Winter Wickedness

Changing Body

My body is changing. There is no doubt about it. I’m losing weight and my body is sagging. It’s frustrating. It’s finally the right time (emotionally/mentally) for me to be ok with losing weight, and now my body won’t shrink with the weight loss.

I posted this frustration recently and someone responded with the fact that they were hating their body again after their weight loss. I realized this is happening with me as well. I don’t want to post any recent pictures that don’t have me fully covered. And I don’t want to hate my body again. We’ve had a love hate relationship for a very long time. It comes from the past abuse. I know it does. It’s the shame attached to my body. It’s the hate of my body being used against me. But, that doesn’t make it any easier to move past. The only thing that worked was the work Master put into my growth. He worked with me little by little ....well sometimes he kicked me in the ass. But, through his help and acceptance of my body, I learned to love it. Or at least be ok with it.

Now, he still accepts it. The boyfriend accepts it. But, I’m having a hard time.

Well, when things like this happen....namely ‘resistance’.....the Universe puts something in my path to make me think about things. For instance, I went to Winter Wickedness over the weekend. I volunteered to demo for two workshops. The first one would have been challenging body image wise. It was for a squirting class. I would have done it and I’m sure the presenter wouldn’t have minded my size, but I would have worried about it during the whole class. Luckily, or unluckily (if that is even a word)....I was only a back up and he ended up not needing me.

Instead, I ended up demoing for Lee Harrington’s class, on how to use clothes for bondage. Well, I needed to bring clothes that were ok to be torn or used, so I brought clothes that were too big for me. My old clothes that used to be too tight. I even brought a pair of my old pink granny panties. As I was pulling them out of Goodwill bags, I realized that since I’d be working with Lee, it could actually become ritualistic. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to mention to Lee what these close were or what they meant to me, because knowing how spiritual and rites of passage oriented Lee is, I had a feeling it would turn into something else.

Well, when I go there, the other demo person that I had been told had backed out, was there as well. Lee decided to use both of us. I went ahead and him about the pink granny panties. He said we’d absolutely use those for humiliation play. Great! Not! So, now I’m worried as I stand to the side while he works with the first demo person. Then, he turns to me, has me strip in front of the class....asking if I’m ok with it. I’m ok with it but not liking it. He then tells everyone that my body is changing and that I’ve made a conscious choice to change it even though it’s not turning out the way I’d like. And that it’s beautiful. He then has me put on the pink panties, mentioning that I do a lot for the community and am very brave to get up in front of everyone. He kneels and writes on my panties that I am awesome. Stands up and says that positive words can be used for humiliation. He then asks people in the audience if they want to write something on my panties. Someone from the audience stands up and writes on them that I am fun to be with. I think I’m pretty red at this point. Not what I expected at all.

He finally lets me put on a sweatshirt and showed off some things that can be done. As well as a t-shirt over my head and tried to water board me. Scary stuff. All the while I’m standing there in my pink panties.

At the end of the workshop, I had someone come up to me and tell me that she was so appreciative of what I had done. This surprised me because I would consider her a very beautiful lady. But, she wanted me to know that she thought I was very brave to do what I did and then cried on my shoulder. Wow. How so very powerful!

I think I’m going to have to have a cutting old big clothes off ritual when I lose some more. The feeling is very powerful. Someone mentioned to me that they didn’t want to write nice things on my panties, they had the urge to cut them off instead. I almost let him. But, would rather have it part of a bigger ritual I think. Yeah, that is sounding pretty needed, for me to accept my body again.

But, I would like to hit a number that I’ve been striving for for a very long time: 220 pounds. Why 220? I have no clue except that it looks pretty and has been at the bottom of any weight loss chart that I’ve designed, going back more than 15 years. Maybe I should wait for 199? That was the goal I had in my early 20’s after having my oldest son. But, it doesn’t look as pretty for some reason.

Maybe, one ritual at 220 and the other at 199? I’m not sure, i’ll have to wait and see how it feels when I hit those weights. For now, I have to keep working at it. 10 more pounds to go for the first number. And I’d like to hit it at the end of this weigh in challenge.

I also have a tattoo in mind once I hit one of these numbers. The Japanese symbol for ‘courage’.
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