Qadishtu

Walking Qadishtu - 7 miles

So, today i walked 7 miles.

Why?

i have no idea except to prove that i could.

Actually, today, i was supposed to walk a 5k; my first 5k since my surgery in December. But, when i went to pay for it, it was sold out. So, yesterday my husband had a long motorcycle class. I took the opportunity to go for a walk after cleaning on the house all morning. i needed to find a pokestop for the day, so it was easy to plan out a walk which involved churches, which are pokestops. i also took out a poke gym while i was out there. 3 miles was accomplished without much sweat.

So, today, i had another opportunity to go walking. i went with the idea of walking 4 miles; up the ante a little bit. Then, i kept walking. When i reached 4 miles, it just felt like i could do more. i added in random bits of trails that were connected to the one i was on. Soon enough, it was 5 miles, and it felt like i could do more. Plus, what’s a half mile? i played pokemon for part of the walk; hatched some eggs. Then i would listen to a little of my audio book. It kept me going.

i also rescued a baby snake.

Heard some birds twitter pated over the creek i was walking by; a red-tailed hawk; a cardinal, and a couple of birds i’d never heard before.

A half mile would turn into another mile.

The hardest part was having to pee. At about 5.5 miles i made it back to where there was a bathroom. i took a quick pee, saw that there was another trail next to the bathroom that was only a half mile long….full of pokestops….so i decided to walk it and get my 6th mile done. At the end of the trail, i hadn’t reached the 6 mile mark. That meant i found a longer path, which had me over the 6 mile mark. Might as well do 7. And 7 i did.

i think it was just to prove to myself that i could do it. Plus, i’d already cleaned all morning, and if i went home i’d either veg in front of the tv or the computer and i’d rather be outside enjoying the day. Luckily, i didn’t get sunburnt.

i want to do it again.

Looks like next Sunday is free, unless the kids come over for Easter dinner. Maybe i can do 7 again.

Maybe i’m training for a half marathon. Maybe. Except i want to jog/walk the next one. And though i can walk 7 miles, i’m not so sure i can run any of it.

Today…if nothing else……i was a walking Qadishtu. Smiling and saying hello to everyone i came across.
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I want to 'Retire' from Corporate America


I love to present, produce events, manage a community center, write books, and teach. I love to research and design classes and articles. I love to take care of my husband and house. I want to do these things again and I’d really like to do it before I officially retire in 15 years.

But, how? The stuff that I love to do doesn’t make money. I could probably figure out how to have it make money, but then it would be a job and I’ve always resisted that thought. Though, I did try it for 6 years and we made a little bit of money. We were able to do it then, before buying the house and having to pay back my student loans and surgery loans. Now, it’s much harder to figure out how to get me out of the work force.

But, oh how I love to travel and to teach. I have no time to write the books that are in my head. I have no time to research and design classes that I’d like to teach. I have no time to teach as much Reiki as I’d like to. I have no time to be the Qadishtu that I want to be. So, many ideas and projects need my loving attention.

I had hoped to become an alternative lifestyle counselor. That didn’t work. People didn’t want to pay me for my services. Because I co-host a podcast and present, everyone expects my time to be for free.
I want to do more weddings. No time. I love designing weddings and rituals.

One problem is, I don’t want to put this out in the Universe with too much force, because I could cause negative things to happen, for me to get what I want. So, I put out there now, that for any of this to happen, it must harm none. 
There are days that I really wish I could get out of corporate America again, and do what it is that I really love to do.
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Making a Difference in People's Lives

Making a Difference in People’s Lives
 
One of the things that drew me to being a Qadishtu Priestess, was the idea of helping make a difference in people’s lives. And not just by doing charity, or mentoring, or giving money, but by really helping them build a stronger foundation within themselves.
 
One of the ways of helping with personal foundations is through healing our sexual selves. Getting to the root of our sexual difficulties. Whether these difficulties were created by past abuse or neglect or being an introvert or being shamed, I have a drive to help people through this.
 
A strong foundation in our sexuality help us become more confident in ourselves as human beings. When I don’t feel shame about my urges and desires, I can then embrace who I am at my core.
This is coming from someone that was sexually molested and abused since her earliest memory til the time she left home. Then, married someone that shamed her about her urges and desires, though they were healthy ones that happened to be kinky or not involve him.

