Power Exchange

What Does 'Service" Mean to me

I was challenged with writing about ‘what does service mean to me’. Then, I got a phone call explaining what they were really looking for, ‘what does service look like to me’.

So, there are two ways I can write about this. What does it look like when I give service, and what does it look like when service is given to me. Let’s see if they meet somewhere.

I’ve attempted to start this a couple of different ways, and then deleted them:
1)      The way I have served has changed over the years. Has it? Maybe, maybe not. Delete.
2)      I’m not a service person. Wait. Is this true? Maybe, maybe not. Delete.
 
For the most part, I don’t consider myself a service person. I don’t like to do dishes, I don’t like to clean, I don’t like to get peoples drinks. If I’m at a family member’s house and the women are in the kitchen cleaning up, I’d rather be in the living room, being part of the conversation.

Unless, I want to please someone and they enjoy service. Then, to me, it becomes a love language. Then, I like to do their dishes or set out their clothes or whatever the case may be. And if I can provide anticipatory service, all the better. My problem with anticipatory service is that I tend to guess wrong as to what the other person would really like, and that makes me not trust my instincts to try again. Or it makes me feel bossy. So, anticipatory service doesn’t happen much.

So, service from me can actually take a different form. If I don’t call because I know someone is busy, that is a form of service. Sending my Monday email, is a form of service. Though, it’s not a service that was asked for, so maybe it’s more of a gift than a service. Huh, most of the things I do are more gifts than forms of service.

Picking up someone’s daughter from school and bringing her home, that’s a form of service from me. Picking up something from the store, putting away chairs at your house. All forms of service, if they are wanted/needed.  

It’s gets confusing for me when I think of the little things I do as ‘service’ that weren’t asked for. So, are they really service?

For example, if we are at an event of power exchange people and someone automatically gets me a drink without me asking, or takes my plate away to the trash. Is that really service? To me, I don’t think it is. I haven’t asked for it. It may not be the type of drink I like, or I may not be done with my plate, or my Master may have told me specific directions about the drink or plate. To me, if someone does these things without asking, it’s more of a service to themselves, so that they feel like they are doing something. But, it’s not service to me. As a matter of fact, if my Master has given me specific directions and someone else comes along and does something out of the blue, it could actually be a dis-service because they are taking away my opportunities for service to my Master.

If I put away chairs after a meeting at someone’s house without asking, did I perform a service? What if they wanted them left out on purpose? Maybe they had another meeting, or had someone else picked out to specifically give that service? Now they have to pull the chairs back out, making more work. Or I’ve taken service away from someone. This doesn’t help make someone’s life easier.

So, is that someone ‘giving’ service? Part of me thinks this needs to be asked for instead of assumed that it’s a wanted service. In this instance, yes, a service, but unwanted.


So, ‘service’ to me involves putting someone else first. Someone else’s needs over my own. If my need is to pick up everyone’s dishes, regardless of whether they want it or not, it’s not really service.  

In the end, what does service mean to me? It means performing tasks (not necessarily chores, it could be as simple as not interrupting someone because I know that action makes them happy) that help make someone else’s life easier, or is just fun and are wanted.
 

Just my thoughts about service and what it means to me. I’m sure others have different responses. 
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Power Exchange vs Attachment

I just had someone ask me about the fear of becoming attached to their Master. That they see a power exchange relationship as something to stay away from, because what she sees is a deeper attachment than in vanilla relationships. I totally agree, it is. At least for me, it is. But, i wouldn’t want it to be any other way. Deep is what I want.

dananddawn

The trick is to be aware of my emotions, to be able to see from the outside what is going on. I can’t imagine going through life totally detached. My thought is that we are supposed to be experiencing life. We can’t experience life from the outside. The trick is to be aware that we are attached, and work with it.

I am attached to my Master. I am also aware that he is his own person. I am also aware that at some point our relationship will end. Whether one of us leaves, or one of us dies, it will end. To believe differently causes suffering.

