Love

Valentine's Day



Happy-Valentines-Day-Image-7



Valentine’s Day is a funny day for me. Not as bad as ‘sweetest day’, but pretty close. Why? Because it’s a made up day. Well, not really; it does had ancient roots as a fertility festival time. But, Valentine’s Day with the way Westerners celebrate it, it completely fake. It’s a day to prove your love to someone by buying them things. It’s a day of cards, candy, flowers. Those companies that sell these products need us to buy this stuff, so they push the guilt trips.
 
I don’t want to be bought something because it’s a day to buy it according to the media and companies that are selling stuff in stores. If I could stay out of the stores, I wouldn’t feel the need to buy anything. But, the pressure is there. And being poly, makes it even harder. Why? Because I saw my husbands girlfriend get flowers delivered from her new boyfriend. And then candy delivered from her other boyfriend. And my husband’ play partner had dinner made for them by a friend on their date night just before Valentine’s Day. I must say that I was a little jealous. Logically I knew I didn’t need my guys to prove anything to me with gifts …..but…..
 
If it was just me and my husband, like it used to be, gifts and cards wouldn’t be bought on Valentines Day. There just isn’t a need. We know we love each other, the cards will get thrown away at some point, the candy isn’t part of our eating plan, cut flowers are dead, and giving me a live plant is like handing someone over to a known murderer. So, what’s the point? We do we give these gifts on this day? And how did I get sucked into this year?
 
Well, it started with the resolve not to give each other cards or gifts, for all the reasons I mentioned above. I remained firm. Then, I was in the grocery store where the cards were right there as soon as you walked in the door. They were pretty and I looked. Then, I found one that I absolutely wanted to give to my husband partner. I flipped it over and saw that it was $9.00. $9 !!!!! What the hell? It’s a folded piece of paper with a saying. Granted it’s a nice piece of paper and I love the saying. But, I’m not paying $9 for a card that is going to gather dust or be thrown away. So, I put it back.
 
But, the line had been crossed. I had actually thought about getting a card. So, the next day when I was in the line at the post office and saw the rack of cards, I couldn’t resist temptation. And there was a card with a skunk on it. A skunk. Dan’s animal totem is a skunk. And right next to it was another card that was perfect for my boyfriend. Damn! I just couldn’t resist. I bought them, knowing that I was then going to have to let the husband know that I bought him a card so that he wouldn’t be taken by surprise since we don’t usually do that.
 
Then, the next day I’m in the grocery store again. There was candy. There was Star Wars candy that the boyfriend would LOVE. And there was the kind of candy that my husband likes slightly more than others. I look hard to find the perfect ones, and then add them to the grocery cart. What the hell am I doing? Am I really buying this stuff? I didn’t get anything from the boyfriend last year, probably because he heard that the husband and I didn’t exchange gifts. But, here I was this year buying cards AND gifts. And even went so far as to buy the boyfriend’s wife a card. I’ve really gone over the deep end.
 
The next day was my day to visit the boyfriend. I brought his gift and card, her card and even bought their son a bag of candy. I was uncontrollable. Kicking myself for falling into the Valentine’s trap. Afraid I was going to make my men feel obligated to buy me something in return on a day we don’t usually celebrate. But, also feeling happy that I had bought them something. I do like giving gifts, just not on days that society says I should or I’m a failure.
 
I warned the husband about the card and gift, assuring him that he didn’t need to give me anything in return. I knew he would accept my words.
 
But, the next day at the Poly Valentine’s dance, the boyfriend brings a gift bag with 2 things that are so ‘me’. Which makes me feel guilty because I only got him candy. And the day after Valentine’s day, on our date night, the husband gives me a gift right before bed. He’s excited about it…and it helped that he found it on sale the day after Valentine’s Day. I’m betting he fell into the same trap that I did about seeing the other partners giving gifts. It would have been ok if I hadn’t crossed that line, but I did. Which means he’d be the only one not giving a gift. He didn’t want to be THAT guy that society warns us about. The guy that is taking us for granted because he didn’t profess his love on the one day of the year that he should. Oh wait. The second day of the year. The first day is an anniversary day. Can’t forget that.
 
So, I’ve decided that if I’m going to give gifts of love, I’ll do it throughout the year at random. And the real gift I give him next Valentine’s Day, is the note before-hand that I don’t intend to buy him anything. That will be the best gift of all.
 

Now, to get through our anniversary in a couple of weeks. I’ve already bought him something and let him know ;) 
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Family of Origin vs Family of Choice



family of choice


The last couple of weeks have been very eye opening for me. I’ve watched my family of choice support Caitlyn (Bruce) Jenner for coming out as a Trans woman…and I’ve seen my family of origin sink into their hate of anything that is different that they don’t understand.
 
It was ugly. I posted a facebook poster about how everyone is courageous and on their own journey and my Aunt Betty and the daughter of a friend of mine decide to go at it on my post. Then, my mother came back and shouted ‘HE’S A FAG’. Oh my word, really? On my facebook post? DELETE. Yep, I deleted the whole post. I had 1% power on my phone and I used it to delete their hateful post. I was so embarrassed of my family and hope that my friends, and gay family members that haven’t come out of the closet yet, didn’t see it.
 