My husband/Master, who is also a Qadesh deep down, even before he knew the word, is the one that helped me overcome the results of my baggage, and through my shame. He helped me embrace that major part of myself. Now, my foundation is strong enough that I can help others.

I can help by sharing my story. I can help by mentoring and sharing tools that I’ve learned along the way. And I can help through sex, and sexual ritual, including bdsm. I’ve seen the results.

One of the first experiences that had visible results was when I was with a stranger and pleasured him. I was there for him and made eye contact and stroked him with pleasure. He was an overweight fellow with body issues, and I put on my Qadishtu aura, dropped my walls and focused on this human being under my hands as I pleasured him. The results were amazing. This is the first time that someone told me they loved me after one time together. I let him know what I did and explained that it wasn’t me he was in love with, but the feeling of being loved and that there was someone out there for him. A few weeks later I ran across him at a BBW party, meeting women…something he’d been too nervous about before then. But, he wanted that feeling again and that made him brave enough to face his challenges around his body image and sex.

I need this path in my life. It helps me feel complete.


There aren’t too many opportunities to walk this path though. Or I’m just not looking in the right spot. I’ll have to keep my eyes open at the event we are going to this weekend. 
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An Introverted Qadishtu


 
Introverted Thinkers

Recently, I’ve discovered the word ‘introvert’ and it explains a LOT about my personality/quirks. I’ve known about this word, of course, and I’ve believed I’m an introvert because I was shy. Then, when I lost most of my shyness, I started to believe I was a shy extrovert. I wasn’t as shy as I used to be, painfully shy, but I wasn’t as outgoing as other extroverts, so that left me with being a shy extrovert. But, that still didn’t seem to fit. I was enjoying being home by myself more and more. I still don’t like staying at someone’s house over a hotel. I still don’t like doing things with big groups of people. I do like being on stage instead of part of the crowd. I still feel very awkward when being introduced to the new boyfriend’s friends and family.
 
We’ve talked about our introverted selves with others that are introverts. But, some of the quirks of a introvert, I’ve never connected with my personal quirks. I’ve actually been looking at my quirks as character flaws for years. And have gotten very frustrated that I can’t seem to fix them. For example, I’m not a social butterfly. I don’t like having small talk with a bunch of different people. I’d much rather have deep, intense conversations. That means that I come across as a quiet, deep person instead of a happy, go-lucky person. This can be frustrating when you want to be seen as a ‘white-light, hestia-filled, welcome-to-my-space’ sort of person.
 
I’m very protective of my space and of my friends, now I know why. I have no interest in having a large group of friends, now I know why. I like to be a leader/teacher, now I know why. I like quiet time, now I know why. I feel very uncomfortable in a group of people that I don’t know, now I know why. I will stand off to the side and watch when I’m thrown into a new situation, now I know why. Not being able to talk to others while I’m in ‘service mode’, is heavenly for me, now I know why.
 
So, how does being an introvert come into play with being a Qadishtu? Well, to work with others and to help with their healing, means I have to put myself out there. This is not a comfortable place for me. When I talk to someone about being a Priestess for a ritual for them, it can become uncomfortable if I don’t know them, simply because I have to spend time getting to know them before designing a ritual. I had to do that last Wednesday as I talked to someone that responded to my fetlife post about wanting to be a Priestess Top. She wants a ritual at an event this weekend, and that meant I had to sit with her and get to know what she was looking for. We started with small talk. I almost closed the conversation to tell her I wasn’t interested, when she started with the deeper stuff. That’s when I was able to engage.
 
So, rituals have to be deep for me. I’ve tried to do a ritual for someone that didn’t go deep, and it doesn’t work for me and I don’t think I’d try it again.
 
Scarlet Sanctuary works for me, because I don’t have to converse with people. I’m the High Priestess and therefore I set the tone of the evening by creating sacred space. I get to give sacred touch to about 10 people during the evening, but I don’t have to if I don’t want to. We’ve set up the sanctuary to have at least 6 givers, sometimes as many as 10 trained people join us.
 
