Fear

A Joyful Poly Moment

nd movie and told me to go to sleep. That he was going to watch part of it and then put me to bed. My bed that I only share with my husband, not the bed that I would share with Big D. I asked why and he said he thought I’d sleep better in my own bed. I’m not sure I agreed with that, it would have been nice to sleep in his arms. But, I was too tired to argue. I fell asleep in his arms on the couch.

After a while, he woke me up, and walked me to my bed. He tucked me in, laid down with me for a little bit and then kissed me good night. He made sure I was ok and then left for the night.


Arms wrapped around me would have been nice, but who could have asked for a more cherishing, romantic evening? I was too exhausted to move. He took care of me. I will always remember that, and fell in love with him all over again. 
There are some moments that just can’t go overlooked. Especially when looking at joys of polyamory. For some people, living a poly lifestyle can effortless. But, for many of us, it can be difficult as we swim through the waters of past baggage: fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of being replaced, fear of not being enough, fear of unworthy. Regardless of the fact that most of these are emotional baggage, not based on logic of the situation, they can be hard to work through. Polyamory can bring all these fears to the front. Because of that, many of us have work to do to make these relationships work.
 
So, when something good happens I like to document it. Whether it’s a moment that I’ve overcome one of my fears, or a moment that I’ve enjoyed with a poly partner. I’m so attached to my husband, my primary partner, that documenting awesome moments with my other partner/s deserves recognition.
 
I’ll be writing a book about this one day. I think there should be more stories of joy.
 
So, the one I’m writing about today, involves the boyfriend of 3 years; Big D is what we’ll call him. First, let me set the stage. My husband is away with his girlfriend on a cruise. Each year they do a big vacation and each year I have a rough time with it. This one was the longest trip yet and the first cruise, which only he and I had done before. Over the last 5 years or so, I’ve made sure to take a trip myself at the same time, so that I’m not home sulking. Usually, I would go back home to visit family, something he isn’t interested in doing. But, this year I had thoughts of just picking a neat place to fly to: Arizona, San Francisco, Key West, the turtle island in the Carolinas, somewhere. I was actually excited about the fact that he’d be gone and I could pick a place to go on my own. Traveling alone is certainly not my preference, but I had built myself up to giving this a try. Then, the shoe dropped. An event had been scheduled at our place of business, and the business partner that had scheduled it, wasn’t going to be in town. My husband had already paid for his trip and the other 2 partners were going to an important wedding for dear friends. That left me. Me with the undefined plans. I was going to have to stay in town and mind The Space. 

I was upset. No vacation for me this year. No trip so that I could deal with the fact that my husband was going to be on a cruise for a week without me. How the hell was I going to deal with this? And not only all of that, but I’d be the only Director on duty at The Space while this event was going on, which was an all weekend event. That meant sleeping on the futon in my office when I could.

So, I was up late Thursday night up The Space for the group renting it for the weekend. Things had to be set out and furniture put together. Also, after that, I packed my husband’s suitcase for his trip.  I do this so that I feel involved, even though I’m not. Up early Friday morning, worried about his trip because there were 2 hurricanes that could be involved in his trip. Plus, it’s my last time seeing him before he leaves and I wanted every minute with him that I could get. Then, I went to my day job. Left at 1pm to go shopping for things that were needed at The Space; trashbags and such. Then, off to the Space with my computer in the back seat of my car, my big gaming computer. If I was going to be in my office for hours, might as well get some gaming done.

I get to the Space, work with the group that is renting the building and then set things up in my office. Luckily, I had made arrangements with a friend that knows how to set up and move the furniture. So, he was going to come in and take over for me each night. So, Friday I went to my day job and worked 4 hours on 4 hours of sleep and then worked 9 hours at The Space. I couldn’t sleep once I got home. I had the friend come in and take over for a couple of hours so that I could go home and sleep. Sleep didn’t happen. I drank more than a half bottle of wine and watched Netflix. The dog wasn’t even home to snuggle with. She was at Grandma’s so that I wouldn’t have to worry about walking her and such. This makes it worse. No one home with me in that huge house, not even the dog. No sleep. I just don’t sleep well when he’s gone.

