PTSD

Shining the Light

I feel like I’ve been lacking in my blogging, but it’s hard to come up with things to talk about……

So what to talk about……

Today, I think I’ll write about the fear of someone finding out something about your past. Someone that you are in a deep, loving relationship with.

I’m growing in a relationship, and though I’ve shared absolutely everything with my husband, I haven’t shared everything with the newer relationship. Not that I’m hiding things, but haven’t seen the need. Are we supposed to be sharing everything with each other? We haven’t discussed that. Actually, we have such a difference of opinion on so many things, that we don’t always discuss heavy topics.

Well, over the weekend, we had a great time and a long car ride and train ride. So, we had a lot of time to talk about a lot of things. Which means we talked about a lot of deep stuff. And we talked about our feelings on the subjects even though they are so different.

One of the topics sent me spinning. He was so passionate with how he felt about a certain topic and how he felt about people that participated in it. Well, in my past, I participated in it. Well, we discussed it and then the topic changed before I could figure out how to tell him. I was scared. What if I mentioned it and he made an instant decision that we couldn’t be together? I love him. I don’t want to lose him. But, is it worth not telling him?

It’s not. I need to tell him. Then, he needs to make up his mind if it’s something that he can deal with. It’s scary. I was so triggered. I thought I had laid my guilt to rest over my actions of the past. I thought I had worked through it. But, what had happened was I had found a partner that understood my guilt and shame, and helped me work through it. If I have friends that would be against it, I just wouldn’t have them as friends anymore. Ummm, I take that back. I’m ok with someone being against it. Hell, in most situations I’m against it as well. But, in my situation, it was the right choice. ….but I wouldn’t have them as friends if they judged me.

I’m afraid of him judging me. I don’t know that I could handle that. But, living in that fear, is triggering itself. I have to tell him. I just have to make sure it’s not when I’m triggered. And I don’t want to assume how he’s going to react. That seems judgmental on my part as well and I don’t want to be that person.

So, I need to share. I need to shine a light on this. If I don’t, it will become part of my shadow again. That isn’t a good place for me to be. I have to fix this.

It’s scary. But, I can’t be in a relationship where I keep secrets out of fear.

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Reiki and Darkness

During a recent Reiki Share that I hosted at the Columbus Insight Center, one of the attendees ended up seeing visions with each of the people that climbed up on the massage table to receive Reiki. Each of us there were at least level 1 Reiki attuned, and were practicing on each other. Reiki practitioners don’t usually get to receive Reiki, only give to those needing us. So, a Reiki Share is a good time to just lay back and receive.

This attendee shared with most everyone what her visions were, while we were sitting around at the end of the evening just relaxing. They were all pretty positive and left the girls smiling. She didn’t share one with me, and I didn’t really notice it until later when I read an email from her.

It doesn’t surprise me when people can’t read me. My walls are usually up nice and tight. Though, one of the girls did say that she could tell when some blockages brock up with me because she could feel me physically relax. I remember those moment as well.

It was a great group of people that night, though none of my regulars were there, and I didn’t know any of the attendees this time around. I’m glad I didn’t cancel the evening like I had thought about.

Here is the email I received from the girl:

 
Thanks for hosting the Reiki share tonight. It was a really positive experience for me, and I hope it was for all. I had a reading for you, too, but I felt it was better to tell you in private. 

First of all, I love your energy! It was amazing all of the masters, guides, and angels you had around you, too; there were at least 100 who revealed themselves to me when I asked for their presence. Your body and inner auras were very clear and bright. All I could do was send even more love. 

The only negative I found was around your aura about 3ft out from your back, or however high the table was; it skirted the ground. There was this shell of earth that covered the perimeter, almost like it was caked to it. When I tried to clear it, I found a pit of "evil things"--peering eyes and imps and such. They cleared very quickly, so it was not an issue. I'm sure with your spiritual background, you're probably aware that the brighter we are, the more we attract. I just felt like Spirit wanted to remind you to stay vigilant; I'm sure you do. 


Now when I think about it, I wonder if I should have tried to remove the earth at all. Sorry if I messed with anything I shouldn't have. I got my attunements rather quickly, and I've only been in practice for less than three years. 

 
My response to her:

It doesn't surprise me that found a spot at my back. This is where i work the most to remove cords that attach to me. The person that attaches.....I don't know that he's even aware that he does so.....but he had attempted to feed from me since i was a child. I have not been able to create a wall thick enough to keep the cord from reattaching every now and then. I've burnt it with my golden dragon familiar and have had it cut with the sword of Archangel Michael. Over time, it will return. Maybe the earth was a way for Mother Earth to help me out. i don't know. It might be time to burn it again. 
 
 

How perceptive of her. A little too close to the mark, which is another reason I keep my walls up.
What I didn’t tell her is that the leech that tries to attach to my back is my main abuser when I was a child. I can feel him thinking about me and that re-creates the cord attachment. When I can feel him, is when I put together a ritual to burn the cord. It doesn’t surprise me that there are creatures of darkness along the lines of that chord. They are probably waiting for it to re-attach so that they can feed off of my fear and pain from the memories.

I’m kind of wishing she hadn’t removed the earth covering it. That was probably part of the protection that my spirit guides put into place and I’m probably going to need all the protection I can muster over the next couple of days.

For some reason, I said ‘yes’ to a PTSD study at OSU. It starts tonight. What was I thinking? Probably that I’m stronger than I think I am. But, what if I’m not? Only time will tell. 
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