Polyamory

Poly Tools for the Win

We have a lot going on at the moment…..

My husband is getting ready to make some significant changes with one of his girlfriends…..i’m thinking about making changes with one of my girlfriends. He showed me pics of him and the girlfriend that is also my girlfriend and told me about some of their stuff. i worked on the packing list for my husbands cruise that he has planned with his third girlfriend, and i’ve got a date set up with someone new…..plus while my husband is on a cruise, i’m going away for the weekend with my boyfriend. ….. and have been thinking about inviting his wife to join us.

Crazy stuff……

And yet….neither of us has ‘pinged’ or become triggered. i’m thinking of inviting my boyfriend out to breakfast in the morning….so that we can talk about some of this stuff. But, i don’t think it will be a big deal for him.

Poly Tools for the win.

Though, i must admit that part of the reason i haven’t become triggered is because of all the lovely time that my husband and i have spent together. He’s made me feel so wanted and cherished. How can i not support him in what makes him happy?

It’s when i don’t feel like i’m being put first….or even considered….or have enough time with him that i get triggered and fear that he will push me away.

So far….even with all these relationships…i’m doing ok.

It’s a great feeling. I actually feel full, in a good way.
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A Joy of Poly ....Adventure

A joy of poly

As some of you might have read, I want to a kink party Saturday night and followed it up by going to a swingclub. At this swing club, i was part voyeur and part exhibitionist; masturbating in the big room where there were about 20 fucking in different arrangements.

Why is this a joy of poly? Well, I told both partners that I was going. Well, one is my power exchange partner, so I asked permission, and the other one I gave a heads up to. They were both encouraging and told me they wanted stories if anything naughty happened. They said this with a smile, practically pushing me to experience what I could.

To me, that’s a joy of poly. If either of them were feeling jealous, I knew they would speak up and tell me to go anyway. That’s how we communicate. So, when they told me to have fun, I knew they meant it. So, away I went with their full blessing. And I had fun.

I came back and wrote about the experience the next day and shared it with them both. They were both excited for me.

I love this. I love having partners that support my adventurous side and my slutty side. Two partners that are accepting of me. Two partners that trust me. Two partners that lift me up so that I can shine.

Yes. This can happen in Monogomy….well except for the slutty part I guess. …….Actually this hasn’t been my experience in Monogomy or any other Monogomous relationships that I’m aware of. Though there has to be some that exists.


So for me, this is ‘A Joy of Poly’. 
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The Joy of......


I think I'm going to write more joyful posts.....

The Joy of being Poly.....
The Joy of being a Slut...
The Joy of being a slave...
The Joy of......whatever is making me happy that day. 

I love this idea. 

For today.....i have 2. 

The Joy of being Poly and the joy of being a slut....pokemon. 

How can I write about the Joy of being poly and the joy of being a slut and the story be focused around Pokemon? Simple. The boyfriend. 

We couldn't meet on our usual Wednesday night because his wife had just gotten back from a trip and he wanted to spend time with her. So, we went out last night instead. We talked and talked about past relationships. He let me talk about the old boyfriend that I just came across again recently. 

And then we went out pokemon hunting. Oddly enough, this is something that I don't share with my husband. He tried it for an hour or so and just didn't get into it. Whereas, I love it and got the boyfriends wife to play and between the two of us, got him interested in playing. So, now we have something we share. So, after dinner, it was off to go hunting. A Joy of Poly. 

Before we left the restaraunt, I made sure to take off my panties. Just in case he was feeling frisky. Needless to say, I was wearing a skirt. It wouldn't make sense to take off panties if I was wearing pants. 

We also talked about what it was like to be a slut. He talked about his slutty past. I talked about my slutty past, which didn't match his for number of partners. Though I've had more kinky encounters. 

So, pokemon hunting in the dark. Downtown of a small town where we had met for dinner. Lots of people. Lots of dark places. After putting a hand on my ass, he realized what I had done to prepare for this time together. He smiled. Not once, not twice, not three times; he gave me the opportunity to push my slutty boundaries. He was great at making sure no one was around, and I could have always said no. But, I liked the feeling of my heart racing, my breath coming out as panting, him taking charge, and him protecting me and us. I was thinking clearly for the most part and made the choice each time to follow through with what he asked. And it was fucking hot! I'm so glad I didn't chicken out. The Joy of being a Slut. 



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A Joy of Poly.....Wine

I have been having a great time writing about my joys with poly.....

As i was in the shower this morning, it struck me that one of my joys of poly is just the fact that i get to experience the world through others eyes. There are things that Dan and i don't do together, because one of us isn't interested and the other one isn't interested enough to seek it out. BUT, if you are dating someone with different interests, you may end up doing some things you may or may not have thought of, and enjoy yourself, simply becasue it's something that the other person likes. 