After finally getting a couple hours of sleep from pure exhaustion, I went back to The Space at 7am and was there until 8pm. I did get a little nap in on the futon in the morning, but that was it for the day. Too much going on and too many people to talk to to get much rest in. But, at 8pm Big D showed up to spend some time with me, since my friend would be taking over for the night. When he showed up he introduced himself to the couple of people that I was hanging out with during a break in the event. He stood behind me and wrapped his arms around me. I found out later it’s because he saw me wobbling. When there was a pause in the conversation, he told everyone that we were out of there and he was taking me home and putting me to bed. No one made jokes about that, instead they agreed that I should be put to bed, that I looked wiped out.
 
So, he took me home. He told me to take a hot shower, poured me a glass of wine, put a blanket on the couch for me to snuggle under after my shower and then went to the grocery store to pick up something for him to cook for dinner. I did as I was told. It felt so good to be taken care of during my exhausted, disappointed, low moment. I took the hot shower and cried because it felt so good to be cared about by someone. I’m sure some of the crying was from just being tired and missing my husband….and the dog. Big D came back, cooked an amazing dinner, poured me another glass of wine and snuggled with me on the couch. We watched a movie together with me practically laying on top of him while he stroked my hair. It was so warm and relaxing. I felt so loved and cherished. We laughed over the movie and snuggled. Then, he started a 2




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Worthy of Being Protected *trigger warning*

*Trigger Warning*

Sorry for the Trigger warning…but not knowing who is reading this and what their background may be, i thought i’d put it out there. i have childhood abuse issues. Though i try not to give details, some things are hard not to talk about and still give a full story. So, though i don’t recount the horror, there are pieces that could trigger your own stuff by reading this. Please be aware.

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It’s frustrating to realize that somethings that happen today, at the age of 49, still trigger fears from the past. Will it always be this way? Probably. At least I’m more aware of it now, but it’s still frustrating.

For example, at work. This woman there has been getting more and more passive/aggressive. So, much so that I started looking for other work. Twice I’ve had to stop conversations with her because of her aggressiveness. The first time I told her that the conversation was over. The second time I just told her ‘no’, when she started to raise her voice. This didn’t go over well. Not well at all.

She then sent me a message stating that that was strike 2. Now, I’m feeling threatened. Threatened enough that I don’t feel safe at work anymore. Threatened enough to want to walk away from the job. It all feels passive/aggressive and manipulative. I don’t deal well with that.

Then, per normal, I start looking at my actions. Maybe I did something to cause this. What did I do? I can’t think of anything. Not acceptable. Of course I did something. Why else would someone treat me this way? But, I just can’t think of anything. Think harder dawn.

Wait. Why can’t it just be their fault? Why does it have to be because I did something wrong? Oh yeah. Because that is what I was raised to believe. Someone else’s actions were always my fault. I caused things to happen, even at the age of 4 when I was first abused. The person doing the abusing was never at fault. So, here at work, as a grown adult, I’m trying to convince myself that I’ve done something wrong.

On top of that, is the idea of telling someone. I really didn’t want to tell anyone. But, I wanted to keep my job. I needed to tell someone or I would walk away from a great job that gives me time off when I need it so that I can do my traveling/presenting. I don’t want to quit my job, so I need to talk to someone before it escalates beyond a level I can handle.

Terrifying prospect. I was still convinced that if I told someone and they looked at the situation hard enough, they would find it to be my fault. Damn 15 years of the perpetrators words whispering in my head. They (the perps of long ago) convinced me that if I ever told, I would be sent away. You would think that would be a good thing. But, to a child, being sent to strangers is even more scary than staying in a bad situation. What do they say? It’s easier to stay with the monster you know, than the monster you don’t’ know? Something like that. Plus, we are talking about brainwashing that started at the age of 4 through my teen years, until I left home at 18. During this whole time, I was told it was my fault and if I told anyone, I would be thrown away.

Those tapes are still in my head. It’s my fault. I’ll be thrown away. I’m not worth being protected.

But, my company took me by surprise. They looked at the logs of the conversations between me and the woman I complained about. Not only was my complaint justified, they found other spots that they considered unprofessional and asked if I wanted to file complaints about those. I said ‘no’. I was still surprised that they were taking my side. Protecting me. Letting me know that I was of value to them. Not what I expected.

Wow. This was a first for me. I was right. I hadn’t done anything wrong and it really was the other person acting unprofessional.
I’m still not sure what to do with that.

The other person actually offered to apologize to me. And did so. I accepted the apology. That’s something i never had happen in the past either.

Who knows what happens from here on out.

Will it layer onto the past? Will I be able to get to the point where I truly accept it wasn’t my fault? Where I can believe that I was worthy of being protected?

