Poly

Poly Tools for the Win

We have a lot going on at the moment…..

My husband is getting ready to make some significant changes with one of his girlfriends…..i’m thinking about making changes with one of my girlfriends. He showed me pics of him and the girlfriend that is also my girlfriend and told me about some of their stuff. i worked on the packing list for my husbands cruise that he has planned with his third girlfriend, and i’ve got a date set up with someone new…..plus while my husband is on a cruise, i’m going away for the weekend with my boyfriend. ….. and have been thinking about inviting his wife to join us.

Crazy stuff……

And yet….neither of us has ‘pinged’ or become triggered. i’m thinking of inviting my boyfriend out to breakfast in the morning….so that we can talk about some of this stuff. But, i don’t think it will be a big deal for him.

Poly Tools for the win.

Though, i must admit that part of the reason i haven’t become triggered is because of all the lovely time that my husband and i have spent together. He’s made me feel so wanted and cherished. How can i not support him in what makes him happy?

It’s when i don’t feel like i’m being put first….or even considered….or have enough time with him that i get triggered and fear that he will push me away.

So far….even with all these relationships…i’m doing ok.

It’s a great feeling. I actually feel full, in a good way.
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A Joy of Poly ....Adventure

A joy of poly

As some of you might have read, I want to a kink party Saturday night and followed it up by going to a swingclub. At this swing club, i was part voyeur and part exhibitionist; masturbating in the big room where there were about 20 fucking in different arrangements.

Why is this a joy of poly? Well, I told both partners that I was going. Well, one is my power exchange partner, so I asked permission, and the other one I gave a heads up to. They were both encouraging and told me they wanted stories if anything naughty happened. They said this with a smile, practically pushing me to experience what I could.

To me, that’s a joy of poly. If either of them were feeling jealous, I knew they would speak up and tell me to go anyway. That’s how we communicate. So, when they told me to have fun, I knew they meant it. So, away I went with their full blessing. And I had fun.

I came back and wrote about the experience the next day and shared it with them both. They were both excited for me.

I love this. I love having partners that support my adventurous side and my slutty side. Two partners that are accepting of me. Two partners that trust me. Two partners that lift me up so that I can shine.

Yes. This can happen in Monogomy….well except for the slutty part I guess. …….Actually this hasn’t been my experience in Monogomy or any other Monogomous relationships that I’m aware of. Though there has to be some that exists.


So for me, this is ‘A Joy of Poly’. 
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The Joy of......


I think I'm going to write more joyful posts.....

The Joy of being Poly.....
The Joy of being a Slut...
The Joy of being a slave...
The Joy of......whatever is making me happy that day. 

I love this idea. 

For today.....i have 2. 

The Joy of being Poly and the joy of being a slut....pokemon. 

How can I write about the Joy of being poly and the joy of being a slut and the story be focused around Pokemon? Simple. The boyfriend. 

We couldn't meet on our usual Wednesday night because his wife had just gotten back from a trip and he wanted to spend time with her. So, we went out last night instead. We talked and talked about past relationships. He let me talk about the old boyfriend that I just came across again recently. 

And then we went out pokemon hunting. Oddly enough, this is something that I don't share with my husband. He tried it for an hour or so and just didn't get into it. Whereas, I love it and got the boyfriends wife to play and between the two of us, got him interested in playing. So, now we have something we share. So, after dinner, it was off to go hunting. A Joy of Poly. 

Before we left the restaraunt, I made sure to take off my panties. Just in case he was feeling frisky. Needless to say, I was wearing a skirt. It wouldn't make sense to take off panties if I was wearing pants. 

We also talked about what it was like to be a slut. He talked about his slutty past. I talked about my slutty past, which didn't match his for number of partners. Though I've had more kinky encounters. 

So, pokemon hunting in the dark. Downtown of a small town where we had met for dinner. Lots of people. Lots of dark places. After putting a hand on my ass, he realized what I had done to prepare for this time together. He smiled. Not once, not twice, not three times; he gave me the opportunity to push my slutty boundaries. He was great at making sure no one was around, and I could have always said no. But, I liked the feeling of my heart racing, my breath coming out as panting, him taking charge, and him protecting me and us. I was thinking clearly for the most part and made the choice each time to follow through with what he asked. And it was fucking hot! I'm so glad I didn't chicken out. The Joy of being a Slut. 



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A Joy of Poly.....Wine

I have been having a great time writing about my joys with poly.....

As i was in the shower this morning, it struck me that one of my joys of poly is just the fact that i get to experience the world through others eyes. There are things that Dan and i don't do together, because one of us isn't interested and the other one isn't interested enough to seek it out. BUT, if you are dating someone with different interests, you may end up doing some things you may or may not have thought of, and enjoy yourself, simply becasue it's something that the other person likes. 