So, I live the ‘middle path’. I am attached. I’m aware I’m attached. I’m aware I can’t control it. I work hard at not being attached to our actions, though we do follow rules. I’m aware it will end. If you are in a power exchange with eyes wide open and with the idea that things constantly change, the results of the attachment will be easier.

I’m going to let this percolate, because I just don’t have the words.

In the end....I’m in a deep relationship, with a person I totally trust, with a person I can be completely vulnerable to. I need this sort of relationship to thrive. Knowing this, why would I step away from it out of fear of attachment?

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belet dawn

belet dawn is a name that Master gave to me a couple of years ago, as a way for a new person in our lives to address me.

belet: Priestess servant of Belum. A role that is normally fulfilled by a trained and experienced slave. He/she follows because she decides to, but is strong enough to take the reins when need be. Kneels to Belum without hesitation and understands this is where his/her heart thrives.

 
I so want this to be my name everywhere.

belet dawn.

Priestess servant of Belum - These very words make my stomach flip. The extension of His will. A person that can manifest and heal at His direction.

Fulfilled by a trained and experienced slave – Through lots of dedicated work on both of our parts, this is who I am.

Follows because she decides to, but is strong enough to take the reins when need be – I follow someone I respect and that has earned my trust in all ways. I hold nothing back in my service. I am strong. I can support. I can lead. Sacred Flame Circle, clergy work, and the CIC are just a few examples of where my strength comes into play. If Master is sick or hands something to me, I don’t have any doubt that I can take the reins. Yet, I follow Him. i respect him, trust him and He owns all of me.

Kneels to Belum without hesitation and understands this is where his/her heart thrives – I kneel physically and in my heart. To be His. To be at his command at a snap. Not hesitation. I don’t have to decide to submit. It is as natural to me with Him, as breathing. The idea of Him snapping His fingers or giving me that look, for me to kneel and obey, makes me smile with my whole heart/self.

This is where I thrive.


To be this core self, means dropping my ego and perceived self. It means I don’t have to protect myself from the one that owns me. I don't have to protect him from me. I can just be me, my powerful self, my soft self, my loving self, my dark self, my self that craves to serve Him.

Much of this is hard to put into words..... the feeling, the depth, the love, the completeness i feel when i serve Him, when i feel that ownership, knowing i am owned by Him and Him alone.

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Submission

If anyone is actually reading this blog, you will notice that my posts jump all over the place. From reflecting about Qadishti, Weightloss, Walking, Bodhisattva, Oracle cards, and other random items...every now and then I also ramble about my power exchanges experiences....in my case at this moment, submission.
submissiveness_by_glamurosa666-d4qo8wg
I usually reflect on topics like this in my personal journal, but can’t think of any reason not to share it on here.

I only wanted to mention it because in the last 2 weeks, I’ve had 2 different people tell me that they are interested in me, because of my acceptance of my desire to submit and serve. They don’t want to own me. They understand I am owned and respect the relationship that Master and I have. But, they want to taste what i have to offer. And being in a poly relationship allows me to explore these ‘tasting’ opportunities.

One person in my life is truly enjoying my submissive tendencies, though he is only interested in it from a bedroom perspective and won’t let me serve him (huh, something else to blog about). He likes that i like pain and trust him enough to let him try some things that he used to be able to do with a previous partner, but his wife is totally not into.

The next person, wrote me recently to let me know that the fact that i embrace my submissive/slave side, totally turns him on and he wants to explore that with me. He wants to taste it. He said thinking about experiencing a piece of that energy himself, well....what he said it does to him, i will leave for the personal journal.

My submissiveness nature, is being found as something that is hot. I’m not used to that. It’s been mentioned that the slutty side of me is seen as hot, not the submissive side though. I’m going to sit with this for awhile.
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Communication Skills in Relationships

Usually, as i stated before, my ‘aha’ moments come from when i disagree with something that someone has written. i get this feeling of disagreement, but then i have to look at myself and my beliefs to get to the point of the feelings. Well, this time, i read this and went, “oh, that’s what’s going on!”.

