being against it. Hell, in most situations I’m against it as well. But, in my situation, it was the right choice. ….but I wouldn’t have them as friends if they judged me.

I’m afraid of him judging me. I don’t know that I could handle that. But, living in that fear, is triggering itself. I have to tell him. I just have to make sure it’s not when I’m triggered. And I don’t want to assume how he’s going to react. That seems judgmental on my part as well and I don’t want to be that person.

So, I need to share. I need to shine a light on this. If I don’t, it will become part of my shadow again. That isn’t a good place for me to be. I have to fix this.

It’s scary. But, I can’t be in a relationship where I keep secrets out of fear.

Screen Shot 2015-10-14 at 9.20.39 PM

Comments

Mud Ninja



What was I thinking?


mabe-final-1_1gd copy
 
Yes, I’ve walked a half-marathon before. Yes, I’ve ran 2 5k’s at this point, and I’ve been to a personal trainer for over a year. But, this?
 
Every time I think about the obstacles, adrenaline starts pumping. I don’t like adrenaline. I have a fear of falling in the mud. I have a fear of not being able to make it through some of the obstacles. I have a fear of breaking my glasses. I have a fear of looking foolish.
 
I know we are just supposed to go have fun, and I will do my best. But, damn. I just don’t know that I can do what I required with the upper body strength. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been in my life, and I’ve lost 90 pounds over the years. But, I still can’t do a pull-up. I still have to pull up a little over 200 pounds to do some of this stuff. I just don’t think I can do it.
 
I want to look at the video again, but a guy here at work says I should just go and have fun and stop stressing about the event.
 
People are asking me if I’m ready for tomorrow, and my response is that I’m looking forward to the nap that is going to happen in the afternoon.
 
The mud doesn’t bother me except for the slipperiness. The running part doesn’t bother me, because I know I can slow to a walk. But, the obstacles. If I decide to walk across a log and then freeze in the middle, who is coming to get me? No one, because there is a mud pit below me!
 
At this point, I’m hoping that it’s enjoyable enough so that I can maybe do it again next year with a much better idea of what to expect.
 

Laugh. Katie says my only requirement to be on the team is that I laugh. Here’s hoping I can accomplish that. 
Comments

Mud Ninja


MudNinja_pplogo


I can feel the fear in the pit of my stomach.

Recently, we were invited to do the ‘Mud Ninja’. I actually find this idea a little terrifying. Yes, I can walk a half marathon. Yes, I can jog a 5k. Yes, I’ve lost almost 90 pounds in the last 10 years. But, the ‘Mud Ninja’….. I watched the youtube video and it’s a lot of upper body strength stuff or jumping across pits.

I’m not sure I’ve lost enough weight to do that. Even after a full year of working with my personal trainer, I’m not sure that I have the strength. The person that invited us, specifically says…..” And if you can't do a single pull-up, it might not be fair to expect us to pull you over every obstacle we come to.” I totally agree with that, but I know that I can’t do a pull-up, and don’t know if I ever will be able to.

So, can I do this? It would definitely give me a goal to work towards, though I’m working on spending up my time for running a 5k as it is. Can I work on both? I’m not sure. And I was just getting comfortable with giving up my trainer. I don’t know that I can prep for an event like this one, without his help.

Honestly, I don’t want to be the ‘big girl’ being pointed at. Logically, I know that won’t happen, but emotionally it’s a different story.

Though, there is a child inside of me that thinks this would be fun. In the past, I’ve been too big to allow that child to come out and play. She would be disappointed and in the end, humiliated. But, maybe it’s time to move past that.

But, I’m almost 48. What am I thinking of? Then again, if not now, when?

And mud. Lots of mud. I’ve done that before when I got to stay and play on Great Fox Island in the Chesapeake Bay in Jr. High while attending a summer camp. But, we were playing and hiking through the mud. This event will be about trying to get through mud pits and walking logs, and ….mud.

maxresdefault

At least their won’t be fiddler crabs and fish eggs/poo in the this mud. I hope.

It’s time to train.

This event is at the end of July. That gives me 3 ½ months to train. Strength training for this event and working on my speed for running the 5k. Should be interesting, since I’ll have to work on my eating as well.



Comments

The Goddess Box


goddess41

Today, I finally completed another goal on my ‘101 in 1001’ day’s goal list. It’s been on my list forever. Mainly because I had this image in mind of what I wanted, but don’t have the skill to make something along the lines of what I envisioned.

It’s a Goddess Box.

Because of what I have in mind to do with it, I wanted something smoky and mystical. Painted or multi-media type stuff. But, I’m in need of one at the moment before I have a nervous breakdown. So, I’m been percolating ideas. I finally thought about using a tarot card to make the top of the box. I wasn’t sure which tarot card, but not the one that I currently had on my altar. I had gotten that one from twisted tryst last year and had hoped to repurpose it, but after studying it, it just didn’t feel right. Actually, what felt right was the ‘Fool’ card and the ‘World’ card. They are the ones that show motion.