For example, Dan doesn't drink. Won't drink. Can't drink. Actually, it would break our M/s contract if He did drink. He's been clean/dry since 1989, so that's a mandatory for Him. Out of respect for Him, i don't drink in front of Him and with alcoholism running in my family and it being an issue for me when i'm drepressed, i stay away from it on my own....But when you have a boyfriend that knows a little about wine and has done wine tastings before, and you've never done a wine tasting....what a great way to experience it. Yes, you can do this with friends. i know this. But, how much more fun to do it with someone you are in a relationship with?

So, we went to hocking hills for our anniversary, and one of the things we did was go to a winery down there and do some wine tasting. I didn't even know they had wineries in Ohio! And it was so much fun! Sipping the little bits of each flavor, being poured by the owner of the vineyard. And i'm not a wine drinker. i've never come across a wine that i like. But, that day i got to try 12 different wines (and remember why i don't like them.....bleck). And i caught a buzz, which was a surprise to me from those little sips. The owner took it as a challenge when he found out that i actually didn't like wine. It was his mission to find one i would like. And he won! From those 12, 11 were yuck. i'm not sure how people drink that stuff. But, 1....there was 1 that i could enjoy. So, we bought a bottle and sat out on the porch on a wicker couch, under the fans, overlooking the vineyards and enjoyed a glass, celebrating our anniversary. We only drank 1/2 a bottle and then had the owner recork it and we took the rest with us back to the cabin, along with another bottle for each of us. 

This is not something that was on my bucket list, i would have done on my own, and i don't have friends that i would have done this with. but what an amazing experience trying something new with someone important to me.

Now I can’t wait to go back and get another bottle…..though the next time i’m there, i’ll be with his wife.
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Poly Book Review


OK…..i don’t usually bash other peoples books…..but….


It’s very frustrating to come across a book on a topic that you’d like to read more about, and then realize that it’s full of mis-information. Usually I would get upset and stop reading the book, but instead I’m using it as fodder for writing about my thoughts on the subject.

The subject is Polyamory. The book is ‘The Polyamorous Relationship: Discover What it is, How it Works, and Whether or Not It’s Right for You’ by Peter Landry.

Right off the bat, in the introduction, I was like ‘WTF’. In the introduction, he talks about how his first experience with poly was when he found out that his great grandmother had bought a woman for his great grandfather, because she didn’t want any more children by him. The author considered this to be poly. Hello, this is slavery not poly, regardless of the fact that they lived together. The first descriptor that many of us use when we talk about poly, is how it’s ethical. I don’t believe that buying another human being is ethical, so therefore call it what it is.

I can’t find any more information on this author, so I have no clue if he himself is poly or not. But, by the way the book is written, I’d have to say that he isn’t. For one, right off the bat, he confuses poly and swinging. He says that poly is the umbrella term, and swinging falls under that umbrella term. What? Sorry, they are 2 different lifestyles that fall under the umbrella term, ‘non-monogamy’.

Chapter 1 is titled: Considering a Polyamorous Relationship? In this chapter he talks about the fact that he ‘knows’ people that live this life and therefore he’s ‘in a unique position to address this subject.’….again, WTF? That would be like me saying, ‘I know people that are in the military, so that puts me in a unique position to write about military life.’

Chapter 2 is titled: Swinging with Swingers. Really. Here we are at the beginning we are going to talk about swinging in a poly book? As I read through this chapter I had to read parts aloud to Dan and Karen, who had the same response that I did. …..’WTF?’. This author says that all swingers are couples and that most do it to save their marriages, and that they are all looking to find other couples to swap partners with. Not true. I know many singles that are swingers. And some that don’t swing with their partners if they have partners, and some that swing with some poly partners but not others. There is no box and the fact that this guy builds a box, tells me he doesn’t have much experience.

OH…..and he says this which even had me feeling icky……’Some men don’t like being touched by other men (ditto with women). If you want to try swinging to explore your gay side, make that very clear before all four of you hop into the car for the drive home.’ Wow, if I want to explore my GAY side…..really?

Chapter 3 is titled: Understanding Polyfidelity. Why would you go from a couple of paragraphs about considering poly in chapter 1, to swinging in chapter 2, to polyfidelity? Ok whatever, I’m not the author of a poly book (yet), so will reserve judgement on the order of chapters. There is plenty of other stuff that has my panties in a wad. ….Chapter 3. Though the title says ‘Understanding Polyfidelity’, he goes on to talk about different types of relationship configurations. One of the ones he talks about is the ‘V’. “Vs are usually temporary because two members have a stronger bond and were already together when the third person entered the relationship.’ I know a couple of people in V’s that would explode at this idea.
 
