abuse survivor

Vulnerability - possible trigger warning

Watching a Ted Talk on vulnerability.
 
I know allowing vulnerability is the key to loving and living fully. And I teach this concept. But, it’s hard for me to embrace in my own life. When I do though, life is so fulfilling.

But, I numb vulnerability. I don’t mean to. If falls into the category of protecting myself.

As she says though, we can’t selectively numb specific emotions. When we numb anger and fear and other ‘negative’ emotions…..we numb them all….joy, happiness, etc. I’ve known this for a very long time. As a matter of fact, the first counselor I ever went to, is because I wanted to learn how not to be numb. My childhood trauma was so ….well….traumatic…that protecting myself seemed top priority.

And oh my God…what if someone starts to like me? That’s scary in and of itself. Why? Because then there are expectations. Rules of engagement. I don’t like expectations of me in a relationship. That’s triggering to the abuse.

Someone wrote me today and asked how I overcame my dislike of being hugged by strangers. I had to tell her that I’ve never really completely overcame this. I mean, why should I hug someone just because
they want me to? The consensus is, because it will hurt their feelings. Well, this was part of the ploy used on me as a kid. As random men touched me inappropriately, from my older brother to the drunks my parents hung out with, to the friend of said brother, to my father himself…..it was on me not to make them get their feelings hurt. What a crock……

Regardless, that’s a little of my story as to why it’s hard for me to be vulnerable.

But, I do find that those moments when I can open myself up and share some of my messy bits, or even some of my light……those are the most fulfilling.

I want to live with my whole heart. I want to feel worthy of loving and belonging. 

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Worthy of Being Protected *trigger warning*

*Trigger Warning*

Sorry for the Trigger warning…but not knowing who is reading this and what their background may be, i thought i’d put it out there. i have childhood abuse issues. Though i try not to give details, some things are hard not to talk about and still give a full story. So, though i don’t recount the horror, there are pieces that could trigger your own stuff by reading this. Please be aware.

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It’s frustrating to realize that somethings that happen today, at the age of 49, still trigger fears from the past. Will it always be this way? Probably. At least I’m more aware of it now, but it’s still frustrating.

For example, at work. This woman there has been getting more and more passive/aggressive. So, much so that I started looking for other work. Twice I’ve had to stop conversations with her because of her aggressiveness. The first time I told her that the conversation was over. The second time I just told her ‘no’, when she started to raise her voice. This didn’t go over well. Not well at all.

She then sent me a message stating that that was strike 2. Now, I’m feeling threatened. Threatened enough that I don’t feel safe at work anymore. Threatened enough to want to walk away from the job. It all feels passive/aggressive and manipulative. I don’t deal well with that.

Then, per normal, I start looking at my actions. Maybe I did something to cause this. What did I do? I can’t think of anything. Not acceptable. Of course I did something. Why else would someone treat me this way? But, I just can’t think of anything. Think harder dawn.

Wait. Why can’t it just be their fault? Why does it have to be because I did something wrong? Oh yeah. Because that is what I was raised to believe. Someone else’s actions were always my fault. I caused things to happen, even at the age of 4 when I was first abused. The person doing the abusing was never at fault. So, here at work, as a grown adult, I’m trying to convince myself that I’ve done something wrong.

On top of that, is the idea of telling someone. I really didn’t want to tell anyone. But, I wanted to keep my job. I needed to tell someone or I would walk away from a great job that gives me time off when I need it so that I can do my traveling/presenting. I don’t want to quit my job, so I need to talk to someone before it escalates beyond a level I can handle.

Terrifying prospect. I was still convinced that if I told someone and they looked at the situation hard enough, they would find it to be my fault. Damn 15 years of the perpetrators words whispering in my head. They (the perps of long ago) convinced me that if I ever told, I would be sent away. You would think that would be a good thing. But, to a child, being sent to strangers is even more scary than staying in a bad situation. What do they say? It’s easier to stay with the monster you know, than the monster you don’t’ know? Something like that. Plus, we are talking about brainwashing that started at the age of 4 through my teen years, until I left home at 18. During this whole time, I was told it was my fault and if I told anyone, I would be thrown away.

Those tapes are still in my head. It’s my fault. I’ll be thrown away. I’m not worth being protected.

But, my company took me by surprise. They looked at the logs of the conversations between me and the woman I complained about. Not only was my complaint justified, they found other spots that they considered unprofessional and asked if I wanted to file complaints about those. I said ‘no’. I was still surprised that they were taking my side. Protecting me. Letting me know that I was of value to them. Not what I expected.

Wow. This was a first for me. I was right. I hadn’t done anything wrong and it really was the other person acting unprofessional.
I’m still not sure what to do with that.

The other person actually offered to apologize to me. And did so. I accepted the apology. That’s something i never had happen in the past either.

Who knows what happens from here on out.

Will it layer onto the past? Will I be able to get to the point where I truly accept it wasn’t my fault? Where I can believe that I was worthy of being protected?

Who knows, but it’s possible. 
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Trust and Vulnerability

This is from one of my writings in May, that didn’t make it to my blog. It was still sitting in my email as a reminder to post to the blog.


 

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People sharing their vulnerabilities is such a turn on. I’ve heard someone say this before, and I get it, but now I really get it. I’ve had 3 different people tell me things about themselves recently: things that they wouldn’t admit to others. 1 of them shared something that was super deep and then was afraid that they had scared me away. Nope, not possible so far. Instead, it made me love them all the more.
 
Why? Well, to show a vulnerable side, and really show it, involves trust. Especially when they’ve shown that side before and been shunned or felt shame. My desire, is trust. I want to be trusted and I want to trust the other person. That is how I can tap into anything from friendship to a deep passion. I would love to give details of the story I was told, but it’s just too personal, and not my story to tell.
 