Here are a couple of meanings that spoke to me:


fool

The Fool:

The Fool is always an indicator of newness; as well as the purity and open-hearted energy of a child. This is generally considered a positive card, with the caveat that it's important to take time to be sure that you are "looking where you're going."

Other people may not understand or support your new ideas and/or proposals, but if you know that you're right, press ahead, and try to help them to understand where you are coming from. This sometimes will indicate finding a new position - or even that the time could be right for you to "go off on your own" and start your own business.

In terms of finances, the Fool is an extremely positive significator. You can expect increase, and furthermore, you will find it in yourself to know that no matter what happens financially, that you will be all right and will "come out on top." Trust yourself, work hard, and you will do better than you expect.


tdworld


The World:


The World can signify that you are figuratively feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders, which is not an easy place to be. It's an excellent time to review how well you do at "asking for help" when you need it. Remember you don't have to do everything on your own.

This can often be a card of completion. You've worked hard, and you are almost to the "finish line" in some way. Don't quit now that you're almost finished! You're almost definitely in need of some well deserved rest and relaxation; don't be afraid to take it. You are getting closer to "who you really are," at your deepest levels.

If money has been a bit stagnant for you - this is a good sign that this "blockage" will soon break and you'll find yourself "flush" once again. Don't go mad with spending, when it breaks, though. This is an important time to begin saving and protecting yourself so that if hard times come again, that you'll be ore prepared. But for now, you should be able to rest easier about money.

Perfect!

What is a Goddess Box?

For me, a Goddess Box is a place where I can ‘Let Go and Let Goddess’. In other words, it’s where I can drop my fears with situations, my grief, my annoyances…..anything that is in the way of me being happy….anything that is occupying my thoughts way too much……and give them to the Goddess to take care of.

I write these items on a piece of paper, kiss them good-bye and ask the Goddess to take care of them as I put the slips of paper into the box.

I used to have one of these, and then figured that I was strong enough to deal with anything that came my way on my own. I forget how empowering it is to give my problems to the Universe. To surrender to the experiences that I’m experiencing. Being the observer (a Buddhist concept) only goes so far for me on some days, when my life becomes overwhelming. I have to do something physical.

Last night, I created the Goddess Box and put it on my altar.

It doesn’t look anything like I imagined. Instead of handcrafted, smoky and mystical….it’s a round, mass-marketed printed cardboard with green designs and flowers. But, it spoke to me. Then, I took black magic marker and wrote “Fool -> World” around the rim of the lid. And added “Let Go and Let Goddess” on the bottom. And somewhere on it, I wrote “I release my fears”.

This morning, I blessed the box and dedicated it to the Goddess, with the intent of releasing my fears, so that I could let go of the issue. Then, I sat on the couch and really thought of what I’d like to let go and let the Goddess work on. She has more time than me anyway, and knows what my next step should be.

I thought there was only 3 things I needed to let go. Nope. I’d been repressing some stuff it seems. And 7 pieces of paper later, each kissed and placed in the box, I was feeling a little better because I had taken a step to work through this depression, instead of telling myself that I shouldn’t be depressed.

I’ll take a picture of the box and add it here.

But, I’m feeling a little better.

Comments

Fear of Losing Weight


best-way-to-lose-weight-1 copy

I know I’ve written about this before. But, for many years I’ve known that I’ve been scared to lose weight.

I used to joke about how my weight was my armor. And the night I asked a kiniesiologist what my problem was with the fact that I couldn’t lose weight…she was able to pinpoint how I used it as armove because of the abuse I exposed to as a child. (of course, this experience with her was the catalyst that threw me into the fire of my healing path)

Fast forward to last night. I was looking through some paperwork that I had stored in my black cube in the livingroom, looking for my folder from last years taxes. Instead, I came across old journals and old guided meditations, among some other interesting papers that I’m going to scan. In these journals was my fear journal that I used to keep. This journal is from 2005.

Funny, I was just talking about that journal at work, because the main fear I wrote about was my fear of guns. In this fear journal, I had a picture of a gun, I wrote about how I witnessed my parents fighting over one, and there was also a receipt for the concealed course I took so that I could learn how to face my fear. Great stuff to re-read.

Then, I went to the next entry. It was about my weight and how my next fear to punch through was losing weight. I did some free form writing in that journal and wrote about how I knew it was time to work on it, because I had been in a restaurant recently and when I went the bathroom, there was a little Japanese women going in in front of me. She looked at me as if to say, ‘American women, so glutonus with no control over their eating.’ And my thought was, ‘well at least I don’t look like a little girl’. And how that threw up a red flag as to what my issue was, once again. It was a physical reaction when it happened. It was time to realize that I’m not a little girl anymore and that I can protect myself from the predators out there.


That was in 2005 when I was probably at my highest weight. 298. It was soon after that , that I developed a gluten intolerance that kept me from eating well for a couple of years. It took that long to figure out what was going on with my stomach, and during that time I lost about 30 pounds, which was the beginning of my current weight loss streak. In the past 10 years, I’ve lost 87 pounds and have walked a half-marathon, and am currently training to run a 5k.


I highly recommend walking through fears.


Comments