OK…..on to Chapter 4




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Long Distance Poly

Sometimes long distance poly can be really, really hard. I mean, what do you do when you get the phone call that their family pet died that morning? We were supposed to drive and meet half way that day, but it’s being cancelled so that they can be with their family who is having a hard time. I totally understand that.

But, it’s not like I can just go over and give everyone hugs. Maybe I should have. I probably overthought it. But, my thinking was, that even after 3 years, sometimes I feel like they feel the need to entertain me when I’m there. I didn’t want them to feel that way or have their attention taken off of the fact that they were grieving as a family. I didn’t want to butt in. I just couldn’t do it.

I texted and mentioned a couple of times that I was thinking I should come out, but wouldn’t so they could be there for each other as a family. If the response was along the lines of ‘yes, please come out’…..i would have been there as fast as I could have driven. But, I didn’t get that sort of reply, so assumed I’d guessed right.

Then, I get a phone call later, of him just wanting to talk. At times there was a lot of silence on the phone. I had no platitudes to offer. I didn’t want to offer small talk. He was hurting and there wasn’t anything I could do. I didn’t want to whine that I couldn’t do anything, because that would take his mind off his own grieving and would have turned his attention to the fact that I couldn’t be there. He would have ended up comforting me, and that’s not what I wanted to happen. So, sometimes there was silence on the phone as I just tried to be there for him. But, I wanted to jump in my car and drive the couple of hours just so I could sit with him.

Damn it. Maybe I should have. But, I wanted him to be available for his son if his son needed him. There is no way his son would have come to him for help if I was sitting with him. So, I would literally be driving out there for a few minutes.

Today, I thought it would be nice to drive out there and see them. But, again, it would be about 4 hours total driving time, and I’d feel like they would have a need to entertain me because I was making the drive. I just can’t do it. They need their time together.

All I can do is text and be here by phone. It’s frustrating and hard to be in this situation.

But, it is what it is.
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8 Poly Tools

My husband and I teach this class called ‘8 Poly Tools’ and we’ve taught it twice over the last 6 days. It’s a class with …well….14 poly tools that we’ve come up with over the last 17 years. Though, if I’m honest, most of them were discovered over the last 10 years as our poly ramped up and we needed something to help us out.

The first 7 years, we were co-amorous and dated girls together. So, there wasn’t much to deal with when it came to jealousy and stuff. It’s only when my husband started pulling away to date on his own that it became an issue for us.

Funny enough, we are teaching this class at a time when both of us can really use them. Yet, when you are in the middle of change, they can be hard to remember. Here we are, supposedly enlightened poly people.  We present on the joys of poly, the tools of poly and a couple of other topics, and here we are having our own issues. All of our poly partners are finding new people to build relationships with at the same time. His long term partner, his newest partner and my long term partner have all started new relationships within the last couple of weeks. Talk about irony. Now we get to put our feet to the pavement and walk the talk.

But, it’s hard. These situation can be so hard. So, we put the tools to work.
 
Manual Mode... check
Journaling ... check
Joy Journal ... check
Draft email ... check
Be with Poly people ... check
Realize it's a WAM moment ... check


Cry ... check……wait, that’s not on the list of tools. But, happens anyway. The tools help it to not spiral out of control. 
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Poly Tools




tools

Recently, I’ve been asked by a couple of poly people about the tools that I’ve used over the last 16 years to make it through some poly situations. I’m very up front with the struggles I’ve had, and now they see where I am, and want to know how I got here. Well, I created some tools along the way that have been a major help to me.
 
One has been going through some major struggles, so I gave her some of my tools. These tools come from different places. Some are from 12-step techniques, some are from my ptsd background, some are from my spiritual background. I’m not picky where I pick up these tools from. If they work, they work.
 
Well, I gave her the tools that we talk about in our ‘8 Tools for Poly’ workshop. Then, realized I had another tool that I’ve been working with really consistently lately, and didn’t even realize I was doing it until I was typing these tools out for her. This 9
th tool is about putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.

What I mean is, how would you like to have the other person react to you? That’s how you should be striving to react to them. For example, I tell my husband that I’m interested in a new person. His first response is, ‘Great honey, I’m happy for you.’ Yet, I tell my husband that someone is interested in him, he loves this, and my response is ‘great, I shouldn’t have told you’. I said it with a smile on my face, but if I turn around and think about how I would have felt if he had responded to my news like that, even with a smile on his face it would have crushed me. My words were a habitual pattern. Isn’t that how wives are supposed to react? Not this wife. It’s not how I want to be. So, I tried to take back my words……but it was too late. Now he’s going to wonder if I’m really jealous over this other person. And since she is 5 hours away, is it going to be worth it to him to invest the time in a new relationship if he’s also got to worry about a jealous wife.
 