Who knows, but it’s possible. 
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Shining the Light

I feel like I’ve been lacking in my blogging, but it’s hard to come up with things to talk about……

So what to talk about……

Today, I think I’ll write about the fear of someone finding out something about your past. Someone that you are in a deep, loving relationship with.

I’m growing in a relationship, and though I’ve shared absolutely everything with my husband, I haven’t shared everything with the newer relationship. Not that I’m hiding things, but haven’t seen the need. Are we supposed to be sharing everything with each other? We haven’t discussed that. Actually, we have such a difference of opinion on so many things, that we don’t always discuss heavy topics.

Well, over the weekend, we had a great time and a long car ride and train ride. So, we had a lot of time to talk about a lot of things. Which means we talked about a lot of deep stuff. And we talked about our feelings on the subjects even though they are so different.

One of the topics sent me spinning. He was so passionate with how he felt about a certain topic and how he felt about people that participated in it. Well, in my past, I participated in it. Well, we discussed it and then the topic changed before I could figure out how to tell him. I was scared. What if I mentioned it and he made an instant decision that we couldn’t be together? I love him. I don’t want to lose him. But, is it worth not telling him?

It’s not. I need to tell him. Then, he needs to make up his mind if it’s something that he can deal with. It’s scary. I was so triggered. I thought I had laid my guilt to rest over my actions of the past. I thought I had worked through it. But, what had happened was I had found a partner that understood my guilt and shame, and helped me work through it. If I have friends that would be against it, I just wouldn’t have them as friends anymore. Ummm, I take that back. I’m ok with someone being against it. Hell, in most situations I’m against it as well. But, in my situation, it was the right choice. ….but I wouldn’t have them as friends if they judged me.

I’m afraid of him judging me. I don’t know that I could handle that. But, living in that fear, is triggering itself. I have to tell him. I just have to make sure it’s not when I’m triggered. And I don’t want to assume how he’s going to react. That seems judgmental on my part as well and I don’t want to be that person.

So, I need to share. I need to shine a light on this. If I don’t, it will become part of my shadow again. That isn’t a good place for me to be. I have to fix this.

It’s scary. But, I can’t be in a relationship where I keep secrets out of fear.

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Mud Ninja


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I can feel the fear in the pit of my stomach.

Recently, we were invited to do the ‘Mud Ninja’. I actually find this idea a little terrifying. Yes, I can walk a half marathon. Yes, I can jog a 5k. Yes, I’ve lost almost 90 pounds in the last 10 years. But, the ‘Mud Ninja’….. I watched the youtube video and it’s a lot of upper body strength stuff or jumping across pits.

I’m not sure I’ve lost enough weight to do that. Even after a full year of working with my personal trainer, I’m not sure that I have the strength. The person that invited us, specifically says…..” And if you can't do a single pull-up, it might not be fair to expect us to pull you over every obstacle we come to.” I totally agree with that, but I know that I can’t do a pull-up, and don’t know if I ever will be able to.

So, can I do this? It would definitely give me a goal to work towards, though I’m working on spending up my time for running a 5k as it is. Can I work on both? I’m not sure. And I was just getting comfortable with giving up my trainer. I don’t know that I can prep for an event like this one, without his help.

Honestly, I don’t want to be the ‘big girl’ being pointed at. Logically, I know that won’t happen, but emotionally it’s a different story.

Though, there is a child inside of me that thinks this would be fun. In the past, I’ve been too big to allow that child to come out and play. She would be disappointed and in the end, humiliated. But, maybe it’s time to move past that.

But, I’m almost 48. What am I thinking of? Then again, if not now, when?

And mud. Lots of mud. I’ve done that before when I got to stay and play on Great Fox Island in the Chesapeake Bay in Jr. High while attending a summer camp. But, we were playing and hiking through the mud. This event will be about trying to get through mud pits and walking logs, and ….mud.

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At least their won’t be fiddler crabs and fish eggs/poo in the this mud. I hope.

It’s time to train.

This event is at the end of July. That gives me 3 ½ months to train. Strength training for this event and working on my speed for running the 5k. Should be interesting, since I’ll have to work on my eating as well.



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The Goddess Box


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Today, I finally completed another goal on my ‘101 in 1001’ day’s goal list. It’s been on my list forever. Mainly because I had this image in mind of what I wanted, but don’t have the skill to make something along the lines of what I envisioned.

