Foot Stompy

I wrote this over a month ago…..wait …almost 2 months ago….but it still applies

I’ve been having a real hard time lately.
2 things….one I can put on my blog and one that I can’t because the men in my life might read it and I don’t want it to be taken passive aggressively.
The one I can blog about is about my weight loss. Only a few more pounds to go to reach a long time goal. Yet, for some reason it’s taking forever to lose this last couple of pounds. Then, I come across 3 different peoples facebooks and it frustrates me. 2 had the surgery and 1 is on a liquid diet. Now, the one on a liquid diet, kudos. She could have easily been a candidate for the surgery but decided to take a different route. She’s lost over 140 pounds in less than a year.

But, the other 2. One definitely needed it for her health. The other, not so much. Doesn’t matter. It’s taken me over 8 years of hard work and psychological struggle to get this 90 some pounds off….and I’m watching them melt away in a matter of months. No exercise. Poof. Or at least that’s what it looks like from my vantage point.


It’s not feeling fair. Why did it take me so long? I don’t begrudge them…..but doing it the hard way, is hard! Changing my foods, exercise, always having to set new goals. Struggle, struggle for many, many years.

I’m feeling very foot stompy and almost wishing that I’d done the surgery. All this missed time of me being stubborn and wanting to do things on my own instead of taking short cuts. Was it worth it? I don’t know.

Challenges and Weight Loss

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Just some free flowing chatter about my weight loss challenges over the last 8 years.

*edited to take out some of the ‘thoughs’

It’s taken me 8 years to lose this much weight.

Sometimes, the idea is frustrating that it’s taken 8 years. But, at least I’m at where I’m at today. It could be that I was still at the beginning and not working on it for the last 8 years. I think that would be more frustrating.

Why 8 years? Why not the surgery or a fad diet plan that would take it off quicker? Well, honestly, the surgery scared me. I know people that have had it done and it be successful, and I know others that have had it done and it ruin their life. So, it was going to be the hard way, or not at all.

Yes, I know that doing the surgery is hard as well, but I still think it’s the easier route or else the surgery wouldn’t be needed. Maybe I shouldn’t say ‘harder’ and ‘easier’ though. Just different.

I’m glad I didn’t do the surgery though. To be honest, I will admit that there were times when I was frustrated enough to give in to it. Which frustrated me more. But, there were times when i just wanted it to be ‘after’. To be after the struggle, after figuring out food, after all the exercise. Not sure if that makes sense, unless you’ve also been through that struggle.

As for why not do a fad diet that would drop the weight quick? Well, honestly, I did those many times. They never worked. I’d lose a little for a couple of weeks, get frustrated and gain it all back plus more. I was following my moms footsteps and was not looking forward to a lifetime of yo-yo dieting.

So, what I’ve done instead is change up my eating to match what my body thrives on. For me, that’s low carb, high protein. It’s hard to stick to sometimes. And I’ve done sections of time where I’ve switched to counting calories. They both work, but the low carb one is easier for me to stick to for some reason.

The main thing I’ve worked on besides food, is the exercise portion. I’ve had to change it up a lot over the years, because there isn’t one plan that seems to keep me motivated.

I was just going through some old journals that I was scanning, and realized that I’ve done some really creative things over the years to keep up with the exercising. It can’t stay the same or it gets to boring. And it’s got to be a challenge for me.

Master has set up a couple of contests, and I’ve set up some goals for myself. They’ve all worked.
Let’s see……for over a year, I was challenged by Master to walk at least 20 miles a week. If I did, I won a reward. Sometimes that was really hard! If I didn’t get my walking in at the beginning of the week, it left me walking 7-9 miles at a time just to get my 20 miles in. But, I did it more than not. More to prove that I could.

After that, or even during that same time, Master had a contest where if you exercise for 5 days, and stuck to a food plan, you get a skip day. We would then keep track and the first person to take a skip day when they didn’t have any to take, lost, and the other person got an amazon card. That was direct competition and was a lot of fun. Funny enough, we each found ourselves supporting each because neither of us needed the amazon cards.