Here is the writing that started my thinking on this topic……. (more of my thoughts follow the writing from the book that I share below)

Love in Abundance: A counselor’s Advice on Open Relationships
By Kathy Labriola


According to Kathy…..

“usually an individual is trying to achieve one of these five goals through a particular communication:

1) To make a connection with your partner, to create closeness and intimacy:
a. “I’m happy to see you”, “How was your day today?”
2) To tell a story or give a partner information.
a. “My mom called and she is going to come by tomorrow”, “I ran into my friend Jan and she is pregnant”
3) To ask for support or comfort
a. “I had a headache today and it was rough getting through work”, “I feel sad because you snapped at me today and I’d really like to know that things are ok between us.”
4) To solve a problem together.
a. “We got a letter from the IRS today and I need your help to figure out where I miscalculated”, “You mother wants us to come by for Thanksgiving and I don’t want to go and don’t know how to get out of it”
5) To make a decision together.
a. “What color should we paint the kitchen”


It can be extremely useful to think about what the purpose of your communication is before starting the conversation with your partner and communicate that goal to your partner. For instance, if you are just giving information or relating a story because you want to connect, they are much more likely to cooperate with that goal and not derail you by trying to solve a problem or make a decision, and you are both likely to be more satisfied with the conversation.

Because we are so influenced by our gender training and socialization, men and women often have different goals for communication. Women, who are strongly socialized to value relationships and connection, are more likely to communicate to achieve the first three goals: create intimacy or feel connected, tell a story, or ask for support or comfort. Men, trained to analyze, to compete, and to “fix things”, are more likely to see most communication as an attempt to solve problems or come to a decision. It is dangerous to make gross generalizations based on gender, as of course not all women and all men communicate in these stereotypical ways. However, a significant percentage of women do tend to be focused on communication goals, and men tend to focus on technical and practical goals. “

….so, example given in book ….

“For instance, the woman in a couple may be talking about an unpleasant interaction with her boss at work that day, as a way of asking for nurturing and support from her partner. Instead, he interprets it as a problem to be solved, and makes numerous suggestions on how she could have handled the situation with her boss differently in order to create a more positive outcome. She feels invalidated, criticized, and defensive, and he is baffled and hurt because his sensible advice and attempts to help are being rejected.

Conversely, a man may talk about feeling dissatisfied with his job as a way of getting input from his partner about whether to stay at this job as a way of getting input from his partner about whether to stay at this job or look for another job. He wants help in weighing the various factors in order to make a decision, but she things he just wants to vent and get support, so she praises him for his hard work and skills and tells him how much she loves him, and asks him to share his feelings about his work. He is frustrated because she is derailing him from his focus on decision-making. She feels hurt because he doesn’t appreciate her support. “

So...

Master and i have been having conversations lately that fall into these categories and it’s helping me see what is going on . Usually, we are really good with stating up front whether this is something we just need to talk about, or if we are looking for advice. Recently, we had a conversation in the car and i went into fix-it mode. He stopped me and said that he was only sharing, there was nothing to fix.

It’s funny, because at first i just listened and had nothing to say, and then talked myself into offering advice because i had nothing else to say and figured that’s the type of response he’d want from me, after all, as a slave isn’t it my job to make life easier for my Master? As His wife and friend, shouldn't i try to help? That’s what i thought I was doing, helping Him through a process. He wasn't happy about it. I didn’t follow my intuition on that one. Damn.

We’ve also had conversations recently where I’ve been looking for advice and he’s just listened, thinking that’s what I needed. I like it when he tries to help me. To me, it shows my Master cares. I also like it when I’m just venting and remember to say up front that I’m just sharing because I need to hear myself think.

That’s the trick though, to know what we want before communicating so that we get what we need from the other party. Like most things though, it’s easier said than done though.

After 15 years of being with Master Dan, I'm still learning how to communicate. As we learn about each other, and change over time, it's a continuous learning process. And now that I'm dating someone else (or maybe two), and have another slave in the family....I'm learning how to communicate with others of different styles.....all this stuff that I'm reading can come in handy....


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