Survivor

Flashbacks

I find that I’m having more flashbacks lately. I’m not sure why, can’t think of anything really stressful going on. Sure we just put on another weekend event, working at promoting CIC, traveling, attempting to finish up a couple of other projects, but nothing super stressful.

But, still I’m having the nightmares. I’m remembering memories that I thought I had worked on and put away. I’ve mentioned it to my husband, but he doesn’t have an answer. Then, today, I had one during meditation. What the hell? Really? During meditation? That’s supposed to be my safe space. But no, there it was, poof, out of nowhere there it is. And it’s a creepy one. The only detail I’m going to give, and this is more for me so that I remember what the hell I’m talking about if I read this again later, is that the trigger is about my abuser giving my boyfriend advice on what he should be doing with me. And then my brain took that memory and and gave the people different faces.

It icked me out so bad that I instantly took that memory and burnt it in flames. I took the picture in my head, the emotion behind it and threw it into a fire in my minds eye. Then, I asked the Goddess to wrap me in her wings. I tried to picture the white wings that used to be so comfortable to me. They didn’t show up. Then, I remembered that I have my own wings. I let them emerge from my back; reds, oranges and yellows....fire....phoenix wings. These wings wrapped around me, making me feel w
phoenix
arm and safe. My wings made me feel safe. Me. Mine. Me. I made me feel safe. That’s a first for me.

All of this happened during the last 10 minutes of meditation. Though I see the growth, it did piss me off. Can’t even enjoy silence without that shit creeping in with no warning.

I think I’ve figured out why. It’s because I’m opening up to a new person in my life. Whenever I do that, it stirs this stuff up. It stirs up the darkness, the fear, the trust issues. I feel vulnerable. I’m at the point with this new person that they can hurt me. And I admitted it to them. I feel super vulnerable. They are handling it well. But, in the meantime, I have flashbacks to a truly horrible time. This is why I don’t open myself up to new people, unless it’s on my terms.

I have to meditate again in the morning. Not sure that I want to.
Comments