Growth

Being Watched

I had an odd experience over the weekend while at an alternative ‘adult’ event….someone watched me, and i felt it….and it was a good feeling.

I’m sure this happens to people all the time, but not to me. Though I’m an energy worker, I usually can’t feel people watching me, and I’m sure it’s because my walls are up or because people don’t watch me.

Large people are rarely noticed in a non-creepy, non-objectified sexual way. What I mean by that is that there are very few people that have Qadishti Eyes, seeing all people as God/desses. If large people are looked at in a sexual way it’s usually because someone has a fetish for large people, or because it’s believed that large people are desperate and therefore an easy catch.

So, I block the energy of those kinds of looks and it doesn’t leave a lot of other opportunities to feel the stare. But, it also keeps me from feeling any fear at looks that I may get.

Friday night I was wearing a red satin dress and I felt someone staring at me. My walls were down on purpose because we had been running the Scarlet Sanctuary all night and they are usually down for that. So, as I walked through the social area I felt a buzz over my skin. I looked and it was Steve, someone I knew. I glanced at him and he was still watching me walk away. I had to ask. Turned around and went back to him.

‘Are you watching me?’

‘I am. Wow that dress.’

‘Huh. I’m not used to feeling someone watching me. That’s actually pretty cool. Thank you. ‘

I gave him a smile and a hug and went back to the Sanctuary with a smile on my face.

It’s a shame that I have to lose weight to get the looks, but I’m also pretty excited that his state didn’t scare me. That would have been the case many years ago. I spent a lot of energy camouflaging myself so that I couldn’t be seen or noticed. If you aren’t noticed, you can’t be hurt.

Anyway, so this is just a reflection that all my walking is paying off and someone else used Qadishti Eyes with me and it felt really yummy. :)

My thought used to be that I didn’t care if someone noticed me or not, that the ones that wanted to get to know me would look beyond the size. Instead, it’s people that are into the size that notice me. So, I’m missing out on a lot of opportunities.

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I’m feeling pretty good. Strong. Sexy. Confident. Able to take care of whatever happens. Let’s see what happens now.

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