Post Op - 7 weeks

And that’s pretty much what I did. Now, though I’m still stiff and numb and sore; I’m at work full-time, I’m driving, I can reach things on the floor and am healing pretty well. I still can’t lay down in bed or sit up in bed without rolling to my side. I hurt myself when I sneeze. It’s hard to get in and out of the car. I can’t lift things. But, all in all, things are going well.

I do have a hole in my side. I ended up with a hot spot and nothing we were doing was working. So, the doc cut a 2 inch slit in my side and packed it with gauze. That seems to have done the trick, but he doesn’t want to sew it shut. I have to pack it for the next couple of weeks until it heals from the inside out. That’s a bit frustrating because it means I can’t start exercising yet. But, that’s ok, I probably shouldn’t be anyway.

It was kind of neat to come to work where people hadn’t seen me since before the surgery. It is a major difference. I like seeing the shocked look.

You know, for someone that used to not turn on their turn signal when she first started driving because it meant that people would notice her, I’ve really come a long way. I like to be noticed now. I like being the center of attention as long as it’s not for negative reasons. I don’t camouflage so well anymore. I don’t feel the need. Huh, that’s part of the reason why I felt I was ready for this surgery. When you do things like this, you need to be ready to be noticed.

I’m looking forward to going to Kinky & Geeky on Friday night. I plan on dressing sexy even though I can’t do any naughty play. Well, nothing too physical anyway.

I can’t wait until Winter Wickedness, where it will be the first time some people see me since the surgery. I assume I will be the center of attention for a little while, and plan to dress to empress.

I just wrote my friend that had this surgery about 6 years ago. I can see why she likes to dress up at events now. Just looking at all the stuff I can wear has me excited. It’s going to be so much fun to put together outfits. Things I could only dream about before.

Though, I have a different problem now…..i’m top heavy. Which means I have to totally change the way I dress. It used to be short shirts with flowy skirts, and long shirts with pants. Now I can wear short shirts with pants……but haven’t quite figured out how to wear skirts yet, and skirts used to be my staple. Today I wore a knee length skirt, leggings, knee hi boots and a baggy sweater. The bagginess is to cover the tire that I’ve always had since the weight loss, under my boobs, which is now more prominent because of the slimmer hips. It’s a little frumpy looking. I’d hate to give up my skirts. 
Wow….hard to believe I’m coming up on 7 weeks post op. I can remember being a few days before the operation and being nervous because it was a major surgery, and being nervous because of recovery time, but also recognizing that time would zip by and all I needed to do was hold on and wait.


Joy of Poly - Introvert vs. Extrovert


Joys of Poly
Introvert vs Extrovert

Last Saturday night, I tagged along with my boyfriend and his wife to a poly social event. Part of me was excited to be trying something new, but the other part of me was nervous because I wasn’t sure if I’d know anyone. It was a lot of fun, but I didn’t know most of the people there, which means I was very uncomfortable to begin with. Some people knew me, though I didn’t recognize them, so I wasn’t sure who to introduce myself to…..not that I’m comfortable with introducing myself anyway.

So, as in introvert that likes to study people, including herself, I decided to watch my actions in such a setting. D’art and Michele had been there before, so knew some of the people. I decided to tag along with D’art, though I did make sure to do some things by myself. I would tag along with him to the smoking porch a couple of times, but stayed in a rocking chair we decided to camp out in for most of our time there.

He made it very comfortable for me to be there. I sat with him, and we took turns in the comfy chair. People would come over and talk to me, or when I ended up on the porch by myself, I ended up having a great conversation there with a guy named Adam.

It was fun watching one guy tell the girl that was rubbing his back, that he was an introvert and her response was ‘oh goodie, I’m an extrovert and I like making introverts uncomfortable.’ She was joking but it was neat watching them interact jokingly with each other. Honestly though, she was a cutey and I would have loved for her to pick on this introvert like that. She would have gotten some purrs for sure. (especially with the mood I’ve been in for the last few days)

We had a lot of fun. I wish there had been an opening on the couch though so that we could have snuggled. But, that probably would have gotten us in trouble with the PG-13 police.