I love it when my husband is happy for me. I look for the signs of jealousy and if I see them I’ll call him out on it. But, usually he is genuinely happy that I’ve found an opportunity to explore myself. So, this is the viewpoint I try to come from, how would I want my partner to react when I want to try something new?
 
If the current boyfriend and his wife want to take me to a winery, I don’t want my husband to be butt hurt because it’s not something that he and I would do. Yet, I was the jealous wife for a long time. If his girlfriend asked him to do something that didn’t include me, I was a mess to deal with. I didn’t know how to be happy for his new opportunities. I was jealous and fearful. But, now that I have had other relationships myself, I understand.
 

It still takes some thought on my part to have the reaction to his opportunities, but I am getting better at it. I have a lot of societal programming to get past. Yet, I’m so much happier when I come at it from this view point. One day it will become a natural part of my behavior. I’m excited about that. 
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Couples Privilege

couple

Couples Privilege:

This seems to be a hot topic in the poly community lately. I’m not sure I understand what the issue is.
I just read an article to make sure that I understood the issue that people are having, and I still don’t get it. There are all kinds of poly and just because you go into it as a couple, and make decisions as a couple, doesn’t make it a ‘wrong’ kind of poly.
 
Yes, there are advantages to being a couple and then bringing other people in. For us, we try to be as honest about what we are looking for as possible. Sometimes it’s a person to date together, sometimes separately. And anyone I date, needs to know that my husband comes first. Is that wrong? It may be hurtful if the other person has low self-esteem or abandonment issues. But, is it ‘wrong’? Do we have to change who we are and how we deal with our poly relationships? I don’t think so.
 
I hear a lot of ‘what about the other people’? The third that you bring in? Ok. What about it? If we are up front with what we are looking for and what we have available to offer after a lot of soul searching, is it our fault if they decide it’s not what they want and expect us to change? This has happened a couple of times to us. It’s unfortunate.
I’ve had someone tell me it’s because I’m part of a couple that I can’t see what I wrong with this. OK. Well, I’m also a third to someone that is married and they work their relationship the same way. Their marriage with children is primary. I am second. Yes, he loves me and I’m his partner and he tries to make things fair to me, but it’s a different relationship than what he has with his wife.
 
There’s nothing wrong with that. I knew this going in. And if I want more than what is being offered, it’s my choice to stay or go. Same with those that join us; together or individually. Poly relationships are never going to be 100% fair. What would even be the point of that? And what does ‘fair’ even mean in this situation.
I’m starting to think that I’m in the minority with this thinking, at least vocally. How I see people live is very different. Rarely do I see poly pods that are 100% equal and ‘fair’.

I’m ok with being part of a couple that is limited in what they have to offer to others. And I’m ok with being a girlfriend to a married guy that puts his marriage first. Do I get privileges? Sure. Do they get privileges, sure.
 
I just finished the article and nope, I still don’t get what the issue is. Yes, I understand that in society a married couple gets more privileges than say, a triad; with banks, hospitals, even hotels. But, within relationships, people are allowed to set up how they want to do relationships. I actually think it’s a little rude for a new person to come in and then think that everything should automatically shift to make them an equal in the relationship. We’ve had that happen before too. It doesn’t work that way. Or maybe for some people it does, but not in my experience.

And it fees a little rude to assume what that newer person is looking for as well. To assume that they will have an issue with the couple having different responsibilities, etc. etc., means we are thinking for them. Instead get to know the person first. And to everyone, if it doesn’t work, follow your feet. Easier said than done, I know. But, in the end, if something doesn’t work for us then we have to make the choice to stay or go. And if we decide to stay, we need to be ok with not being able to change people or situations.
 
All in all, to assume that one way is wrong and one way is right just has that elitist feel. Monogamous isn’t better. Poly isn’t better. Certain types of poly aren’t better or worse than others. We are all different and therefore it makes sense that there are different ways of doing poly. Build what works for you and if it works, live it. If you meet someone that does it differently, and it’s not a fit, don’t judge, move on.

*Edit - I was part of a poly panel today…..and 8/9ths of the panel were part of a couple that then opened their marriage.



 
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Shine the Light?



EmilysQuotes.Com-amazing-inspirational-know-light-lights-world-positive-wisdom-encouraging-Rumi copy

I’m not sure if it’s guilt or empathy or how to label it. I just know that I feel bad for people when they are talking to me about how bad their relationships are with their long-term monogamous partners, and my relationships are going so well at the moment.
 
