Qadishtu

Walking Qadishtu - 7 miles

So, today i walked 7 miles.

Why?

i have no idea except to prove that i could.

Actually, today, i was supposed to walk a 5k; my first 5k since my surgery in December. But, when i went to pay for it, it was sold out. So, yesterday my husband had a long motorcycle class. I took the opportunity to go for a walk after cleaning on the house all morning. i needed to find a pokestop for the day, so it was easy to plan out a walk which involved churches, which are pokestops. i also took out a poke gym while i was out there. 3 miles was accomplished without much sweat.

So, today, i had another opportunity to go walking. i went with the idea of walking 4 miles; up the ante a little bit. Then, i kept walking. When i reached 4 miles, it just felt like i could do more. i added in random bits of trails that were connected to the one i was on. Soon enough, it was 5 miles, and it felt like i could do more. Plus, what’s a half mile? i played pokemon for part of the walk; hatched some eggs. Then i would listen to a little of my audio book. It kept me going.

i also rescued a baby snake.

Heard some birds twitter pated over the creek i was walking by; a red-tailed hawk; a cardinal, and a couple of birds i’d never heard before.

A half mile would turn into another mile.

The hardest part was having to pee. At about 5.5 miles i made it back to where there was a bathroom. i took a quick pee, saw that there was another trail next to the bathroom that was only a half mile long….full of pokestops….so i decided to walk it and get my 6th mile done. At the end of the trail, i hadn’t reached the 6 mile mark. That meant i found a longer path, which had me over the 6 mile mark. Might as well do 7. And 7 i did.

i think it was just to prove to myself that i could do it. Plus, i’d already cleaned all morning, and if i went home i’d either veg in front of the tv or the computer and i’d rather be outside enjoying the day. Luckily, i didn’t get sunburnt.

i want to do it again.

Looks like next Sunday is free, unless the kids come over for Easter dinner. Maybe i can do 7 again.

Maybe i’m training for a half marathon. Maybe. Except i want to jog/walk the next one. And though i can walk 7 miles, i’m not so sure i can run any of it.

Today…if nothing else……i was a walking Qadishtu. Smiling and saying hello to everyone i came across.
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An Introverted Qadishtu


 
Introverted Thinkers

Recently, I’ve discovered the word ‘introvert’ and it explains a LOT about my personality/quirks. I’ve known about this word, of course, and I’ve believed I’m an introvert because I was shy. Then, when I lost most of my shyness, I started to believe I was a shy extrovert. I wasn’t as shy as I used to be, painfully shy, but I wasn’t as outgoing as other extroverts, so that left me with being a shy extrovert. But, that still didn’t seem to fit. I was enjoying being home by myself more and more. I still don’t like staying at someone’s house over a hotel. I still don’t like doing things with big groups of people. I do like being on stage instead of part of the crowd. I still feel very awkward when being introduced to the new boyfriend’s friends and family.
 
We’ve talked about our introverted selves with others that are introverts. But, some of the quirks of a introvert, I’ve never connected with my personal quirks. I’ve actually been looking at my quirks as character flaws for years. And have gotten very frustrated that I can’t seem to fix them. For example, I’m not a social butterfly. I don’t like having small talk with a bunch of different people. I’d much rather have deep, intense conversations. That means that I come across as a quiet, deep person instead of a happy, go-lucky person. This can be frustrating when you want to be seen as a ‘white-light, hestia-filled, welcome-to-my-space’ sort of person.
 
I’m very protective of my space and of my friends, now I know why. I have no interest in having a large group of friends, now I know why. I like to be a leader/teacher, now I know why. I like quiet time, now I know why. I feel very uncomfortable in a group of people that I don’t know, now I know why. I will stand off to the side and watch when I’m thrown into a new situation, now I know why. Not being able to talk to others while I’m in ‘service mode’, is heavenly for me, now I know why.
 
So, how does being an introvert come into play with being a Qadishtu? Well, to work with others and to help with their healing, means I have to put myself out there. This is not a comfortable place for me. When I talk to someone about being a Priestess for a ritual for them, it can become uncomfortable if I don’t know them, simply because I have to spend time getting to know them before designing a ritual. I had to do that last Wednesday as I talked to someone that responded to my fetlife post about wanting to be a Priestess Top. She wants a ritual at an event this weekend, and that meant I had to sit with her and get to know what she was looking for. We started with small talk. I almost closed the conversation to tell her I wasn’t interested, when she started with the deeper stuff. That’s when I was able to engage.
 
So, rituals have to be deep for me. I’ve tried to do a ritual for someone that didn’t go deep, and it doesn’t work for me and I don’t think I’d try it again.
 
Scarlet Sanctuary works for me, because I don’t have to converse with people. I’m the High Priestess and therefore I set the tone of the evening by creating sacred space. I get to give sacred touch to about 10 people during the evening, but I don’t have to if I don’t want to. We’ve set up the sanctuary to have at least 6 givers, sometimes as many as 10 trained people join us.
 
I do have to take care of myself after these rituals and after an evening of Scarlet Sanctuary. I’m not someone that can give all night and then go play in the dungeon. The giving is amazingly awesome, but it totally drains me. It’s the same as when I do Reiki. Reiki is supposed to energize you, but I’m still giving of my time and energy to channel the energy, therefore I’m exhausted afterwards.
 

So,., though I am a Qadishtu Priestess, and love to help people through rites of passage and opportunities for transformation, I’m also an introvert that has to continuously work at putting herself out there and making herself available. I wish I could change some of these quirks, but if it’s a choice of standing off to the side and watching, vs doing something with someone where I’m not completely comfortable, I’ll take the standing off to the side and watching. But, it’s not who I want to be, so I constantly push myself, so that I can facilitate change in others whom request my help. 


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Still a Qadishtu?

I’ve been wondering......will I remember to embrace being Qadishtu while on this path of getting smaller? I thought once I started getting fit again, that I’d be reaching out to help heal others more, through intimacy and sex. But, so far, that hasn’t happened.

It’s probably more about not having time ....no time to look in the mirror and get used to and accept how i look now. No time to be available for people. No time for the new boyfriend or current friends, let alone anyone new that might come into my life.

Will me feeling sexy draw people to me? Will my armor fall away so that others can reach me? I don’t know. I haven’t been this weight since getting pregnant with my second son. He’s 23. That’s 23 years of armor. And add 4 years to that. I was this weight soon after having my first son, and never lost it. Well for a split second I did hit 199, but it scared the shit out of me when my main perp made a pass at me and I gained it all back plus more.

At this point in my life, if that happened now, bad bad things would happen......to him. I have 2 men in my life that would protect me, and that doesn’t count what I’d do to protect myself.

Anyway......that’s beside the point, and I don’t want to go off on a tangent.

I’m at a restaurant waiting for my second man.....he loves how I look, regardless of me being squishy. Though, he doesn’t like my hair cut.....which is too bad, because I’m enjoying it. I was able to drive here with my windows down and not have a mouthful of hair.

Life if good.

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