Trigger warning

It's all my fault (could be triggering)


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When you are raised in an alcoholic household, with an abusive father and an enabling mother….you learn to believe that everything is your fault.

‘If only you hadn’t…..(fill in the blank)….I wouldn’t have reacted that way.’

‘if you’d just not talked to that boy on the phone, I wouldn’t have ripped the phone out of the wall.’

‘if you hadn’t gotten upset when I tried to drown your dog, I wouldn’t have knocked your bedroom door down’

‘if only you had gotten up faster from your homework when your mom called you, I wouldn’t have thrown the ashtray at your head’

‘if only you had changed the station fast enough, I wouldn’t have taken the tv away’

‘if only you didn’t exist, I wouldn’t go out to drink’

‘if only you didn’t exist, I could have been a stewardess’
 

Or other messages:

‘I’m not helping you get into college. You just think you’re better than us.’

‘You’re so pretty, I can’t help myself’
 

All of it, my fault. A child. Adults not taking responsibility for their actions.
 

So, now, someone doesn’t speak to me, my fault.

Someone doesn’t come to a workshop, my fault.

Someone snaps at me, my fault.



And I find myself apologizing even when my logic tells me it’s not my fault, but my emotions tell me differently. 
Could be triggering…..sometimes my posts aren’t happy little posts….
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Worthy of Being Protected *trigger warning*

*Trigger Warning*

Sorry for the Trigger warning…but not knowing who is reading this and what their background may be, i thought i’d put it out there. i have childhood abuse issues. Though i try not to give details, some things are hard not to talk about and still give a full story. So, though i don’t recount the horror, there are pieces that could trigger your own stuff by reading this. Please be aware.

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It’s frustrating to realize that somethings that happen today, at the age of 49, still trigger fears from the past. Will it always be this way? Probably. At least I’m more aware of it now, but it’s still frustrating.

For example, at work. This woman there has been getting more and more passive/aggressive. So, much so that I started looking for other work. Twice I’ve had to stop conversations with her because of her aggressiveness. The first time I told her that the conversation was over. The second time I just told her ‘no’, when she started to raise her voice. This didn’t go over well. Not well at all.

She then sent me a message stating that that was strike 2. Now, I’m feeling threatened. Threatened enough that I don’t feel safe at work anymore. Threatened enough to want to walk away from the job. It all feels passive/aggressive and manipulative. I don’t deal well with that.

Then, per normal, I start looking at my actions. Maybe I did something to cause this. What did I do? I can’t think of anything. Not acceptable. Of course I did something. Why else would someone treat me this way? But, I just can’t think of anything. Think harder dawn.

Wait. Why can’t it just be their fault? Why does it have to be because I did something wrong? Oh yeah. Because that is what I was raised to believe. Someone else’s actions were always my fault. I caused things to happen, even at the age of 4 when I was first abused. The person doing the abusing was never at fault. So, here at work, as a grown adult, I’m trying to convince myself that I’ve done something wrong.

On top of that, is the idea of telling someone. I really didn’t want to tell anyone. But, I wanted to keep my job. I needed to tell someone or I would walk away from a great job that gives me time off when I need it so that I can do my traveling/presenting. I don’t want to quit my job, so I need to talk to someone before it escalates beyond a level I can handle.

Terrifying prospect. I was still convinced that if I told someone and they looked at the situation hard enough, they would find it to be my fault. Damn 15 years of the perpetrators words whispering in my head. They (the perps of long ago) convinced me that if I ever told, I would be sent away. You would think that would be a good thing. But, to a child, being sent to strangers is even more scary than staying in a bad situation. What do they say? It’s easier to stay with the monster you know, than the monster you don’t’ know? Something like that. Plus, we are talking about brainwashing that started at the age of 4 through my teen years, until I left home at 18. During this whole time, I was told it was my fault and if I told anyone, I would be thrown away.

Those tapes are still in my head. It’s my fault. I’ll be thrown away. I’m not worth being protected.

But, my company took me by surprise. They looked at the logs of the conversations between me and the woman I complained about. Not only was my complaint justified, they found other spots that they considered unprofessional and asked if I wanted to file complaints about those. I said ‘no’. I was still surprised that they were taking my side. Protecting me. Letting me know that I was of value to them. Not what I expected.

Wow. This was a first for me. I was right. I hadn’t done anything wrong and it really was the other person acting unprofessional.
I’m still not sure what to do with that.

The other person actually offered to apologize to me. And did so. I accepted the apology. That’s something i never had happen in the past either.

Who knows what happens from here on out.