Part of me wants to share my happiness. My relationship with my husband is going great. My relationship with my boyfriend is going great. I have a play partner now and am thinking of trying to date a gal I just met. At this point in time, everything seems to be fabulous. But, I can’t share it when the ones I’m talking to are so miserable.
 
Is this poly guilt? I’m not sure what to call it. I don’t feel guilty about being poly or that the relationships are going well. But, it’s hard to bring up that I have a couple of relationships that I’m enjoying, when they are so un-happy in theirs. Most people would tell them that if they are so miserable, to leave. I have a different option for them, but they think poly is just as bad of a choice as leaving.
 
Luckily, I didn’t choose poly because I wasn’t getting what I needed from my primary relationship. All of this is extra. And it wasn’t easy. So, I don’t have this illusion that it will always be this great. But, today is all I have, and today it is good. And today, I can’t share it with some others in my life, because they only advice I have for them is to get out of the relationships they are in, or add more to it to make it bearable. I just want these old high-school friends to be happy.
 
I’m also finding it hard to share about my relationships with those people I know that are still looking. I don’t want them to be jealous or envious even, or feel bad about their own situation.
 
But, it would be so nice to shout from the rough tops that things are finally going well for me in the romance department. I’m so happy. A little stressed on how to make all this work, but happy. 

Actually, I think I’m going to do some research about this concept. It’s not poly guilt, it’s feeling guilty over being happy. What’s that about? 
 
Part of me wants to share my happiness. My relationship with my husband is going great. My relationship with my boyfriend is going great. I have a play partner now and am thinking of trying to date a gal I just met. At this point in time, everything seems to be fabulous. But, I can’t share it when the ones I’m talking to are so miserable.
 
Is this poly guilt? I’m not sure what to call it. I don’t feel guilty about being poly or that the relationships are going well. But, it’s hard to bring up that I have a couple of relationships that I’m enjoying, when they are so un-happy in theirs. Most people would tell them that if they are so miserable, to leave. I have a different option for them, but they think poly is just as bad of a choice as leaving.
 
Luckily, I didn’t choose poly because I wasn’t getting what I needed from my primary relationship. All of this is extra. And it wasn’t easy. So, I don’t have this illusion that it will always be this great. But, today is all I have, and today it is good. And today, I can’t share it with some others in my life, because they only advice I have for them is to get out of the relationships they are in, or add more to it to make it bearable. I just want these old high-school friends to be happy.
 
I’m also finding it hard to share about my relationships with those people I know that are still looking. I don’t want them to be jealous or envious even, or feel bad about their own situation.
 

But, it would be so nice to shout from the rough tops that things are finally going well for me in the romance department. I’m so happy. A little stressed on how to make all this work, but happy. 

….edit

So, I did a little research on this whole ‘guilty about being happy’ issue i’m having. And after reading a couple of blogs, this statement was in one of them and it totally struck me…..it feels good. AND I can do this in an empathetic way…..

"In my opinion, be as freakin’ happy as you possibly can, to be an inspiration to others. Your divine job is to shine brightly so that others may see their themselves more clearly.”

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Guilty about poly relationships?


everything-i-do-makes-me-feel-guilty

As a poly person with two partners, sometimes I feel guilty.

Why? Because I have two great men in my life.

There are times that I’m talking to people that don’t have a partner and they are lamenting over the fact. This is a time that I can’t say, ‘I know what you are going through.’ As a matter of fact, I don’t feel like I can give any advice. All I can do is listen.
 
I see people posting on facebook or fetlife about wanting a boyfriend or girlfriend and I feel like even if I just send hugs, that it will be seen as condescending.
 
Or when I advertise for a girlfriend, I feel pretty damn greedy.
 
A friend was asking where he should look to find a girlfriend and I didn’t want to say, “I don’t know, I’m having the same problem.” It’s just not on the same level of need that he’s going through.
 
I don’t want to post how happy I am with my partners, as it could be seen as rubbing things in. I want people to be happy for me, but would they really be?
 
I have some single friends that I feel like don’t want to hear, that one night I have a date with my husband, and my boyfriend another night, let alone be looking for a girlfriend or play partner.
 
Maybe that just my perception and in reality they really don’t care in the least. But, I always worry about it. 

I shouldn’t. But that feeling of guilt is there.

Guilt for being happy? maybe? Well, that’s something to look at a little deeper.
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Acceptance by a Grown Son

It’s still a little unreal to me, to have my son’s acceptance. I didn’t realize it was important to me. I didn’t think I was attached to it.
 
I know my sons love me, and accept me as they can. They don’t not accept me, but some things are harder than others to learn about me. It’s partly my fault, with protecting them so much, but I wanted them to learn about me and my lifestyle in a more consensual way than how I’ve seen other parents do it.
 
