Random thoughts on sexuality

I sat on this post for a little while….not sure if I wanted to post it because it felt a little ‘ranty’….but then thought ‘what the hell’……… *smile*

Dawn (4) copy
I started listening to an audio book a couple of days ago on my 4 mile walk and a phrase was used that really struck a cord with me. I’ve been thinking about this very thing over the last couple of weeks or so, but didn’t have the words for it. I had an uncomfortable feeling that I couldn’t put into words and therefore couldn’t process the feelings.

The book is ‘Sex at Dawn’. I’ve tried to listen to this book before and turned it off before it got too far. I really didn’t like it. Recently though, a few people have been asking me my opinion of the book out of the blue and I’ve had a negative response. The reason for this is because I feel the ‘agenda’ of the book is to push poly on
people as the norm. It talks

about how pre-historic people lived poly and anyone that thinks differently is following the agenda of the church. Well, it says that the church is making up data and yet the authors of this book are doing the same thing. They state ideas as facts to support their position but don’t have evidence to back it up. There can’t be any evidence either way. It’s before the written word.

Now, there are some really hot artwork and sculptures from a few older cultures, but these were created after writing was created, so I don’t feel they count because the authors (at least at the beginning of the book) are talking about cavemen times.

Anyway……just my little rant….and I may change my mind the further I get into the book.

But, it seems to be a popular book right now for those in the poly community looking for a reason to explain why they are poly. Since so many have been asking me about it and since my response is ‘I haven’t read it all’, I decided to try listening to it again.

I loaded the audible version to that I could listen to it while walking my many miles. Suprisingly, this time I was more engaged. I still have the same opinion about the ‘facts’ they are presenting without any way of proving their ideas ..but I’m listening.

I’ve actually been hearing a few ideas that are making me think and resinate with me. The phrase that they offered that was so powerful to me I had to email myself a note while walking was the idea that we are ‘at war with our eroticism’. How true that is.

And here is why….

Though I had learned to embrace my eroticism over the years with my husbands help, recently I’ve had some doubts. Doubts about my sensuality, sexuality, eroticism,…..everything about it. Why? I’m not really sure. Is it because I’m getting older? A few baddish experiences with people I/we have tried to date over the last couple of years? Too much time around ‘vanilla’ people? I’m not sure, but even hearing a phrase from a poly person, of ‘I’m really picky with who I date’, when I told them I was thinking of dating someone new, has me ‘at war with my eroticism’.

I am an erotic person. I am in a relationship with my husband that allows me space to date others as I feel the desire. Not only does he allow me to date others and supports me in the experience, he’s been known to push me out the door. He doesn’t want me to regret not following through with an experience and living my adventure. I consider myself a very lucky girl.

I love exploring my sensuality with others when I have the chance. It’s taken a lot of work for me to get to this place in my life. I consider being with others to be a very positive action on my part.

I am Qadishtu. I am a sensual, erotic person that believes in the healing power of touch, connection and sexuality. ‘Being picky’ is not an option for me. And shouldn’t be an option for me. The whole idea sounds very judgmental and that’s not who I want to be.

It’s bad enough that Society says what I do is shameful. The fact that I can have sex with another person than my husband ….well, I should be ashamed of myself. Even in the ‘sacred sexuality’ community I hear the phrase ‘oh, I can’t be with someone unless I love them’. Well, there are many definitions of ‘love’. If I’m with someone, I can build a sacred space and draw forth that love. I consider it a talent to be able to draw forth love for any person that is under my hands. I can do this in the Scarlet Sanctuary, Ritual space, swing clubs, dating, fet events, etc. etc.

There are many times, including this one, where I feel I have to defend myself, my actions and my beliefs. Obviously this has been in my head over the last couple of weeks or so, or it wouldn’t be coming out so defensive.

It’s very interesting to me to write this blog entry though. I can feel the lifting of an energy block, one that has been there for a while without my knowledge it seems. If I had known about it, I would have tried to break it down before now. Now, I’m typing while my husband is driving us to an event in New Jersey where we will be presenting on slutty sex, flirting and power exchange. We will also be meeting people that have been flirting with us online. Will this realization that I’ve had a shame bubble working on my psyche and now I have the choice to pop the bubble have any effect on how I enjoy the event? I can’t wait to experience the results of this shift that I can feel within myself.