During this time I was also bike riding, building up to 7 miles a day with a 20 miler once a week, until I blew up my elbow and needed surgery. Once I was allowed to exercise after surgery, I started training for a 5k. Ended up with a cyst and even more surgery. No more jogging, but I was allowed to walk. So, I decided to train to walk a half-marathon. I knew I’d have to go back to work at some point after that summer, so that was my chance to train for this. That was a summer for of walking!

Once that was accomplished, it was time to train for a 5k again. But, I kept hurting myself each time I trained for it. So, I as soon as I started my new job and had a little money, I got a personal trainer. First once a week and then twice a week. That was a year of having my butt kicked, but it was amazing work! At the end of my time with him, I trained for a 5k again and finally succeed in jogging a complete 5k!

We also did a 12 week challenge with a local running store. That helped me get off 9 pounds and look at my food choices. 3 of us did it and though we weren’t really in competition with each other, it was still motivating.

We’ve done it between the 3 of us over the last year, every 12 weeks. Sometimes it was motivating, sometimes not.

Not only that, but for some crazy reason I also trained on my own for a mud ninja. Crazy! But oh so fulfilling even though I only did about ½ the challenges.

During all of this, the weight is coming off. 40 pounds, 50 pounds….up until the point I’m at now at 90 pounds off.

What is my next challenge? I have a 5k coming up in a couple of weeks and another mud ninja next summer. But, I’ve already jogged a 5k and a mud ninja. So, what’s next? What else can I do before the next mud ninja? I want to lose 30 more pounds and I just can’t seem to do it without challenges.

The 12 week challenges don’t seem to work anymore. Jog a half marathon? Yeah, probably not. Jogging is boring for me. Biking? That would be fun, but it’s turning to fall and I won’t be able to train during the winter. I can start that in the spring.
There has got to be something else…….i want to get off this last 10-30 pounds. What would challenge me and be fun?


Before and After

I read this blog post by someone that had reached her goal weight, and she describes how she may be at her ‘after’, but that she will never be done with the challenge of reaching ‘after’.

This writing totally resonated with me. It’s a journey, not an end goal. And I’m enjoying the journey and the experience.

She mentions, “truthfully, I have no idea who I am without “needs to lose weight” being one of the primary parts of my identity.”

I’m not at my ‘after’ yet. I’m not even sure where my ‘after’ would be. I think it would be at 199 pounds. Simply because that’s a number that I’ve wanted to be at since have my oldest son, Travis, who is now getting ready to turn 29. But, is that really my ‘after’? I don’t know. Will I keep going? Will I want to? Maybe I don’t know how to be a person without “needing to lose weight” as part of my identity.

I’ve also been thinking of this as a journey. It’s taken me 10 years to lose this 90 pounds. And I’m not as much in a hurry to lose the next 10 I need to lose to get to 199 pounds. Is it because I don’t think I can do it? Because I don’t want to be at the end of the journey? Because I’m afraid of falling off the wagon and gaining it all back? Everyone else seems to be in a hurry for me to lose it. Even this morning, I stepped on the scale with the trainer and had gained back 2 pounds. I thought he was going to have a hissy fit. Up 2 pounds. Big whoop. I could not eat today and lose that weight. Instead, I’m not going to worry about it. I don’t have an end goal. I don’t have an end time. I don’t know what ‘after’ looks like. I’m enjoying the journey though.

She says, “There is no After – happily ever or otherwise. There is only today. Just today – During.”

I love this idea and will continue to journey and experience the new things I can do because of the weightloss and strengthening.

About her Before picture, she says, “Don’t look at her as an abomination, because enough people, myself included, did that already. Don’t tell me I look better; I don’t. I look different. Don’t congratulate me on no longer being her; I still am her. And doesn’t she deserve to be? Don’t speak of her as if she is a poor, piteous person. She’s not. She is me. “

Wow, do I totally agree with this. When I show my before picture, I almost don’t want to see the reaction of the person I show it to. Because when people react to how large I am in that picture and they say anything negative about it, or turn around and say something positive about the current me…..I want to remind them that I am the same girl. The person they are putting down in the before picture is standing right in front of them. I’m not better now, I’m different. And I’m still me regardless if I’m Before or After. I am deserving of love regardless of what size I am. The Before deserves just as much love as the After.

Life is a journey and we are still ourselves. And this is during.