I don’t trust easy. My past abuse leaves me to not trusting anyone. You have to earn my trust. I forget that it’s like that with other people as well. So, the fact that I’ve earned their trust makes me feel full. I hadn’t thought of that before. I feel like I’m a trustworthy person, but do I go out of my way to earn others trust? My husbands. That’s about it. I don’t lie, cheat or steal and I’m good at keeping secrets, but do I go out of my way to earn trust? I’ll have to think about that one. 

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Fear of Losing Weight


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I know I’ve written about this before. But, for many years I’ve known that I’ve been scared to lose weight.

I used to joke about how my weight was my armor. And the night I asked a kiniesiologist what my problem was with the fact that I couldn’t lose weight…she was able to pinpoint how I used it as armove because of the abuse I exposed to as a child. (of course, this experience with her was the catalyst that threw me into the fire of my healing path)

Fast forward to last night. I was looking through some paperwork that I had stored in my black cube in the livingroom, looking for my folder from last years taxes. Instead, I came across old journals and old guided meditations, among some other interesting papers that I’m going to scan. In these journals was my fear journal that I used to keep. This journal is from 2005.

Funny, I was just talking about that journal at work, because the main fear I wrote about was my fear of guns. In this fear journal, I had a picture of a gun, I wrote about how I witnessed my parents fighting over one, and there was also a receipt for the concealed course I took so that I could learn how to face my fear. Great stuff to re-read.

Then, I went to the next entry. It was about my weight and how my next fear to punch through was losing weight. I did some free form writing in that journal and wrote about how I knew it was time to work on it, because I had been in a restaurant recently and when I went the bathroom, there was a little Japanese women going in in front of me. She looked at me as if to say, ‘American women, so glutonus with no control over their eating.’ And my thought was, ‘well at least I don’t look like a little girl’. And how that threw up a red flag as to what my issue was, once again. It was a physical reaction when it happened. It was time to realize that I’m not a little girl anymore and that I can protect myself from the predators out there.


That was in 2005 when I was probably at my highest weight. 298. It was soon after that , that I developed a gluten intolerance that kept me from eating well for a couple of years. It took that long to figure out what was going on with my stomach, and during that time I lost about 30 pounds, which was the beginning of my current weight loss streak. In the past 10 years, I’ve lost 87 pounds and have walked a half-marathon, and am currently training to run a 5k.


I highly recommend walking through fears.


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Reiki and Darkness

During a recent Reiki Share that I hosted at the Columbus Insight Center, one of the attendees ended up seeing visions with each of the people that climbed up on the massage table to receive Reiki. Each of us there were at least level 1 Reiki attuned, and were practicing on each other. Reiki practitioners don’t usually get to receive Reiki, only give to those needing us. So, a Reiki Share is a good time to just lay back and receive.

This attendee shared with most everyone what her visions were, while we were sitting around at the end of the evening just relaxing. They were all pretty positive and left the girls smiling. She didn’t share one with me, and I didn’t really notice it until later when I read an email from her.

It doesn’t surprise me when people can’t read me. My walls are usually up nice and tight. Though, one of the girls did say that she could tell when some blockages brock up with me because she could feel me physically relax. I remember those moment as well.

It was a great group of people that night, though none of my regulars were there, and I didn’t know any of the attendees this time around. I’m glad I didn’t cancel the evening like I had thought about.

Here is the email I received from the girl:

 
Thanks for hosting the Reiki share tonight. It was a really positive experience for me, and I hope it was for all. I had a reading for you, too, but I felt it was better to tell you in private. 

First of all, I love your energy! It was amazing all of the masters, guides, and angels you had around you, too; there were at least 100 who revealed themselves to me when I asked for their presence. Your body and inner auras were very clear and bright. All I could do was send even more love. 

The only negative I found was around your aura about 3ft out from your back, or however high the table was; it skirted the ground. There was this shell of earth that covered the perimeter, almost like it was caked to it. When I tried to clear it, I found a pit of "evil things"--peering eyes and imps and such. They cleared very quickly, so it was not an issue. I'm sure with your spiritual background, you're probably aware that the brighter we are, the more we attract. I just felt like Spirit wanted to remind you to stay vigilant; I'm sure you do. 


Now when I think about it, I wonder if I should have tried to remove the earth at all. Sorry if I messed with anything I shouldn't have. I got my attunements rather quickly, and I've only been in practice for less than three years. 

 
My response to her:

It doesn't surprise me that found a spot at my back. This is where i work the most to remove cords that attach to me. The person that attaches.....I don't know that he's even aware that he does so.....but he had attempted to feed from me since i was a child. I have not been able to create a wall thick enough to keep the cord from reattaching every now and then. I've burnt it with my golden dragon familiar and have had it cut with the sword of Archangel Michael. Over time, it will return. Maybe the earth was a way for Mother Earth to help me out. i don't know. It might be time to burn it again. 
 
 

How perceptive of her. A little too close to the mark, which is another reason I keep my walls up.
What I didn’t tell her is that the leech that tries to attach to my back is my main abuser when I was a child. I can feel him thinking about me and that re-creates the cord attachment. When I can feel him, is when I put together a ritual to burn the cord. It doesn’t surprise me that there are creatures of darkness along the lines of that chord. They are probably waiting for it to re-attach so that they can feed off of my fear and pain from the memories.

I’m kind of wishing she hadn’t removed the earth covering it. That was probably part of the protection that my spirit guides put into place and I’m probably going to need all the protection I can muster over the next couple of days.

For some reason, I said ‘yes’ to a PTSD study at OSU. It starts tonight. What was I thinking? Probably that I’m stronger than I think I am. But, what if I’m not? Only time will tell. 
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