after

Before and After

I read this blog post by someone that had reached her goal weight, and she describes how she may be at her ‘after’, but that she will never be done with the challenge of reaching ‘after’.

This writing totally resonated with me. It’s a journey, not an end goal. And I’m enjoying the journey and the experience.

She mentions, “truthfully, I have no idea who I am without “needs to lose weight” being one of the primary parts of my identity.”

I’m not at my ‘after’ yet. I’m not even sure where my ‘after’ would be. I think it would be at 199 pounds. Simply because that’s a number that I’ve wanted to be at since have my oldest son, Travis, who is now getting ready to turn 29. But, is that really my ‘after’? I don’t know. Will I keep going? Will I want to? Maybe I don’t know how to be a person without “needing to lose weight” as part of my identity.

I’ve also been thinking of this as a journey. It’s taken me 10 years to lose this 90 pounds. And I’m not as much in a hurry to lose the next 10 I need to lose to get to 199 pounds. Is it because I don’t think I can do it? Because I don’t want to be at the end of the journey? Because I’m afraid of falling off the wagon and gaining it all back? Everyone else seems to be in a hurry for me to lose it. Even this morning, I stepped on the scale with the trainer and had gained back 2 pounds. I thought he was going to have a hissy fit. Up 2 pounds. Big whoop. I could not eat today and lose that weight. Instead, I’m not going to worry about it. I don’t have an end goal. I don’t have an end time. I don’t know what ‘after’ looks like. I’m enjoying the journey though.

She says, “There is no After – happily ever or otherwise. There is only today. Just today – During.”

I love this idea and will continue to journey and experience the new things I can do because of the weightloss and strengthening.

About her Before picture, she says, “Don’t look at her as an abomination, because enough people, myself included, did that already. Don’t tell me I look better; I don’t. I look different. Don’t congratulate me on no longer being her; I still am her. And doesn’t she deserve to be? Don’t speak of her as if she is a poor, piteous person. She’s not. She is me. “

Wow, do I totally agree with this. When I show my before picture, I almost don’t want to see the reaction of the person I show it to. Because when people react to how large I am in that picture and they say anything negative about it, or turn around and say something positive about the current me…..I want to remind them that I am the same girl. The person they are putting down in the before picture is standing right in front of them. I’m not better now, I’m different. And I’m still me regardless if I’m Before or After. I am deserving of love regardless of what size I am. The Before deserves just as much love as the After.

Life is a journey and we are still ourselves. And this is during.

Yes I’m proud of the work I’ve done. But, it’s also about learning to love me where I’m at. And to do that I have to love all of me, including the Before and the After and the During.

I’m enjoying this journey, doing things I’ve never done before. I’m enjoying the new experiences with buying clothes and jogging, and everything else I do.

I still struggle with food. I’m still militant with sugar so that I don’t fall off the wagon. I still make exercises a very high priority. And after 10 years of this, I’m still not at my After.

Oh yea, there is no After. I’ll just continue doing what it is that I’m doing so that I can continue to have new experiences.

It’s almost time to take that next picture next to the frog.


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