It’s a Goddess Box.

Because of what I have in mind to do with it, I wanted something smoky and mystical. Painted or multi-media type stuff. But, I’m in need of one at the moment before I have a nervous breakdown. So, I’m been percolating ideas. I finally thought about using a tarot card to make the top of the box. I wasn’t sure which tarot card, but not the one that I currently had on my altar. I had gotten that one from twisted tryst last year and had hoped to repurpose it, but after studying it, it just didn’t feel right. Actually, what felt right was the ‘Fool’ card and the ‘World’ card. They are the ones that show motion.

Here are a couple of meanings that spoke to me:


fool

The Fool:

The Fool is always an indicator of newness; as well as the purity and open-hearted energy of a child. This is generally considered a positive card, with the caveat that it's important to take time to be sure that you are "looking where you're going."

Other people may not understand or support your new ideas and/or proposals, but if you know that you're right, press ahead, and try to help them to understand where you are coming from. This sometimes will indicate finding a new position - or even that the time could be right for you to "go off on your own" and start your own business.

In terms of finances, the Fool is an extremely positive significator. You can expect increase, and furthermore, you will find it in yourself to know that no matter what happens financially, that you will be all right and will "come out on top." Trust yourself, work hard, and you will do better than you expect.


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The World:


The World can signify that you are figuratively feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders, which is not an easy place to be. It's an excellent time to review how well you do at "asking for help" when you need it. Remember you don't have to do everything on your own.

This can often be a card of completion. You've worked hard, and you are almost to the "finish line" in some way. Don't quit now that you're almost finished! You're almost definitely in need of some well deserved rest and relaxation; don't be afraid to take it. You are getting closer to "who you really are," at your deepest levels.

If money has been a bit stagnant for you - this is a good sign that this "blockage" will soon break and you'll find yourself "flush" once again. Don't go mad with spending, when it breaks, though. This is an important time to begin saving and protecting yourself so that if hard times come again, that you'll be ore prepared. But for now, you should be able to rest easier about money.

Perfect!

What is a Goddess Box?

For me, a Goddess Box is a place where I can ‘Let Go and Let Goddess’. In other words, it’s where I can drop my fears with situations, my grief, my annoyances…..anything that is in the way of me being happy….anything that is occupying my thoughts way too much……and give them to the Goddess to take care of.

I write these items on a piece of paper, kiss them good-bye and ask the Goddess to take care of them as I put the slips of paper into the box.

I used to have one of these, and then figured that I was strong enough to deal with anything that came my way on my own. I forget how empowering it is to give my problems to the Universe. To surrender to the experiences that I’m experiencing. Being the observer (a Buddhist concept) only goes so far for me on some days, when my life becomes overwhelming. I have to do something physical.

Last night, I created the Goddess Box and put it on my altar.

It doesn’t look anything like I imagined. Instead of handcrafted, smoky and mystical….it’s a round, mass-marketed printed cardboard with green designs and flowers. But, it spoke to me. Then, I took black magic marker and wrote “Fool -> World” around the rim of the lid. And added “Let Go and Let Goddess” on the bottom. And somewhere on it, I wrote “I release my fears”.

This morning, I blessed the box and dedicated it to the Goddess, with the intent of releasing my fears, so that I could let go of the issue. Then, I sat on the couch and really thought of what I’d like to let go and let the Goddess work on. She has more time than me anyway, and knows what my next step should be.

I thought there was only 3 things I needed to let go. Nope. I’d been repressing some stuff it seems. And 7 pieces of paper later, each kissed and placed in the box, I was feeling a little better because I had taken a step to work through this depression, instead of telling myself that I shouldn’t be depressed.

I’ll take a picture of the box and add it here.

But, I’m feeling a little better.

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Fear of Losing Weight


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I know I’ve written about this before. But, for many years I’ve known that I’ve been scared to lose weight.

I used to joke about how my weight was my armor. And the night I asked a kiniesiologist what my problem was with the fact that I couldn’t lose weight…she was able to pinpoint how I used it as armove because of the abuse I exposed to as a child. (of course, this experience with her was the catalyst that threw me into the fire of my healing path)

Fast forward to last night. I was looking through some paperwork that I had stored in my black cube in the livingroom, looking for my folder from last years taxes. Instead, I came across old journals and old guided meditations, among some other interesting papers that I’m going to scan. In these journals was my fear journal that I used to keep. This journal is from 2005.