Yes I’m proud of the work I’ve done. But, it’s also about learning to love me where I’m at. And to do that I have to love all of me, including the Before and the After and the During.

I’m enjoying this journey, doing things I’ve never done before. I’m enjoying the new experiences with buying clothes and jogging, and everything else I do.

I still struggle with food. I’m still militant with sugar so that I don’t fall off the wagon. I still make exercises a very high priority. And after 10 years of this, I’m still not at my After.

Oh yea, there is no After. I’ll just continue doing what it is that I’m doing so that I can continue to have new experiences.

It’s almost time to take that next picture next to the frog.

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Mud Ninja


I can feel the fear in the pit of my stomach.

Recently, we were invited to do the ‘Mud Ninja’. I actually find this idea a little terrifying. Yes, I can walk a half marathon. Yes, I can jog a 5k. Yes, I’ve lost almost 90 pounds in the last 10 years. But, the ‘Mud Ninja’….. I watched the youtube video and it’s a lot of upper body strength stuff or jumping across pits.

I’m not sure I’ve lost enough weight to do that. Even after a full year of working with my personal trainer, I’m not sure that I have the strength. The person that invited us, specifically says…..” And if you can't do a single pull-up, it might not be fair to expect us to pull you over every obstacle we come to.” I totally agree with that, but I know that I can’t do a pull-up, and don’t know if I ever will be able to.

So, can I do this? It would definitely give me a goal to work towards, though I’m working on spending up my time for running a 5k as it is. Can I work on both? I’m not sure. And I was just getting comfortable with giving up my trainer. I don’t know that I can prep for an event like this one, without his help.

Honestly, I don’t want to be the ‘big girl’ being pointed at. Logically, I know that won’t happen, but emotionally it’s a different story.

Though, there is a child inside of me that thinks this would be fun. In the past, I’ve been too big to allow that child to come out and play. She would be disappointed and in the end, humiliated. But, maybe it’s time to move past that.

But, I’m almost 48. What am I thinking of? Then again, if not now, when?

And mud. Lots of mud. I’ve done that before when I got to stay and play on Great Fox Island in the Chesapeake Bay in Jr. High while attending a summer camp. But, we were playing and hiking through the mud. This event will be about trying to get through mud pits and walking logs, and ….mud.


At least their won’t be fiddler crabs and fish eggs/poo in the this mud. I hope.

It’s time to train.

This event is at the end of July. That gives me 3 ½ months to train. Strength training for this event and working on my speed for running the 5k. Should be interesting, since I’ll have to work on my eating as well.


Running my first 5k

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I can’t believe that I finally jogged a 5k. It’s pretty amazing that I finally did it after 10 years of trying to train for it.

The first time was around 10 years ago. Dan used to walk/jog behind me with a clock and tell me when it was time to jog and time to walk, using the couch to 5k plan. The actual goal was to be able to outrun monsters while LARPing. Or to at least have the stamina to run.

So, I was training. Then, we went to a week long at Vargas camp, and I ended up stepping on a stone, which caused a heel spur, which I didn’t know I had, to rip through my tissue in my heel. It was months of healing and cortisone shots. It took me a couple of years before I tried again.

A few years back, after losing some weight, I tried again. The laptrack at the gym was my friend. This type I ended up with a euethral cyst that needed to be removed. Surgery. The stalled me again.

After recovery, I gave up on the jogging and trained to walk a half-marathon instead. I accomplished that. I put myself through a lot of pain to do that training, but I didn’t break anything.

Unfortunately, I had stressed the hip flexor while training for the half marathon, but pushed my way through it. Even sleeping on my sides at night was painful. There were many nights where tramadol was my friend. But, it was worth it to reach that goal. I did end up in enough pain to have physical therapy ordered. Oh yay! Not.

Then, I started a new job which really cut into my training time. I just didn’t have the time to train for another half marathon, so I switched back to the c25k. I’d lost a lot of weight, walked a 13 mile race. It was time to try the running again. I printed out the c25k plan, doubled the time from one week to two weeks for each week and started at the lap track. About 4 weeks into the plan, which was really 7 weeks because I had doubled everything…..I was feeling all cocky at the gym on the laptrack and misstepped a mile or so into my jog. Tore that stressed hip flexor.