For example, Dan doesn't drink. Won't drink. Can't drink. Actually, it would break our M/s contract if He did drink. He's been clean/dry since 1989, so that's a mandatory for Him. Out of respect for Him, i don't drink in front of Him and with alcoholism running in my family and it being an issue for me when i'm drepressed, i stay away from it on my own....But when you have a boyfriend that knows a little about wine and has done wine tastings before, and you've never done a wine tasting....what a great way to experience it. Yes, you can do this with friends. i know this. But, how much more fun to do it with someone you are in a relationship with?

So, we went to hocking hills for our anniversary, and one of the things we did was go to a winery down there and do some wine tasting. I didn't even know they had wineries in Ohio! And it was so much fun! Sipping the little bits of each flavor, being poured by the owner of the vineyard. And i'm not a wine drinker. i've never come across a wine that i like. But, that day i got to try 12 different wines (and remember why i don't like them.....bleck). And i caught a buzz, which was a surprise to me from those little sips. The owner took it as a challenge when he found out that i actually didn't like wine. It was his mission to find one i would like. And he won! From those 12, 11 were yuck. i'm not sure how people drink that stuff. But, 1....there was 1 that i could enjoy. So, we bought a bottle and sat out on the porch on a wicker couch, under the fans, overlooking the vineyards and enjoyed a glass, celebrating our anniversary. We only drank 1/2 a bottle and then had the owner recork it and we took the rest with us back to the cabin, along with another bottle for each of us. 

This is not something that was on my bucket list, i would have done on my own, and i don't have friends that i would have done this with. but what an amazing experience trying something new with someone important to me.

Now I can’t wait to go back and get another bottle…..though the next time i’m there, i’ll be with his wife.
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Long Distance Poly

Sometimes long distance poly can be really, really hard. I mean, what do you do when you get the phone call that their family pet died that morning? We were supposed to drive and meet half way that day, but it’s being cancelled so that they can be with their family who is having a hard time. I totally understand that.

But, it’s not like I can just go over and give everyone hugs. Maybe I should have. I probably overthought it. But, my thinking was, that even after 3 years, sometimes I feel like they feel the need to entertain me when I’m there. I didn’t want them to feel that way or have their attention taken off of the fact that they were grieving as a family. I didn’t want to butt in. I just couldn’t do it.

I texted and mentioned a couple of times that I was thinking I should come out, but wouldn’t so they could be there for each other as a family. If the response was along the lines of ‘yes, please come out’…..i would have been there as fast as I could have driven. But, I didn’t get that sort of reply, so assumed I’d guessed right.

Then, I get a phone call later, of him just wanting to talk. At times there was a lot of silence on the phone. I had no platitudes to offer. I didn’t want to offer small talk. He was hurting and there wasn’t anything I could do. I didn’t want to whine that I couldn’t do anything, because that would take his mind off his own grieving and would have turned his attention to the fact that I couldn’t be there. He would have ended up comforting me, and that’s not what I wanted to happen. So, sometimes there was silence on the phone as I just tried to be there for him. But, I wanted to jump in my car and drive the couple of hours just so I could sit with him.

Damn it. Maybe I should have. But, I wanted him to be available for his son if his son needed him. There is no way his son would have come to him for help if I was sitting with him. So, I would literally be driving out there for a few minutes.

Today, I thought it would be nice to drive out there and see them. But, again, it would be about 4 hours total driving time, and I’d feel like they would have a need to entertain me because I was making the drive. I just can’t do it. They need their time together.

All I can do is text and be here by phone. It’s frustrating and hard to be in this situation.

But, it is what it is.
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Poly Tools




tools

Recently, I’ve been asked by a couple of poly people about the tools that I’ve used over the last 16 years to make it through some poly situations. I’m very up front with the struggles I’ve had, and now they see where I am, and want to know how I got here. Well, I created some tools along the way that have been a major help to me.
 
One has been going through some major struggles, so I gave her some of my tools. These tools come from different places. Some are from 12-step techniques, some are from my ptsd background, some are from my spiritual background. I’m not picky where I pick up these tools from. If they work, they work.
 
Well, I gave her the tools that we talk about in our ‘8 Tools for Poly’ workshop. Then, realized I had another tool that I’ve been working with really consistently lately, and didn’t even realize I was doing it until I was typing these tools out for her. This 9
th tool is about putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.