So, as an introvert, I noticed that I did much better sitting on the floor or in the comfy chair and talking with one person at a time. I also did well out on the porch talking to one person. But, at the beginning of the evening when I walked into the house behind Michele and no one was introducing me around…not so good. If I had gone on my own, I wouldn’t have lasted more than a half hour of standing around awkwardly eating potluck foods, standing by myself.

I have to remember to make a point to reach out to other introverts that are sitting or standing by themselves. The bad point is, I saw two people doing this, and I had the idea of going up to them and talking, but I had no clue what to say or how to start a conversation. If it was my event, it would have been easier. ‘Welcome’ or ‘ I’m dawn and this is my home’. But, as someone that had never been there before, I’m not sure how to say ‘hi’ and keep a conversation going. Isn’t that weird?

All in all though, it was a great time. I’m sorry to hear that they won’t be doing many more because they don’t like that many people in their home. I would have loved to have brought Dan.


Introvert does not equal Broken

One of the things that I’ve really been paying attention to lately, are the signs of me being an introvert. Some of these things I want to fix, some I’m working on, and some I’m ok with keeping.
The thing that I have to remember is that I’m not broken. When I’m driving to someone’s house for the weekend by myself, and I’m wanting to turn around and just go home and be by myself…’s ok. Do I do it? Well, I have. This time I didn’t. I knew that if I went home, I’d beat myself up for making the decision to turn around, and for being home by myself when I know that’s the worst thing I could do while he is gone.
During my time there, I found that I wasn’t peppy. I wasn’t ‘on’. I was able to be me, and that meant being quiet and just listening most of the time. Though Katie would ask me direct questions and we’d have discussions…for the most part I was just quiet dawn, and I loved it. I didn’t have to entertain anyone and they didn’t feel like they needed to entertain me. Introverts, hosting an introverts. They actually had another friend there that was more introverted and shy than me.
Then, it was off to Dayton. Again, feeling like I just wanted to go home, regardless of the fact that I really wanted to see my boyfriend. Then, I get there and it’s all the family. Though I’m slowly getting to know them, and they make me feel truly comfortable, sometimes I just want to stand on the sidelines. This time, they wouldn’t let me. All of us gathered in the living room. D’arts son helped him move the loveseat so that D’art and I could see the TV. Then, it was Michele and her boyfriend, Robert and his wife, Anthony, the 3 dogs and D’art and me. I curled up with D’art, didn’t participate in much of the conversation and enjoyed the family movie.
It’s funny, because I do compare myself to others. I imagine Drew and Trina visiting Kevin and Katie and being friendly and energetic. I imagine that this is what Kevin and Katie want from someone visiting them. Then, I imagine D’arts ex-girlfriends. I imagine them, Kris and Xtine, being all funny and friendly, loud, extroverted, bearing gifts for everyone….and I wonder if they see me as lacking. The quiet one.
This is where I want to just be me. Let me be quiet. Don’t expect a bundle of energy. I want to be accepted for who I am at the moment.
Sometimes I’m all giggles, but I’d rather it be natural and not pretend.

So, there are a couple of things I’m working on. A couple of things that I’d like to work on later. And then there are a couple of things that I’m totally ok with, in myself. Like everyone, I could use some tweeking. But, I’m not broken. 