Funny, I was just talking about that journal at work, because the main fear I wrote about was my fear of guns. In this fear journal, I had a picture of a gun, I wrote about how I witnessed my parents fighting over one, and there was also a receipt for the concealed course I took so that I could learn how to face my fear. Great stuff to re-read.

Then, I went to the next entry. It was about my weight and how my next fear to punch through was losing weight. I did some free form writing in that journal and wrote about how I knew it was time to work on it, because I had been in a restaurant recently and when I went the bathroom, there was a little Japanese women going in in front of me. She looked at me as if to say, ‘American women, so glutonus with no control over their eating.’ And my thought was, ‘well at least I don’t look like a little girl’. And how that threw up a red flag as to what my issue was, once again. It was a physical reaction when it happened. It was time to realize that I’m not a little girl anymore and that I can protect myself from the predators out there.


That was in 2005 when I was probably at my highest weight. 298. It was soon after that , that I developed a gluten intolerance that kept me from eating well for a couple of years. It took that long to figure out what was going on with my stomach, and during that time I lost about 30 pounds, which was the beginning of my current weight loss streak. In the past 10 years, I’ve lost 87 pounds and have walked a half-marathon, and am currently training to run a 5k.


I highly recommend walking through fears.


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Service/ Spiritual/ Priestess Topping



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Service Topping / Spiritual Topping/ Priestess Topping


As some of you know, I think about this topic a lot. I’m a slave. I’m a submissive. I’m a bottom. The idea of topping / domming/ or Mastering someone….doesn’t do anything for me. But, every once in a while, I fantasize about standing over someone with a crop, flogger, needles or biting them. So, what’s this about? I let the visuals float around in my head, and it feels like I’m missing something in the equation.

If I try to picture the bottom enjoying what I’m doing, it does nothing. If I picture me being a sadist and taking what I want, that does provide a slight tingle, but there is still something missing from the picture that would kick the whole thing into overdrive.

Service topping, to me, would be about providing a session/scene as a service. Bottom wants to experience a skill and I become the tool for them to achieve what they desire. That doesn’t do it…..it’s about the skill.

Spiritual topping ….well what does that exactly mean? I’ve tried to ‘spiritual top’ someone before, which to me, is still providing a service of an experience. Maybe it’s the experience of the Scarlet Sanctuary where I provide sacred touch. I’m still a tool, but a more personal tool. This does it for me, but still on a low level. Don’t get me wrong, I love doing the opening ritual and the closing ritual and providing sacred space and sacred touch, but it doesn’t necessarily feel like topping to me. There are built in limits.

Part of the answer came to me while presenting our class on styles of negotiation at GLLA over the weekend. This class talks about the ‘river’ style of negotiation, as one style. This style is about negotiating a specific scene with a beginning and an ending that has been designed. To me, that would be the style of negotiating for me to service top. Since I’m providing a skill scene, I would need to know the structure that I’m expected to adhere to. This doesn’t do it for me at all.

We talked about our other styles and then we came to the point in the class where we talk about ‘spiritual bdsm negotiation’….about being the ridden by spirit. About having a ‘goal’ and maybe a little structure, but otherwise having a blank canvas to work with. Being allowed to channel whatever comes through, specifically for cathartic work or celebration work. Allowing my walls to drop and just be the powerful priestess that I am.

That’s when it came to me….i’ve tried to put words to it before…..what I’m interested in, and what truly turns me on, and what is in my fantasies as a top, is to be a priestess top. Not just a spiritual top, but a primal priestess top that channels in the energy needed for healing, and trusted with a blank canvas. No rules. Full consent.

I’ve been lucky enough to have had this opportunity a couple of times, and I crave more. Master has allowed me to participate in His re-birthing ritual, with bondage and needles. I didn’t see myself as a top to Him though. I was His priestess using bdsm to provide the fear necessary to break Him down so that He could re-build Himself.

I’ve also had the fulfilling opportunity with a couple of other people and they’ve been amazing. One scene was even added to the book ‘Kink Magic’ by Taylor Ellwood, many years ago.

These are the topping ‘scenes’ that I’m fantasizing about. Priestess topping. The intensity, the depth, the connection to spirit and the Universe. Taking the chance of being ridden in the darkness. Rawrrrrrrrr!!!

