manual mode

8 Poly Tools

My husband and I teach this class called ‘8 Poly Tools’ and we’ve taught it twice over the last 6 days. It’s a class with …well….14 poly tools that we’ve come up with over the last 17 years. Though, if I’m honest, most of them were discovered over the last 10 years as our poly ramped up and we needed something to help us out.

The first 7 years, we were co-amorous and dated girls together. So, there wasn’t much to deal with when it came to jealousy and stuff. It’s only when my husband started pulling away to date on his own that it became an issue for us.

Funny enough, we are teaching this class at a time when both of us can really use them. Yet, when you are in the middle of change, they can be hard to remember. Here we are, supposedly enlightened poly people.  We present on the joys of poly, the tools of poly and a couple of other topics, and here we are having our own issues. All of our poly partners are finding new people to build relationships with at the same time. His long term partner, his newest partner and my long term partner have all started new relationships within the last couple of weeks. Talk about irony. Now we get to put our feet to the pavement and walk the talk.

But, it’s hard. These situation can be so hard. So, we put the tools to work.
Manual Mode... check
Journaling ... check
Joy Journal ... check
Draft email ... check
Be with Poly people ... check
Realize it's a WAM moment ... check

Cry ... check……wait, that’s not on the list of tools. But, happens anyway. The tools help it to not spiral out of control. 

Positive Thinking in Poly


From ‘Daily Om - As Blessed As You Want to Be’ - 10/11/13
‘Positive thinking dramatically increases your
chances of success in any endeavor. When you’re sure that you are worthy and that achievement is within your grasp, you start to relax and look for solutions rather than dwelling on problems. You are more likely to imagine positive situations or outcomes and disregard the thoughts related to giving up, failure, or roadblocks. What the mind expects, it finds. If you anticipate joy, good health, happiness, and accomplishment, then you will experience each one. Thinking positively may sound like a simple shift in attention – and it is – but it is a mind-set that must be developed. Whenever a negative thought enters your mind, try immediately replacing it with a constructive or optimistic one. With persistence, you can condition your mind to judge fleeting, self- defeating thoughts as inconsequential and dismiss them.’

This is part of an email that gets delivered to my email daily; the Daily Om. And I kept this one because it really spoke to me in so many ways.

Positive thinking....I’ve been told many times over the years, as I’ve tried to pull myself from the Dark Night of the Soul that I was experiencing, that it just a matter of changing my mind to be positive. That suggestion really pissed me off. I was going through the most horrendous time of my life, not counting the sexual abuse as a child, and the person I had gone to for help, told me to change my mind and be positive. I literally wanted to punch them, except that it would take too much energy on my part, and I would rather have gone to bed, if the truth be told.

During that time in my life, I was too deep in the black hole to just change my mind and be ok. I got professional help on the order of my Master/husband. I learned more tools. It took awhile, but slowly I pulled out of the spiral.

That was a few years back. Since then I’ve put some of those tools to work, and believe it or not, positive thinking (manual mode) has been one of the tools that I rely on heavily, and I usually use it with another tool, a mantra.

When my husband and I were going through a rough time in our poly dynamic, we both needed to learn some skills, a mantra was my saving grace. Then, when I learned about ‘manual mode’, I used the mantra to start me off in a private positive thinking mode to pull me out of whatever triggered me. That’s a great way to use positive thinking and I teach it to many as a tool for poly and for power exchange dynamics. I guess it could be used in a regular relationship, but I don’t have much experience with that, simply because my vanilla partners weren’t interested in personal growth. It’s only been the alternative relationships that have been interested in that.

There are a couple of ways positive thinking can be beneficial when it comes to relationships then. With my husband, if I was triggered, I taught myself the mantra, ‘Love, Trust, Faith’. I loved him and knew that he loved me. I trusted him completely. I had Faith that we would succeed and that the Universe had put us together as partners for a reason. That mantra allowed me to breathe and to line up my emotions so that I could think clearly instead of in a negative, triggered state. Positive Thinking.

The other way it’s beneficial is that the longer you live with positive experiences with positive thinking, the more positive things happen. Specifically in poly, I find that the more I experience, the more confident I am. The more I relax. The more I’m ok with the outcome, regardless of what it may be, because I know I’ll be ok. The more positive I am, the more expansive I am. People feel that and are drawn towards it.

I believe that is what allowed my secondary relationship to happen. We started off with a big mis-understanding right off the bat and I believe it’s because I kept a positive attitude about it that it worked out. If I had been negative, I would have walked away, not believing I deserved a positive outcome.

I like being in that positive state. It brings such opportunities and blessings.