When I look at my growth as a person, my family of origin in the barometer that I look at. Wow. It’s no wonder I never fit in. That level of hate and judgement for someone they don’t even know. It’s unbelievable to me. And it’s all of my family. I’m so glad I got the kids away from that sort of atmosphere.
 
My husband is upset because I leave them on my facebook. I don’t know why I do it. It is my only way of contact. I don’t phone them anymore. I don’t have any contact with my sister Teresa anymore after our fight, which I still don’t have a clue as to what it was over. So, facebook it is. It’s also satisfying to me to give them peeks as to who I am. How I’m a happy person in love with life. How I can be compassionate and loving. No spewing of hate from me.
 
My friends seem to enjoy that part about me. My family of origin could care less. Not a single one of them spoke up when I started posting about losing (Master) Rick a couple of days ago. Not a single one offered support. My friends (family of choice did) and they are the ones that have been there for me. I don’t get it. I’ve never gotten it.
 
My mother (we won’t speak of my father), has never supported me in anything I’ve done or wanted to do through my life. From accepting the invitation to be in the gifted program in elementary school, to being in the band in jr. high, to staying after school to be in the Keyettes in highschool, to having my first child, to buying a house, to getting a divorce…she has never supported me in any of these endeavors. Yet, my chosen family support me in everything I do. Every presentation, every event, every book, every project, nothing but support.
 

So, I understand why my husband would be confused as to why I keep them on facebook. Hell, after writing all of this…..I wonder myself. Unless it really does boil down to showing them that I survived and am happy with my life. (not that they care)

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Positive Thinking in Poly



think-positive


From ‘Daily Om - As Blessed As You Want to Be’ - 10/11/13
‘Positive thinking dramatically increases your
chances of success in any endeavor. When you’re sure that you are worthy and that achievement is within your grasp, you start to relax and look for solutions rather than dwelling on problems. You are more likely to imagine positive situations or outcomes and disregard the thoughts related to giving up, failure, or roadblocks. What the mind expects, it finds. If you anticipate joy, good health, happiness, and accomplishment, then you will experience each one. Thinking positively may sound like a simple shift in attention – and it is – but it is a mind-set that must be developed. Whenever a negative thought enters your mind, try immediately replacing it with a constructive or optimistic one. With persistence, you can condition your mind to judge fleeting, self- defeating thoughts as inconsequential and dismiss them.’

This is part of an email that gets delivered to my email daily; the Daily Om. And I kept this one because it really spoke to me in so many ways.

Positive thinking....I’ve been told many times over the years, as I’ve tried to pull myself from the Dark Night of the Soul that I was experiencing, that it just a matter of changing my mind to be positive. That suggestion really pissed me off. I was going through the most horrendous time of my life, not counting the sexual abuse as a child, and the person I had gone to for help, told me to change my mind and be positive. I literally wanted to punch them, except that it would take too much energy on my part, and I would rather have gone to bed, if the truth be told.

During that time in my life, I was too deep in the black hole to just change my mind and be ok. I got professional help on the order of my Master/husband. I learned more tools. It took awhile, but slowly I pulled out of the spiral.

That was a few years back. Since then I’ve put some of those tools to work, and believe it or not, positive thinking (manual mode) has been one of the tools that I rely on heavily, and I usually use it with another tool, a mantra.

When my husband and I were going through a rough time in our poly dynamic, we both needed to learn some skills, a mantra was my saving grace. Then, when I learned about ‘manual mode’, I used the mantra to start me off in a private positive thinking mode to pull me out of whatever triggered me. That’s a great way to use positive thinking and I teach it to many as a tool for poly and for power exchange dynamics. I guess it could be used in a regular relationship, but I don’t have much experience with that, simply because my vanilla partners weren’t interested in personal growth. It’s only been the alternative relationships that have been interested in that.

There are a couple of ways positive thinking can be beneficial when it comes to relationships then. With my husband, if I was triggered, I taught myself the mantra, ‘Love, Trust, Faith’. I loved him and knew that he loved me. I trusted him completely. I had Faith that we would succeed and that the Universe had put us together as partners for a reason. That mantra allowed me to breathe and to line up my emotions so that I could think clearly instead of in a negative, triggered state. Positive Thinking.

The other way it’s beneficial is that the longer you live with positive experiences with positive thinking, the more positive things happen. Specifically in poly, I find that the more I experience, the more confident I am. The more I relax. The more I’m ok with the outcome, regardless of what it may be, because I know I’ll be ok. The more positive I am, the more expansive I am. People feel that and are drawn towards it.

I believe that is what allowed my secondary relationship to happen. We started off with a big mis-understanding right off the bat and I believe it’s because I kept a positive attitude about it that it worked out. If I had been negative, I would have walked away, not believing I deserved a positive outcome.

I like being in that positive state. It brings such opportunities and blessings.

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