Gratitude

Gratitude

It’s easier to write about something when it’s something that I’m currently dealing with in my life. But, I’d like to get into the mode of writing about things that I think about too……qadishtu thoughts, poly, being present in my life, recovery, buddhism, the Goddess path, love, abundance….

But, I think I’m going to write about gratitude again tonight. I mentioned to my husband this morning that I wrote about gratitude last night and he automatically thought that it was about gratitude for my progress in my healing path. Well, honestly, I hadn’t thought of that. It was gratitude for the people I have in my life. But, it made me think of how grateful I am for my progress.

Last night is a great example. Someone said something that totally had me wanting to be very loud with telling her how wrong she was. And that she should be saying something that wasn’t true. Old Dawn would have done that in a heartbeat and then regretted it later. Instead, I recognized how it made me feel, recognized that it had totally triggered me, allowed myself to be frustrated with that fact that I was triggered….and then didn’t take action.

That was the main key for me, I didn’t take action. This is clearly a result of breaking a habitual pattern. It wasn’t so obvious with the first thing she said that triggered me, or the second thing she said…..but the third thing she said was so horrific (in my mind) that I physically had to clamp my mouth shut and make a decision not to say anything. I could feel my body wanting to stand up and call her out. But, I also realized that what she was saying was probably only triggering to me, and she was being unskillful in her use of words and descriptions and judgements. She was not trying to be harmful and probably didn’t even realize the effect it was having on me and some other people in her audience.

Now, some might ask, shouldn’t I have spoken up? I even asked myself, shouldn’t I have spoken up and protected myself and potentially others? Well, as I explained to Dan this morning, if I was coming from a calm place, yes. But, since I was coming from a triggered space and my way of handling it would have caused more harm then good, no, I shouldn’t have spoken up. I was triggered and what I would have said would not have helped the situation.

For me, this is the idea of breaking habitual patterns. Instead of falling into an old habit that has caused me regretful suffering in the past, I felt the point where a decision could be made in my reaction and took the path the I’m not used to taking.

Now that I’m more settled, I can write her and ask her to do her research before making a blanket statement like that. Or decide not to write her because I don’t need to.

To me, this is growth. I’ve been known to walk out of presentations before that made me feel that way. And I didn’t really care what the presenter thought with my departure. It was about taking care of me and wanting to hurt them the way they hurt me. Then, later when the trigger collapsed, I’d be regretful with how I behaved and kicking myself for letting an emotion control my reaction.

Growth. Lots of growth. Lots of suffering experienced before I allowed growth to happen. Lots of work. Lots of pain. Lots of facing fears. 15 years of actively working on a healing path the hard way, by tackling shit by the horns and staring it in the eye.

So, I’m grateful for the opportunities that the Universe has provided me with. Opportunities to learn new skills. Opportunities to meet more people with new skills to share with me.

I’m grateful for myself and the hard work I’ve done. I could have easily decided not to live the life I have chosen and taken the easy route. Well, it’s not so easy actually because if you don’t work on this stuff, it becomes your shadow and controls your actions anyway.

Since I didn’t want my shadow to be in charge of my actions anymore, I chose to live the life that brings all my crap up. Poly, Power Exchange, Sacred Sexuality, BDSM…being a presenter that talks about all this stuff, writing about all this stuff, sharing stories, …..I face my shadow almost daily and shine a light on it. Boo!
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