Family of Origin vs Family of Choice

family of choice

The last couple of weeks have been very eye opening for me. I’ve watched my family of choice support Caitlyn (Bruce) Jenner for coming out as a Trans woman…and I’ve seen my family of origin sink into their hate of anything that is different that they don’t understand.
It was ugly. I posted a facebook poster about how everyone is courageous and on their own journey and my Aunt Betty and the daughter of a friend of mine decide to go at it on my post. Then, my mother came back and shouted ‘HE’S A FAG’. Oh my word, really? On my facebook post? DELETE. Yep, I deleted the whole post. I had 1% power on my phone and I used it to delete their hateful post. I was so embarrassed of my family and hope that my friends, and gay family members that haven’t come out of the closet yet, didn’t see it.
When I look at my growth as a person, my family of origin in the barometer that I look at. Wow. It’s no wonder I never fit in. That level of hate and judgement for someone they don’t even know. It’s unbelievable to me. And it’s all of my family. I’m so glad I got the kids away from that sort of atmosphere.
My husband is upset because I leave them on my facebook. I don’t know why I do it. It is my only way of contact. I don’t phone them anymore. I don’t have any contact with my sister Teresa anymore after our fight, which I still don’t have a clue as to what it was over. So, facebook it is. It’s also satisfying to me to give them peeks as to who I am. How I’m a happy person in love with life. How I can be compassionate and loving. No spewing of hate from me.
My friends seem to enjoy that part about me. My family of origin could care less. Not a single one of them spoke up when I started posting about losing (Master) Rick a couple of days ago. Not a single one offered support. My friends (family of choice did) and they are the ones that have been there for me. I don’t get it. I’ve never gotten it.
My mother (we won’t speak of my father), has never supported me in anything I’ve done or wanted to do through my life. From accepting the invitation to be in the gifted program in elementary school, to being in the band in jr. high, to staying after school to be in the Keyettes in highschool, to having my first child, to buying a house, to getting a divorce…she has never supported me in any of these endeavors. Yet, my chosen family support me in everything I do. Every presentation, every event, every book, every project, nothing but support.

So, I understand why my husband would be confused as to why I keep them on facebook. Hell, after writing all of this…..I wonder myself. Unless it really does boil down to showing them that I survived and am happy with my life. (not that they care)


Introvert does not equal Broken

One of the things that I’ve really been paying attention to lately, are the signs of me being an introvert. Some of these things I want to fix, some I’m working on, and some I’m ok with keeping.
The thing that I have to remember is that I’m not broken. When I’m driving to someone’s house for the weekend by myself, and I’m wanting to turn around and just go home and be by myself…’s ok. Do I do it? Well, I have. This time I didn’t. I knew that if I went home, I’d beat myself up for making the decision to turn around, and for being home by myself when I know that’s the worst thing I could do while he is gone.
During my time there, I found that I wasn’t peppy. I wasn’t ‘on’. I was able to be me, and that meant being quiet and just listening most of the time. Though Katie would ask me direct questions and we’d have discussions…for the most part I was just quiet dawn, and I loved it. I didn’t have to entertain anyone and they didn’t feel like they needed to entertain me. Introverts, hosting an introverts. They actually had another friend there that was more introverted and shy than me.
Then, it was off to Dayton. Again, feeling like I just wanted to go home, regardless of the fact that I really wanted to see my boyfriend. Then, I get there and it’s all the family. Though I’m slowly getting to know them, and they make me feel truly comfortable, sometimes I just want to stand on the sidelines. This time, they wouldn’t let me. All of us gathered in the living room. D’arts son helped him move the loveseat so that D’art and I could see the TV. Then, it was Michele and her boyfriend, Robert and his wife, Anthony, the 3 dogs and D’art and me. I curled up with D’art, didn’t participate in much of the conversation and enjoyed the family movie.
It’s funny, because I do compare myself to others. I imagine Drew and Trina visiting Kevin and Katie and being friendly and energetic. I imagine that this is what Kevin and Katie want from someone visiting them. Then, I imagine D’arts ex-girlfriends. I imagine them, Kris and Xtine, being all funny and friendly, loud, extroverted, bearing gifts for everyone….and I wonder if they see me as lacking. The quiet one.
This is where I want to just be me. Let me be quiet. Don’t expect a bundle of energy. I want to be accepted for who I am at the moment.
Sometimes I’m all giggles, but I’d rather it be natural and not pretend.

So, there are a couple of things I’m working on. A couple of things that I’d like to work on later. And then there are a couple of things that I’m totally ok with, in myself. Like everyone, I could use some tweeking. But, I’m not broken.