Maybe if I throw this out there, the Universe will provide. It’s got to feel right though. I can’t just do it to do it. I did have one experience where they didn’t want to give up control, but wanted Master Dan and I to be the priest and priestess. It didn’t go well, because they didn’t let us channel….they wanted it fully structured their way. They didn’t get the result they wanted. I want a little structure and then stand back as I draw down the Goddess. Light Goddess, Dark Goddess….whatever shows up as the right one for the situation.



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Turn Towards the Problem

This article was sent to my mailbox, and I found it interesting....so though I didn’t write it, I did comment after most lines.


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Turn Toward the Problem
By Leo Babauta

Much of our lives is spent trying to ignore problems, not wanting to deal with them, procrastinating.

Bills are pushed to the side to deal with later.  (* I have a bill laying on my desk right now, that I keep looking past. No clue why. Avoiding, though I have the money.)

People we have troubles with are avoided. (* I have 3 of them in my life right now. Don’t want to deal with them and their issues, so I avoid them.)

Work we don’t want to do is put off while we browse the Internet. (*Browsing the internet while I’m supposed to be working is how I found this article.)

The diet is put off until tomorrow as we eat more junk. (*Old Dawn, not current Dawn.)

Our insecurities are not admitted because we don’t want to think about them. (*I don’t have any insecurities that I will admit to.)

This kind of avoidance, unfortunately, doesn’t work. We put these things off and the problems only fester and grow worse. Bills become late and interest racks up and eventually we’ll have to deal with the bills, but they’ll be much worse than if we’d only dealt with them immediately. Our work becomes late, our waistlines become bigger, our insecurities grow.

Not facing our problems isn’t the solution. (*On the surface we’ve convinced ourselves it works.)

Instead, let’s turn toward our problems. (*My shadows knees are knocking.)

This helped me when I was in debt and trying to avoid thinking about it — when I turned toward the debt, as scary as that was, I was able to deal with it. (*Currently attempting to do that.)

It helped me deal with clutter, which is another form of avoidance. Clutter is about putting off dealing with items by putting them aside, and then they pile on top of each other, waiting to be dealt with. (*I’m better with clutter, but my husband would disagree.)

Turning toward my weight issues allowed me to get healthier. (*This is what I’m working on now.)

Turning toward the problem of killing animals for the pleasure of food allowed me to change to a more compassionate vegan diet. (*I still like meat, don’t know that this will ever change. Not sure if that’s unfortunate or not.)

Turning toward my sedentary lifestyle helped me to get more active. (*I am here as well, and reaping fabulous results.)

It has helped my work, my relationships, my inner peace. (*Yes. Yes. And Yes.)

Turning toward a problem is scary as hell. That’s why we avoid it. But you can overcome that fear and do it anyway. You can look the problem directly in the face and open yourself up to it. Only then can you deal with it, and see that it’s not as scary as you think. Because by turning away from the problem, we give it power, and the fear of it rules our lives. (*Shadow gains power, until we turn the light on it.)

Let’s take away that power, and shine a little light on the problem. (*Huh, exactly what I just said.)

Allow ourselves to feel the pain, to feel the fear and still take action. (*This can be hard.)

To begin the healing. (*A long journey.)

To begin to create something new and amazing from the ills that have been hiding in the dark. (*This is the exciting part.)

Turn toward the problem and you turn it into something beautiful.




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Weightloss Program part 2

So, today was the first weigh-in in our Weight Loss Challenge, after the original weigh in. I lost 4.5 lbs! I’m surprised since I felt like staying under my calories was such a challenge. That damn peanut butter!!! That’s what I craved all week and gave into the craving more than once. I guess it could have been worse choices.

I also worked on my couch potato to 5k plan, getting to the gym twice. It frustrates me that I lost my smaller gym bag again. That’s the one with my workout journal in it. I have a version in my dropbox on my phone, but it’s not that same as seeing all my times written down in my journal, so that i can try to beat my times.

I can be pretty competitive.

So, this week, trying to get to the gym more and jump to the next week on the C25K plan. That’s going to be challenging I think.

Walk for 5 minutes
Jog for 5 minutes
Walk for 3 minutes
Jog for 5 minutes
Walk for 3 minutes
Jog for 5 minutes

Then, I finish completing the 5k mileage with walking/jogging, trying to beat my tastes time, which is 47 minutes 8 seconds.

It’s feeling good to be progressing through the plan......but it’s still a challenge to make myself go to the gym. Not sure why.

Fear that i’ll succeed? Not sure. Fear that my boobs will become more deflated? Not sure.
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