Power Exchange vs Vanilla

Master vs. husband

As a podcast personality and author, many people reach out to ask questions of what they know I have personal experience with. Recently, I have been asked by a couple of people, questions that have to do with Master vs. husband....or slave vs. wife. I don’t particularly want to share the emails themselves, but thought I would reflect on their questions and how I answered them, and hopefully dig a little deeper into my thoughts on this, as it’s something that has been in my brainpan for awhile.

Just a little history, that’s really a repeat of what I’ve written her on my blog as recent as yesterday. Dan and I are husband and wife. Dan and I are Master and slave. We built our relationship on the foundation of power exchange and had a formal collaring ceremony a year before we decided to get married. As a matter of fact, marriage was not in our original plans. We had done that before and didn’t like it. Marriage did not empower either of us. So, we developed something different. We slowly build a power exchange relationship. i would surrender to Him and my goal would be taking care of Him. He would be responsible for me and our relationship. We created a contract that took months to build, and i begged for His collar. A little over a year after we moved in together, he planned a collaring ceremony. i still wear His collar daily, with the engraved date 3/3/01. For many years, we’ve celebrated this anniversary over any others, and now just kind of combine all our anniversary’s into one general celebration - the day we moved in together, the collaring ceremony, the wedding anniversary. They are all important but don’t need to be celebrated individually. Instead of celebrating days, we celebrate our relationship many times over during the year.

Anyway, we were married 9 months after the collaring ceremony. Husband and wife. For me, I may have mentioned before in an earlier post, that the idea of becoming a wife again, terrified me. There are societal expectations as a wife that I did not want to be locked into. As a slave, we could design me to be what He wanted me to be. I was MUCH more comfortable with that idea. Being His and taking care of Him was my top priority. How could I do that as wife? At this time, I was also working in corporate america with a group of women in the IT department of a large international company and they talked about their marriages all the time and how they treated their husbands, how they kept secrets from them and can’t talk to them about their deepest fantasies. That’s not the life I want. I couldn’t even participate in the conversations because they were so foreign to how I was living my life. I was also seeing how miserable they were. I much preferred my life as slave, with a relationship of total transparency.

Now, the trick is, I’m not only slave. I am also wife. We have created a life together that involves children, grandchildren, home ownership, material goods ownership, a business, many projects, relationships, etc. etc. And yet, I am still His slave. We have learned how to blend the two. Being wife does not mean being vanilla. I am an equal partner. It’s just that the partnership is a hierarchal one. We each have different responsibilities. I take care of Him. He takes care of us. I give voice to opinions, unless He says I can’t, but He also gets final say. I would never go behind His back and do something differently than what He has told me to do. He is my husband, but also my Master. i have surrendered completely to Him.

So....the reason this topic was brought up.....an email asking for advice....

“recently - i was told that i need to stop being ‘wife’ and start being ‘slave’. It would appear that i am not giving Master what He needs, that He is not feeling like a Master. nor; honestly, am i feeling much like a slave. He blames this on the fact that we started as D/s, and says that i am stuck in the submissive mindset, where i get an equal say in everything that happens.”

Of course, my initial response that i reigned in was....’that’s not your responsibility. If he want’s you to be slave over being wife, then He needs to make it so.” ;) He is the Master. He is in charge. He needs to act like it. ;)

But, instead, i took a step back. That reply isn’t helpful to her because she has been given the task of doing something about the situation and she’s looking for help. And this is not the only email like this i have received in the last couple of days. Seems to be a trend.

This is where i came up with the title of Master vs. husband.....slave vs. wife. Basically, they are using this terminology instead of ‘vanilla vs. power exchange’. We are living a vanilla life instead of our power exchange life. i get that.

Master and i fall into a more vanilla husband and wife routine sometimes. We have to recognize it though and if it’s not satisfying, we have to make the decision to let our Master/slave sides out more hardcore for a while to get back on track. Because underneath it all, He is Master and i am slave. That is our foundation and how we thrive as people. We are also husband and wife, and very much in love, but that is the layer that is over the M/s foundation. i will always be His slave regardless of what other role has been layered on - wife, business partner, life partner, co-podcaster, co-author, co-presenter, etc. etc.

So, when people ask me these questions about slave vs. wife.....i get what they are asking. How do i let go of control (which mainstream expects a wife to have) and surrender to my slavehood? How do i step back from decision making and give it all to Him? Anyone that has been a slave, has had to face that moment, that decision. As a wife, it can be a decision that has to be made over and over again, because of all the other responsibilities that are involved with the relationship. If Master gets sick and slave has to take over everything, it can be hard to let go again when He is better. If slave has a powerful job where they are in charge, it can be hard to surrender again. i know many couples that have struggled with this. In fantasy, this surrender process is easy because we know the pleasure on the other side of it. In reality, it can be a struggle for both parties.

Regardless, she needed help, so this is what i gave her.....

“Of course, when i read this, my first response was ...He is Master. If he doesn't feel in control, he needs to take control. If he doesn't, how are you supposed to surrender? It's the same i expect of my Master and i just expressed that to him again as we drive. ;)

OK even with that thought, there are things you can do. Sometimes, Masters do not feel that M/s is desired in the relationship. Vanilla creeps in from all directions and sometimes it's easier to be peers than M/s, especially if you don't have a real time M/s support system.

So, what you can do, is empower him as a Master. Let him know that you are onboard with getting back to your M/s foundation.

Maybe even writing it out would be beneficial. Let him know that you want to be his slave again and what that means to you. State that you want to be punished when punishment is needed. You want to be pushed when pushing is needed. You want to serve him. You want to surrender to his leadership. Or something along those lines, whatever it was that drew you into your M/s relationship to begin with. Give him permission again. Be true in your statement that you are committed to this ....if you truly are.

Then, present this writing ritualistically. However you would do that. On your knees? Holding out a collar as well? Candles and incense? Whatever works for you.”

I felt good with that response. Though, I still believe that if he wants control, He needs to take control. Sometimes a slave just needs to know that the Master wants that kind of responsibility again, and is ok with the work involved in this style of relationship. Some of us are high maintenance when we allow ourselves to surrender to someone. We become more vulnerable, less shielded, more authentic....that is more work than being shielded and detached. And sometimes it takes being conquered, to show that the Master truly does want this power exchange.