Fears

A Joyful Poly Moment

nd movie and told me to go to sleep. That he was going to watch part of it and then put me to bed. My bed that I only share with my husband, not the bed that I would share with Big D. I asked why and he said he thought I’d sleep better in my own bed. I’m not sure I agreed with that, it would have been nice to sleep in his arms. But, I was too tired to argue. I fell asleep in his arms on the couch.

After a while, he woke me up, and walked me to my bed. He tucked me in, laid down with me for a little bit and then kissed me good night. He made sure I was ok and then left for the night.


Arms wrapped around me would have been nice, but who could have asked for a more cherishing, romantic evening? I was too exhausted to move. He took care of me. I will always remember that, and fell in love with him all over again. 
There are some moments that just can’t go overlooked. Especially when looking at joys of polyamory. For some people, living a poly lifestyle can effortless. But, for many of us, it can be difficult as we swim through the waters of past baggage: fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of being replaced, fear of not being enough, fear of unworthy. Regardless of the fact that most of these are emotional baggage, not based on logic of the situation, they can be hard to work through. Polyamory can bring all these fears to the front. Because of that, many of us have work to do to make these relationships work.
 
So, when something good happens I like to document it. Whether it’s a moment that I’ve overcome one of my fears, or a moment that I’ve enjoyed with a poly partner. I’m so attached to my husband, my primary partner, that documenting awesome moments with my other partner/s deserves recognition.
 
I’ll be writing a book about this one day. I think there should be more stories of joy.
 
So, the one I’m writing about today, involves the boyfriend of 3 years; Big D is what we’ll call him. First, let me set the stage. My husband is away with his girlfriend on a cruise. Each year they do a big vacation and each year I have a rough time with it. This one was the longest trip yet and the first cruise, which only he and I had done before. Over the last 5 years or so, I’ve made sure to take a trip myself at the same time, so that I’m not home sulking. Usually, I would go back home to visit family, something he isn’t interested in doing. But, this year I had thoughts of just picking a neat place to fly to: Arizona, San Francisco, Key West, the turtle island in the Carolinas, somewhere. I was actually excited about the fact that he’d be gone and I could pick a place to go on my own. Traveling alone is certainly not my preference, but I had built myself up to giving this a try. Then, the shoe dropped. An event had been scheduled at our place of business, and the business partner that had scheduled it, wasn’t going to be in town. My husband had already paid for his trip and the other 2 partners were going to an important wedding for dear friends. That left me. Me with the undefined plans. I was going to have to stay in town and mind The Space. 

I was upset. No vacation for me this year. No trip so that I could deal with the fact that my husband was going to be on a cruise for a week without me. How the hell was I going to deal with this? And not only all of that, but I’d be the only Director on duty at The Space while this event was going on, which was an all weekend event. That meant sleeping on the futon in my office when I could.

So, I was up late Thursday night up The Space for the group renting it for the weekend. Things had to be set out and furniture put together. Also, after that, I packed my husband’s suitcase for his trip.  I do this so that I feel involved, even though I’m not. Up early Friday morning, worried about his trip because there were 2 hurricanes that could be involved in his trip. Plus, it’s my last time seeing him before he leaves and I wanted every minute with him that I could get. Then, I went to my day job. Left at 1pm to go shopping for things that were needed at The Space; trashbags and such. Then, off to the Space with my computer in the back seat of my car, my big gaming computer. If I was going to be in my office for hours, might as well get some gaming done.

I get to the Space, work with the group that is renting the building and then set things up in my office. Luckily, I had made arrangements with a friend that knows how to set up and move the furniture. So, he was going to come in and take over for me each night. So, Friday I went to my day job and worked 4 hours on 4 hours of sleep and then worked 9 hours at The Space. I couldn’t sleep once I got home. I had the friend come in and take over for a couple of hours so that I could go home and sleep. Sleep didn’t happen. I drank more than a half bottle of wine and watched Netflix. The dog wasn’t even home to snuggle with. She was at Grandma’s so that I wouldn’t have to worry about walking her and such. This makes it worse. No one home with me in that huge house, not even the dog. No sleep. I just don’t sleep well when he’s gone.

After finally getting a couple hours of sleep from pure exhaustion, I went back to The Space at 7am and was there until 8pm. I did get a little nap in on the futon in the morning, but that was it for the day. Too much going on and too many people to talk to to get much rest in. But, at 8pm Big D showed up to spend some time with me, since my friend would be taking over for the night. When he showed up he introduced himself to the couple of people that I was hanging out with during a break in the event. He stood behind me and wrapped his arms around me. I found out later it’s because he saw me wobbling. When there was a pause in the conversation, he told everyone that we were out of there and he was taking me home and putting me to bed. No one made jokes about that, instead they agreed that I should be put to bed, that I looked wiped out.
 
So, he took me home. He told me to take a hot shower, poured me a glass of wine, put a blanket on the couch for me to snuggle under after my shower and then went to the grocery store to pick up something for him to cook for dinner. I did as I was told. It felt so good to be taken care of during my exhausted, disappointed, low moment. I took the hot shower and cried because it felt so good to be cared about by someone. I’m sure some of the crying was from just being tired and missing my husband….and the dog. Big D came back, cooked an amazing dinner, poured me another glass of wine and snuggled with me on the couch. We watched a movie together with me practically laying on top of him while he stroked my hair. It was so warm and relaxing. I felt so loved and cherished. We laughed over the movie and snuggled. Then, he started a 2




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