Crack My Shell

On my way home tonight, after chatting with someone at my office during a meeting, I came to a realization that I’m not exactly sure what to do with.

In my relationships, I want to be allowed to be weak. Not all the time in general, but when I need to be. I don’t want to have to hide my weaknesses.

I’ve fallen into the trap again of always being needed to be seen as strong and powerful. I’m not. Yes, I can organize and lead. Yes, I can manage others. Yes, I can make things happen. Yes, I’ve overcome some amazing odds and horrible conditions. In fact, I probably shouldn’t be here.

But, there are moments that I need to just be weak, and soft and squishy, and vulnerable, without the worry that I’ll be seen as broken or incapable. I need to cry and have someone hold me and help me blow my nose. I need to be able to share my flashbacks and my anxiety. I need to share my soft inner self. I need to be able to drop my shell that I hide behind so well.

It seems my shell has thickened once again. I know it’s to protect myself. There is only one person in my life that I’ve been able to drop that shell around. And even with him, it’s not all the time. I don’t want to be a bother. Nothing new. I’ve always felt like that. But, sometimes I just feel so fragile and it’s very hard to admit to.