I don’t want my poly, power exchange, swinging, sacred sexuality priestess, bi, preferences to be in their face. They know little bits and ask questions when they want to. But, they also know that if they ask a question, they will get answered and sometimes they don’t want to know the answer.
 
I keep asking my daughter in law if my oldest son is ready to hear some of this. She keeps her ear open and so far the answer is no. That’s ok. He saw me go through a really hard time in our poly growth, though I’m not sure he knew it was about poly. He just knew that I was happy happy and then I wasn’t and it had to do with my relationship with Dan. Because he didn’t want to know, I couldn’t really share with them the details, which is probably for the best.
 
Well, over the last year or so, my youngest has been asking more questions about what it is that we do. A little bit of this a little bit of that. Sometimes my answer will lead him to ask a question without thinking, from being surprised at my answer. This has lead to ripe opportunities of being able to teach him some definitions and lingo of my communities.
 
A couple of weeks ago, we had our poly pod dinner. We knew the youngest was going to be home alone, and that someone in the pod was bringing their 18 year old daughter. So, we tried to entice him to the dinner with the idea that there would be an available girl to hit on. 
 
He is 23, so 18 is a little young for him. But, he gave us a ‘maybe’ to our invite. Well, because it looked like he actually might be interested in joining us, we let him know that it was a poly pod dinner and our other partners would be there. He paused, then declined.
 
Later, he texted me and let me know that it was not that it was a poly pod dinner per se, but he’s never met our other partners and it was going to be 10 people he didn’t know. He is an introvert and not ready for meeting so many people. He also let me know that he’d love to support me and if it was important to me for him to meet my boyfriend, he’d go out to dinner with us. As long as we didn’t go overboard with public displays of affection. He didn’t think he could handle seeing someone else do that with his mom.
 
Thinking back, it took him awhile to get used to see me with Dan. So, kudos for him in knowing what would make this easier for him in his support of me.
 
Wow. Makes me teary just thinking about it. He likes that I support him with his choices and now he’s going to return the favor. What a son.
 
In the mean time, the older son isn’t ready. Yet, he doesn’t judge me. He just doesn’t want to share in that part yet. I’m perfectly ok with that. As long as he’s not negative about it, which he’s never been….I still consider him being supportive.
 

What a lucky mom I am.



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Joy of Poly - Portraits

Joys of Polyamory
Formal Portraits

One of the things that I was able to experience during the weekend of Beyond The Love, was getting my picture taken both with my husband and my boyfriend. Unfortunately, I didn’t think to get them done together. That would have been awesome.

But, the fact that I was able to get one done with the boyfriend, is totally new for me. Dan and I have always shared a girlfriend, but this is only the second time that I’ve had a boyfriend on my own. The first one, just wasn’t like this one. I’m really enjoying myself with this one.

So, I’m going to post the pics here. I’m curious to see what it will feel like to see them together.

This time last year, I had the opportunity to have a characature done of us at a Christmas party, and I refused. We had only been for a few months and I didn’t feel like we were solid enough to do something like that. I’m weird. I know.

This is absolutely a ‘joy of polyamory’.

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Joy of Poly - Introvert vs. Extrovert




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Joys of Poly
Introvert vs Extrovert

Last Saturday night, I tagged along with my boyfriend and his wife to a poly social event. Part of me was excited to be trying something new, but the other part of me was nervous because I wasn’t sure if I’d know anyone. It was a lot of fun, but I didn’t know most of the people there, which means I was very uncomfortable to begin with. Some people knew me, though I didn’t recognize them, so I wasn’t sure who to introduce myself to…..not that I’m comfortable with introducing myself anyway.

So, as in introvert that likes to study people, including herself, I decided to watch my actions in such a setting. D’art and Michele had been there before, so knew some of the people. I decided to tag along with D’art, though I did make sure to do some things by myself. I would tag along with him to the smoking porch a couple of times, but stayed in a rocking chair we decided to camp out in for most of our time there.

He made it very comfortable for me to be there. I sat with him, and we took turns in the comfy chair. People would come over and talk to me, or when I ended up on the porch by myself, I ended up having a great conversation there with a guy named Adam.

It was fun watching one guy tell the girl that was rubbing his back, that he was an introvert and her response was ‘oh goodie, I’m an extrovert and I like making introverts uncomfortable.’ She was joking but it was neat watching them interact jokingly with each other. Honestly though, she was a cutey and I would have loved for her to pick on this introvert like that. She would have gotten some purrs for sure. (especially with the mood I’ve been in for the last few days)

We had a lot of fun. I wish there had been an opening on the couch though so that we could have snuggled. But, that probably would have gotten us in trouble with the PG-13 police.