An Introverted Qadishtu

Introverted Thinkers

Recently, I’ve discovered the word ‘introvert’ and it explains a LOT about my personality/quirks. I’ve known about this word, of course, and I’ve believed I’m an introvert because I was shy. Then, when I lost most of my shyness, I started to believe I was a shy extrovert. I wasn’t as shy as I used to be, painfully shy, but I wasn’t as outgoing as other extroverts, so that left me with being a shy extrovert. But, that still didn’t seem to fit. I was enjoying being home by myself more and more. I still don’t like staying at someone’s house over a hotel. I still don’t like doing things with big groups of people. I do like being on stage instead of part of the crowd. I still feel very awkward when being introduced to the new boyfriend’s friends and family.
We’ve talked about our introverted selves with others that are introverts. But, some of the quirks of a introvert, I’ve never connected with my personal quirks. I’ve actually been looking at my quirks as character flaws for years. And have gotten very frustrated that I can’t seem to fix them. For example, I’m not a social butterfly. I don’t like having small talk with a bunch of different people. I’d much rather have deep, intense conversations. That means that I come across as a quiet, deep person instead of a happy, go-lucky person. This can be frustrating when you want to be seen as a ‘white-light, hestia-filled, welcome-to-my-space’ sort of person.
I’m very protective of my space and of my friends, now I know why. I have no interest in having a large group of friends, now I know why. I like to be a leader/teacher, now I know why. I like quiet time, now I know why. I feel very uncomfortable in a group of people that I don’t know, now I know why. I will stand off to the side and watch when I’m thrown into a new situation, now I know why. Not being able to talk to others while I’m in ‘service mode’, is heavenly for me, now I know why.
So, how does being an introvert come into play with being a Qadishtu? Well, to work with others and to help with their healing, means I have to put myself out there. This is not a comfortable place for me. When I talk to someone about being a Priestess for a ritual for them, it can become uncomfortable if I don’t know them, simply because I have to spend time getting to know them before designing a ritual. I had to do that last Wednesday as I talked to someone that responded to my fetlife post about wanting to be a Priestess Top. She wants a ritual at an event this weekend, and that meant I had to sit with her and get to know what she was looking for. We started with small talk. I almost closed the conversation to tell her I wasn’t interested, when she started with the deeper stuff. That’s when I was able to engage.
So, rituals have to be deep for me. I’ve tried to do a ritual for someone that didn’t go deep, and it doesn’t work for me and I don’t think I’d try it again.
Scarlet Sanctuary works for me, because I don’t have to converse with people. I’m the High Priestess and therefore I set the tone of the evening by creating sacred space. I get to give sacred touch to about 10 people during the evening, but I don’t have to if I don’t want to. We’ve set up the sanctuary to have at least 6 givers, sometimes as many as 10 trained people join us.
I do have to take care of myself after these rituals and after an evening of Scarlet Sanctuary. I’m not someone that can give all night and then go play in the dungeon. The giving is amazingly awesome, but it totally drains me. It’s the same as when I do Reiki. Reiki is supposed to energize you, but I’m still giving of my time and energy to channel the energy, therefore I’m exhausted afterwards.

So,., though I am a Qadishtu Priestess, and love to help people through rites of passage and opportunities for transformation, I’m also an introvert that has to continuously work at putting herself out there and making herself available. I wish I could change some of these quirks, but if it’s a choice of standing off to the side and watching, vs doing something with someone where I’m not completely comfortable, I’ll take the standing off to the side and watching. But, it’s not who I want to be, so I constantly push myself, so that I can facilitate change in others whom request my help. 


Stepping out of my shell

Well, I stepped out of my comfort zone yesterday and decided to do something with the ‘poly pod’. Why do i call it the ‘poly pod’? Well, i’m not comfortable with ‘family’, as my kids and granddaughter are my ‘family’. i like ‘tribe’ and ‘clan’ except that some of us don’t really interact with others of us, and some are new to the mix. So, ‘poly pod’ just seemed to pop into my head. i’m sure i’ve heard of it somewhere recently.


Doing all of this research on introverts had me thinking that i really do need to work at nurturing relationships. So, let’s do a potluck with all of us. And that’s what i’ve put together. That way none of have to decide who to spend time with. bat has her new girlfriend down, Karen it dating someone new, i’d like to spend time with my boyfriend but don’t want to leave my husband or his wife behind, and i’m betting Dan likes having his girls all together. A potluck sounded like a good idea.

It’s going to be food....and boardgames, on neutral territory. Well, neutral for the most part since Dan and i own the space. But, it’s not specifically someones house where anyone would feel like a guest instead of a peer.

Part of me is looking forward to it....part of me already wants to go hiking in the woods.


An Annoyance of Introverts


An annoyance of Introverts

  • Never displaying enthusiasm We're low-key, sure. But it's so deflating to bounce up to someone with good news and get "That's nice." Put some oomph into your attaboys (and attagirls). And in group activities, try to look like you're having fun if you are. You don't have to plaster on a grin, but at least think enthusiastic thoughts. They'll probably show in your demeanor.
I’m sure this can be an annoyance for my husband, boyfriend, kids and friends. I don’t bounce up and down if they give me good news. But, if the good news is by text or email, I’ve learned how to put smiley faces and exclamation points in it, so that it looks enthusiastic. In person, it’s just very hard for me to bring forth that kind of energy.

