armor

Still a Qadishtu?

I’ve been wondering......will I remember to embrace being Qadishtu while on this path of getting smaller? I thought once I started getting fit again, that I’d be reaching out to help heal others more, through intimacy and sex. But, so far, that hasn’t happened.

It’s probably more about not having time ....no time to look in the mirror and get used to and accept how i look now. No time to be available for people. No time for the new boyfriend or current friends, let alone anyone new that might come into my life.

Will me feeling sexy draw people to me? Will my armor fall away so that others can reach me? I don’t know. I haven’t been this weight since getting pregnant with my second son. He’s 23. That’s 23 years of armor. And add 4 years to that. I was this weight soon after having my first son, and never lost it. Well for a split second I did hit 199, but it scared the shit out of me when my main perp made a pass at me and I gained it all back plus more.

At this point in my life, if that happened now, bad bad things would happen......to him. I have 2 men in my life that would protect me, and that doesn’t count what I’d do to protect myself.

Anyway......that’s beside the point, and I don’t want to go off on a tangent.

I’m at a restaurant waiting for my second man.....he loves how I look, regardless of me being squishy. Though, he doesn’t like my hair cut.....which is too bad, because I’m enjoying it. I was able to drive here with my windows down and not have a mouthful of hair.

Life if good.

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