So, as an introvert, I noticed that I did much better sitting on the floor or in the comfy chair and talking with one person at a time. I also did well out on the porch talking to one person. But, at the beginning of the evening when I walked into the house behind Michele and no one was introducing me around…not so good. If I had gone on my own, I wouldn’t have lasted more than a half hour of standing around awkwardly eating potluck foods, standing by myself.

I have to remember to make a point to reach out to other introverts that are sitting or standing by themselves. The bad point is, I saw two people doing this, and I had the idea of going up to them and talking, but I had no clue what to say or how to start a conversation. If it was my event, it would have been easier. ‘Welcome’ or ‘ I’m dawn and this is my home’. But, as someone that had never been there before, I’m not sure how to say ‘hi’ and keep a conversation going. Isn’t that weird?

All in all though, it was a great time. I’m sorry to hear that they won’t be doing many more because they don’t like that many people in their home. I would have loved to have brought Dan.

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Aha!!


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Have you ever had that moment where it strikes you that you love someone more than they could ever love you?
 
How do you handle it? Do you believe it has something to do with you? Or just that that is the way they are designed? Or how you are designed? Or?
 
For me, at the moment, it just is what it is. I’ve had this realization before, and then I forget. When I forget, I start having expectations that they just can’t live up to. I don’t like having expectations of people, and when I catch myself having them, I try to talk myself out of them. But, every now and then it catches me by surprise.
 
‘If someone loved me as much as I love them, they would…….’, ‘If they really loved me they would know….’, ‘If they truly loved me they would….’. Regardless of how it’s stated in my head, or how I feel about a situation, it seems that my thought process is that I love them more than they could ever love me.
 
What I have to remember is that we all love differently. Introverts, extroverts, the 5 love languages, our personal filters, what we consider love….all of it effects how we love others. Even our day to day experiences can effect how we love others.
 
And for all I know, they are asking themselves the same thing…..’do they love me as much as I love them?’. Because they see my actions as different than how they would act when they are in love.
 
And then the question, ‘what is love?’ begs to be asked.
 
Wow….I started this little writing to lament over how I love someone more than they will ever be able to love me. That they aren’t in love with me as much as I’m in love with them. And instead, I’ve convinced myself that they do, they just show it in a different way and I need to not be attached to the ways they show their love.
 

Aha!
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Stepping out of my shell

Well, I stepped out of my comfort zone yesterday and decided to do something with the ‘poly pod’. Why do i call it the ‘poly pod’? Well, i’m not comfortable with ‘family’, as my kids and granddaughter are my ‘family’. i like ‘tribe’ and ‘clan’ except that some of us don’t really interact with others of us, and some are new to the mix. So, ‘poly pod’ just seemed to pop into my head. i’m sure i’ve heard of it somewhere recently.

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Doing all of this research on introverts had me thinking that i really do need to work at nurturing relationships. So, let’s do a potluck with all of us. And that’s what i’ve put together. That way none of have to decide who to spend time with. bat has her new girlfriend down, Karen it dating someone new, i’d like to spend time with my boyfriend but don’t want to leave my husband or his wife behind, and i’m betting Dan likes having his girls all together. A potluck sounded like a good idea.

It’s going to be food....and boardgames, on neutral territory. Well, neutral for the most part since Dan and i own the space. But, it’s not specifically someones house where anyone would feel like a guest instead of a peer.

Part of me is looking forward to it....part of me already wants to go hiking in the woods.

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The Joys of Poly


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We had a great time over the weekend, and had a few moments of joy in our poly relationships. Friday night we spent having dinner with my boyfriend and his wife. We met half way, and the 4 of us spent a pleasant evening together over dinner in a quiet restaurant in Springfield.

I still worry a little that the guys won’t get along, or that his wife will give me the eye. Goodness knows I’ve given a few girls the eye. I think his wife has realized how respectful I am of their relationship though. I don’t push in, and I am constantly checking in with her to make sure everything is ok. That seems to go a long way with keep things smooth.

But, I didn’t need to worry. I sat with one hand on the husbands knee and one hand on the boyfriends knee. It was strange, yet so NOT strange. It felt right.

I did wonder what the patrons of the restaurant thought. My husband hugged his wife and him. I hugged his wife and kissed him. Then, I have a hand on each one under the table. I wonder if they thought I was being sneaky.

Then, outside when it was time to leave, I kissed the boyfriend in front of the husband. Was that a first? I’m not sure.

Then, on Saturday, we spent the morning together, and then the rest of the day with his girlfriend. We even started a quickie podcast together on the spot. ‘Three Thumbs Up’. That is a biggie for us, since i’m the one that likes to keep the ‘Dan and dawn’ stuff separate from either of our partners.

It seemed to go pretty well.