Understanding this, can minimize resentment in a relationship. If you have great news and are expecting an outburst from your introverted partner, you may not get what you are looking for. So, try telling your extroverted friends to get the response you need, to balance the response from your introverted ones.

Someone shared some amazing news a few weeks ago and though I gave her a smile and a ‘congratulations’….feeling joy for her inside of me, thinking I was radiating it to her….it was the bouncing, arms spread wide, ‘congratulations’ from an extroverted friend that she truly appreciated. At that moment, I truly wondered what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I be happy for this person. Well, I was happy. So, why couldn’t I physically have that response that fed her? Because it’s not who I am.

I just have to remember that it doesn’t mean I’m broken.

Do I want to change? I’m not sure.

When I started riding the high school bus in jr. high…a high school friend tried to get me to sit in the back of the bus with them. Even though I knew them all, the idea terrified me. They were horsing around and having a great time. I felt much more comfortable sitting in the front of the bus by myself. I didn’t like sharing my seat with other people either. Some thought this was because I was snobby or strange. Add to it that I was in the gifted classes and they thought that meant that I thought I was better than them. Fortunately, I was nice to them when I could bring myself to interact, so I lost the snobby label.

But, even though I wished I was like the funny others, and the ones that joked around in class, it wasn’t to be. Add to it that I was being abused at home, and I turned into the person that learned not to draw attention to herself. I actually blamed that on the reason I didn’t interact with others, and if I could just get over that after growing up, it would be a sign that I had recovered from the abuse.

Once doing all this research on being an introvert, I may just have to accept that fact that that is who I am.

There is no ‘fixing’ because there is no ‘broken’.

I’m not shy anymore. Though I used to be painfully shy (which is not the same as introverted, but it was layered with it). So, now I’m a not shy, introvert.

This means that I can participate in events, interact with others, run my own meditation center, present, produce events, run workshops, etc. etc. But, I like time by myself, or more especially with my husband even if we are just working on our computers together. 


Being an Introvert

By jove….I think I’m an introvert!
OK….as a child, I already knew this. Though, I liked being around my cousins and my brother, I was never comfortable around new people. If my parents got a new friend and brought them around, it took me awhile to warm up to them. Even now, it’s hard for me to make close friends and I mourn their loss when they decide to walk away. I have a lot of people that I know, from around the country and even around the world. But, not too many that I would call close friends. And it’s deep friendships and relationships that I crave.

I’m not that bubbly person that some of us envy. I’ve tried. I’ve had people in my life ask me to try. After about 20 minutes it wears me out and I need to go hide. It’s not that I’m depressed, most days. It’s that I don’t get small talk or surface conversation. I want to go deep and that usually throws people off. I’ve been called ‘too intense’ before. Though, that can draw some people in, but then they are all in my business and I only want to share what I’m comfortable with sharing…regardless of the fact that I share private stuff in our book, on our podcast and during our presentations. I’m still in control of what I share. And if you ask me something that I haven’t offered, if I answer it usually takes me a second or two to decide what I want to share.

So, I may be writing about being an introvert quite a lot over the next few days as Master and I work on writing a workshop in being poly and introverts. Should be interesting as I process stuff.

Here is a list of 21 dating problems introverts have to deal with....and many of these resonate with me.


1. Not immediately texting someone back because you’re scared of saying something stupid or looking too needy, and then forgetting to text them back altogether.

I do this all the time. I don’t like to answer right away without thinking, and when I do I usually text the wrong thing, or don’t put a smiley or something. So, I think about it. Same with emails and then I forget to write back and people take it personally or think I’m being irresponsible. That’s not my intent.

2. Wanting to just spend time next to someone, where each of you are doing your own thing, and having them mistake that for being “distant” or not wanting to be with them.

Dan and I both do this all the time. We have things to do, but someone wants to spend time with us. We invite them over and then tell them to bring a laptop or a book, something to keep themselves occupied. When we are interviewing a new person to be collared, this is one of the tests that we put them through. They must be able to sit with us and entertain themselves. If they can’t do this, the relationship isn’t going to work.