More pain. But, damn it, I was closer than I had made it before and I was determined to try again. This time I would do it smart though. With the new job, I could now afford a personal trainer. Luckily, my husband had been suggesting that for years, so it was an easy decision for him. I hadn’t had any luck with trainers before. They just couldn’t work with my physical issues, or my weight or whatever and I actually considered most of them morons. But, I went on facebook and asked around and someone was suggested, actually highly recommended, for large girls by a large girl. So, I gave him a try.

Wow. What a great decision! I’ve been going to him for a year, and last Saturday I jogged my first 5k.

I’ve been seeing Steve twice a week for a year, and it was well worth it! I see him again in two days for the last time. He’ll go over some plans he’s designed for me so that I can continue to work out on my own. And I’ll be training to race another race in 2 weeks.

I think I can outrun the monsters now.

Maybe I should sign up for a zombie run.


Fear of Losing Weight

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I know I’ve written about this before. But, for many years I’ve known that I’ve been scared to lose weight.

I used to joke about how my weight was my armor. And the night I asked a kiniesiologist what my problem was with the fact that I couldn’t lose weight…she was able to pinpoint how I used it as armove because of the abuse I exposed to as a child. (of course, this experience with her was the catalyst that threw me into the fire of my healing path)

Fast forward to last night. I was looking through some paperwork that I had stored in my black cube in the livingroom, looking for my folder from last years taxes. Instead, I came across old journals and old guided meditations, among some other interesting papers that I’m going to scan. In these journals was my fear journal that I used to keep. This journal is from 2005.

Funny, I was just talking about that journal at work, because the main fear I wrote about was my fear of guns. In this fear journal, I had a picture of a gun, I wrote about how I witnessed my parents fighting over one, and there was also a receipt for the concealed course I took so that I could learn how to face my fear. Great stuff to re-read.

Then, I went to the next entry. It was about my weight and how my next fear to punch through was losing weight. I did some free form writing in that journal and wrote about how I knew it was time to work on it, because I had been in a restaurant recently and when I went the bathroom, there was a little Japanese women going in in front of me. She looked at me as if to say, ‘American women, so glutonus with no control over their eating.’ And my thought was, ‘well at least I don’t look like a little girl’. And how that threw up a red flag as to what my issue was, once again. It was a physical reaction when it happened. It was time to realize that I’m not a little girl anymore and that I can protect myself from the predators out there.

That was in 2005 when I was probably at my highest weight. 298. It was soon after that , that I developed a gluten intolerance that kept me from eating well for a couple of years. It took that long to figure out what was going on with my stomach, and during that time I lost about 30 pounds, which was the beginning of my current weight loss streak. In the past 10 years, I’ve lost 87 pounds and have walked a half-marathon, and am currently training to run a 5k.

I highly recommend walking through fears.


Results of working with Freya

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The only thing that I can imagine that happened, is that Freya came through me full force after my research of her, my search for an amber pendant to honor her and my writing about her all last week. Because Friday night, I was super empowered at the event we were at. I had an attitude that wouldn’t quit!

I felt secure about myself. I felt secure with my husband. I felt secure with how I looked and I could care less if people found me intimidating, because I felt sexy! I dressed in a short short black tight skirt, white shirt and my Leather PXS vest, knowing I was going on stage in front of 400 people. Didn’t matter. I usually feel frumpy with what I wear, but I was feeling hot. And I got a lot of comments and ‘I want to eat you up’ looks from many people. It was awesome to be on stage like that.

I went back to the room after the opening ceremonies to change for the evening and once I figured out what I was going to wear, that attitude doubled in strength when I saw myself in the mirror. I left our hotel room in a short black dress with a corset, fishnet stockings and knee high boots.

Over the years, and even recently, people had been letting me know that I am intimidating to them. For some reason, I always take it personally and start to shut down and become mousy so that I’m not intimidating to anyone. Well, Friday night I was in a ‘bring it on’ attitude.

I keep thinking that when someone says I’m intimidating that it means I’m not being humble and gracious. Which are goals of mine with how I interact with people and myself. So, I would feel like a failure. Well, I’m thinking that maybe I’m misunderstanding what they are saying.