Will it layer onto the past? Will I be able to get to the point where I truly accept it wasn’t my fault? Where I can believe that I was worthy of being protected?

Who knows, but it’s possible. 
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Feeling Broken, Regardless (trigger warning)

Feeling Broken

Wrote the journal entry twice here....chopped out triggering parts .....and still deleted it.

Broken on the inside and i have gotten so good at hiding it, that unless i mention it, no one knows.


Suck it up buttercup.
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Changing Body

My body is changing. There is no doubt about it. I’m losing weight and my body is sagging. It’s frustrating. It’s finally the right time (emotionally/mentally) for me to be ok with losing weight, and now my body won’t shrink with the weight loss.

I posted this frustration recently and someone responded with the fact that they were hating their body again after their weight loss. I realized this is happening with me as well. I don’t want to post any recent pictures that don’t have me fully covered. And I don’t want to hate my body again. We’ve had a love hate relationship for a very long time. It comes from the past abuse. I know it does. It’s the shame attached to my body. It’s the hate of my body being used against me. But, that doesn’t make it any easier to move past. The only thing that worked was the work Master put into my growth. He worked with me little by little ....well sometimes he kicked me in the ass. But, through his help and acceptance of my body, I learned to love it. Or at least be ok with it.

Now, he still accepts it. The boyfriend accepts it. But, I’m having a hard time.

Well, when things like this happen....namely ‘resistance’.....the Universe puts something in my path to make me think about things. For instance, I went to Winter Wickedness over the weekend. I volunteered to demo for two workshops. The first one would have been challenging body image wise. It was for a squirting class. I would have done it and I’m sure the presenter wouldn’t have minded my size, but I would have worried about it during the whole class. Luckily, or unluckily (if that is even a word)....I was only a back up and he ended up not needing me.

Instead, I ended up demoing for Lee Harrington’s class, on how to use clothes for bondage. Well, I needed to bring clothes that were ok to be torn or used, so I brought clothes that were too big for me. My old clothes that used to be too tight. I even brought a pair of my old pink granny panties. As I was pulling them out of Goodwill bags, I realized that since I’d be working with Lee, it could actually become ritualistic. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to mention to Lee what these close were or what they meant to me, because knowing how spiritual and rites of passage oriented Lee is, I had a feeling it would turn into something else.

Well, when I go there, the other demo person that I had been told had backed out, was there as well. Lee decided to use both of us. I went ahead and him about the pink granny panties. He said we’d absolutely use those for humiliation play. Great! Not! So, now I’m worried as I stand to the side while he works with the first demo person. Then, he turns to me, has me strip in front of the class....asking if I’m ok with it. I’m ok with it but not liking it. He then tells everyone that my body is changing and that I’ve made a conscious choice to change it even though it’s not turning out the way I’d like. And that it’s beautiful. He then has me put on the pink panties, mentioning that I do a lot for the community and am very brave to get up in front of everyone. He kneels and writes on my panties that I am awesome. Stands up and says that positive words can be used for humiliation. He then asks people in the audience if they want to write something on my panties. Someone from the audience stands up and writes on them that I am fun to be with. I think I’m pretty red at this point. Not what I expected at all.

He finally lets me put on a sweatshirt and showed off some things that can be done. As well as a t-shirt over my head and tried to water board me. Scary stuff. All the while I’m standing there in my pink panties.

At the end of the workshop, I had someone come up to me and tell me that she was so appreciative of what I had done. This surprised me because I would consider her a very beautiful lady. But, she wanted me to know that she thought I was very brave to do what I did and then cried on my shoulder. Wow. How so very powerful!

I think I’m going to have to have a cutting old big clothes off ritual when I lose some more. The feeling is very powerful. Someone mentioned to me that they didn’t want to write nice things on my panties, they had the urge to cut them off instead. I almost let him. But, would rather have it part of a bigger ritual I think. Yeah, that is sounding pretty needed, for me to accept my body again.

But, I would like to hit a number that I’ve been striving for for a very long time: 220 pounds. Why 220? I have no clue except that it looks pretty and has been at the bottom of any weight loss chart that I’ve designed, going back more than 15 years. Maybe I should wait for 199? That was the goal I had in my early 20’s after having my oldest son. But, it doesn’t look as pretty for some reason.

Maybe, one ritual at 220 and the other at 199? I’m not sure, i’ll have to wait and see how it feels when I hit those weights. For now, I have to keep working at it. 10 more pounds to go for the first number. And I’d like to hit it at the end of this weigh in challenge.

I also have a tattoo in mind once I hit one of these numbers. The Japanese symbol for ‘courage’.
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