3. Having a minor anxiety attack before your first date because you do not feel quite ready to deal with people but you didn’t want to cancel at the last minute.

This happens to me all the time. It almost happened just the other day when I met a girl interested in dating. All the way up until the time to meet, I thought to cancel. I had no interest in trying to do small talk. But, I’ve been cancelled on, and it just seems rude to do to someone else.

4. Meeting someone online and enjoying talking to them so much that you almost don’t want to ruin it with your awkward “in-person” personality.

I don’t do well online either. I make myself flirt and reply and it all sounds exciting...but then when it’s time to meet someone I really don’t want to let them down with my real personality.

5. Having a really amazing and fulfulling relationship with someone very long-distance, where no one understands why you’re not more upset that you don’t get to spend more “quality” time with them.

I haven’t run across this one yet. Though, I do have high school friends that I can go years without seeing, and be ok with it. I love them dearly, but don’t need to talk with any regularity.

6. Double dates (shudder).

It would have to be with a couple that can entertain themselves. We have done a cruise with a couple that are friends, but we all agree up front that if we told each other to get lost, none of us would take it personally.

7. Having a really good date that ends badly because you both decided to go to a really loud, crowded bar and it totally drains you within ten minutes.

This has happened to me before. I keep thinking it will be a good idea and will end better than the last time I tried it. It never is and I feel like a failure.

8. Meeting all of the new SO’s friends for the first time and having to be “on” for an entire night.

I had to do this recently. The idea terrified me. I tried to stay near my boyfriend without giving any clue that I was in a relationship with him. No looks, no touching. But, I needed to be near him, because that’s when I felt safe. I had no interest in being inside and having to talk to people I didn’t know. It was easier sitting out on the porch and listening to everybody chat with each other. I could blend in without having to participate. Perfect environment.

9. Falling in love with someone who really likes to go out and having to try and explain to them every time that it’s not them, and it’s not their friends, it’s just that you can’t always be going out and still keep your sanity.

I haven’t run across this...I don’t think.

10. Being constantly asked “what’s wrong?” “are you okay?” and “why are you so quiet?” on dates.

I just had this happen the other night. I’ve tried to explain to him that I’m an introvert, but that’s probably hard to believe because of the podcast, events and presenting that I do.

11. Wishing there was an OKCupid specifically for introverts.

12. Not having people understand that just because you’re a little more reserved or quiet in social situations does not mean that you don’t enjoy sex or are a total prude in the bedroom — an assumption that people make more than you think they would.

I’ve got this one covered. I don’t think anyone thinks that I’m a prude at this point.

13. Meeting your SO’s family and hoping that they’re not going to be the kind of people who get on your case about wanting to just read a book in a corner for a while.

14. Texting with someone and trying to explain that you do want to see them, that you just can’t right now because you really need to recharge, and knowing that they’re going to take it badly and misunderstand.

15. Being referred to as the “quiet one” by their friends.

This happened to me all the time growing up.

16. Having your SO be genuinely surprised that, yes, you do have a group of friends and, yes, you do go out and do stuff sometimes.

17. Having to dance in front of people.

This idea absolutely mortifies me. They tried to get me to play dance dance revolution in front of people that I don’t know (except the boyfriend and his wife). You couldn’t get me up there with any amount of coaxing. For no amount of money

18. Going to weddings together where a) the pressure of “when are you two getting married?” is on full-force and b) it’s like 10 straight hours of socializing with a bunch of people you don’t know.

19. Inviting them over for the first time and having them ask about all of your things (and realizing that you’re really defensive over your things, like your book collection or your little nook by the window).

I’ve had this happen with the last two boyfriends and those that He has collared. I don’t like people asking me about my book collection and such. I’ve never understood it, but have always felt defensive.

20. Wishing that you could explain what being an introvert really means on a date without coming across like you’re weird or want to feel special.

21. Realizing that you might always be the “quiet one” when it comes to dating, and that there isn’t much you can do about it except hope that the world becomes more accepting. (Or maybe even that you find someone who’s just as “weird” and “quiet” as you are.)