My thought at the moment is humble, gracious, and vivacious. And the ones that can handle that are the ones that get to spend time with me.

And with that attitude, I strutted out of the hotel room. I could feel my husbands/Masters look of surprise.

What I loved about this was, I went out into social land and chatted with everyone I could find. My walls were down. I had nothing to hide, and no one to protect myself from. I was in safe space and could take care of myself.

People were open to me and I ended up with a couple of dates for the weekend and lots of great conversation and flirting through the event. The first ‘date’, dragged me off almost as soon as I got to the social space the first evening. Hot hot hot.

I like this attitude.

Freya, thank you.


The Scale Addiction

The scale addictions is a real thing. Today i’ve been craving stepping on that little white box, which is my Wii platform, to hear it go ....’OH’, when i step on it. Then, to watch as my little mini mi blows up as it calculates my size....waiting to see what the magic number of the day is. Is it a ‘good’ number that i can be proud of? or a ‘bad’ number that i need to be ashamed of, regardless of all the good exercise i’ve done, and the great food choices i’ve made.

i’m on track with all my goals this 12 week period. Walking, Biking, Hiking, good food choices, meditating, personal trainer, no potatoes, less sugar......great choices. So, why do i need to see that number?

A friend of mine sent me an article that is aimed at personal trainers....explaining what can drive the scale number up even when their clients are doing the right thing. From eating something close to the time of weigh in, to water retention from hormones, to stress hormones holding onto chemicals from our food.....lots and lots of things can make that number on the white box fluctuate from 5 - 10 pounds. Amazing!

So, stay off the white box....and keep doing the right thing for getting fit.


No Scale

I’m going to give the Bodhisatva writings a rest for a moment.....not that I don’t still have stuff to write about it, but I’m looking at my list of writing topics and see that I have a lot that have built up over the last few months of not writing daily.

One thing that is on my mind today....is the fact that we started a new 12 week challenge yesterday, and I find that I’m having to work at overcoming an addiction. Food? well, yes and no. The main addiction that I have, is the number on the scale and weighing myself to see what it is. I know that I’ve used this as a took for judging myself for a long time. What number will I be today? Should I feel great about myself, or beat myself up?

Well, my goal right now, is not about losing weight per se, but in getting in better shape. It’s not even about health, because so far my health is fine. It’s about being able to walk up stairs and running if I ever had to, and doing fun things.

So, if the goal isn’t losing weight, yet I’m on the scale once sometimes twice a day....then I’m not focusing on the right goals. The goals of tracking my food and getting in my exercise and meditation. If my numbers are or aren’t moving, I can use them as an excuse to not focus on what is important in my fitness plan.


This means that I bit the bullet and no weighing in for 12 weeks. Though, I do get a chance to modify my goals after 4 weeks of the challenge, which means I could weigh myself then and also decide if that is how i want to finish out the rest of the 12 weeks.

Today, I’ve had the chance to weigh myself 3 times at 3 different places. It’s hard not to give in and I’m only on day 2. Well, really day 1 because we weighed in yesterday for our last day of the last 12 challenge.

I have to remember that it’s just a habit, not an addiction. Though, I could be wrong with that, we’ll see.

I spoke of it on Facebook and Sarah Sloane asked me what I was doing to refocus the energy when the urge struck. I told her that I’m breathing. She responded with ‘breathe and reframe’. Good idea.

Now, I have to concentrate on the goals I did give myself.....

1) Don't weigh self for 12 weeks

2) 78 days recording food/calories in 'My Fitness Pal' app

2a) cut out potatoes/rice
2b) cut out added sugar
2c) cut down on processed foods

3) 67 days exercise (every 5 days earns me 1 day off, starting with 1 day off in the bank)
3a) personal trainer twice a week

3b) 84 miles walking in 84 days (keeping track on runkeeper)
3c) 84 miles biking in 84 days (keeping track on runkeeper)



This has been an unusual weekend.....bodywise....and i’m going to have to be really careful. i couldn’t stop worrying about what i was going to look like up on stage. i brought a lot of clothes to choose from....and then felt that nothing fit or looked right.