So.....poly joy moments of the weekend...holding hands with both of my men...and recording the new podcast with husband and his girlfriend.

Three Thumbs Up

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Positive Thinking in Poly



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From ‘Daily Om - As Blessed As You Want to Be’ - 10/11/13
‘Positive thinking dramatically increases your
chances of success in any endeavor. When you’re sure that you are worthy and that achievement is within your grasp, you start to relax and look for solutions rather than dwelling on problems. You are more likely to imagine positive situations or outcomes and disregard the thoughts related to giving up, failure, or roadblocks. What the mind expects, it finds. If you anticipate joy, good health, happiness, and accomplishment, then you will experience each one. Thinking positively may sound like a simple shift in attention – and it is – but it is a mind-set that must be developed. Whenever a negative thought enters your mind, try immediately replacing it with a constructive or optimistic one. With persistence, you can condition your mind to judge fleeting, self- defeating thoughts as inconsequential and dismiss them.’

This is part of an email that gets delivered to my email daily; the Daily Om. And I kept this one because it really spoke to me in so many ways.

Positive thinking....I’ve been told many times over the years, as I’ve tried to pull myself from the Dark Night of the Soul that I was experiencing, that it just a matter of changing my mind to be positive. That suggestion really pissed me off. I was going through the most horrendous time of my life, not counting the sexual abuse as a child, and the person I had gone to for help, told me to change my mind and be positive. I literally wanted to punch them, except that it would take too much energy on my part, and I would rather have gone to bed, if the truth be told.

During that time in my life, I was too deep in the black hole to just change my mind and be ok. I got professional help on the order of my Master/husband. I learned more tools. It took awhile, but slowly I pulled out of the spiral.

That was a few years back. Since then I’ve put some of those tools to work, and believe it or not, positive thinking (manual mode) has been one of the tools that I rely on heavily, and I usually use it with another tool, a mantra.

When my husband and I were going through a rough time in our poly dynamic, we both needed to learn some skills, a mantra was my saving grace. Then, when I learned about ‘manual mode’, I used the mantra to start me off in a private positive thinking mode to pull me out of whatever triggered me. That’s a great way to use positive thinking and I teach it to many as a tool for poly and for power exchange dynamics. I guess it could be used in a regular relationship, but I don’t have much experience with that, simply because my vanilla partners weren’t interested in personal growth. It’s only been the alternative relationships that have been interested in that.

There are a couple of ways positive thinking can be beneficial when it comes to relationships then. With my husband, if I was triggered, I taught myself the mantra, ‘Love, Trust, Faith’. I loved him and knew that he loved me. I trusted him completely. I had Faith that we would succeed and that the Universe had put us together as partners for a reason. That mantra allowed me to breathe and to line up my emotions so that I could think clearly instead of in a negative, triggered state. Positive Thinking.

The other way it’s beneficial is that the longer you live with positive experiences with positive thinking, the more positive things happen. Specifically in poly, I find that the more I experience, the more confident I am. The more I relax. The more I’m ok with the outcome, regardless of what it may be, because I know I’ll be ok. The more positive I am, the more expansive I am. People feel that and are drawn towards it.

I believe that is what allowed my secondary relationship to happen. We started off with a big mis-understanding right off the bat and I believe it’s because I kept a positive attitude about it that it worked out. If I had been negative, I would have walked away, not believing I deserved a positive outcome.

I like being in that positive state. It brings such opportunities and blessings.

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Labeling Emotions

Labeling emotions is a skill that I never developed as a child. When I was growing up, everything was labeled under their big umbrella terms: hate, love, fear, anger, happy, etc.

Since deciding to live in a Power Exchange relationship and to embrace Polyamorous love styles, it’s important to learn the emotions that are nuances of the bigger umbrella emotions. This takes skill and time and dedication.

Why do I bring this up? Because after all these years, it would be nice to be better at this. I had a moment just before my weekend conference where I was triggered with a feeling and the only thing I could think to label it as was ‘hurt’. But, even when I was writing the person about how I was feeling, I had to put a question mark after ‘hurt’...and then wondered through typing, if it was actually ‘jealousy’ or ‘envy’, but had to put question marks after those as well.

It wasn’t until attending a workshop on Saturday at the Winter Wickedness event here in Columbus, OH that I discovered a word that felt better. It was a poly workshop by Cunning Mynx and someone brought up the word, ‘insecure’. Hah! That’s what the label was that I was looking for!

And this is why labels in general can be beneficial tools for me. Now that I know what it is, I can work on demantleing it, breaking it apart. ‘Hurt’?, ‘Jealous’?, and ‘Envious’? I can’t work with, because they have question marks. Insecure, I can work with logically, which helps me work through it emotionally at some point.

Yeah for workshops!
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