I do have to take care of myself after these rituals and after an evening of Scarlet Sanctuary. I’m not someone that can give all night and then go play in the dungeon. The giving is amazingly awesome, but it totally drains me. It’s the same as when I do Reiki. Reiki is supposed to energize you, but I’m still giving of my time and energy to channel the energy, therefore I’m exhausted afterwards.
 

So,., though I am a Qadishtu Priestess, and love to help people through rites of passage and opportunities for transformation, I’m also an introvert that has to continuously work at putting herself out there and making herself available. I wish I could change some of these quirks, but if it’s a choice of standing off to the side and watching, vs doing something with someone where I’m not completely comfortable, I’ll take the standing off to the side and watching. But, it’s not who I want to be, so I constantly push myself, so that I can facilitate change in others whom request my help. 


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Service/ Spiritual/ Priestess Topping



sexy-flame

Service Topping / Spiritual Topping/ Priestess Topping


As some of you know, I think about this topic a lot. I’m a slave. I’m a submissive. I’m a bottom. The idea of topping / domming/ or Mastering someone….doesn’t do anything for me. But, every once in a while, I fantasize about standing over someone with a crop, flogger, needles or biting them. So, what’s this about? I let the visuals float around in my head, and it feels like I’m missing something in the equation.

If I try to picture the bottom enjoying what I’m doing, it does nothing. If I picture me being a sadist and taking what I want, that does provide a slight tingle, but there is still something missing from the picture that would kick the whole thing into overdrive.

Service topping, to me, would be about providing a session/scene as a service. Bottom wants to experience a skill and I become the tool for them to achieve what they desire. That doesn’t do it…..it’s about the skill.

Spiritual topping ….well what does that exactly mean? I’ve tried to ‘spiritual top’ someone before, which to me, is still providing a service of an experience. Maybe it’s the experience of the Scarlet Sanctuary where I provide sacred touch. I’m still a tool, but a more personal tool. This does it for me, but still on a low level. Don’t get me wrong, I love doing the opening ritual and the closing ritual and providing sacred space and sacred touch, but it doesn’t necessarily feel like topping to me. There are built in limits.

Part of the answer came to me while presenting our class on styles of negotiation at GLLA over the weekend. This class talks about the ‘river’ style of negotiation, as one style. This style is about negotiating a specific scene with a beginning and an ending that has been designed. To me, that would be the style of negotiating for me to service top. Since I’m providing a skill scene, I would need to know the structure that I’m expected to adhere to. This doesn’t do it for me at all.

We talked about our other styles and then we came to the point in the class where we talk about ‘spiritual bdsm negotiation’….about being the ridden by spirit. About having a ‘goal’ and maybe a little structure, but otherwise having a blank canvas to work with. Being allowed to channel whatever comes through, specifically for cathartic work or celebration work. Allowing my walls to drop and just be the powerful priestess that I am.

That’s when it came to me….i’ve tried to put words to it before…..what I’m interested in, and what truly turns me on, and what is in my fantasies as a top, is to be a priestess top. Not just a spiritual top, but a primal priestess top that channels in the energy needed for healing, and trusted with a blank canvas. No rules. Full consent.

I’ve been lucky enough to have had this opportunity a couple of times, and I crave more. Master has allowed me to participate in His re-birthing ritual, with bondage and needles. I didn’t see myself as a top to Him though. I was His priestess using bdsm to provide the fear necessary to break Him down so that He could re-build Himself.

I’ve also had the fulfilling opportunity with a couple of other people and they’ve been amazing. One scene was even added to the book ‘Kink Magic’ by Taylor Ellwood, many years ago.

These are the topping ‘scenes’ that I’m fantasizing about. Priestess topping. The intensity, the depth, the connection to spirit and the Universe. Taking the chance of being ridden in the darkness. Rawrrrrrrrr!!!

Maybe if I throw this out there, the Universe will provide. It’s got to feel right though. I can’t just do it to do it. I did have one experience where they didn’t want to give up control, but wanted Master Dan and I to be the priest and priestess. It didn’t go well, because they didn’t let us channel….they wanted it fully structured their way. They didn’t get the result they wanted. I want a little structure and then stand back as I draw down the Goddess. Light Goddess, Dark Goddess….whatever shows up as the right one for the situation.



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