The black lace over purple dress, even though bat took in the back of it.....too baggy, so i didn’t wear it. Leggings with flowy shirts, not my my stage presence. Tried on a couple more things, too big.

i ended up wearing a fetish top (black with silver zippers) with red bra and my backup black velvet skirt. And then changed into the white boobylicious shirt for the second half of the presentation. That worked out really well.

It was just weird how body conscious i was.

I mean...even going out to breakfast was a challenge. i ended up with leggings and a new shirt from my shopping trip a couple of months ago. But, i had tried on 3 other things before hand, with Dan telling me that the stuff i was trying on was too baggy or looked like pajamas (over-large shirts).

We went to target to buy some Canadian candy, and i ended up spending most of my time in the clothing dept, to see if i could find something that fit. No luck. Didn’t like the styles.

Then, it’s party time. Thank goodness i brought my standby corset and lacey skirt. Nothing else was working for me. So, i wore that for awhile, enjoyed the comments. We went back to our room to get away from the crowd for a little while, and then changed and went back down. i didn’t want to wear my corset again, so stressed over clothing. i ended up with leggings and a tight black top. Together it looked like a catsuit. Dan was happy with it, and i felt awesome in it.

Last night i ended up snacking a lot before bed. That’s not like me anymore. So, now i’m going to have to be careful and make sure that clothing isn’t going to stress me out so much that i attempt to gain the weight back.


Still a Qadishtu?

I’ve been wondering......will I remember to embrace being Qadishtu while on this path of getting smaller? I thought once I started getting fit again, that I’d be reaching out to help heal others more, through intimacy and sex. But, so far, that hasn’t happened.

It’s probably more about not having time ....no time to look in the mirror and get used to and accept how i look now. No time to be available for people. No time for the new boyfriend or current friends, let alone anyone new that might come into my life.

Will me feeling sexy draw people to me? Will my armor fall away so that others can reach me? I don’t know. I haven’t been this weight since getting pregnant with my second son. He’s 23. That’s 23 years of armor. And add 4 years to that. I was this weight soon after having my first son, and never lost it. Well for a split second I did hit 199, but it scared the shit out of me when my main perp made a pass at me and I gained it all back plus more.

At this point in my life, if that happened now, bad bad things would happen......to him. I have 2 men in my life that would protect me, and that doesn’t count what I’d do to protect myself.

Anyway......that’s beside the point, and I don’t want to go off on a tangent.

I’m at a restaurant waiting for my second man.....he loves how I look, regardless of me being squishy. Though, he doesn’t like my hair cut.....which is too bad, because I’m enjoying it. I was able to drive here with my windows down and not have a mouthful of hair.

Life if good.


Personal Trainer

Once again, I have a couple of things that I’d like to write about.....but I think I’ll take the high road on one of the things. If it still needs to be written after a couple of days, I’ll see if it feels right to give it voice.

In the meantime, my new personal trainer kicked my ass tonight! Though, I’ve tried a personal trainer a couple of times, they were with an introductory package and really didn’t work me. Then, when I couldn’t afford to hire them after the introductory time with them, they tried to sell me other services. One of which I fell for, because of my hip issues. I paid the $100 but it didn’t fix anything.

This guy, tough but compassionate. He works with me, and helps me mimic his instructions. He wants to see me succeed. Though, it is hard to convince him that i’ve already lost 77 pounds on my own.

Well, not really on my own. Without the love, support and motivation of my husband/Master, I never would have made it this far. He loves me for who i am, large or small. But, as he tells me, he wants me to be around for a long time. He wants me to stay healthy. He wants me to make it to the time that we are rocking in rocking chairs on our porch, reminiscing about the past escapades. Though, I’ve pretty much been healthy, obese people usually have more issues as they get older.

So, motivated, supported, loved. And heading straight for 50. I have things that I want to do! I have clothes that i’d love to wear while i’m still cute. :) Ziplining, long bike rides, half-marathons, hiking, .....fun!

After 10 years of walking, biking, kayaking, calorie counting, the gym......77 pounds off. Now, I get to tone up. I’m going to by hurting for the next 12 weeks!

We have a 5k to walk this Saturday. I’m trying not to be bumbed, because this was the 5k that i was supposed to run. Instead I’ll be walking it. I’ve got to get back to being able to jog. That was actually a lot of fun. My trainer will be strengthening my body so that I can finally be able to run without hurting myself.