What I mean is, how would you like to have the other person react to you? That’s how you should be striving to react to them. For example, I tell my husband that I’m interested in a new person. His first response is, ‘Great honey, I’m happy for you.’ Yet, I tell my husband that someone is interested in him, he loves this, and my response is ‘great, I shouldn’t have told you’. I said it with a smile on my face, but if I turn around and think about how I would have felt if he had responded to my news like that, even with a smile on his face it would have crushed me. My words were a habitual pattern. Isn’t that how wives are supposed to react? Not this wife. It’s not how I want to be. So, I tried to take back my words……but it was too late. Now he’s going to wonder if I’m really jealous over this other person. And since she is 5 hours away, is it going to be worth it to him to invest the time in a new relationship if he’s also got to worry about a jealous wife.
 
I love it when my husband is happy for me. I look for the signs of jealousy and if I see them I’ll call him out on it. But, usually he is genuinely happy that I’ve found an opportunity to explore myself. So, this is the viewpoint I try to come from, how would I want my partner to react when I want to try something new?
 
If the current boyfriend and his wife want to take me to a winery, I don’t want my husband to be butt hurt because it’s not something that he and I would do. Yet, I was the jealous wife for a long time. If his girlfriend asked him to do something that didn’t include me, I was a mess to deal with. I didn’t know how to be happy for his new opportunities. I was jealous and fearful. But, now that I have had other relationships myself, I understand.
 

It still takes some thought on my part to have the reaction to his opportunities, but I am getting better at it. I have a lot of societal programming to get past. Yet, I’m so much happier when I come at it from this view point. One day it will become a natural part of my behavior. I’m excited about that. 
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Couples Privilege

couple

Couples Privilege:

This seems to be a hot topic in the poly community lately. I’m not sure I understand what the issue is.
I just read an article to make sure that I understood the issue that people are having, and I still don’t get it. There are all kinds of poly and just because you go into it as a couple, and make decisions as a couple, doesn’t make it a ‘wrong’ kind of poly.
 
Yes, there are advantages to being a couple and then bringing other people in. For us, we try to be as honest about what we are looking for as possible. Sometimes it’s a person to date together, sometimes separately. And anyone I date, needs to know that my husband comes first. Is that wrong? It may be hurtful if the other person has low self-esteem or abandonment issues. But, is it ‘wrong’? Do we have to change who we are and how we deal with our poly relationships? I don’t think so.
 
I hear a lot of ‘what about the other people’? The third that you bring in? Ok. What about it? If we are up front with what we are looking for and what we have available to offer after a lot of soul searching, is it our fault if they decide it’s not what they want and expect us to change? This has happened a couple of times to us. It’s unfortunate.
I’ve had someone tell me it’s because I’m part of a couple that I can’t see what I wrong with this. OK. Well, I’m also a third to someone that is married and they work their relationship the same way. Their marriage with children is primary. I am second. Yes, he loves me and I’m his partner and he tries to make things fair to me, but it’s a different relationship than what he has with his wife.
 
There’s nothing wrong with that. I knew this going in. And if I want more than what is being offered, it’s my choice to stay or go. Same with those that join us; together or individually. Poly relationships are never going to be 100% fair. What would even be the point of that? And what does ‘fair’ even mean in this situation.
I’m starting to think that I’m in the minority with this thinking, at least vocally. How I see people live is very different. Rarely do I see poly pods that are 100% equal and ‘fair’.

I’m ok with being part of a couple that is limited in what they have to offer to others. And I’m ok with being a girlfriend to a married guy that puts his marriage first. Do I get privileges? Sure. Do they get privileges, sure.
 
I just finished the article and nope, I still don’t get what the issue is. Yes, I understand that in society a married couple gets more privileges than say, a triad; with banks, hospitals, even hotels. But, within relationships, people are allowed to set up how they want to do relationships. I actually think it’s a little rude for a new person to come in and then think that everything should automatically shift to make them an equal in the relationship. We’ve had that happen before too. It doesn’t work that way. Or maybe for some people it does, but not in my experience.

And it fees a little rude to assume what that newer person is looking for as well. To assume that they will have an issue with the couple having different responsibilities, etc. etc., means we are thinking for them. Instead get to know the person first. And to everyone, if it doesn’t work, follow your feet. Easier said than done, I know. But, in the end, if something doesn’t work for us then we have to make the choice to stay or go. And if we decide to stay, we need to be ok with not being able to change people or situations.
 
All in all, to assume that one way is wrong and one way is right just has that elitist feel. Monogamous isn’t better. Poly isn’t better. Certain types of poly aren’t better or worse than others. We are all different and therefore it makes sense that there are different ways of doing poly. Build what works for you and if it works, live it. If you meet someone that does it differently, and it’s not a fit, don’t judge, move on.

*Edit - I was part of a poly panel today…..and 8/9ths of the panel were part of a couple that then opened their marriage.



 
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