This has been an amazing journey. Slow and tough at times. Plateaus can be a pain and frustrating. But, I’m loving the results of sticking to it.


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Back on the Wagon


Today, Master and I start on ‘Day One’ of our old way of doing our health tracking system, and point earning system. That was working really well for us and fell by the wayside for me when we started the ‘Movement Challenge’, started my new job and strained my hip at the gym. I haven’t been exercising or meditating with any consistency. So, it’s time! Back on the wagon!

It’s been two weeks since starting the new job and straining my hip. I need to figure out how I’m going to schedule my day so that I get in my exercise, meditation and writing. One of the thoughts is to get a personal trainer. Dan has been suggesting this for a long time, but we just haven’t had the money. I’ve tried a personal trainer here and there over the last couple of years, but when the trial packets run out, I stop seeing them. So, it’s time. Dan has given me a name, Lady Di is seeing someone she likes, and I wouldn’t mind the Personal Training Studio that I’ve used before because they will help me with my hip and calf issues. Actually, I just looked at their pricing for their Polaris place and it’s pretty cheap if I want to share a slot with someone. I’ll be making phone calls today.

As for meditation, wow, we just have to figure out when to do it. We were able to this morning because I planned on not going to the gym and just being with Dan before he left for Chicago for work. We had such a great weekend and I really didn’t want it to end. Still don’t.  When would be the best time? We already know that evening doesn’t work for us. So, we need to do it in the morning. But, if I’m going to start taking Ginger in at 7am so that I can get to the gym, that means leaving our home at 6:50am. Yuck! I will HAVE to start getting up at 5:50, dressed and lunch made and work clothes in my gym bag. Meditate, kiss Master, grab lunch, water bottle and coffee/tea and then out the door. Don’t like it, but it’s needed to stay on a good mental/physical/spiritual track.

Today, meditation is done. Writing (this) is done, will track calories all day. Now, just need to figure out when to exercise.

Body Acceptance

Well, it’s kind of funny how things happen. I was going to post my ‘Changing Body’ writing to get, but instead came across a writing in a Trauma Survivors group about calling people out on being fat and having a food addiction and being unhealthy because they are fat.

That totally tripped me out. I had to wait a full 24 hours before responding to it and only did so because people responding were acting like it was ok to call someone out because they were fat.

Personally, I’d consider that very rude. What gives someone the right to ‘call someone out’, with the excuse of saying it’s because you believe someone is unhealthy?

So, I’m going to post what I had to say here. I think I handled it pretty even-handedly.....but as someone that is having problems with body acceptance lately, I can’t even imagine if someone came up to me and tome me I had to lose weight because they are concerned that I’m unhealthy. My numbers are better than most people I know and I exercise more than most I know (except Master...He’s hard core) :)

Well, i've been thinking and thinking about this....trying not to take it personally and making sure my feelings are not coming from a trigger. And from what i can tell, they aren't. But, i do feel very strongly about this. And my opinion seems to be different than others that have answered. i'm totally ok with that.

i am a fat woman. i am a healthy fat woman. All of my numbers are in normal range except for my iron because of my gluten issues. i walk half-marathons, i'm training to run a 5k this spring. Not that i need to defend myself or my size.

Regardless, if someone decided to 'call me out' on being fat, not only would i consider it rude, but i would seriously wonder why someone felt the need to be in my business. We are all mirrors of each other and if someone felt the need to call me out on something that is bothering them, i would highly suggest looking in the mirror to see what it is about themselves that they see reflected that is bothering them and then advise they work on their own issues.

Supposedly, i belong to a community that is about acceptance and it is not for me to judge peoples personal preferences in how they live their lives.

i was just at a weekend event over the weekend and it was full of beautiful people, and yes some of them were fat and feeling very comfortable in their own skin. i love the atmosphere where we are accepted for who we are.

So, if someone decides to walk away from me because of my 'addictions', whatever they think that may be, that's their choice. Personally, i think i'm a great person, beautiful even and someone that gives back to the community a hundred fold. To judge me on my size.....tsk tsk.

Besides, the only person i have to answer to is my Master. :)

Just my 2 cents worth.....



Changing Body

My body is changing. There is no doubt about it. I’m losing weight and my body is sagging. It’s frustrating. It’s finally the right time (emotionally/mentally) for me to be ok with losing weight, and now my body won’t shrink with the weight loss.

I posted this frustration recently and someone responded with the fact that they were hating their body again after their weight loss. I realized this is happening with me as well. I don’t want to post any recent pictures that don’t have me fully covered. And I don’t want to hate my body again. We’ve had a love hate relationship for a very long time. It comes from the past abuse. I know it does. It’s the shame attached to my body. It’s the hate of my body being used against me. But, that doesn’t make it any easier to move past. The only thing that worked was the work Master put into my growth. He worked with me little by little ....well sometimes he kicked me in the ass. But, through his help and acceptance of my body, I learned to love it. Or at least be ok with it.

Now, he still accepts it. The boyfriend accepts it. But, I’m having a hard time.

Well, when things like this happen....namely ‘resistance’.....the Universe puts something in my path to make me think about things. For instance, I went to Winter Wickedness over the weekend. I volunteered to demo for two workshops. The first one would have been challenging body image wise. It was for a squirting class. I would have done it and I’m sure the presenter wouldn’t have minded my size, but I would have worried about it during the whole class. Luckily, or unluckily (if that is even a word)....I was only a back up and he ended up not needing me.

Instead, I ended up demoing for Lee Harrington’s class, on how to use clothes for bondage. Well, I needed to bring clothes that were ok to be torn or used, so I brought clothes that were too big for me. My old clothes that used to be too tight. I even brought a pair of my old pink granny panties. As I was pulling them out of Goodwill bags, I realized that since I’d be working with Lee, it could actually become ritualistic. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to mention to Lee what these close were or what they meant to me, because knowing how spiritual and rites of passage oriented Lee is, I had a feeling it would turn into something else.

Well, when I go there, the other demo person that I had been told had backed out, was there as well. Lee decided to use both of us. I went ahead and him about the pink granny panties. He said we’d absolutely use those for humiliation play. Great! Not! So, now I’m worried as I stand to the side while he works with the first demo person. Then, he turns to me, has me strip in front of the class....asking if I’m ok with it. I’m ok with it but not liking it. He then tells everyone that my body is changing and that I’ve made a conscious choice to change it even though it’s not turning out the way I’d like. And that it’s beautiful. He then has me put on the pink panties, mentioning that I do a lot for the community and am very brave to get up in front of everyone. He kneels and writes on my panties that I am awesome. Stands up and says that positive words can be used for humiliation. He then asks people in the audience if they want to write something on my panties. Someone from the audience stands up and writes on them that I am fun to be with. I think I’m pretty red at this point. Not what I expected at all.

He finally lets me put on a sweatshirt and showed off some things that can be done. As well as a t-shirt over my head and tried to water board me. Scary stuff. All the while I’m standing there in my pink panties.

At the end of the workshop, I had someone come up to me and tell me that she was so appreciative of what I had done. This surprised me because I would consider her a very beautiful lady. But, she wanted me to know that she thought I was very brave to do what I did and then cried on my shoulder. Wow. How so very powerful!

I think I’m going to have to have a cutting old big clothes off ritual when I lose some more. The feeling is very powerful. Someone mentioned to me that they didn’t want to write nice things on my panties, they had the urge to cut them off instead. I almost let him. But, would rather have it part of a bigger ritual I think. Yeah, that is sounding pretty needed, for me to accept my body again.

But, I would like to hit a number that I’ve been striving for for a very long time: 220 pounds. Why 220? I have no clue except that it looks pretty and has been at the bottom of any weight loss chart that I’ve designed, going back more than 15 years. Maybe I should wait for 199? That was the goal I had in my early 20’s after having my oldest son. But, it doesn’t look as pretty for some reason.

Maybe, one ritual at 220 and the other at 199? I’m not sure, i’ll have to wait and see how it feels when I hit those weights. For now, I have to keep working at it. 10 more pounds to go for the first number. And I’d like to hit it at the end of this weigh in challenge.

I also have a tattoo in mind once I hit one of these numbers. The Japanese symbol for ‘courage’.